When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

My DP is a great Father
No, he really isn't.

We have accepted the fact that we can't influence them
What a load of BS. This thread makes it totally clear that you don't give a shit OP. You couldn't send any clearer a message

I admit I am selfish for wanting to marry on our anniversary
That's one word for you. Pretty mild tbh

We have booked and have paid for our wedding so regardless of the advice (which is not what I had originally asked for) I won't be losing that money
You have heard many, many examples of how hurtful this has been to other children and you simply do not care. You are determined to assert your authority and 'place' no matter who you hurt. You are a very 'special' kind of person OP. Get onto that new baby asap just to make it complete.

@Courts1988 it’s ‘you’re’ and your language is disgraceful. Learn how to express your opinion without using such foul language.

Never in the history of MN have I been as pissed off with a thread as I am with this one

I so agree with you, Justdontdoit. Obviously I have read some very tragic threads on here, and some that make me angry or upset. But this thread and the thought of the callousness of not sharing, and not wanting to share, the coming together of (supposedly) a new family, I am finding so cruel. I want to shake the OP and her soon to be husband. Surely they know by now what harm this will cause the children emotionally, but even knowing that to continue with their own selfish plans is a new kind of cruelty somehow. Those poor children!

And how can the OP marry someone who is prepared to leave his children out of one of the most important moments of his life. And how can the husband to be marry someone who feels the same way. Beyond selfish, but more than that somehow. The children will always carry with them that their father did not care enough to invite them to his wedding, always!

How about you have a 'humanist' celebrant at the party you're going to have (or a confident mate who could 'bless' you?Involve them in that, make an aisle, do a big show of the ceremony, get them to read something etc. Involve them in a ceremony rather than just a party. Or like the previous poster said, just say some vows under a tree on a nice day out.

Just in case the OP returns to this thread.

My father remarried without inviting my brother and I. I was 13 and my brother was 11.

You can't really describe the level of hurt that causes. One with the realisation that your Dad doesn't really care. You can say he's a fantastic dad all you want. But as soon as he tells them it will cause irrversible damage.

It also gave my very angry mother a huge amount of ammunition. So you think you are winning but really you are playing right into the BM's mother's plans if you are right that she's putting ideas into her kids minds. She's probably hoping you are going to do just that.

I'm lucky - I've come out the other end with a happy marriage, good qualifications and a good job. A pretty good life really despite the fuckwittery that played out around me.

My brother on the other hand. Didn't fare so well with drug and alcohol problems. He really didn't get over the fact that his Dad didn't care about him.

Lots of other posts have said that the OP will regret it. I doubt it. But I guarantee you that your DH will. If you love your DP then make this work and have them involved - just do the register office and then have your 'real' ceremony on honeymoon.

Otherwise he could be watching another man walk his daughter down the aisle when she gets married and then begging his daughter for forgiveness like my Dad did. You could imagine the torment that would have caused my Dad.

You have the power to change it. If you love your DP you would want to the best thing for him. Including his kids is.

Hi OP, just in case you are still reading comments after signing off. Having read your last update I thought I’d offer my advice. You certainly don’t have children yet, but your partner does. He has assured you that they will not be at all interested in your wedding and you say you are happy to just be seen as your DP’s partner in the eyes of his children so, to answer your original question, don’t tell them. Ever.

Hide your wedding photos when they come round, keep your maiden name, cancel the gift grabbing party and put them off with answers of ‘someday’ when they start asking when they will be your bridesmaid(s).

That way you get your free wedding abroad, child free holiday and your legal status as a wife. This way the children need never know how they were shunned by their father. You will be left to explain and sort out inheritances etc. if he dies first, but, hopefully that is in many years time and until the you can sit secure in the knowledge that you both got what you wanted with the bonus that you haven’t devastated them when they are all still so young.

Your concern at when to tell them shows that you already know they will be upset. You do not want to change any aspect of your wedding so best to just keep it a secret from everyone to avoid hurting the children.

1/10 This has to be made up. No civil human being, would be so insensitive to children

Could you have a blessing at home? Like go abroad then get the marriage blessed by a vicar and have the kids there for that ?

SM here just because you doubted any would appear. We deliberately got married in a way to include my SD despite wanting to go away as her parents had never been married and this was the only time she would see either one of them get married (mum didn’t believe in it)

We both wanted a small no fuss ceremony that didn’t cost the earth. We were actually going to take SD away with us and do it but were convinced to do it in the UK on a Thursday by the celebrant who stated “if people are willing to take a day off work to come and watch then they are the ones that care” we then went for dinner with a handful of people and had a party later on for those that hadn’t been at the actual ceremony. You can come up with a solution but you are choosing not to. You could enquire about changing the dates of your holiday but you won’t. These decisions will affect the relationship not only you have with your step children but also change forever their relationship with their father. I could never be the person that caused such a rift between a parent and their child, I hope you are prepared to live with that hanging over you.

I admit I am selfish for wanting to marry on our anniversary. I did the right thing by checking with DP whether us marrying abroad would be ok and he reassured me multiple times that it will be completely fine.

It was my DP that wanted to marry abroad

The kids have hobbies at the weekend and don't like to miss these and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they wouldn't want to go to the wedding if it was at the weekend. The kids have their routines and like it.

You can call me selfish but we have a specific date for our wedding, our anniversary which falls on a Saturday so no there was no option to book the wedding at the registry office.

