When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

Some people are more in love with the wedding than the marriage and all that entails. The op and fiance are planning a big wedding abroad, it would be different if they were just getting married quietly at the local registrar and having a celebratory party later on, which some people do, but their wedding will be a 'do'. Presumably they're inviting some friends and family so why deliberately exclude the children?

It's hurtful and I'm surprised the father of the children hasn't said anything about it, or other family members. You don't just snub children like that.

I wouldn't marry a man willing to ditch his kids to marry me.

Tell the ex now and she can work on picking her kids back up from this kick in the teeth.
Are you/would you leave your kids behind to marry him?

@Alsohuman

Whilst it is possible to marry on a weekday for a lower price at our local registry office, the OP had already said it needed to be a Saturday and the cheapest price for that is £600 plus the cost of certificate and the 'giving notice' - used to be called the banns in my day.
I still think the OP is entirely wrong to exclude the step-children from the wedding, but clearly she's made up her mind and really only wanted validation of that.

"Kids are resilient" - what an appalling attitude.

I've seen the effects that this can have on children - a good friend of mine developed a very serious eating disorder as a result of being so hurt at being excluded and 15 years later is still suffering from it. It's not just your DSC's relationship with you and their father that you're jeopardising, but potentially also their mental health.

I know OP said it has to be a Saturday but it doesn’t, does it? It could easily be a Thursday at half term. It’s an excuse.

Sorry OP I haven’t read all the pages, there’s quite allot!
I feel you have had a hard time, and I think it may be hard be difficult without sounding harsh but I think when it’s your own children you may have felt differently.
I am a step child and my mum remarried when I was 10. They had a registry office etc but was a big build up with us choosing dresses etc.
Is there any option to add children if possible as this gives you the option of asking if they would like to come. If it’s in term time and you feel they wouldn’t want to miss hobbies at least if they say no you have asked them. If they say yes then add them and have a holiday together to experience the wedding and have time to bond.
When your getting married and children are involved you need to include them as much as possible. They emotion will affect your relationship for the next 30-50 years.

My dad remarried and I wasn't invited. 30 years on and it still hurts! Is it possible that you could include the children?

. Doesn't have to be fancy schmanzy , if you can't afford a registrars office then go and stand under a tree with the kids, say some made up vows and swap rings. Just involve them.

It might get lost in all the hysteria on this thread, but I think this is a really good idea.

You could have a special ceremony in the garden that is centred around the kids, you could even have them reading the vows, be bridesmaids and have a cute little party with cakes etc. It doesn't have to be the official ceremony, just a special party for the 5 of you that fits in with their contact time. If they like their routine and you're "officially" doing it when they can't/wouldn't want to be there for specific reasons, that should be reason enough.

I think you know that this setup would hurt them otherwise you wouldn't be worrying about how to tell them. Try and put yourself in their shoes.

Can you even legally marry in another country? I thought you had to be resident so people have a registry office ceremony here too.

I'll probably get flamed for this but most no kids at weddings posts result in the majority saying how boring weddings are for kids and there's stuff they would rather be doing. It sounds like you have both considered the dsc in regards to planning the dates so they aren't missing any weekend time with you. If your only option was taking them out of school to take them and you were on here saying his ex was refusing everyone would probably say your wedding isn't that important to them and would be boring.

I think a party back home sounds lovely and much more fun. Maybe try and involve them in the planning and in chosing their outfit. And look at taking them on holiday later on in the year?

Their Mum shouldn’t be making those comments agreed. But I also think it isn’t very nice to exclude them from the wedding. Sorry but YABU

OP I think you should LISTEN to what a lot of ppl are trying to tell you. Think about it from your dsc's point of view. I am not a sm but my best friend is and have step uncle/aunties/cousins. Not being invited to their dad's wedding will be a big deal, so at least give them the option. I am not trying to be mean but helpful, to stop you starting married life with what could end up massive problem and hurting part of your family/children who have no say. Your dsc, who are hopefully going to be part of your life forever more, are going to be emotionally affected. I think you have it all planned so don't want to change anything and obviously you cannot cancel your holiday, but you could arrange something beforehand. I know you don't want to hear this and this is not what you were asking about, but it's given you a chance to get some good advice, on a subject you hadn't thought about*. And btw £600 is cheap for your peace of mind and not making them unhappy. Even if they are still not happy at least you can, hand on heart, know you did the right thing.

