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Original poster

When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

864 replies

Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 09:20

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2019 11:35

The OP's dsc may be different and may well be terribly upset. Who knows?

OP has a fair idea as the kids already think their dad loves them less now he’s engaged. Her words.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 21/08/2019 11:35

To be fair that’s pretty much the theme song for “I want my own way and fuck the consequences, the kids can deal with it”.

It's my party and I'll make them cry if I want to?

honeyloops · 21/08/2019 11:37

Jesus Christ. I feel for step mums on here usually, because they get a bad rep. But you deserve the slagging you're getting!

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 11:37

annelovesgilbert to be fair if we take what op says as true, that's because their mother has told them that (and unfortunately I can well believe it because dps ex did the whole "he doesn't love you anymore" thing on a regular basis and still does even though dss is far too old to believe it!)

ok, it might be bollocks, but it might not.

katewhinesalot · 21/08/2019 11:37

Ok so do it your way but virtually everyone is saying that it will probably affect the dc. Still, whatever!

JacquesHammer · 21/08/2019 11:37

It's my party and I'll make them cry if I want to?

The chorus thereof Grin

DoulaDaisy · 21/08/2019 11:38

Who said take a day off school. Book it for a holiday day so they don't have to take a day off... You and your 'D'P are being quite selfish.

Alsohuman · 21/08/2019 11:38

Plenty of weekdays at half term with no question of taking them out of school. But you want your picture book wedding with kisses ankle deep in waves, don’t you, OP? And stuff anyone who gets in the way of it.

Boyo7 · 21/08/2019 11:38

It's almost like you want to wreck the children's relationship with their dad, so that you and your potential new baby can have him all to yourselves.

user1492809438 · 21/08/2019 11:39

Your comments show that you have no children and have no undertanding or interest in the damage your choices will cause.

beccamums29 · 21/08/2019 11:39

Going against the majority here but I'm not a step mum but I have a step father and he and my mum got married in the registry office with just their mums and dads as witnesses. I'm one of 4 and my stepdad has a son and none of us went to the actual wedding. We all went to the reception though which is a party. None of us were bothered in the slightest, it's their marriage, their promise to each other and nothing to do with us really. I think OP is being unfairly slated for their choice to marry just the 2 of them abroad.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/08/2019 11:39

I've booked in on the advice of my DP. He clearly didn't think the kids would be bothered.

Or he is just too self absorbed to care. Just giving out crap reasons for doing it the way you both want.

My DD's dad got married on a friday in term time. He wanted her there, I wanted her to go. She was a bridesmaid and looked so happy. If i ever get married, my DD is the one person I'd want to have if i had no one else.

edwinbear · 21/08/2019 11:40

He's a right catch your DP isn't he, you must be so proud. He'll make a terrific father when you have a baby Hmm

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/08/2019 11:40

I really hope this is a windup otherwise poor children.

onanothertrain · 21/08/2019 11:41

your DP has told them another baby is on the cards can't wait for those threads.
You're DP is an arse

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 11:41

Plenty of weekdays at half term with no question of taking them out of school. But you want your picture book wedding with kisses ankle deep in waves, don’t you, OP? And stuff anyone who gets in the way of it

I don't really see the issue with this tbh, she's marrying him, not the kids! She can infact still have this, and have a reg office wedding too!

Boyo7 · 21/08/2019 11:41

And 'when to tell' would not be an issue if you thought that what you were doing was ok. Because it wouldn't matter when you told. You know you are going to hurt these children but you just want to play the victim.

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 11:42

I also don't see whats wrong with telling them that a baby is potentially going to come along, surely that would be the better option than surprising them with a pregnancy?

DistanceCall · 21/08/2019 11:42

I know they won't take a day off school.

How do you know? Have you asked them? You can get married in the afternoon, or on a weekend, you know.

Children are very resilient and I think adults can often make things worse.

You keep telling yourself that. (Oh, and this shouldn't be a matter of the children being resilient. They should be made to feel welcome, FFS).

RainMinusBow · 21/08/2019 11:42

Loads of school holidays. I should know as I'm a teacher so a) Would have to get married in school hols anyway and b) Would choose to so could have kids there. I also c) Only have my boys half of the time so would have to be in one of the weeks they are with us as now way ex-husband would swap. Not insurmountable at all, we'd work our way around it 😊

whattodowith · 21/08/2019 11:43

Aww I’m so pleased he has made his children aware you will be getting married AND having another baby. I’m sure it reassured them that they are well loved and his top priority (as all children should be) especially given the fact you have excluded them from the wedding.

I’m sure his relationship with them will improve so much if you two have a child together too but hey, at least they’re only children so are resilient.

oldbuthappygothgirl · 21/08/2019 11:44

How old are the children, OP? That would make a difference to my answer.

whattodowith · 21/08/2019 11:44

she's marrying him, not the kids!

Not true. If you marry someone who already has children their children are part of the package.

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 11:44

so, should op not have her own child just in case the other children don't like it?

should nobody go on to have second families?

I think that's a bit unfair to be honest.

81Byerley · 21/08/2019 11:44

My ex husband remarried and rang all my children that afternoon. They were in their mid teens to early twenties. They were all upset for various reasons, but my 14 year old made him feel very small, when she wrote telling him how sad she was not to have been there. "I would have liked to have been there to help you celebrate your special day". In your position I'd get married before the holiday, with your children present, and celebrate with a meal. Then I'd have the ceremony abroad as planned. You don't need to do the legal bit there. My kids never really got over their father's lack of thought for them, and never got on with his wife, whom they blamed. In contrast, they were all grown with children when I remarried, and all took a part. My eldest son gave me away, my youngest son signed the register, my daughters were bridesmaids. They all love my husband.