When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

bumbly have you ever actually had a conversation with your ex or Emma, or do you think slagging her off on the internet on the offchance she sees it is the best way to deal with this?

it sounds like you're massively angry, and I totally understand why, but I don't think this is really going to solve your problems!

Even to have a simple registry office wedding in the UK, its looking at £600 just for the ceremony. Plus everything else afterwards, even if it's small.

I got married in a registry office 5 years ago and it cost just over £100. I think that included all of the legal docs too.

@MyCatHatesEverybody I really have no idea as I don't know the people involved but to present it as an inevitability that the children will be upset, is imho, a mistake.
My parents didn't have a great relationship. My dad married without us there, we weren't scarred for life. I'm sure we weren't the only children to react with relative indifference. The OP's dsc may be different and may well be terribly upset. Who knows?
Fwiw, op, I think I'd tell them sooner rather than later and involve them in the party if you think it will help.

Your partner's kids are feeling insecure about their relationship with their dad.
Dad is blaming his ex for putting ideas in their heads and absolving himself of any responsibility.

So it is fine for him to Reduce contact and go off and get married without them.

The evil ex who puts ideas in their heads is good enough to take care of his kids full time while he is gone, and reasonable enough to allow the change to their contact arrangement so he can go and loving enough to be the one who has to deal with the fallout.

Pretty sure mum isn't the reason the kids are struggling with insecurity over their relationship with their dad.

You go ahead and keep telling yourself you're the good guys.

I'm rarely such an outlier on threads but I don't really see the huge issue here.

Absolutely if OP was having a wedding, with invited guests but NOT inviting the children - terrible. But it's only the 2 of them, abroad, and then they'll have a big party / celebration afterwards, where the kids will be included.

I think that's fine?

Maybe I am influenced by my own situation - single parent to 3 children, similar ages to here; their father is very uninvolved in being a 'parent' but does like to hang out with them as it suits him, so sees them for a bit each week. He is in another relationship, and kids end up having to join her and her kids a lot on their Saturdays, and mine aren't that happy with it. Obviously it's not my business, I have encouraged him to talk to them. If they got married (we're not yet divorced, 6 years later, so this is hypothetical), I'd 100% prefer they did it privately and my kids weren't involved, and I suspect so would my kids (obviously my kids' choice).

As long as OP and her partner tell their children of their plans, I don't think it sounds terrible? But I see I am in a very small minority here!

So you are basically saying that the £600 you get to keep in your pocket is more important than the feelings of your step-children. Wow, the Mother is right about you.

I bet the holiday to a couples only resort is costing a fuck load more money than the £600.

Tell us where the wedding is. I bet it is somewhere like Mexico or the Caribbean.

You are utterly selfish, and I say this as someone who has been married for 20 years and I am not a step parent. But even I can see that your partner excluding his own children from his wedding is harsh. He is putting you before them. You deliberately booked it during school time to make sure they couldn't attend.

Pretty unanimous YABU and yet you are still saying but they can choose wedding outfits. It isn't a wedding. It is a party.

I'm in London, the most expensive registry office wedding in my borough is £495, that'd be for a Sunday or bank holiday. Saturday is £305. But you don't really care about the price though do you, you just don't want the kids there and your mind is made up.

Of course missing it impacts them. Its a big important event in their fathers life. I think the idea of a tiny registry office ceremony before you go with kids in attendance is a great one. Wouldn't even have to do anything after, just the already planned party when back.

I'm not going to post the link to my registry office as that might give away too much information (like DSC Mum is on here).

You're all coming up with lovely suggestions for a week day wedding so do we honestly think it's acceptable to ask the kids to take a day off school? I know for a fact that won't happen as one DSC missed a holiday because she didn't want to miss a day off school.

My OP didn't ask for comments on the actual wedding and whether the kids should be there. As harsh as it sounds (now) that's been decided. I've booked in on the advice of my DP. He clearly didn't think the kids would be bothered.

For background, he is not divorced and their Mum has never been married. I guess that could go either way for them wanting to be at the wedding.

I wanted opinions on when to tell the kids and it seems sooner is better so we will do just that.

I'm a SM and honestly couldn't have done this to my SC. I can understand not wanting a big wedding but even if it did cost £600 I would definitely do a registry office ceremony with just the DSC before you went.

Poor children.

It's your wedding, and while I can see the fact that your doing it without anyone if fine as it's not like your deliberately excluding anyone over others, I think this would hurt the children regardless as he is their dad and as children they won't rationalise it the same way adults would. We got married a week ago and we both made sure DSD was a huge part in the wedding. As we bought pre-made cakes, we said she could decorate them with her dad. She also helped me make the kids bags, did my god daughters makeup on the day and was my bridesmaid. All our photos have her in them. But either way it is your wedding, and your choice but just be mindful of the effect this may have on them. The fact one has already cried indicates this may not be a good idea, And telling them as soon as possible if you choose to go ahead with it is best. Either way be prepared for the fallout xx

I personally would take my kids out of school for a wedding but dss mum would 100% not agree to it under any circumstances (though she takes him out whenever she feels like it!)

