A MIL and a dog one......

[MilDog]

I know how much MN like to MIL bash and how divided the opinion on DDogs can be, so I'm steeling myself.....

Background on MIL:
Absolutely lovely woman who I love to bits and she's like a second mum to me.

I can count on 1 hand the number of disagreements we've had over the 20 odd years DH and I have been together. But, for all we get on, we are different personalities and have very different views on life.

Her only downside is that she can be very opinionated and the kind of person who doesn't take well to people disagreeing with her opinion. If I'm brutally honest, the reason there have probably been so few disagreements is because DH and I know when to pick our battles.

Background on DDog:
DDog is a year old and an absolute baby. I am not kidding on this, every morning he needs a cuddle when we get up before breakfast.

He is a big softie and I've seen him stand there and do nothing when other dogs have been snarling and snapping at him. That said, he is a heavy set muscular breed and weighing in at almost 30kg he could do serious damage to another dog or person if he chose to.

DC is 12 and they are best mates. DDog takes more notice of DC than me or DH, he literally has him at a word.

The situation:
A few weeks ago I was out walking DDog and a child (maybe 9/10?) was riding a scooter on the pavement towards us. Despite me having DDog on a short leash walking at heel and trying to keep us both to one side of the pavement, the child rode flat out into us hitting DDog, running over his foot making DDog yelp (I'm fairly sure it was deliberate, no reason otherwise as there was plenty of room and he could've slowed down to pass us).

No drama, but I did have a word with the child and told him to be a bit more careful in future.

A couple of days later same child went to do the same thing again, except this time DDog saw him coming and immediately started growling and snarling at him. I asked the child to stay back until we had passed as clearly DDog was frightened but the child ignored me, got off his scooter, walked straight towards us and put his hands out to try and stroke DDog, who at this point was still snarling and growling and baring his teeth!!

I ended up walking into the road to move DDog away from the situation.

It upset me because as I said, he's usually such a big softie especially with children and he's been around other children since the first incident and hadn't reacted at all. I contacted our dog walker (who is a behaviourist) and had a chat with her, she re-assured me it was a pure fear response but still we've arranged for her to do some sessions with me and DDog to try and get him over this fear and help me distract him and keep him calm if we are ever in a similar situation.

The MIL/DDog problem:
DH and I are supposed to be going to an event this weekend that means we'll be out from around 6pm to 11.30pm (but only 20 minutes from home). DC is quite happy to stay home (lots of family and friends within 10 minutes of our house if needed in an emergency), we've arranged to have him a takeaway delivered from our local place (where the owners know him and us) and dog walker is coming to take DDog out between 7pm and 8pm, after which DDog will do his usually sleep on the sofa and refuse to move.

But MIL has decided that DDog can no longer be trusted around DC and is coming round to sit with him.

Now, normally I couldn't get too worked up over this and this is a perfect example of where I would usually smile and nod and just let her crack on.

However, she is bringing DN with her as she is babysitting for the night. DN is younger than DC and a bit of a handful and DC has said he doesn't want DN here. I think he feels like his "grown up evening" is being ruined and he's a bit gutted.

My second issue with is that DN is not too keen on DDog, not full on fear but nervous because of DDogs size and having not been around dogs very much. DDog can get very boisterous when we have visitors (think of a toddler who's been fed 1kg of sweets) so he goes in his crate - I don't really want him locked in his crate most of the evening while DH and I aren't here!!

My AIBU dilemma:

1. Do DH and I put our foot down and tell MIL she is not to come round with DN, which will probably cause an unholy row and potentially could make life difficult for a while.

2. Smile and let her crack on to keep the peace - and also maybe I am BU leaving DC13 alone with DDog??

For full disclosure, we didn't actually tell MIL about our plans, no reason other that it just hasn't come up but she asked DC about it and it's him she's told she's coming round - she had t actually said anything to us (which I suspect is because she knows we'll push back....,)

What the hell do we do and are DH and I BU????

Yes the earthquake mention had me wondering. Maybe that poster lives in CA

There’s a massive difference between a 12 year old being alone during the evening until 11.30pm and a 12 year old walking the streets to and from school and in a group with friends- during the day, when there’s traffic, people walking etc.

@OrchidInTheSun if you cannot tell the difference between those 2 situations and asses risk between them, you are to be frank, being ridiculous

To all the people worried about the kid being alone, chill. He's got that big massive monster of a rabid dog, bred specifically to attack anything that moves in case anyone breaks in

But seriously OP only you know the limits and capabilities of your dog and child. If you feel they'll be fine but that DN will make the dog nervous then you need to tell MIL that. It's not fair on the dog or DN to put them in that situation.

I agree that your dog has done nothing to be concerned about. Warning that awful child away in the way that only a dog can was the right thing for the dog to do.

