How do you come to terms with being screwed out of £60,000?!!

[greatbritishknee]

I have posted about this before under a different user name - just in case anyone recognises the story - things have progressed further now though.

I am genuinely looking for any wise words that might help me see this whole situation in a more positive light or just help me navigate a way forward.

We had an extension built earlier this year - and I know that to own a house and be doing an extension already makes me someone who has been incredibly lucky in the general lottery of life.

We borrowed 50K from the bank which was the max we could (on top of our mortgage) according to our salaries so there is no possibility of borrowing more for a long time.

Throughout the build the relationship with the builder broke down completely as he got furious with us for ever questioning or complaining about anything. At the end of of the build he sent us a final invoice but we sent back a snagging list and also the requirement for the final building control inspection (having found out he had not organised any of the interval inspections with building control in spite of telling us he had both verbally and it was in his contract to do so).

He went mad at us and started making threats if we don't pay him all the money and has carried out some of these threats including contacting my place of work and telling them I am mentally unstable and have post natal depression and am aggressive and volatile (our second child was born prematurely during the build and we also have a just turned 2 year old), he contacted social services and told them the same, that we were a risk to our children and my husband is abusive. He contacted the GMC and told them I was not safe to see patients (I am a doctor). He has threatened to contact my husband employers with similar and also my Dad's. He has threatened to send bailiffs round. He has told us he wants us to lose everything including our home. Just for the record there is absolutely no basis to any of his assertions about our character.

It was hell. Eventually we got the police involved and the harassment side of things has now stopped. Nothing has come of any of his accusations as they are all baseless but it was a terrifying time - never knowing what his next move might be.

Now he has backed off but cut a long story short it turns out he did a terrible job of the build - to the extent that it will have to be knocked down and re-built. No part of it complies with building regs not least the foundations are not deep enough. He told us he was getting building control in but he wasn't. Quotes for the re-build are coming in at £60,000 plus but we won't be able to afford to this for a long time - this means we are tied to the house and the area until we can which was not our plan.

I know we will eventually cobble the money together through a few years of hard saving and contributions from family and we are incredibly lucky to be in the position to do that. But I can't get my head round all the other things we could have done with that money - not least for our children. I can't believe how hard he went after us - and me in particular - having recently given birth - and all along he had completely screwed the whole thing up. We will have to change the way we live for the next few years to save the money.

The reason I am posting today is because we finally found out for sure there is no point in pursuing him for the money - he is personally liable but doesn't seem to have any assets - so we would win in court but never actually get the money.

Can anyone help me frame this in a more positive light? I know I am so fortunate in SO many ways - I just need to get my head around this so I can move on. Anyone got any stories of having been though similar and come out the other side?

DIYSOS could be a great idea?! Is this the sort of thing they would help with though..?!

I guess a positive is that you don’t have an unstable building that could collapse and hurt or worse you and family. Another point is that people tend to blame themselves or look for things they could have done differently, this is obviously 100 percent his fault and failings.
You could drag it through courts, small claims or cc etc but as u have already identified he has no assists what’s the point.
You haven’t “lost” the money it’s been stolen from you. It will hurt for a while but time will heal it, in a few years it’ll be a bad memory, just let it be what it is and love your life x

Never apologise for being "lucky" you work hard and deserve to enjoy the fruits of your hard work. Other people may be worse off but that doesn't mean you have to be embarrassed that you can add £50k to your mortgage/ build an extension. Good for you enjoy! Back to your builder, sounds like he saw nice normal people who he thought he could intimidate, you didn't crumble, you got the police involved. He sounds completely unhinged, a real bully boy. I would look into the suggestions on MN but sometimes, for the sake of your own mental health, you need to try to let it go, easier said than done! I'm sending for you and some serious bad karma to your builder

Sorry if this has been mentioned as I haven't had time to read the whole thread but I just looked up public liability insurance and it said it 'can even cover emotional distress or shock that your business causes to another person.' Wonder if it would be worth pursuing it on these grounds?

I think people are forgetting that this man has made and carried out threats.

Sorry, this may not have been a UK site so may not apply.

I think when shit happens like this you just have to try and look at the postives in your life and try and be philosophical. I always try and think (although not with such big sums of money) that at the end of the day I am healthy, no one has died and that in the scheme of things money is not the most important thing. I know you have said you are lucky and that does at least make it more achievable to pay it off.

Using cognitive behavioural techniquest it is really how you think about it that dictates how you feel so channelling your thinking into the positives is the most empowering thing to do.

Mindfulness is also a good way of not hanging onto the negative thoughts about the situation.

Are you covered under your household insurance for legal expenses etc?

God OP, I really am sorry you experienced this .

My parents had a new bathroom fitted but every time they used their shower water would leak like a waterfall into their hallway downstairs. Their new carpet, ceiling and lights were all destroyed.

The builders mocked my father's speech impediment (stroke survivor) and called my mother crazy. It was incredibly distressing.

Could you have him declared bankrupt, you might find he'll come up with some money when the notice is served on him.

@greatbritishknee

Most people would not get an architect for such a small project, so please don't beat yourself up about that. And do not feel guilty for life getting in the way either, that was unavoidable. You trusted someone and they let you down. They are the only one at fault.