Yes we could have done a registry office wedding with the kids (who may or may not have come depending on what their Mum said) but we decided to do what we want to do.

DP knows his kids and he knows they won't bat an eyelid at not being at a wedding

More holes than Swiss cheese

either way it’s all booked now so there’s nothing much we can do

Err cancel the booking, change the holiday to a honeymoon only.

The children are very young, I can’t believe you are not inviting them to the ceremony or at least giving them the choice.

You are both showing the children no respect or understanding of the emotional trauma this will cause them. You sound naive and clueless about children. It’s all about you and not them, it doesn’t work like this with children. You sound so dismissive of them it doesn’t look goid for their future.

OP - I read this entire thread last night when I couldn't sleep. Your incredibly selfish and entitled. I know 'an Emma' whos currently in Las Vegas getting married without her soon to be ss8 there. Hes the son of a dear friend. Let's face it you Emma's don't give a shit about anyones feelings apart from your own. It's quite disturbing really.

If a wedding is purely a legal formality and doesn’t mean all that much to OP then she won’t mind doing it in the local registry office instead.

I agree Emma has contradicted herself so many tines. If the wedding was truly a “piece of paper” formality she wouldn’t NEED it to be on a specific day (her anniversary with romantic meaning ) if that were true She would do the legal bit here in a registry office any day between now and then and view the honeymoon as just that, a honeymoon.
It is not a formality to her.
It’s both of their first weddings and she wants her dream beach wedding with man of her dreams who doesn’t have any baggage, I mean children.

She is a Grade A spoiled brat

I desperately hope this creep of a man does the same to her one day. I feel so sorry for his ex dealing with this and the inevitable fall out for her children,
The little one already in tears by OP own admission.
She doesn’t want suggestions and I suspect quite a few of the dissenting voices are her pals (flying Monkeys)

Karma has a way of biting people on the ass. I just wish I could witness her karma coming for her.
A despicable woman altogether.

I expect men to be like this (that often are) and although he shoulders most blame for taking up with this cretin and being part of the exclusion of his kids, but for her to treat another woman and dsc like this.
She’s truly not a sister.
She won’t be back as net mums has the measure of this madam.

Oh my goodness such outrage at not taking stepkids on a holiday. We've taken more holidays without DSD than we have with. At the start of our relationship we had about 3 one year (not all abroad) not a single one with DSD. This year we've only had one and that was with DSD. I'd say it's fairly common and normal as you establish your relationship.

However I do know bio parents who go away without their children and they don't get any stick whatsoever for it. The kids happily go off to grandma's for the week whilst Mum and Dad go abroad. Only in the world of step parenting is it considered so wrong

AE18
I just didn't want them there. Children aren't usually at their parents wedding. We had a couple of people to witness and that was it. This was 2 years ago, at the time they were 16, 13 and 8. We told them that evening. I don't think they were particularly bothered.

You think. You don't know. They aren't likely to let their emotions show to people who make it obvious they aren't bothered about them. I bet someone else is picking up the pieces though or they'll still be harboring resentment in their 40's as a lot of pps on here are.

@Whentotell123 Do you love your DSC? Because it doesn't sound like it. My two older children are from a previous relationship. We were married abroad and if my DH had suggested not bringing the children to one of the most important days of our lives, then there wouldn't have been a wedding. Would you leave your own child at home to be married abroad? Our older children have nothing to do with their biological father now and call my husband Dad. He is their Dad. He wipes away their tears, cleans up their sick, taxis them about, provides for them and treats them in no way different from our younger children (his biological children). For me it would be a deal breaker if my partner didn't treat my children in the way my husband does. There shouldn't even be a question about when you tell your DSC as they should be fully involved and coming with you. If they don't want to come abroad then I would cancel the wedding part and have the wedding closer to home for them. This entire thread says more about you as a person than about the DSC mother. I would be asking the question am I marrying the right person if I were you. You aren't just marrying him you are taking on the role of a parent.

No axe to grind here, just feel I have to post on my first ever AIBU having lurked for years. OP: I hope you read this full thread and more importantly, show it to your partner. You might not like the message, but the overwhelming consensus is right. You will quite possibly damage your relationship with at least one of the children and potentially create a lifetime of psychological problems for them. My husband’s father remarried when he was a child, without inviting my husband and his sister. A decision he took without malice, believing that it would be easiest to do it without a fuss. My sister-in-law came close to having a breakdown over her relationship with her father decades later in her 30s. Years of counselling required, and the focal point of her distress was her father’s wedding. My husband on the other hand wasn’t bothered in the slightest. You have to understand, it’s what it might come to represent to the children in the future rather than what it means to you now, and you have little control over that, particularly if their mother is out to cause difficulty.

Swallow your pride, take some responsibility and please do right by the children. If you are lucky enough to have your own kids one day, you will look back on this and realise why so many mums have been moved to post on this thread.

@katewhinesalot

Your quote there was from somebody else's comment, not mine.

@SarahH12

Seriously, that’s what you’ve taken from this thread “it’s unacceptable for a couple to go on holiday without their step DC”? Really? Perhaps a skim read would help you see that they’re free to go on holiday or honeymoon alone but it’s the wedding that’s the problem. The free wedding, in this case, so no money would be lost if they didn’t do it..

@SarahH12 what a treat you sound
So proud of your many holidays without your DSC

Sorry AE18

@katewhinesalot

No problem 🙂

It was icanbewhatiwant not AE18