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Original poster

When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

864 replies

Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 09:20

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

OP posts:
CruellaFeinberg · 21/08/2019 10:54

Bollocks is it £600.

I have just googled a random registry office, friday and Saturday is £150

Its more expensive for an enhanced or at a licenced venue

user1497997754 · 21/08/2019 10:54

I got married abroad and invited my daughter and I asked her if she wanted to bring a friend and she brought her boyfriend. We got married in Jamaica and they were in Australia on a gap holiday at the time so I paid for them to fly over and back it was fab there is no way I would have left her out x

ElizaDee · 21/08/2019 10:55

I'm pretty sure there are no children posting on here. If a child is hurt I'd say talk to them and try and understand why they're upset about an event they had no right to expect to be at anyway. But if an adult is still saying even now it's affected their relationship then frankly yes they do need to get over themselves and respect a couple's choice for who they do and do not invite.

I'd say it's a reasonable expectation to be a bridesmaid if one your parents were remarrying. Maybe not so much for boys and being a pageboy, but for girls it is.

Original poster
Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 10:55

Our local registry office charges £600. It's in London so perhaps that's why it's more expensive.

Either way it's all booked for abroad now so there's not much we can do. I think we will tell them sooner and explain to them the reasons why we're just doing the wedding whilst on holiday.

I will get them involved with the planning of the party and they'll get wedding outfits and help choose the entertainment etc so they will feel involved.

I'd be interested to know from the responses how many are SM? I have a feeling some responses may be the typical MN users.

OP posts:
NoCauseRebel · 21/08/2019 10:56

Now isn’t this interesting. OP gets pretty much unanimous responses that she is being unreasonable for about four pages, and then suddenly the OP has disappeared and a number of other posters have arrived to say that she’s being perfectly reasonable?

OP did you invite a load of your mates to puppet erm I mean pop on to the thread?

Redwinestillfine · 21/08/2019 10:57

'just the legal bit' is the important bit. Your kids should be there. If it's not costing anything abroad just do the legal bit' with you and the kids here, then go abroad, and then party when you get back. If you're worried about expense not why not scale down on the after party and use the savings to pay for the town hall bit? That's what they'll remember because that's what matters.

feathermucker · 21/08/2019 10:57

Of course you're excluding the children. Albeit not with any maliciousness.

TeacupDrama · 21/08/2019 10:57

you could get married in a registry much cheaper say on tuesday at 4,30pm in February half term with just you and the kids and the 2 witnesses
in our county it is £30 each ie £60 for 2 marriage forms one each £55 for the ceremony and £10 for 1 certificate ie £125 room hire is extra depending on size it is double on a Saturday
so the very basic is £125 not £600

RedWoollyHat · 21/08/2019 10:58

I'm a step mum, getting married this year.

ElizaDee · 21/08/2019 10:59

Either way it's all booked for abroad now so there's not much we can do.

Well there is. You can book a simple registry office ceremony that you invite them to before you go.

All registry offices have different ceremonies, so saying its a flat 600 is bullshit.

JacquesHammer · 21/08/2019 10:59

You’re right, it has nothing to do with the ex

If she’s expected to cover the missed contact, then the time is her business.

I'd be interested to know from the responses how many are SM? I have a feeling some responses may be the typical MN users

No. However my DD has a wonderful SM who knew how important it was to make sure DD felt included as part of their wedding. Her and my ex actually asked a couple of times “how do you think DD would feel about x”.

I think you’re making a massive mistake. However you know this as you wouldn’t have posted with the booking as a fait accompli.

All you can do now is be prepared for the children to find it difficult and accept this is yours and your partners doing and it may take a long time to repair.

DogHasEatenTheSqueaker · 21/08/2019 10:59

Pretty sure I wouldn't want to be marrying a man who put me before his children.