Some have commented that it's your wedding between the two of you and you should have exactly what you want. That's fine pre-children but not when dsc are involved. You are marrying him and his kids are part of the package and if you want to be a decent sm (and he a good dad) you should be thinking about their feelings (and not giving the mum any more ammunition - if what you say is right).

I don't think anyone is being hysterical - just probably speaking from experience (as am I) and the heart. Of course, your dsc won't need therapy afterwards, but they will probably feel very HURT. Not the right way to start married life.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and here's hoping you do the right thing.

*btw this is good experience as a good step parent should be considering the consequences of their (marital) decisions on their children/step children.

No wonder ex is passed off he left her with 3 under 5- that would have made it easy for her to support herself at work!

In 10 years his next fiancée will be here calling op the evil ex.

Talking as a former step child I had an awful relationship with my step parent to the point where I spent most of my teenage years walking on eggshells and hiding in my room, but I still would have been devastated not to have been involved in the wedding and a bridesmaid.

In contrast the as an adult the best wedding I ever went to both bride and groom had been married before with kids ranging from 8 to 17yrs. All kids were asked their views and gave enthusiastic permission to blend families before the couple got engaged. During the small ceremony the celebrant spoke about this not just being a marriage, but a joining together of 2 families and as part of the ceremony ALL the kids joined in and agreed to that. Brought a tear to my eye to see a family with kids equal and willing parties to the marriage. That's surely how it's meant to be done?

Just tell them starting from now, in stages. For a month or two, say wtte: we love living with each other/being together and want to make it official so we will get married one day, because we love each other. It doesn't make any difference to us loving you, looking after you or seeing you that will always be the same.

Then, after they have got used to the idea that you two are going to get married, that it's quite normal, won't make any difference to them, and they've had time to ask you all about it, move on to the more definite stage, planning the wedding:
We're sorting out about how to get married. It will be a quiet wedding because it's our second one so we want it to be simple. It's being together that is important because we love each other. It won't be like the weddings in Church or where there are bridesmaids and all that. We just want to do the legal part of getting married. It doesn't make any difference to us loving you or seeing you and how we look after you, all that stays the same, we love you and that will always be the same.

We've fixed up a date for when we will get married. It'll be when we're on our holiday. It's only a simple process, not a grand ceremony like a first wedding, not lots of people and guests and so on, just us. We have to see a ... (legal person..) and answer the marriage questions and say our vows and then we will be married. It will only be in a little room. No fancy things with flowers and so on. just us and the person who officiates/gets us legally married to each other. it doesn't take long. It doesn't make any difference to us loving you or seeing you that will always be the same, nothing will change in the way we love you and look after you.
After we come home we are going to have a big party, as our Wedding Reception / to celebrate our being married. What will you all wear? What do you think we should have at the party? etc.

I would make sure they know all the stages before/ just after Christmas so it gives them time to understand that is what is happening when you go on holiday. They need time to let it sink in and to talk to you about it. By going in stages they have time to process it.

Congratulations and have a lovely time when you go away together. I think that's a great idea for a second marriage. It gives you that special time together. The party can be something you involve the children in the planning of, making them feel very needed and important.

If this actually is an example of an alienating mother (doubtful) rather than a father who thinks he’s a great dad after leaving his children’s mother because he sees the kids whenever he’s not doing something more exciting with his new partner, why does the OP want to hand her victory?

If the father is right that the kids won’t care, I bet they will after their mother has finished explaining he is doing this because he doesn’t love them any more.

