When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

I’ve been trying hard to avoid saying that. Glad someone else did.

Seconded.

Where the hell did you get that impression from? Jesus Christ people on here are so quick to say that.

I was literally just saying that a couple who aren't at all bothered by a big family ceremony, who maybe even don't like or enjoy parties, and who just want a private moment on a beach with their partner to appreciate the vows they're making in their own head space, aren't inherently terrible people just because some of the many people they love but don't need there with them for that moment are children.

Some people don't like weddings.

Of course I love my daughter. Jeez.

I didn’t say you don’t love her, I’m in no doubt you do. But it’s clear from your posts you don’t care about her feelings, just yours.

And I explicitly just said that the children's feelings are a good enough reason to include them, ie - I care about their feelings. Total eye roll at this point this thread 🙄

I care about her feelings, I just respect that adults can have a different, private view of things coming from a more practical perspective without being unfeeling monsters.

That I don't care about my own daughter's feelings is such an irrational way of interpreting that.

Christ people like to stir the pot on here.

Something that makes a difference to a child’s entire life is a big deal where you have to consider their feelings though. It’s not inviting them to a date night dinner.

The more you post, the more I wonder if this isn't a calculated move.
By leaving them out, now knowing how damaging it may be, you ensure that YOU and YOUR potential child are front and centre always. No decent parent would do this.

If you want to have children with such a shit father, good luck to you

You're not just marrying your partner, you're marrying into his family (your partner and his kids). They should be at the wedding and be a big part if it, your ceremony should be about you all as a family unit and committing to one another. You are swept up in the idea of a romantic wedding but you are not considering the children's feelings or how they will feel in the future being excluded from such an immense family event that really should be about them also. You could change your plans, as you are not a childless couple, you have parental responsibility whether you like it or not, the wedding is not just about you and your partner. Go away for the weekend with just the kids and get married, make it a surprise and have your honeymoon later. You need to start thinking as a family not as a couple. Also if you were to take the kids on the wedding holiday you had already booked, their schools will allow them to take time off school for such a special occasion. Whatever you decide, I hope you have a wonderful wedding and future and congratulations.

Something that makes a difference to a child’s entire life is a big deal where you have to consider their feelings though. It’s not inviting them to a date night dinner

How exactly does their father getting married change the children's entire lives? Lives will surely be exactly the same except the parents are married.

you don't fancy paying for the bland experience of standing in a registry office so that other people get to say they were officially there for your totally unromantic document signing, then you shouldn't have to. Right? I've never wanted to get married in a registry office.

OP, can I join the chorus of ‘this is absolutely awful’?
Please don’t do this to these poor kids. Take them with you. Show them that they’re loved and wanted, take them to your exotic location wedding and have the holiday all together?
If you get married without them, it will damage your DP’s relationship with them forever but most import it will hurt his children beyond belief.

I’d just tread extremely carefully here op.

You are marrying a man who has a lot of baggage. You are possibly being sucked in a bit (sorry I don’t mean to be rude or patronising) because as the thread shows, very very few people would consider getting married abroad without their dcs of those ages. Yet this man happily suggested it and justified it on cost grounds. To me, that is callous. If the wedding for the kids is too expensive, many would sacrifice the honeymoon in order to get the kids at their wedding. You are marrying that family op and it takes two to tango. You cannot realistically blame the kids’ mother for all problems. You must be able to see that logically that can’t be the case. If she is such a difficult woman, whatever was he playing at have three kids with her? Like I said, it takes two.

My own father gave me one week notice before his wedding to my SM. Now, I was an adult in a new job and the wedding necessitated getting a day off. I did get the day off because my manager’s parents had got divorced and she was sympathetic to all the shit that comes with a divorce involving family. (I know your dp isn’t married but it makes no difference once you have got so far down the line as to have 3 dc). Point is, it was a shitty thing to do to me and my siblings and signified to us that he gave no shits whether or not we attended. Guess what state our relationships with our father are in now?!

I think you are naive. I’m sorry. You have plans for a wedding and a baby with someone who sounds rather selfish and who has already walked out on three kids and partner. It’s a difficult situation and you need to be sure this man is absolutely 110% Mr Perfect/Mr Right because you are taking on a big steaming pile of shit along with him. And I don’t mean the kids, I mean the situation.

OP if you had asked about having a quiet wedding, just you and your dp because you don't want all the fancy or family stuff it would be fine BUT you mentioned dsc which means you are incredibly unreasonable and probably the devil incarnate. Its your wedding, do what you want!