Do try to keep focusing on all the positives in your life, your career, your lovely children etc. When all is said and done, when you're an old lady looking back on your life, this will not be a significant memory at all. 60K is a lot of money, but it is not life changing money. It can also be re-earned, but time can never be gotten back. If you are going to sue him (even if it's ultimately fruitless), get it done and move on mentally as quickly as you can.

Lastly, imagine what a vile and miserable soul someone must have to behave in this way. That will permeate every area of his life, which will no doubt be a mostly unpleasant one. Fuck him.

I agree. People like these are pretty corrupt of the soul.
And that in the end will give them the life they deserve.

Re the DIYSOS suggestion, have you read this (v long!) thread over on MSE?

Poor guy had a terrible experience with builders, eventually managed to get DIYSOS (or similar... can't recall) involved.

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2280981

This might be of no use to you... but have you made much equity from property? When my husband lost a significant sum of money we accepted it by telling ourselves that we had made more in equity on our property than the amount lost, so there was no point in moping about the lost money because we wouldn't have been sad if we'd just gained less equity due to lower house price increases IYSWIM? E.g on paper we had made about 100k in property over the years so when a sif significant amount was lost we just reframed it as a lower increase in equity which wouldn't have bothered us in the slightest. Might not be relevant for you or ring true but it really helped us.

I know it’s a bit after the horse has bolted, but builders should have several different types of insurance to cover different risks, and these should be checked at the beginning of the job. The include employers liability, public liability, and contracts works. The last one covers the actual work they do.

There is a lot of information online about this, so if you’re doing a build without an architect (which is perfectly fine) you need to do your research and make sure you know your stuff.

If you have a contract with him that he has violated you can sue him. Whether it’s worth it will depend on what assets he has if he wasn’t fully insured. At the end of the day, you need to check these things at the start (insist on seeing the policy documents) otherwise you can end up with little recourse.

God op poor you. What a mess. As much as I'd want justice, I wouldn't pursue via ccj as like you, I'd be worried about his reaction. I'd never take something like that without fighting it at work but would feel differently in my home life.

The other thing to remember is that it's only money and a lesson learnt. Nobody's dead; nobody's suffered a life changing injury. It's a lot of money but I guess less than a year's income for a professional person.

That bloody devil.

I can’t BELIEVE someone can be so cruel towards another person - especially when he knows he was wrong from day 1 when he started a shabby job.
The bloody extension has to be knocked down because he did a crap job and he really tried to ruin your life - I’m honestly in shock.

Good luck OP. You will get over this and as much as he has tried, your life won’t end and you will have your dream extension in the future. I just hope it’s the end of the builder and he isn’t planning another move.

Sorry everyone - had to leave the thread for a while to go and feed my daughter (my lovely, happy, smiley 5 month old - the builder said in one of his emails that he oped all the stress of this ruined our memory of her first year of life) and then she decided to unleash a poo she'd been saving up for a few days...

But I've been reading all your lovely replies in the dark and @golddigger79 yours in particular actually made me tear up a bit. You're right - his soul must be broken somehow to behave this way.

Too many questions to answer just now as husband has just come home with a bottle of wine (!). But I will read over in more detail in the morning. Once again, mumsnet has come up trumps with a mixture of sympathy and constructive advice and has left me feeling a little warmer about the the world!

Oh and I'll read the DIYSOS thread too - I can at least fantasise about doing something similar!

I don't know what to say or how to think of it in a vaguely positive light! My only thoughts are to make sure that he is unable to ever trade again under a different name. He should be banned from ever setting up a building company again. Has he been reported to trading standards? Are they pursuing him? It's no use lamenting what you could have spent the £60k on, as you wouldn't have just spent it on your kids. Essentially your £50k extension has turned into a £110k extension. Lots of builders underquote and things cost much more,causing projects to grind to a halt etc. Right now you're bound to feel as though it is all a waste, having to tear down his work.

When I get annoyed /stressed with things, I imagine that I'm on a survival bear Grylls program and that it's freezing cold, pouring with rain, I have no shelter or food and feel unsafe. Then, I remind myself that I'm actually tucked up in bed, safe, warm and dry. It always makes me feel just more grateful for what I have. Not wishing to trivialise things, but that's just an approach that works for me.

Failing that, call up 'Cowboy Builders' and get that arsehole chased down the street by a bunch of camera men.

Also taking on board that there might be a cheaper way of fixing it and am holding out a lot of hope for this. The family friend who is coming next week to have a look will be able to give me a true unbiased opinion so if there is any good news to be told - he will tell it (slim chance I know but I'll stay hopeful!)

Hopefully he will be getting a huge dose of karma.

Just read your last post! My god,how I'd like to kick him in the goolies for you! You should get a friend to invite him round to inspect her foundations, and then, when he's bent right over, you should pop out from behind a hedge, take a run up and kick him hard on his derriere.

Whilst no point pursuing him financially. I'd still issue a county claim for fixed amount and you can get judgment against him. Whilst you've said there's no point pursuing him for the actual money knowing I secured a CCJ against him would make me feel a tiny bit better

Doesn’t matter how fortunate you are in life or the fact you’re able to do something like this you’ve still had something really really shit happen to you. You are allowed to feel angry, sad and frustrated over this. He’s a tosser and absolute nasty piece of work, I would consider having him in court anyway in all honesty even if he has no assets. He may have hidden ones? Or his home etc I would aggressively go after him.