When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

Maybe I'm in a minority of one but my Dp and his ex asked me to parent he kids when they were with me and I tried my best. Children take lessons from all the adults int heir lives and we all have a duty of care to do our best.

I haven't read all replies. But I thought I'd say we got married without telling our children. We have 3 children together and dh has 2 from a previous marriage.
I just didn't want them there. Children aren't usually at their parents wedding. We had a couple of people to witness and that was it. This was 2 years ago, at the time they were 16, 13 and 8. We told them that evening. I don't think they were particularly bothered. We had a big party the following summer that they enjoyed.

As a child my dad married his wife while on holiday abroad and didn't tell us. We actually found out from a cousin. I can't tell you how hurt we were and we were you get than your dsc.

Please tell them in plenty of time so they have time to process especially as they are not invited - if you are not inviting anyone then that will be easier to take.

My DD still hasn't gotten over the fact that her DF went and got married and she wasn't invited ( I even offered to pay for her to go and he refused) she absolutely hates her SM and will only refer to her as the stepwitch now. Safe to say she doesn't have a relationship with him anymore. Good luck to you, you're attitude is pretty appalling imo.

In all honesty you need to take them with you to prove he still loves them, the party won't mean a thing knowing you went away without them. If that's really not possible a vow renewal in the U.K. would be the next best thing - they need to participate

I think the children should be involved in the wedding for one, as surely your only going to make them feel like what their mother says is true.....

And also, why do you care what she thinks anyway? If she’s a trouble maker it doesn’t matter what you do she will find an issue with everything, the kids should have known before you booked it

@Whentotell123

Responding to this predicament generically as clearly we don't know all the facts, you never do in these threads but, assuming this is what the couple want then why shouldn't they?

Please spare me "the kids come first", well yes, of course they do but if this comes and the expense of your relationship and what you want for your special day then clearly that's not a strategy that will have a successful outcome.

Your wedding day is the one day that you both should get to do as you wish and I think if that's what you really, really want then do it but manage the fallout carefully.

You'll never be able to please someone else's children and ex-spouse all the time but putting yourself second all the time shouldn't be on the cards either.

I rarely respond to these threads as I simply don't have the time to entertain ridiculous responses / trolls so please, if you're thinking of doing so, save your energy.

For info I'm marrying a chap who has two children and yes, they're both coming to the wedding and yes both will be my bridesmaids. That's because that's what WE wanted, it wasn't imposed on us by his ex and nor was the need to reinforced by the Mumsnet police.

However you choose to proceed I wish you luck with your wedding, future marriage and your new extended family x

Dear me. Total hysteria as usual on any thread involving stepchildren.

Not every child is going to be bothered about a wedding. Not every child is going to be traumatised for life if a parent gets remarried. Someone upthread said that all blended families are different and that is so true. Only you can decide if it will cause major upset or not, and wether you want to live with that.

But, essentially, a marriage is between 2 people only. No-one except those two people need to be there, or approve, or give their blessing. Managed properly and with empathy you can get married alone and not upset the children. Just think it all through properly first.

I only invited my sisters to my wedding. I did not invite their husbands or their children. My nieces and nephews still love me, they couldn't care less that they weren't there. One of my sisters got married and left their 3 children with a grandparent, went to the register office, got married, had a meal and then went home and told the children the next morning. No-one was traumatised.

No wonder there are so many anxious and screwed up people in this world when there is such hysteria and drama around every event.

Emma , you might not want to parent your partners children, but you are already a significant adult in their lives. Your attitudes, demeanour, values,comments and behaviour will influence their development. And will also influence their attitude towards any children you might have with their dad. Your children will be their half siblings, will share half of their DNA, they will have a lifetime of negotiating relationships between each other. If you only have one child they will be that child's closest living relations when you die.

You really do need to start seeing the bigger picture. It is not one day when you are dressed in your dream dress. It is several lifetimes of days, yours, your partners, the children's. OK you want the big wedding and the photographs, we understand that, but please have a quick ceremony of sorts with the children first. Doesn't have to be fancy schmanzy , if you can't afford a registrars office then go and stand under a tree with the kids, say some made up vows and swap rings. Just involve them.

