When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

For all those saying the cost of a registry office wedding is not as stared by the OP, I've just checked prices at my local registry office. The picture shows the current prices for the cheapest room at the registry office and does show the cost is actually similar to OP's estimate for a weekend wedding. And that cost does not include the certificate or 'notice to marry' fees, it is literally the use of the room and registrar. That said, our registry office is beautiful and of it were not the registry office, I am sure it would still be a popular wedding venue because it's such a lovely building set in it's own gardens.

However, that's as far as my support for OP goes. I think excluding the children is awful and lying to them is just as bad. Despite the cost of a registry office wedding, I think you should go that route and, if necessary, delay your honeymoon until you can afford it. You will end up paying a far higher price if you go ahead with your current plan.

@BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil I think the point is they have willingly spent however much on the wedding abroad (I’d hazard a guess it’s 1k+) but are balking over spending £600 on a wedding that would include his children.

They don’t want the children there, no denying it. It’s as if he wants to remarry, have another child and forget they exist.

@Maybe83 - you can be a family without being married. For us apart from the legal side of things I just don't see how it changes anything. Nothing is different for SD, we are still together, live together,spend time as a family, jointly own our home etc. Being married doesn't change that.

@Whentotell123
I'd be interested to know from the responses how many are SM? I have a feeling some responses may be the typical MN users.

When you say 'typical MN users', do you mean people who actually care about their dc and dsc feelings? Because, IME, I would say that most MN users fit that description. There are some who clearly don't and often, but not always, they are SM ,though they are in the minority. But I guess you'll listen to their opinion because it chimes with yours and then, in a few years time you'll be back wondering why your step-children don't like you and exclude you from their life events.
You may not be Emma, but it sounds as though you would like to be!

Those making a big deal out of him missing contact time. Have you seriously never gone on holiday without them then? We've missed contact times to go on holiday without SD but then equally we've had extra contact times to go on holiday all together. It's not a big deal for SD and in some families it's really not.

Like I've already said, SD is invited to ours because we chose to invite people but if we'd chosen not to invite anyone at all then we'd really not see it as a big deal. As for DC just expecting to be bridesmaids, where does that even come from other than the adults around them putting ideas in their head. A simple explanation of "not everyone has a big white wedding..." should suffice.

@bananasandwicheveryday. You can get married there for £300 on a weekday. Far from backing OP up, you’ve proved her wrong. It costs £300 here too.

@SarahH12
Of course you can still be a family. But by the time you've sorted out the legal ram8fications of who owns what, who gets the pension and who is NoK you might as well have got married. Far simpler.

PS. Don't think the OP is coming back...

I’m a SM. I would never get married without my DSD (who is, unlike your stepchildren, secure in the knowledge she is loved and appreciated by both her families).

There are so many points pp have mentioned, and a couple I have of my own to make, but as you said you weren’t really asking about whether sc should attend or not. I just wanted to add to the majority in the hopes you will have a good think about the effects of you and DPs plan.

Oh no those poor children.

OP is prioritising her holiday over them, that much is clear. I can only hope she doesn't go on to have DCs with this man when he does this to his existing ones. This is genuinely one of the most selfish and cruel threads I've seen on MN in a while. You already know the DCs are feeling displaced and insecure and you do this? Well fuck me are you horrible.

I've also delighted in the details of a "free" Sandals tacky fest. I only heard about it when we were invited by an ex work colleague of DH's to his wedding, which largely involved expecting us to pay thousands of pounds to stay at least 3 nights. We took great delight in trying to decide what we were being invited to spend £££'s on for them to get. We think they were angling for the "firepit party with sweets and wine" and free room upgrade. In reality, their (limited number of!) guests spending 10s of thousands of pounds on rooms only got them some tiki torches.

In fact, the petty bitch in me reaaalllyy hopes the OP is going on a free Sandals wedding. Because being free, they only include the "preparation" of paperwork and not the licence. The arrangement of which cost DH's colleague far more than £600. (Unless you stay for 7 nights or more, then you can get a voucher for "up to" $500" for this thrown in ).
It'd probably be cheaper to do the registry office at home, the paperwork has to be done within 3 months of the wedding so that won't be paid for yet.

Just admit you don't want them there!

@Nanny0gg I agree it is far simpler (which is why we're getting married). But I don't think anything changes from SD's point of view nor do I subscribe to the idea that I'm marrying her too. I'm not. I'm marrying her Dad. We are already a family, I already care for her, do bedtime stories, feed her, have fun with her, help with homework, bathtimes etc. Nothing changes for her when we get married. I don't suddenly get parental responsibility nor will I suddenly stop doing anything I already currently do. I just don't think it's that big of a deal or changes anything for SD or in the day to day relationship with stbDH

@Nanny0gg PS. Don't think the OP is coming back...

