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Original poster

When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

864 replies

Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 09:20

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

OP posts:
whatthehelldowecare · 22/08/2019 13:33

Every part of our ceremony, including the exchanging of rings, handfasting and vows all include my DSD, and the celebrant has been briefed that there should be nothing in the ceremony about just us two, or new beginnings etc.

I have made every single effort possible to make sure my DSD is in absolutely no doubt whatsoever that she is very much part of our family unit, her opinion matters and she can feel secure. She's been part of every decision re the wedding and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Different strokes for different folks I guess, but the absolute opposite attitude of the OP and other posters is absolutely alien to me. Can't get my head round it at all

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 22/08/2019 13:48

As someone who has conducted over a thousand marriage ceremonies, i.e. stood at the front and seen everybody's faces, I can tell you that these situations need very careful handling. Excluding your SC is an appalling way to go about things. Marriage isn't just about two people etc, it's about sending a powerful message to the world about your relationship. The message you are sending to your SC - I suspect quite deliberately - is that they will have little or no significance in your lives going forward. Your husband to be is foolish or nasty enough to be going along with it, shame on him.

The registry office fees you quote are certainly NOT the cheapest way of getting married there. Not that that should be a consideration in this instance.

As for claiming it's booked now and you can't do anything, make that you WON'T do anything.

If I'm totally honest, a wedding between two such selfish, inconsiderate people is probably not going to thrive or last. On the plus side, you will at least know the sort of treatment to expect towards you and your child in the future from your 'D'H.

Original poster
Whentotell123 · 22/08/2019 14:09

For everyone saying 'You have children' let me get one thing clear, I do not have children. My DP has children. I will happily be part of their life but I am not looking to be anymore than their Dads partner.

They already have a mum and a Dad who are doing a pretty good job of raising them. I am simply another person in their lives that love them but they are not my children.

I think it's pointless replying as everyone has condemned me to hell. The kids will be fine, I'm sure they won't need therapy for their Dad going on holiday and marry his partner.

Classic Emma is signing off :-)

OP posts:
DuchessOfDukeStreet · 22/08/2019 14:16

OP, please just stop and think about this. You don't have to do a U-turn to satisfy the vipers but don't entrench yourself out of stubbornness either.

There are lots of stepmothers here (including myself), lots of stepchildren who have and haven't been included in weddings, and 98% are saying the same thing - this could have a massive and lasting impact on your relationship with these children. Read the responses as if they were addressed to a friend of yours, not you - they're coming from experience.

walkintheparc · 22/08/2019 14:19

For everyone saying 'You have children' let me get one thing clear, I do not have children. My DP has children. I will happily be part of their life but I am not looking to be anymore than their Dads partner.

Yep she said it! You're not looking to create a family environment for them and you've made that very clear by excluding them from the wedding.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/08/2019 14:19

everyone has condemned me to hell tbf he's the one at fault. He should have said at the first discussion of excluding his children

Ginger1982 · 22/08/2019 14:22

@Whentotell123 your last comment says it all about your relationship with these kids to be honest. Certainly doing things this way means you will only ever be their dad's partner but you seem to want it that way so crack on 👍🏻

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/08/2019 14:24

yep she said it! You're not looking to create a family environment for them and you've made that very clear by excluding them from the wedding

funny because if op had said she was marrying their dad and wanting to be an active step mum who parents them just like a mother would she'd be ripped to shit for being "too involved" and stepping on toes.

I don't think theres anything wrong with just wanting to be dads wife, tbh.

ElizaPancakes · 22/08/2019 14:27

For everyone saying 'You have children' let me get one thing clear, I do not have children. My DP has children. I will happily be part of their life but I am not looking to be anymore than their Dads partner

And who cares about the psychological implications for children who are being deliberately excluded when they’re not even yours, right?

You sound absolutely callous, those children are going to grow up at best resenting you completely as you make it more and more clear that yours and your husband to be come above any of their needs let alone wants. Because as a pp said, if your DP was genuinely certain they wouldn’t want to go, he’d invite them anyway secure that plans wouldn’t have to change. But like a lot of NR parents, he’s casually making sure his version fits what he wants.

As I said before, when you have your own baby you might get it.

ElizaPancakes · 22/08/2019 14:29

@Bonjourfreddie it’s not as black and white though is it? Children need guidance and support and love even if you’re not their parent. There’s a balance between trying to be a substitute mum and being the person their dad is with.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/08/2019 14:31

eliza well it is, you either want to parent them or you don't.

I dont think marrying a man with kids mean you should parent them. Being a friendly adult is fine, imo.

You dont have to be a parent to offer guidance, support or love.

