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Original poster

When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

864 replies

Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 09:20

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

OP posts:
velocitygirl7 · 21/08/2019 11:05

So you want a no fuss simple wedding? Then just do it in a registry office with the dc. Two witnesses from Mumsnet maybe?
When I remarried dh wanted to make sure the dc knew that they were a huge part of his commitment to me. He wrote vows that included them and we had a wedding that was about us becoming a family, as much as it was about us as a couple. Sounds like you're dhs dc would benefit from the same?

Flower64 · 21/08/2019 11:05

When I married my ex (lets ignore him now being my ex) I became a step mother and we arranged our wedding to suit his court ordered time with his daughter and 12 hours before our wedding Dad was at court getting a specific issue order to take her on honeymoon with us - and my two children. Not a chance I was leaving her behind and it sounds to me like you don't have much of an idea about being a step parent and the extra effort it sometimes requires.

Not including your own children in your wedding is incredibly selfish on your partners part and there is no way my children would ever forgive me if I did this. Their mum isn't the biggest issue here but you're handing her ammunition on a plate anyway.

Something else to ask yourself is if they were your biological children would you leave them at home?

SunnyIn · 21/08/2019 11:06

My SC are invited to our wedding of course BUT I don't think they are really that arsed. They just seem quite 'meh' about the whole thing, not upset but not excited either. They are boys, I don't know if that makes a difference. I'd not expect them to really care that much if they couldn't come for whatever reason on the day.

HOWEVER, I would definitely still invite them. It's about them feeling included. They might not be interested or excited but it's still important that they know we want them there on a day that's important to us.

I'm sure they'd rather be at home playing Xbox though!

velocitygirl7 · 21/08/2019 11:06

And please don't include them in the planning for a wedding that totally excludes them!!

MyCatHatesEverybody · 21/08/2019 11:06

I've already said I'm a step mum and I think you're getting it wrong. Btw we had no qualms about going on couple's only holidays whilst they were away with their mum (we took them away ourselves too).

My DSCs and I have had rough patches when puberty hit them, however they've all come out the other side knowing we love and want them. I doubt they'd feel the same way if we'd done stuff like this.

ColaFreezePop · 21/08/2019 11:06

OP then use a registry office in a neighbouring borough.

If you live in London you have the advantage that a shortish taxi/cab ride away you can get a to a borough where it is cheaper and the venue may be nicer.

Mine charges something like £400, one of the neighbouring boroughs charges around half that and the venue is in a nicer location e.g. park rather than on high street.

You just want people to agree with you that you aren't being mean.

As a step-mother and previously a step-daughter I just think you are being both mean and stupid. Stupid because you are willing giving your DP's ex loads of ammunition she can use with the children against you both.

FiveShelties · 21/08/2019 11:06

Just because it is booked does not mean you have to do it - you could have the holiday as your honeymoon but get married before.

It is a hurtful thing you are planning to do and if that statement makes me a typical MN user, then I can live with that.

edwinbear · 21/08/2019 11:09

And I'm also in London. Lewisham registry office charges £291 on a Saturday.

Lewisham Register Office Ceremony Fees
1st April 2019 to 31st March 2020

The Evelyn Rooms, 368 Lewisham High Street

Ceremonies taking place between 09:00 - 17:00

Monday to Thursday £200
Friday £245
Saturday £291
Sunday / Bank Holiday £495.00

Alsohuman · 21/08/2019 11:10

Have the holiday without the wedding ceremony, that doesn’t affect your booking and get married with the kids there before you go. I’ve been a stepmother for over 20 years, by the way. Your lack of emotional intelligence is staggering.

kitk · 21/08/2019 11:10

Good lord. It's very clear that it's the father, not the mother changing the relationship here. Poor, poor kids. If DD's dad did this she'd be devastated and rightly so

Scorpiovenus · 21/08/2019 11:10

On the offchance this is you Emma, the relationship with the kids isnt great and its not me that puts negative things in their head, they just dont like you.

