When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

Classic Emma

@AE18

His kids are not just anybody. They are his kids and he clearly doesn’t give a shit about including them as it was his idea.

He shouldn’t be having anymore kids if he can’t even include his first.

Just had a look at that Sandals site. God, those “free” weddings are grim.

I doubt the OP will be back given the resounding hell to the yes, you are being unreasonable response.

Someone I know got married without the DHs three children (similar ages to OPs SCs). They chose not to invite them. Plenty of other children were at the wedding I believe.

He's hardly seen them since. It's been over 20 years..

@Nothingcomesforfree I thought the February thing was odd and I think possibly it's being left that long so they can say it's too late to change it

@SoLost101

No they are not just anybody, neither are either of their parents, siblings, maybe long term best friends...

The point is they personally do not feel the need to be surrounded by any of their other loved ones to formalise their love for one another. It may be traditional (in recent decades and some cultures) to do things this way, but it isn't a requirement, I'm just standing up for people who might shockingly want a private wedding AND love their kids, because people have been very inflammatory about people making that choice for themselves.

@Whentotell123 Step-mum here 🙋🏼‍♀️ I do think you and your DP ABVU.

I got married to DH a couple of years ago and there's no way DSD wouldn't have been there - my opinion is that when there's already children involved then marriage is a joining of the whole family, not just the two getting married. You're essentially joining the family (him and his children) that he's already got.

Even if the children say they aren't bothered I could imagine it would cause a huge rift in the long run. Seriously, do the registry office bit here with them as your witnesses, then renew your vows as part of the package abroad.

My exh did exactly this last year. Went to Oz to get married, worse still on Dd 15th Birthday. I know they were incredibly hurt especially Dd.

In contrast I'm getting married in the new year. Our dc are sharing our special day not being excluded. You're batshit crazy to think they won't be bothered!

Do you have a child with this man already OP, or are you pregnant?

My dad did this to me at 17. Had a phone call one Saturday afternoon to say he and his partner had got married. I honestly didn't know what to say. He said he wore his jeans and they had two random witnesses who turned out to be my aunt and uncle. It was really really hurtful. I know he didn't want a big fuss but excluding your closest family is just awful. I'd definitely consider taking the children.

I doubt the OP is still reading but ....My father did this when I was 10. He phoned my grandmother to tell her he had got married the week before and then asked her to tell me. I don’t think my relationship with him ever recovered. It certainly set the tone for my relationship with my step mother. It just seemed like a massive rejection to not want me there and I can still remember how that felt decades later.

I think in this situation you are marrying the man and his DC.

I would change it to marry in a (cheaper) registry office and then go on the holiday.

Classic Emma!

I totally understand why OP would want a wedding without her SC present. She’s marrying their father, not them.

Mine were at my wedding. They both tried and failed to spoil it in their own way. Selfish, spoiled brats the pair of them.

Just wanted to add, you are making a massive mistake OP but I'm judging your fiance, not you. I think before you have DC you can be flippant about these things but he's their father and should be prioritising them.

My DM got married to DSF when I was under 10, it was a tiny registry office ceremony. Me and Dsis weren't invited, we went to school as normal. It didn't bother me at the time and it doesn't bother me now many years later. I'd be upfront with your DSC, let them help plan the party if they're interested but be prepared for the fact that they might not be interested at all. Like your DSC, i was used to my separated parents (mostly DF as DM was skint) doing trips without us, and just accepted it as "the norm" when DM and DSF went on a brief honeymoon alone (but after DF's new children came along, they were taken on every holiday and we were never included again which was very shitty but I'm not projecting that you would do that, please don't though!).

@Myfeetarekillingme everyone's situation is different, but what a horrible horrible attitude. I couldn't imagine my life without my DSD now, never mind my wedding. It's people like you that give all us decent step parents humans a bad name!

