A MIL and a dog one......

[MilDog]

I know how much MN like to MIL bash and how divided the opinion on DDogs can be, so I'm steeling myself.....

Background on MIL:
Absolutely lovely woman who I love to bits and she's like a second mum to me.

I can count on 1 hand the number of disagreements we've had over the 20 odd years DH and I have been together. But, for all we get on, we are different personalities and have very different views on life.

Her only downside is that she can be very opinionated and the kind of person who doesn't take well to people disagreeing with her opinion. If I'm brutally honest, the reason there have probably been so few disagreements is because DH and I know when to pick our battles.

Background on DDog:
DDog is a year old and an absolute baby. I am not kidding on this, every morning he needs a cuddle when we get up before breakfast.

He is a big softie and I've seen him stand there and do nothing when other dogs have been snarling and snapping at him. That said, he is a heavy set muscular breed and weighing in at almost 30kg he could do serious damage to another dog or person if he chose to.

DC is 12 and they are best mates. DDog takes more notice of DC than me or DH, he literally has him at a word.

The situation:
A few weeks ago I was out walking DDog and a child (maybe 9/10?) was riding a scooter on the pavement towards us. Despite me having DDog on a short leash walking at heel and trying to keep us both to one side of the pavement, the child rode flat out into us hitting DDog, running over his foot making DDog yelp (I'm fairly sure it was deliberate, no reason otherwise as there was plenty of room and he could've slowed down to pass us).

No drama, but I did have a word with the child and told him to be a bit more careful in future.

A couple of days later same child went to do the same thing again, except this time DDog saw him coming and immediately started growling and snarling at him. I asked the child to stay back until we had passed as clearly DDog was frightened but the child ignored me, got off his scooter, walked straight towards us and put his hands out to try and stroke DDog, who at this point was still snarling and growling and baring his teeth!!

I ended up walking into the road to move DDog away from the situation.

It upset me because as I said, he's usually such a big softie especially with children and he's been around other children since the first incident and hadn't reacted at all. I contacted our dog walker (who is a behaviourist) and had a chat with her, she re-assured me it was a pure fear response but still we've arranged for her to do some sessions with me and DDog to try and get him over this fear and help me distract him and keep him calm if we are ever in a similar situation.

The MIL/DDog problem:
DH and I are supposed to be going to an event this weekend that means we'll be out from around 6pm to 11.30pm (but only 20 minutes from home). DC is quite happy to stay home (lots of family and friends within 10 minutes of our house if needed in an emergency), we've arranged to have him a takeaway delivered from our local place (where the owners know him and us) and dog walker is coming to take DDog out between 7pm and 8pm, after which DDog will do his usually sleep on the sofa and refuse to move.

But MIL has decided that DDog can no longer be trusted around DC and is coming round to sit with him.

Now, normally I couldn't get too worked up over this and this is a perfect example of where I would usually smile and nod and just let her crack on.

However, she is bringing DN with her as she is babysitting for the night. DN is younger than DC and a bit of a handful and DC has said he doesn't want DN here. I think he feels like his "grown up evening" is being ruined and he's a bit gutted.

My second issue with is that DN is not too keen on DDog, not full on fear but nervous because of DDogs size and having not been around dogs very much. DDog can get very boisterous when we have visitors (think of a toddler who's been fed 1kg of sweets) so he goes in his crate - I don't really want him locked in his crate most of the evening while DH and I aren't here!!

My AIBU dilemma:

1. Do DH and I put our foot down and tell MIL she is not to come round with DN, which will probably cause an unholy row and potentially could make life difficult for a while.

2. Smile and let her crack on to keep the peace - and also maybe I am BU leaving DC13 alone with DDog??

For full disclosure, we didn't actually tell MIL about our plans, no reason other that it just hasn't come up but she asked DC about it and it's him she's told she's coming round - she had t actually said anything to us (which I suspect is because she knows we'll push back....,)

What the hell do we do and are DH and I BU????

So now instead going on about the dog it’s leaving the DS in!
He’s 12 at high school he can be left for 5 hours. 12 yr olds are capable of looking after themselves, well those who aren’t pandered to like toddlers.
Most 12 yr olds get themselves back and forward to school and they do know how to make contact if needed.

DS sounds like a sensible lad to me. At 12 yo, I was at home alone one night per month with our Rottie, he was a big bugger. Was not chewed to death.

Older people are pretty lax about leaving children home alone- so it’s concerning that this mil is showing more concern than op herself.

That's a bit of a generalisation. Older people like all people, tend to hold a wide variety of opinons - some can be very vigilant (some might say overly), some can be overly lax, and some can be somewhere in the middle. There's generally bound to be a few older people that either think similarly or differently to oneself. . .