Your child is not at risk at all. I've only read the first page and already see that you may well get a few pearl clutchers who disapprove of having a dog - ignore them. You know your dog best. Far better than MiL who seemingly will be placing a younger child at risk.

Put your foot down and make clear to her that she is under no circumstances to come round.

Your child is not at risk at all
What are you a clairvoyant or something?

I've only read the first page and already see that you may well get a few pearl clutchers who disapprove of having a dog - ignore them

I don’t believe anyone has said that the OP shouldn’t have a dog. Stop making things up.

I would not leave a 12 year old alone with a dog that he was not strong enough to control. Isn’t that just common sense?

I think it sounds like the MIL wants to come round so that Mildog's ds will entertain the dn who is a bit of a handful and is using the dog as an excuse.

“I would not leave a 12 year old alone with a dog that he was not strong enough to control.”

How do you know he’s not?

30kg isn’t huge btw... it’s a couple of kg bigger than a spaniel or collie, but a fair bit smaller than most labs...

I don’t know he’s not- you’re right. I assumed because of the OP’s insistence that he is big and powerful......

I would not leave a 12 year old alone with a dog that he was not strong enough to control. Isn’t that just common sense

The OP says that her child has grown up with dogs and so will know how to handle them by now. I know I certainly could control our GS at 8 years old and he wasn't trained within an inch of his life or anything. It's just the relationship you have with your dog. Owners and members of the family can get away with more than a stranger I guess. Nit hurting an animal of course.

I have had dogs continuously since I was 3 years old. It was one of the first things my parents did when they got to England. Like the OPs son probably is, there's nit been a time in my life when I have been without a dog.

Jelly - what risks do you think there are? Seriously, if you have a sensible child who is unlikely to try and light a fire, what do you think will happen?

And if you think 12 year olds are 'with friends' at all times when they're out without adults, you don't know very many 12 year olds. And when it comes to friends, children are a lot more likely to get into mischief with their mates around than they are alone!

In my defence, I never even considered earthquakes.

Sorry - from Christchurch, New Zealand, went through the 2010 and 2011 quakes and all the tens of thousands of aftershocks - so it was a fairly pertinent consideration when my eldest was 12, lol!

Option 1. If your DN is likely to stress your dog out while your dog is still getting over the last incident (kid was a little shit, I'd be furious!!) It could end up making your dog even worse. They're very impressionable at his age!

When my DD was 12 she, and most of the rest of her school, where taking themselves to school and back each day. The journey involved getting on a bus to the tube station and a tube journey into London, then a walk from the tube to the school.

Some 12 year olds can be quite mature and sensible given half a chance.

And the dog has done nothing that would indicate it's any less safe or reliable than any other dog that isn't under attack from some spiteful random child.

“. I know I certainly could control our GS at 8 years old”

You couldn’t have if he had decided he didn’t want to be controlled. My Border Terrier pulled my niece over when she was about that age because for the first time in her life she decided she wanted to chase a squirrel. My fault completely - but niece was still flat on her face in the mud.

Tell her no and try and reassure her your DC and the dog will be fine and bringing herself and DN over is unnecessary.

@OrchidInTheSun you don’t think there are any risks to being at home alone?

And that a 12 year old would know what to do in the event anything happened?

I know I certainly could control our GS at 8 years old

If your GS had become aggressive for whatever reason or decided it fancied a piece of the cat across the road you would not have been able to control it!

I don’t understand why people are equating going to and from school to being home alone till 11.30pm. They are not the same.

If someone knocked on the door late at night how would that child feel? Most likely scared, wondering who it was. If there was a power cut, again what would they do? Those examples are more likely than the earthquake and the mad axe murderer and not ones that imo a child of 12 would be able to cope with on their own.

Exactly as I was thinking @NoSauce

But the likelihood of someone knocking on the door or there being a power cut is very small and neither of them are actually dangerous. With any risk you evaluate the level of threat versus the chance of it happening.

A 12 year old should be able to cope alone for a few hours in the evening and that should be encouraged if they're happy to be left. That's how you build gradual independence.

And if they're worried, they can call any one of the many friends and neighbours the OP has.

Well mine, in the event of an unexpected knock on the door would ignore it, and ring their preferred person.

In the event of a power cut, they'd either put on the battery powered lamp (thank you earthquakes), or go to bloody bed.

I wouldn’t like someone knocking on the door at 11.30 pm and I’m an adult, it’s unlikely that someone would knock on the doer but the point is that if they did a 12 year old would be scared more than likely.

A power cut would definitely worry them.

Oh, and how would they feel? Knowing my madams, as bolshy as hell.

Independence is not leaving a 12 year old home alone between 6 and 11.30pm.

Prevention is better than the cure.