When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

This is the most pointless thread I’ve ever seen on MN.

OP if you are so convinced you’re in the right as your rude replies demonstrate, why did you bother starting this thread in the first place? 🙄

That one day isn't about the two of you, he comes with added extras, that one day, and all the rest, are about all of you.

I think the OP probably hoped there would be more people who understood her pov and agreed.

It's an unfortunate situation really. Personally I don't understand how you can marry someone with children and not expect them to be there on the big day, if you're having a big day. Not a very good start to a marriage.

Maybe the op will change her mind, people do. I hope so.

It's funny (not ha ha) that this always seems to be an issue with dads/step-mums weddings and not the other way around. Mums want their kids there and dads don't? - I doubt it. More like, dad's want their kids, but sm doesn't and he doesn't want to rock the boat or make it an issue. If the OP had children, you can bet they would be going.

I don't blame you, l did the same, quick register office wedding, grabbed two witnesses then told everyone afterwards including my two adult stepkids. I had similar politics going on and there was no way anyone was going to be given the opportunity to sabotage something as important as our wedding as they had done with several Xmas days and other occasions, holidays etc.
Big night do later in the month with everyone invited.
I personally wonder if it is in dscs best interests to watch their dad make the same vows he once made to their mum and to some who are struggling with the situation in the first place or being negatively spoken to about it, could feel like rubbing their nose in it.

PS: Or else call it off and find someone without children.

She's not listening because this is what she wanted.

We were all supposed to slag off the mother at the beginning, blame her for the kids being upset and agree that probably best, tell kids on X date. Even her updates had jibes at the mother again saying if anyone had an affair it was her as she moved on faster than the DP.

After a couple attempts at feeble excuses (cant do a weekend wedding, the kids have activities, they wouldnt want to miss an afternoon of school ) fucks off and comes back with DP knows them and we're doing this- why ask then?

She's bloody delighted with herself- she's getting her wedding and the kids wont be there and probably glad that overwhelming opinion is that the kids wont want to be involved in their father's life anymore because she gets that prize all to herself for her own offspring to enjoy.

I just hope she has a teeny tiny seed of doubt that grows and grows when she finally realises that shes marrying someone who has deliberately chosen to exclude his kids at the whim of a woman and will have no hesitation doing the same to hers down the line.

I expect a NC and a thread somewhere down the line next year of 'My dsc and dp blame me for bad relationship'.

Women like her give decent step parents a bad bloody name, but she'll reap what she sows eventually.

Complete and utter Emma of the first water.

So long as you play down the "legal procedure" and say that the important bit is the Celebration at the Party

You mean the legal but as in the vows and actual marriage The party on return, is just that, a party. It’s not a wedding. It’s a place for people to bring gifts after.

If my parents had excluded me from their wedding, they wouldn’t be getting an invite in return.

@IceCreamAndCandyFloss agreed. And if my DP tried to exclude his kids or mine from the wedding, there would be no wedding.

I hope she gets this back in spades.

Tell them now. Do not exclude the children. This happened to my OH when he was aged 6 - his Mum married 2nd Hubbie without telling him or his brother. He has never understood it, felt completely hurt, unloved and pushed out of the family. This can only do untold damage. Have a registry office with all your children present, have a fun meal out with just them afterwards, making a big fuss of them and including them in your future life as an extended family. Then honeymoon abroad and have the big party afterwards making sure the kids have a big role in the event and aren't sidelined. you want to start your married life together with a healthy relationship with the children, not one of hurt and recrimination and also providing fuel to fire for the ex wife. Don't do it!

Just wonder if they were your bio children and not your H2B would they still not be coming to the wedding abroad due to school/ hobbies or any other excuse you used to exclude them!!
This is why step parents get so much flack- because of some that see their SC as outsiders to their new found relationship!

So long as you play down the "legal procedure" and say that the important bit is the Celebration at the Party which you want them to help you organise. The suggestions about reading your vows and promises might be liked by the children. They might want to come in like a bridal procession.... but let this be the bit they do their way and be the memorable day for them. The day when they joined families!

FFS, it never amazes me how stupid people think kids this age are. My 10-year-old would see right through this shit, not to mention what the older ones would think, which would likely be a great big, 'We get it, you don't want us at your fucking wedding, just as your poxy fake wedding party consolation prize and you expect us to be grateful such crumbs.' And then I have a feeling it would be a giant fuck you to the relationship, 'joining families' but only on your terms because you need you 'special time together the two of you'. Mine would be asking to pass them the bucket.

This 'dad' is a straight up POS to even contemplate doing this to his kids, much less going through with it, as to anyone who'd want to marry someone like this, I guess every village has its idiot. There will later be shock and surprise when he treats the children of his second family the same shabby way.

I don’t understand why you keep saying ‘but it’s all arranged/decided’ as if it’s impossible to alter?! Surely you can use the already booked holiday as your honeymoon, just don’t do the wedding part? (Or do that bit as a blessing and get some nice photos) Then you could do the actual marriage bit here before you go and have a relaxing time somewhere sunny afterwards. A post wedding party is just that, a party. Suggesting your step children can help plan the entertainment and get wedding outfits for it counts for very little, and the oldest one definitely will think it odd to be dressing up in wedding attire when the wedding happened weeks previously!