When DH and I got married his daughters were my bridesmaids and we did it in half term. They spent the week with us, it was on the final weekend and they went home with grandparents and we went off on honeymoon. They were fully involved in the run up so they felt included, as they should be.

You chose to marry a man with children. You can't now pick and choose when they're part of your lives. How would he feel not to be included in their subsequent weddings?

ElizaDee · 21/08/2019 10:59

Can you post the link to the fees page of your registry office op?

JacquesHammer · 21/08/2019 11:00

Well there is. You can book a simple registry office ceremony that you invite them to before you go

Actually yes good point - why not do this?

Weekday ceremony in UK before you go.

memaymamo · 21/08/2019 11:00

Why did you start a thread if you already knew it wouldn't bother them in the slightest though?

You'll need to make sure the home party is the one with all the special photos etc.

I hope you've taken this thread to heart. People may not be step parents but you MUST listen to those who were stepchildren and how they felt/feel. It's very telling that you only care about the opinions of step parents.

WankeyDoodle · 21/08/2019 11:00

This is one of the most heart breaking threads I've read. I hope you do the right thing and ensure the children are a massive part of your day, you can even do the marriage on honeymoon too

NoCauseRebel · 21/08/2019 11:01

OP it is far more relevant that a load of the posters are step children who can speak from their own personal experience. Whether someone is or isn’t a step parent is not relevant here.

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 11:01

nocause report it if you think that.

Avonandice · 21/08/2019 11:01

My dad remarried and we werent even told it was happening, I only found out he had remarried when I saw a photograph of the two of them on the wall of her house. My brother and me have never been made to feel like a part of their family and once my half sister was born it was quite obvious we are just an inconvinence to her perfect family life.

Tell them as soon as you can and if so try to involve them as much as possible.

clucky3 · 21/08/2019 11:01

By not having them there when you actually marry you are excluding them. I'm an adult and I'd feel upset if my dad did that to me, I think it's an awful thing to do so three children. They will absolutely think their dad doesn't love them.

elessar · 21/08/2019 11:02

Well @Whentotell123 you clearly don't give a shit if it's a bad idea or not so I don't know why you've asked.

My mother remarried and had I been excluded (as an adult!) I would have been very hurt. It's a very clear way to either say 'we are joining together as part of the family including my children' or on the contrary 'we are joining together as a couple and that's more important than my children from my last marriage'. I don't think there's a much clearer way to make the children feel excluded and unimportant in their father's life.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 21/08/2019 11:04

Sorry OP, but you’ve been given great advice.
You can’t ignore the fact that your fiancé has children.

My exP has 2 children who were difficult, and in my naïve, selfish pre DC days I fantasised about marrying without them present.
In the end we never married and later split. My DS absolutely adores his big sister & brother.
Don’t forget that these children you are excluding are your future children’s siblings.
You’re prioritising one day of fluff over hopefully a lifetime of a new family.

TeacupDrama · 21/08/2019 11:04

in Surrey at Guildford so not far from London the small room ( ie big enough for your kids) is
£115 plus £11 for certificate and £35 ( £70 for two) for notice of marriage forms total £196 monday - thursday
if you wanted to you could find somewhere cheaper in London to do the legal bit on a weekday in school holidays

EatDessertFirst · 21/08/2019 11:04

My brother and I were the children in this scenario.
My dad and his wife got married in abroad and only told us when they came back. I could have smacked the smug look off his wifes face.

Those poor kids are going to feel rejected by their father. You won't be giving their mum ammo, just damaging them. As a PP said, kiss goodbye to any relationship with the eldest. You are both disgraceful and poor parents to these children.

edwinbear · 21/08/2019 11:05

Either way it's all booked for abroad now so there's not much we can do

Yes, there is. You can add them onto the booking, but you don't want to OP, do you. You have visions of tripping down the beach in a white dress without any children in the way.

Don't come on here with fake concern about when to tell the DC so as not to upset them. You don't care about them in the slightest - I feel really sorry for them.