I expect she's prioritising the cancellation of her holiday + "free" destination wedding booking. 😐

I thought I'd pop back as there have been so many replies.

Let me start again, when DP and I spoke about wedding plans we both agreed we didn't want the traditional wedding with everyone there, sit down dinner etc etc. We were perfectly happy to marry in the local registry office however they did not have our specific date available.

You can call me selfish but we have a specific date for our wedding, our anniversary which falls on a Saturday so no there was no option to book the wedding at the registry office.

We thought for ease we would simply round the wedding and honeymoon up into one and have a party for all our friends and family back home when we return.

My DP and I have never been married before so everyone saying he will be onto his third marriage are wrong. He was with his ex for 15 years but they never got married. My understanding was they wanted the kids and wasn't fussed about marriage.

My DP is a great Father. He spends every opportunity with his kids. He supports them and will be there fore them regardless of anything.

DP knows his kids and he knows they won't bat an eyelid at not being at a wedding. The reason for this is he knows whether we're married or not it won't impact the relationship he and I have with the kids.

I don't really care less what you think of my and DP. We have made the decision to marry abroad. Yes we could have done a registry office wedding with the kids (who may or may not have come depending on what their Mum said) but we decided to do what we want to do.

Oh and seeing as everyone is so desperate to know we paid a lot of money for the wedding. Way more than £600 because it includes our honeymoon.

If he knows then so well, get him to decide when to tell them. I'm not sure why you posted if you don't care what anyone thinks.

How can their mum be so cruel? Were you the OW or does she just have issues?

There will be a registry office somewhere with a free slot on that date

It's not just "a" wedding, it's their Dads wedding and yes it absolutely changes the family dynamics. For one, he's taking a step with you he never took with their mum. And he's doing so without them. All feels a bit "onwards and upwards".

Yes, you are very selfish. Good luck, you'll need it. And remember it when they don't invite you to their weddings

Agreed let him tell them. You wasted your time posting. You are not open to any discussion and even the fact that the kids may think he loves you more than them hasnt registered enough for either of you to think actually they might be a bit upset by this. So crack on have your wedding, have your baby and don't moan when he relationship with his other kids breaks down. And especially don't moan if you split up and his relationship with your kids breaks down.
Selfish selfish selfish

And dont for 1 minute it wont enter at least the older ones head that he never loved their Mum enough to marry her, yet he loves you so much he is marrying you, but doesn't love his kids enough to have them there.

Missed a think out there.

@HotChocolateLover I've never been the OW. They broke up and she was with someone new within months so if anyone has someone on the side it was likely her.

Oh meow!

Put those claws away, anyone would think you were bitter.

Superb job of ignoring all the points made, heartfelt advice given and glossing over the fact you made excuses about holidays and hobbies before saying ‘he knows his kids’.

Yes. Selfish.

@sweeneytoddsrazor You're right. He may not have loved her that much however he made an even bigger commitment to her by having three beautiful children. Sadly though the kids might not see that logic until they are older.

I'm not trying to be some evil step mother her, I love them all dearly but I know we have zero influence over them. They are with Mum most of the time and she is very powerful in their eyes. Sadly instead of empowering them to be strong children, she is manipulating them into feeling weak and torn between their parents.

They split up many years ago (way before I came along) but the dynamics have always been the same. Daddy is evil for leaving Mum (but of course he had his reasons) and Mum will always be the victim despite shaking up with a new man within weeks of splitting.

We have accepted the fact that we can't influence them. All we can do is when we see them provide them love, support and happiness.

To all PP's saying that nothing will change when they're married.... While in reality that might very well be the case, it is highly unlikely those poor children will see it like that.

It's a massive deal, just the biggest commitment you can ever made and they would be very entitled to feel hurt by their insignificance in the whole situation, even if they don't seem to bat an eyelid.

Stop being so cruel and heartless and think yourself bloody lucky that in finding your husband you've also found a whole family to share your life with. Embrace it and make the most of it. Don't treat innocent children like dirt on your shoe.

@BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil I've got nothing to be bitter about. I admit I am selfish for wanting to marry on our anniversary. I did the right thing by checking with DP whether us marrying abroad would be ok and he reassured me multiple times that it will be completely fine.

We have booked and have paid for our wedding so regardless of the advice (which is not what I had originally asked for) I won't be losing that money.