I love my friends kids but I dont want to parent them. I love my younger brother but I dont want to parent him either.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 22/08/2019 14:42

Bloody hell I can't believe you lot are still ripping into this poor woman. I am with her when she said that when she marries her partner it doesn't automatically make her a parent to his kids. They already have two parents. When I married my husband I didn't immediately try to parent my stepkids - it's not my job. They have a mum and a dad to do that. Yes I am part of their lives but they do not see me as a parent.

Enjoy your wedding OP, I hope it's lovely.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/08/2019 14:45

I agree chocolate

I am not dss parent nor do I want to be. I did end up parenting him for a long time whilst he lived with us, but it was out of necessity rather than choice and was never my intention and I don't parent him now he's moved back out. I wont parent him when me and his dad get married either.

RunawayLove · 22/08/2019 16:04

I didn’t say you don’t love her, I’m in no doubt you do. But it’s clear from your posts you don’t care about her feelings, just yours.

Your not making sense. You cannot truly love someone without caring for them and their feelings - that is part of love. Therefore, you saying that AE doesn't 'give a fuck' about her children's feelings does imply she doesn't love them. "Oh you love her you just don't care about her feelings" makes fuck all sense.

Celeriacacaca · 22/08/2019 16:24

You are excluding the children from what, to them, is a very big and exciting event - a wedding, and, more importantly, their dad's wedding.

They should be at the heart of this event and you are showing them they are not important enough to be there for it. I think it's really mean and will have implications for your future with them. Don't kid yourself that not disrupting their weekend routines etc is a good enough reason to exclude them, which is what you're doing.

supadupapupascupa · 22/08/2019 16:39

My mum remarried twice and didn't invite us four children. I will never forgive her

Drogonssmile · 22/08/2019 16:47

I was 9 when my Dad did just this. I'm now 37 I've just finished a course of psychotherapy for the impact this and other things had that wrecked my self esteem and relationship with my Dad. I've been on anti depressants my entire adult life.

Don't really know why you're asking; you will get your own way by the sounds of it. Poor kids.

Waveysnail · 22/08/2019 16:56

Havnt read the billions of pages but um guessing this is your ideal wedding and its screw the kids. Tbh I dont know how their dad could do that to his children.

Dorsetcamping · 22/08/2019 16:57

My DF did exactly the same thing (I was 12). Sadly this was the death knell in our relationship and I never had contact with him againSad

msmith501 · 22/08/2019 17:10

Sadly OP your attitude may likely backfire on your relationship with your SC. Yes they have two biological parents but the role of being a step parent is a real privilege in my experience. If hiding under a rock in the face of advice is helpful then I'm glad you posted and that we could help. If you actually give a damn, however small, then you need a kick up the ass. Full stop. You. Do. Not. Mess. With. Children. .... and if you do them you will reap what you sow!! And I'm normally a conciliatory poster as anyone who reads my posts will confirm. It's not often I come across someone so blindly missing the obvious - hopefully it's accidental and you aren't actually that dim.

Dorsetcamping · 22/08/2019 17:14

And what a spectacularly lame excuse that it MUST be on the day of your anniversary. Most convenient way to exclude your DP's DCs (at your insistence you will be nothing more than their father's spouse so I won't deign to call you their SM)

How old are you - 16?

Can't help but wonder if you had DC from a previous relationship would you be just as willing to leave them out? Hmm

Alsohuman · 22/08/2019 17:15

I don’t parent my stepchildren and never have. However, my stepdaughter has never failed to send me a card for “someone special” on Mothers’ Day and they all remember (unprompted) my birthday. Had they been excluded from our wedding, I very much doubt that would happen.

I’m sorry to say that this is not only going to come back and bite you, Emma, but it will impact on their relationship with the baby that’s on the cards. I strongly suspect that those three kids will be making your life difficult for a long time to come and you’ll wish you’d listened to the collective wisdom of MN.

pumkinspicetime · 22/08/2019 17:18

I don't think your role is to parent these DC either. But I do think that as a DP your role should be to say to your soon to be husband, "I'm wondering if we should rethink getting married without your DC ? A lot of DC are very hurt when parents do this, if not at the time later and I don't want you to do anything avoidable that is going to damage your relationship with your DC "

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 22/08/2019 17:23

I’m sorry to say that this is not only going to come back and bite you, Emma, but it will impact on their relationship with the baby that’s on the cards. I strongly suspect that those three kids will be making your life difficult for a long time to come and you’ll wish you’d listened to the collective wisdom of MN

I doubt she will care the little step brats will be out of their lives and her little prince or princess can be front and centre.

Lamaitresse · 22/08/2019 17:28

I don’t have much time to write, but my dh was in your dsc’s position many years ago, when his mum disappeared abroad and came back married. To this day I don’t think he understands why they did it & he would have loved to have been involved.

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