I was in the same situation as you. I am a SM and have 2 DSC (11 & 13). I met my DH in Jan 2016 and official met his kids in May 2016. We hit it off instantly and had a great relationship. My DSC mom is very difficult and told them all kinds of rubbish stuff exactly like your DSC's mom. My DH was hesitant too and we decided that we should go ahead and marry without them. It was very heartbreaking as we both missed them dearly but didn't want to push them into something they were not mentally ready especially when their mom was feeding them all kinds of garbage about their dad having a new partner and how cruel step moms can be.
We never told them until Aug 2018. We went to a different city and have a beautiful photo shoot and a small wedding in a chapel where my DH and I re-did our vows just for them. It was beautiful. We later told them about our first wedding and showed them the pictures. they were happy. It is important that you determine how they feel about you and the wedding. For us, we knew our kids were not ready so we waited and it was the right decision.

Oh OP. Sorry but as someone about to gain a SC and having been one, when they already feel worried he loves them less I really think you need to think about including them on the day, even if it’s only them and no one else. I know it’s your wedding and you want it to be about the two of you, and it’s your day, but your making a rod for your own back. It’s not quite the same but a friend of mine’s dad got married without telling them and their siblings, they were 13 at the time, and while they have a relationship that has been a huge, huge sticking point.

My parents divorced and mother got remarried. Didn’t tell me about the wedding- didn’t even realise it was happening till the wedding photos were on Facebook the day after.

We don’t have contact any more and quite frankly don’t think we ever will again (although granted this wasn’t solely because of the wedding)

Top and Bottom of it is your step children will be hurt at being excluded despite the fact your intentions were good

@Whentotell123 a quick ceremony at the registry office won't cost £600.

We had our simple ceremony with our kids in the registrars office and it cost £78

Mine were at my wedding. They both tried and failed to spoil it in their own way. Selfish, spoiled brats the pair of them.

I always find comments like this so strange. How can you marry a man when you don’t like his children? He’s the dickhead who made them like that?! And on the other side I don’t know how anyone could marry someone who disliked my children. I really don’t get it.

No they are not just anybody, neither are either of their parents, siblings, maybe long term best friends...

Hmm...a) your children, b) your parents, c) your siblings, d) your best friends. One of these is not like the other.

It's a tricky one, but I'll go with a) your children. All of the others may have strong connections with you, along with equally strong opinions about your wedding, but they're also adults with fully-formed personalities, were not created by you, are not dependent on you, and have a complex network of other adult-to-adult relationships. You're not one of the main influences on their emotional equilibrium, and they won't model their future relationship expectations on your behaviour. If they feel rejected, they might be pissed off or hurt, but they will be able to articulate this and complain about your behaviour, and it's unlikely to have any fundamental effect on their sense of security or self-worth.

Even grown-up children feel (rightfully) upset at being excluded from their parent's wedding, even though they're old enough to nod along to the bullshit rationalisation about it being 'just for the two of us', not a big deal, a carefree jaunt -- as if making a lifelong legal and social commitment to someone is like popping to Paris for the weekend.

So, no: excluding your own kids from your wedding is not just a slightly more extreme version of not inviting Great Auntie Muriel. Pandering to your own children would be holding the ceremony at Peppa Pig World. Inviting your children is the most basic thing ever.

@TheGreatestCape

I agree that children might have a harder time processing it, which is a big reason to include them, but I also think that from the parent getting married's point of view (not the child's), it is not necessarily fundamentally more important for your children to be there than say, your parents.

I would want both my daughter and my parents to be there equally, possibly if anything my parents more so, because I was created by THEM making them equally important to me in terms of who I want around me for that event. So I do think that in the context of this being a couple who are equally happy to marry without people such as their parents (assuming they are still around) present, it is not shocking that they could personally cope with not having their children there, as many have suggested through comments like "how could you marry someone who didn't want his kids there."

But yes, how the kids might react is reason enough to consider including them anyway. But I was more commenting on people saying he is an awful person simply for being comfortable having a ceremony without them being there, for his own enjoyment of the event.

How they might feel about it is a separate issue.

AE18 We do get it. You don’t give a fuck about your children’s feelings. We hear you.