Have you previously spoken to them about it at all?

You need to tell them sooner rather than later.

Also I really feel like you should be including them, my children’s dad got married without telling them and I can tell it hurt my ds.

Surely getting married without them only reinforces the idea that their dad doesn’t live them as much. Why not just have a quick registery office wedding the children can be part of then use the holiday as a honey moon

Yes, I’m a SM, as I explained in my post about my DSC being a big part of our very small wedding a few years back. Check my posting history, I’m a regular on the step parenting board and think step mums in particular often get a very unfair time on MN. In this case I’m afraid that you’re handling it very badly and the ripples of excluding them - which you undoubtedly are - will be far reaching.

My wedding day, with my little super excited happy step children in their beautiful outfits, holding our hands, looking after my flowers and my DSS giving us our rings, throwing confetti, being in the photos, feeling special and included, is one of the happiest days any of us have had. They refer to it as “our wedding” and know how important a part they played. You only get those moments once. A party, albeit with nice outfits or whatever, is just a party. Something will be missing from it - the wedding part!

What's best is to have a wedding ceremony that the children can be involved in, if they would like to be. No wonder they feel shut out.

I was 26 when my mum re married and I wasn't invited, im now 39 and I still have issues about it.

I can get the whole just you 2 thing but think you need to think of it from the doc point of view on this one im afraid.

It’s so simple
Do a cheap mid week registry office with just them and a nice lunch after

Go on the honeymoon - get married again if you like. No one would care.

Have a big party on your return.

They don’t have to miss a school day. They presumably finish school around 3pm like most children in the UK (unless they are boarders) and could attend a wedding after that time or you could have one during the school holidays.

You are making excuses to deliberately exclude your future step children.

I'm a future SM in a similar situation and my partner and I have planned our wedding to be just us and the children. I could not contemplate doing it without them. You sound horrendously self-centred.

I'm a stepmum and I do think that a lot of women on Mumsnet can be irrationally nasty to stepmums on threads, but I do agree with the majority here. You've planned all this very thoughtlessly re the children's feelings and been very selfish (you and your fiancé). Particularly if you've got a real mother that will use what you do to damage your relationship with the children!!

My husband's ex wife (who ran off with another man long before I came along) got married while on holiday with her boyfriend. She told my stepson when she returned. My husband says he (the stepson) was really upset to not have been there. When he decided to propose to me he told his son first, he showed him the ring and asked him for ideas for where to ask me. For the actual wedding he was our best man (along with an adult friend as he was only 10!). He played here comes the bride on his keyboard that he'd learned at his piano lessons, He came in the wedding car with us back from the registry office to the venue, and sat inbetween us. He was a massive part of the day. Two months before the wedding his mother booked a holiday to prevent him from coming and he got really upset. Luckily her husband made her cancel it.

To leave them out like this and justify it to yourself that they won't want to come anyway because they have sports and say they're used to parents going away without them (poor little mites!) is pretty horrible. You really need to make a massive fuss at the party and have them centre stage- special dresses, hair done, photos of you all as a family, seat them somewhere prominent and mention them in speeches. Give them a job (setting off confetti guns as you walk in?). Make sure you make the party sound so much more important than your holiday. Ask them to help plan, use some of their ideas..

@Bonjourfreddie I know they won't take a day off school.

Yes DP has spoken to the kids about the future and they know that marriage and another baby is on the cards.

Children are very resilient and I think adults can often make things worse.

I've booked in on the advice of my DP. He clearly didn't think the kids would be bothered

I’m sorry you’re marrying someone with such scant regard for his children. Think carefully about whether you’ll have children with him.

Children are very resilient and I think adults can often make things worse

To be fair that’s pretty much the theme song for “I want my own way and fuck the consequences, the kids can deal with it”.

For me, personally, it was incredibly important for my fiancé and I to make my two boys (8 and 11 when OH proposed) as involved as possible.

Fiancé spoke to my eldest before he proposed, explaining that he loved me very much and was so happy at last to have the family he never thought he would have (my fiancé has no bio children) so would it be OK with him if there was a proposal and one day (not for a while as we have to save), a wedding. Eldest was happy with it all.

When we do marry my two boys are going to be walking me down the aisle (one on either side) and they have asked if they can play a trumpet duet together ❤ I cannot imagine getting married without them both being an integral part.