My XH didn’t tell my DC that he had married again. They met someone in the street who asked them if they liked their new SM. The replied that they hadn’t got a SM and were told that he had got married a week earlier. They were horrified and upset. They then had a bad relationship with his new wife and she’d no tears when she died. He invited them to wedding number three so hopefully he realised the error he had made with wife number two. I was upset for my DC that they were treated so callously. Apparently it hadn’t occurred to my XH to invite them! Just take the majority advice on here and tell them.

registry office only Hammersmith £46 on a saturday, same midweek
Kensington £225 in cheapest room

And it seems wierd that the wedding is free for that hotel if its not a wedding holiday - all paperwork/staff/etc onhand just by luck. seems more likely its a hotel set up specifically with an exotic wedding in mind

Where is it BTW Greek Island? Caribbean??

so you COULD, between now and when you go away, choose and find a cheap registry office wedding, allow you DSC to play a role, and then later go on your wedding honeymoon. If the wedding is just a freebie thrown in it wont really matter will it, after all its just a legal contract, not the important bit.

the kids get to be important in the wedding, you still get your holiday and you can save money on the party afterwards

Im also wondering how long you have been together

A lot depends on how the father is behaving towards his children. I have a son - I'm reluctant to even call him that because, frankly, he is the most obnoxious, selfish and horrible man. My other two sons are completely different so I don't think his behaviour reflects his upbringing. He is about to embark on his third marriage. He has three children to his second wife, now 15, 11 and 6. They live with his ex wife. She left him because of his excessive drinking and his controlling behaviour. His new partner also has two children from her first marriage aged 10 and 8. Up to now, this year, my son and partner have taken two holidays abroad with her children but not taken his. They did the same last year and me and my husband took the three of them down to Devon for a week or they wouldn't have had a holiday at all. We just can't afford to do it again this year so our three grandchildren won't have a holiday- again. Son and girlfriend have told his children they are going to get married and he won't be able to see so much of them because they won't be able to have a house big enough and he will be moving to where his partner currently lives which is quite a distance from where his kids live. My grandkids tell me that they don't care what he does. They're not bothered about his 'wedding'. Of course, they damn well are!! They're putting up barriers to his continually hurting them but believe me they are still hurt. Time will tell what, if any, long term impact this will have on them. It's not about putting the children first, it's about remembering he's actually got them.

Selfish! Your getting rid of the kids for a fresh start with your new family 😳

Hugely bad idea. If you didnt think the children would be bothered, why worry about telling them.

The whole idea smacks of division, them and us. Your future husband is just as bad and obviously enjoys the role of part time parent. Fit them in when theres nothing important happening.

It's been very selfishly thought out and the children haven't been considered at all.

Children aren't usually at their parents wedding.

Erm, yes they absolutely are. In my world (and 99% of the posters on this thread), children attend their parents wedding and it’s absolutely barmy not to include them.

I don’t know why you bothered posting OP, you’ve ignored all of the advice on here. You don’t seem to give a shit about the psychological impact this will have on his children at all. I have a strong feeling if you have children together, his existing children will disappear from your lives entirely. Poor kids.

The OP and her lovely husband sound like they suit each other down to the ground.

I hope you have the wedding of your dreams. Just you and him. The way you both want it.

You need to get used to it. Just being you and him. Because it doesn't sound like you are the type of people who are kind enough to have meaningful friendships/relationships.

Is it me the only one who sees the wedding as just the legal bit (that will happen abroad) but the big event will happen a couple of months later and everyone will be invited? How will the children know they actually got married, why not have two ceremonies?

@nokidshere neither of your examples are remotely similar. Your kids wouldn't have been dealing with one parent basically pushing them away.

All of MN : YABVVU

OP : "Kids are resilient"

Utterly self centred and selfish. Grim.

Oh dear that sounds a disaster out idea! I agree have them with you even if it means not abroad.

Not all of MN actually, quite a few of us agreeing with her and wishing her well.

@nokidshere neither of your examples are remotely similar. Your kids wouldn't have been dealing with one parent basically pushing them away.

And neither does getting married to a 2nd partner have to feel that way. Adults create these dramas, not children and, as I said in my post, managing it properly with empathy can (and should) result in everyone being ok about it.

That said, if they do actually have a mother who likes to stir things up, or they really don't like the new partner then the wedding is the very least of their problems.

Correction @chocolatesaltyballs22. There are about five of you - out of more than 500.

Tell them as soon as you can and if you can find a way for them to be at the wedding do it.

My dad and step mum told us AFTER the event. We didn't even get invited to the party. I remember feeling so left out especially as step siblings (who to be fair lived with them) went along to both wedding and party. I still feel resentful actually thinking about it right now at the grand old age of 43... don't set them up for a life time of resentment. Keep them informed and involve them as much as you can