And no, I’m not a step mum. However I am a Mum whose exDH did exactly what your fiancé is planning to do. I witnessed the hurt and sense of rejection experienced by my children, the negative impact on the relationship with their Dad, and the quiet satisfaction of his new wife who is delighted at his prioritisation of her and their new child.

You have pages of people saying that what you’re doing is crummy - Mums, step Mums, children who experienced similar situations and I’m sure that isn’t what you wanted to hear. Please listen though, and consider the confused thoughts and emotions of 3 young children as a result of your plans.

but I am now obsessed with the minutae of a free Sandals wedding. Only $5 extra per chair cap! $2 per napkin ring! And if you have five guests book rooms, you also get a sangria bar and tiki torches!

Me too. I think I'd always imagined those weddings to be really stylish and classy and instead it's just totally naff. Definitely had my illusions shattered tonight.

Apologies to anyone who had a sandals wedding.

@Whentotell123 i recently got married in june..after 10years together. I have 4 children and he has 1..they all were involved in the wedding. It was done in a registry office, we had a party after the whole thing cost us less than 2grand including outfits, buffet etc. I made my own cakes, it was a fab day. It was far more about the marriage for us and less about thrills, i wanted to just go do it in secrecy but after speaking to all the children, they all said they were happy with whatever made us happy but that they would be sad they never got a chance to be bridesmaids and best men etc. My dss was best man, my 2 dd's were bridesmaids and my 2 ds's walked me down the aisle. It was a small affair but i know i did the right thing by including them.

This is so difficult but also so common. There are so many threads in what you have written and they are all impacting on your decision - I have seen this several times with my wedding clients. I am a Psychologist who also works as a Wedding Celebrant. SO: you want it to be special - just you and your partner and leave all the cr*p behind so your special day is not tainted in any way and he wants to please you. The Ex has allegedly said things to the children which will build on their own insecurities about a new person in their family and impact on their relationship with their Dad. You have an image of your perfect day (just the two of you) that, even if it upsets other people, you want to go ahead with and you think you can salvage afterwards. I would suggest you need to consider short-term bliss compared to long-term aggro as being left out of their Dad's Big Day will not be forgotten - may be forgiven when they are older but not forgotten. As previous posters have suggested, go and have the wonderful honeymoon - just the two of you - but they do need to be involved in the wedding. If you exclude them, there is also the potential for this to cause you problems in the future when it may be 'remembered' that it was you who decided they were not to be there. In my wedding ceremonies, I incorporate some lovely rituals that are very special when joining families together so there are definitely ways to make your Partner's children feel very special and this will also be a significant defence in any negative commentary that may come from their Mum. Good Luck x

Dear OP, it’s a waste of time asking mumsnet for any advice re step parenting and blended families. They live on another planet. I wish you and your future husband all the best.

Op won't listen. She's tying herself in knots to justify having her own selfish vision of a wedding. So very short sighted and unbelievably selfish. You won't lose the money op? Well be prepared to lose your family. Unless that's the objective?

@Jellyrunner I don't think that's the case with this thread. There's a lot of step mums on here disagreeing with the OP as well.

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

They do that on other step mum threads as well. Mumsnet is a place for people with a very specific way of viewing things that is more unbendingly child centric than a vast majority of people in the real world (obviously, it's in the name), but the people on here just see other similar people agreeing with them and assume that's the only right way of doing things. It's a great community for people like that, but not very useful for people with a more laid back, pragmatic view of the world where not every little thing makes you the scum of the Earth and a terrible parent.

I'd never come on here expecting advice for level headed people

My daughter was both bride maid for when ex got married and when me and dh got married.

It was super important

This is a response that I was going to suggest.
Please involve them in some details of the wedding. You will regret it forever if not x

@AE18 I do think when the children ARE children (rather than adults), dealing with step parents etc it's up to us as the adults to be child-centric...children of separated parents have to deal with a lot of change that isn't their choice...surely it's down to the parents to make it as painless as possible for them? I certainly put my boys first over any relationship.

unbendingly child centric than a vast majority of people in the real world (obviously, it's in the name), but the people on here just see other similar peo

I'm childless and will stay that way. My life is about as far from being child centric as it's possible to get.

I still think that a marriage like this, second marriage, when the children are already here, should involve them. If nothing else it prevents a lot of problems in the future with children feeling displaced and not loved enough. It also prevents bitter exes from causing trouble - if you want to look at it that way.

Well, I'm glad we cleared that up. Twenty-seven pages of near-total consensus, including advice from dozens of women who've introduced a step-parent to their DC's lives or become stepmothers themselves... and it's all just part of the Mumsnet anti-stepmother conspiracy.

Thanks for bringing this to our attention. Clearly, many stepmothers have been dangerously brainwashed already and are attempting to radicalise others with their stories of 'kindness' and 'consideration'.

Honestly, I don't know how the self-appointed level-headed, pragmatic people stand it here; it's lucky there's so few of them they'd fit in one taxi when they go back to the real world. Thank you once again for correcting the hysterical masses' misconceptions in such a non-patronising manner!