I think the MIL is more concerned about the dog than the GS being left alone.

I was often left alone when I was 12. With our staffie and chihuahua. People were more frightened of the chihuahua, she was a little shit 😂

So what age should children who get themselves to and from school and go out alone with friends be left alone for a few hours in the evening Jelly?

Because I'm curious what risks you perceive are greater to them being home alone than out of the house alone?

I have a 12 year old.

We have an elderly rescue dog.

Both my immediate family unit plus my parents who live in the same town spent the last year giving my child mode and more freedom to the point that she gets herself to and from secondary school, to and from the library, she can go out with her friends after school, and she spends up to two hours home alone sometimes if we need to shop etc, and when she's home it means the dog is cared for and let out when needed.

Before having a child this age I wondered why people didn't keep them in/ would leave them home in an evening.

Now I have a 12 year old about to enter year 8, I get it.

There’s a difference between coming home from school at 4.30 or whatever to being in the house on their own till 11.30 at night though. I think 12 is on the cusp of being ok.

From about the age of 8 I was regularly left alone (ok with my siblings aged 10 and 12) in the evening with a german shepherd for company if my mother was working late and dad got called out to a patient. In fact they bought the dog to protect us when left alone! He also growled a lot when pissed off, we just learnt to leave him alone. It's what you do when you grow up with dogs. There is a lot of angst about children and dogs on MN that I don't see in RL.

I wouldn't trust my dc alone with a large breed dog like that even before the aggression... do you have a stairgate that ddog can be kept the other side of when you're not around?

Poor pup, the kid ran over his paw and then was a bloody nuisance, pup is allowed to growl a bit, doesn't make him a bad dog. Can you tell MIL "Thank you for the offer but I don't want DN round hyping the dog up and DC was really looking forward to a bit of time by himself" maybe explain to her about neighbours being on call and the dog walker popping in as DC possibly didn't think to tell her that bit.

Breed by the way is completely irrelevant so I'm not sure why you keep being asked, size yeah coz a 30kg dog will potentially do a lot more damage than a 3kg dog (although, I have a scar on my cheek from a tiny westie having grown up with labs, German shepherds and rotties so you know, smaller doesn't always mean safer anyway)

The fact that you don't want to reveal the breed, that your MIL is extremely worried about the dog, that you even bothered to write this thread, that you used words that describe its flighty temperament, make me wonder if it's worth risking this one night.

You know your MIL will probably take DN anyway right?!

@GooseTheCat our Chihuahua thinks shes a Great Dane! Hes a little shit too

Hes a Great Dane not she

As someone with a sensible 12 year old who wouldn’t leave her alone for so long at night, these are a few of my concerns:

Stranger/axe murderer turning up at the door.

Her having a panic and not feeling safe or just her getting a sudden illness or something.

Emergency/fire/nuclear attack etc

Power cut in the dark (we’ve been having quite a few of late).

Me and or DP being in an accident or delayed etc and not getting home when we said.

Mainly axe murderers TBF.

I know I’m mad to think like this, but hey ho I’m content with my views.

Incidentally, I’m also a foster carer and this wouldn’t be authorised for our looked after child (who is 13) we’d be expected to get an approved sitter or primary support.

@Durgasarrow
@HotdogSausagedog
Do you realise how ridiculous you sound? OP has stated how well her DS and dog get on, stop the hysterics she’s knows her dog and son. Mil is being interfering and rude, there is no risk OPs dog reacted to being abused by the same person, again ignorant people jumping to conclusions 🙄

@PuppyMonkey
You are mad, what a crazy way to think, you do know these things can happen during daylight hours too, axe murderers aren’t nocturnal. Kids need to learn to be independent and resilient not pandered to by nutty parents.

When I did have a 12 year old, I didn't leave them alone for two reasons.

One, I wasn't leaving them with the responsibility of being in charge of their younger sibling.

Two, earthquakes.

So, for me, no, I wouldn't have done that, but I feel it is very much individual, and circumstance based.

Blimey Bookworm people are allowed to have their own opinions, you have yours which is fine and others have theirs which believe it or not is also fine.

If I’m nutty not leaving a minor alone until 11.30pm, ok so be it.

@puppy
It’s your reasons that are nuts; nuclear attack, axe murderer 🙄

Ok, I was being slightly facetious mentioning nuclear attacks, I admit. I meant general emergencies, fire or accidents.

And yes axe murderers are probably quite rare too I do know this. I wouldn’t want her dealing with any unexpected visitor is what I’m getting at tbf.

In my defence, I never even considered earthquakes.