So why would you force the child to come if she don't like her? Then this surely the reason why they want none of your drama and your the reason that makes it difficult. SM probably don't like you either but at least has the respect not to damage young minds with such jealous drivel. He don't love and want you. Not the children.

katewhinesalot · 21/08/2019 11:11

Give them a choice.
"We are going to get married and go on honeymoon to x. It's possible to actually get married over there too, so what do you think? Shall we have a little ceremony with just us and you here, with a meal afterwards and then we go on honeymoon or are you not bothered? We could get married there and have a party here afterwards. What do you think?"

Don't say it with the tone that you hope they answer as you want them to. Just open up a discussion with them.

whattodowith · 21/08/2019 11:11

I’m not a step-mum but my DH is to my three DC from former marriage. He wouldn’t even dream of excluding them in any way and I wouldn’t allow it if he tried.

You don’t choose to marry someone who already has children if you don’t want their children to be a part of your life. Period.

BrunettesDoItBetter · 21/08/2019 11:12

I'm assuming you haven't got kids @Whentotell ? I ask because this is something I would have done in a heartbeat in my previous marriage when being a step parent was a pita and an inconvenience.In hindsight I was selfish and went out of my way to not include ex sd when i could get away with it just like you are now.Dont do it,listen to the people on here they know what they're talking about.

Ohmygoodnessreally · 21/08/2019 11:13

I judge your husband in this tbh. What an awful father.

ShhhBeQuiet · 21/08/2019 11:13

I think I’d do a registry office in the UK with the kids there. You can still have your honeymoon abroad. I’d tell them ASAP. Possibly it might be softer to tell them you are thinking of getting married first before telling them you are definitely getting married. It might soften the blow if they are likely to feel upset by it. It’s possible they won’t care though.

SandyY2K · 21/08/2019 11:13

Is there any chance you can do your vows again at the party and have them as part of the bridal party?

My brother got married for a second time and I know his kids would have been very upset to be left out... and they don't have a nasty mum.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 21/08/2019 11:14

In answer to your recent question Op I’m a Step parent. Once his DD knew we were engaged there was absolutely no chance of having the wedding without her...she immediately assumed she would be bridesmaid.
However I can’t see why you need to make drama if they know you are getting married. Haven’t they said anything to you about where or when you plan to do it? Can’t you just discuss your plans as you go along.

Watchingthyme · 21/08/2019 11:15

This thread is bizarre

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 11:16

ill reiterate that I understand why you're doing it, and don't think its inherently wrong and definitaley damaging, but I tend to agree that to keep everyone happy it would be really easy to have a reg office wedding with the kids (And it doesn't have to cost the earth! I think its a couple of hundred here for a weekday) and then carry on with your original plan, I am sure the hotel wont care if its a legal wedding or a blessing...

then you get what you wanted, and the kids are involved, and theres nothing for their mum to whinge about

as much as I think your wedding should be about what you the couple want, I also know how awful it is to have issues with your step kids and their mum, and for me I would want to minimise that in any way I could...

Noteventhebirdsareupyet · 21/08/2019 11:17

My Mum got married a few years ago and didn't tell me before or afterwards. I was really hurt not to be invited or informed and I didn't find out for a year or so after it happened and felt humiliated that others had been in the loop when I wasn't.

I didn't speak to my Mum for a year and a half after that as I felt like she had lied to me to my face for ages, even if it was an omission rather than an outright lie.

If you want to alienate your step kids and make them feel like the least important people in the world, then you two carry on with your plan.

Toothproblems · 21/08/2019 11:19

Me and dh have no plans to divorce but if that ever did happen and he was to be married I and the kids would be very upset if the kids weren't invited. They are his life. More so than you. Harsh but true. If he's a good dad he would involve them especially as they are already insecure. Imagine later if and when you tell them your having a baby.... Don't exclude them now and make it difficult later. If you have a baby that is. Jumping the gun a bit

DarkestBeforeTheDawn4 · 21/08/2019 11:19

Please tell them before you do it. My Narc mum remarried when I was little and phoned us the day after to tell us. We were devestated.

Trying81 · 21/08/2019 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrontBumbly · 21/08/2019 11:21

@Whentotell123 You might not be my Emma but you sure as hell act like her. She likes to play the victim whilst carrying out everything to her own agenda to the detriment of my kids.

You're a right fucking Emma.