Even if your fiancé is correct and his children won’t be upset at not seeing him marry you - children’s viewpoints, memories and feelings change over time. This episode could easily become one more thing for them to feel hard done by about - and rightly so. Neither of you are considering them at all.

I’m a stepmother. You’re getting married, but becoming a family, where everyone feels that way, takes a long time. Years, not months. And eve then, sometimes it doesn’t work. You’re running a huge risk of setting things off on the wrong note.

You’ve had 600+ posts telling you what a mistake this is. I’ll appeal to your selfish nature: you will definitely be blamed for this decision at some point. Imagine being expected to believe that Daddy left you out, rather than believing that this other person did? Especially if they’re aware their mum isn’t a fan? You’re the easier target. It will hurt them too much to admit to themselves that it was Daddy’s doing. They may not ever tell a soul - but they will believe this was your fault, and treat you accordingly.

You’re about to embark on years of bending over backwards to accommodate his children, his ex, his own limitations of having to coparent with someone he may not like much - your ‘children are resilient’ comment is just so naive. Even if you turn out to be the best stepmother in the world, sometimes the kids just won’t be on board and can make life very, very difficult. The failure rate of second marriages is very high. It would be extremely unwise to hand over this particular stick to be beaten with, by either the kids at some future date, or their mum.

Take the long view. Get married on an INSET day. If they’re not bothered, worst case scenario is that they yawn through the registry ceremony and you’ve ‘wasted’ £600. Best case scenario, your SKs feel included, know they were there at the literal start of this new family unit, and your husband will respect you for taking a firm stand in favor of his kids’ feelings.

If considering the feelings of children isn’t your bag, then think of yourself - odds are you’ll pay dearly for this terrible decision, if you go ahead with it.

I'm not going to post the link to my registry office as that might give away too much information (like DSC Mum is on here)

So OP you are Emma then, or am I reading the like DSC mum is part wrong?

I don't think you are doing anything wrong OP and you seem to be getting flamed here.
Tell them afterwards. Just tell them you are going away for a few days. Downplay it and make a big big fuss over the UK party.

Really sad for the children, I think they will be very hurt by this and it will take a long long time for that hurt to heal.

Your partner is a selfish prick and you are at best a gullible fool if you have children with him when you have been shown how little he cares for the ones he has.

So for contrast, As a step parent of many years, we decided to get married in Cyprus about 14 years ago. Rather than embrace the opportunity to even chance messing with the kids emotions (3 step children for me), we booked a villa for two weeks, cut down on the wedding costs hugely and had basically a two week holiday with the step children, with a one day wedding thrown in the middle - in which they were very much the centre of attention (we DHL'd two sets of bridesmaid style dresses over for the girls 5 and 7, and a boys "wedding suit" from Moss Bros for the 9 year old) - the kids were beyond delighted and they made the day and the whole wedding perfect. We have memories that are so positive - why take the risk OP and specifically, why start married life in such a negative way? Poor parenting in my opinion (and yes I know you haven't asked for my opinion but it's freely given, unlike the love for your SC).

AE18 ignore the vitriol.

@ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

Oh OP, you sound more like a gullible fool than a hard nosed Emma bitch. You're marrying a man who thinks so little of his existing children and has convinced you to feel the same. He will then have more children with you before possibly fucking off and leaving your children out while he shacks up with the next woman. And then be wondering why you're making such a fuss as you went along with it the first time.
Yes,I'm a step mum. Yes, I included my step children in my wedding. Yes, I was a step child when I was young. And yes, all that did happen in my childhood.
Good luck.

"I honestly don't see how this should impact them though."

Why ask the question then?- looks like you're just seeking validation for a choice you aren't quite sure you should have made.

I think you possibly expected more people to comment how terrible their mum is for putting negative thoughts about you/wedding in their heads so that you can feel justified in your decision.

Children are very resilient. They certainly can be particularly when supported by a reliable. consistent, loving family network.

They can also be very fragile and vulnerable and very good at developing defence mechanisms to cover up their hurt and pain. My mum remarried when I was 3 and her new husband was a loving, supportive stepdad (and eventually my adoptive dad). I loved him dearly and miss him terribly. But that doesn’t undo the damage caused by losing contact with my original dad and also feeling excluded from mum and dad’s very loving but exclusive relationship, however I never showed that to my parents, partly because I didn’t want to hurt them and also because I wanted them to approve of me and love me. It took years of therapy in my fifties to come to terms with the isolation and rejection of my early years.

You have a chance to do the right thing by your SC OP. If your husband won’t do it for them he’s not going to do it for you and your further children either.