Since the OP apparently thinks stepkids aren’t something she has to consider ( it’s not like she’s their parent) I don’t think I will rely on her assessment of character but if she is right, I have a vision of alienating Mum cracking the champagne and celebrating that her ex and his new partner have given her such spectacular ammunition.

Ngailia of course it does (sorry) and you prove what a lot of posters have been saying.

My aunt got married 40 years ago and didn't invite her (2) sd's and they were incredibly upset. What's worse is that I went plus my cousin and we were only a couple of years older than the oldest sd. I think I know why they didn't as the wife was making merry hell even before the engagement and saying all sorts to the sd's (including her having terminal cancer - she is still alive today and apparently made a miraculous recovery despite having no treatment or visiting a hospital) - I could write a book with her antics. My aunt was not the OW and had met my uncle a few years after the divorce and after he had another relationship.

Hopefully the OP will listen to the voices of experience!

I think you should go ahead with the wedding abroad just the two of you.
Yes, you have chosen to marry a man with children and yes you have an obligation to them. However this is your wedding day. Enjoy it. Let that one day be just about you two.
I know many people that have chosen completely child free weddings and only brought their own children to the reception - which you would be doing yourself, just at a later date.
The only thing I really think you should do though is to explain to the children as soon as possible why you are doing what you are doing and then give them the opportunity to get as involved in the party planning as they want to be.
Also make sure you are not in a situation where you are saying you can’t afford things for them because of the wedding. Make sure they know they are loved.
Other alternative is to not have a party and spend the money on doing something with them - another holiday, even a weekend at the theme park. Whatever would make them feel included.
If they genuinely don’t like you then it’s not going to be pleasant for either you or them on your wedding day and it sounds like it’s going to be tricky always. Enjoy your wedding day the two of you.
My parents both remarried and I wasnt invited to my fathers wedding. Neither were any other children so I was absolutely fine with it and have a good relationship with both.
The children are probably worried about what will happen to them if you have children of your own together. That’s what kids assume happens after marriage and brings most of the self doubt in.
Be honest and upfront and talk to them. They deserve love and honesty from both their parents - and you. But equally you have a right to be happy too
Just my opinion - sorry if it offends anyone.

It's awful how OP is treated on this thread, I am horrified. She asked for opinions and she got it, but she got slated too. If she was a bad person she would have asked at all.
It always helps to tell the children beforehand and give them options, whether they want to be in your wedding, and thread accordingly.
It might be that they are not fussed, or perhaps you can have a pretend ceremony at the later party.
I know that my sons wouldn't be that fussed but maybe because they are boys.

You’re a total fucking Emma OP.

Just remember if he can be that dismissive with his kids now, what will he be like with yours if you split. Father of the year right there 🤦🏼‍♀️

@viques and @AE18 lovely idea to have simple ceremony in garden or similar, even if not a proper wedding

@terriblyshaken I think it's more the fact that I don't know how many hundreds of posters have said it's a terrible idea, she's not listened to any of them. And I think the father is being slated in his absence too.

As for those saying the children will feel left out - I disagree.

So long as you play down the "legal procedure" and say that the important bit is the Celebration at the Party which you want them to help you organise. The suggestions about reading your vows and promises might be liked by the children. They might want to come in like a bridal procession.... but let this be the bit they do their way and be the memorable day for them. The day when they joined families!

I went to a 10th wedding anniversary party that was simply lovely, where the wife and husband did a little speech each and a "first" dance, because when they married his parents were in another country and circumstances stopped them travelling. So they had a very small Register Office marriage with just their witnesses. They later had a dinner because many of their friends were moving away. The 10th anniversary came round all too soon (don't we all know it?!) and we had an afternoon and evening of truly lovely celebrating, with both the families and children by the sea, using a hall, with food and drink and in the evening fish and chips and the ice cream man!

This is just awful :(
I’m a step mum. I just married their father & they were so involved in our wedding as I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
I wouldn’t want to have more children with a man who wouldn’t want his own children at his wedding!
When you do have children you’ll look back at this and realise just how diabolical this is. I hope your children are never excluded in this way