When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

@Alsohuman

How have I patronised you? Yes children are allowed to be self absorbed. It's the adults saying it that concern me.

“That’s nice for you” isn’t patronising? In case you haven’t noticed this thread is about small children, not adults.

@Alsohuman

And just because children have a tendency to be self absorbed and we are understanding of it due to their age doesn't mean I think it should always be pandered to.

Just like when a child sulks at another child's birthday party that the presents aren't for them and the games don't revolve around them. They do need to be encouraged not to be self absorbed.

@Alsohuman

It wasn't meant in a patronising manner, no, I genuinely believe that is nice for you, it just wasn't my point.

And if you recall, you replied to my comment, not the other way around. My comment was in response to adults losing their minds over a couple not thinking their wedding was all about the kids/step kids. I have no judgment against the kids themselves that are still in their selfish phase not immediately understanding, but I don't think there is anything wrong with explaining to them that it is not their day, either.

Like I said, it's the adult attitudes expressed on this thread I think are excessive and self absorbed.

Surely to avoid these feelings you would have included them and made them feel special on the day!
Excluding them will only back up what their mother is saying in their eyes, I'm afraid.

Not being all about the stepkids is a fair distance from not inviting them.

"Another baby is on the cards."

How nice and presumptuous for/of you.

I don't believe it costs £600, London or not and you could clearly afford that and a less flashy honeymoon if you really wanted to but clearly you don't.

I feel sorry for your SC being ousted like this (despite all your backtracking on how they won't want to come) and your DP is a pretty shit father to do this.

AE18 it’s not about maryting yourself or not having time without children.It’s about having respect for your children’s feelings. They are kids without any experience of weddings or relationships. All they want is support and love which frankly making plans that will affect them without including them is quite the opposite.

No one is saying you can’t have an actual ceremony wedding alone. But everyone is saying that not involving them until it’s a done deal is wrong.At least give them an opportunity to say what they feel. They might not give a rats arse, in which case great...but I bet they’d care more if they feel deliberately left out.

Tell them now. See how they feel. They might be fine with going to the party afterwards if you put it to them. They will be less happy if they think their dad and Op have it all planned out without them.

Missing point spectacularly, but I am now obsessed with the minutae of a free Sandals wedding. Only $5 extra per chair cap! $2 per napkin ring! And if you have five guests book rooms, you also get a sangria bar and tiki torches!

OP, you're not coming back, but I echo the general sentiment of the others. If the kids are already worried about not being part of their father's new life, then this is only going to reinforce that. Their father sounds remarkably thoughtless about his own children's feelings. That would give me pause. One of the things that most attracted me to my husband was his loyalty to and love of his family (siblings, not kids; he didn't have any of the latter). I had dated plenty of smart, funny, gorgeous men, but I hadn't dated one who was all those things but also steadfast and loyal. It sealed the deal for me: it boded well for the family I wanted to build with him. If he had suggested leaving his emotionally vulnerable kids out of a major life event because he didn't want to spend £400...I don't think I would have trusted him with the emotional wellbeing of our future kids.

In other words, don't be an Emma. (And he shouldn't be a...Greg?)

@Nothingcomesforfree

I completely agree, I would 100% tell them now and also explain that people have all kinds of weddings and we aren't fussed about having a big ceremony so we're just going to do it quickly and quietly while we're away, but the party is our big celebration and we're looking forward to sharing it with them.

OP's wedding is not about her stepkids, it's about her and her OH

No. Not when you've already had children. The above is all very lovely when there's just the two of you to think about. After that you have to think about the effect it will have on them. They didn't choose for their parents to split up and to move onto other people.

@Alsohuman

Not being all about the stepkids is a fair distance from not inviting them.

Well yes, but in a scenario where they have chosen to marry abroad and with no guests at all (presumably they have other loved ones and family) I think that is fair enough, and very much their own choice. I would be saying very differently if they were having a ceremony with guests that the step children could have gone to and had specifically chosen not to invite them in particular.

No one is saying you can’t have an actual ceremony wedding alone

Well 99% of posters have actually said as such.

I'd just speak to them first. See if they are even interested in going anyway, they might not want to like some step children on this thread said they did not.

If they do and it means a lot then do a registry service over here and a blessing on your holiday for your romantic beach, couple photos etc...

Christ, this is like pulling teeth. Choosing to get married abroad with no guests isn’t fair enough when one half of the couple has children.

AE18 Quite. Telling them now is at least including them to some extent. Why the Op wants to tell them in February is the concern. I suggest because they are going to be upset by the news. If they don’t like the idea then at least the registry office offers a solution. They can still have their “ special” day with a blessing instead.

How would you feel if your other half announced he was taking the children on a holiday he had planned months .You’d be livid I bet. Not because you think it’s a bad idea but because he’d left you out.

OP be ready for when those DSC get married themselves. Because I bet £20 they invite their dad and their dad only, and you and any subsequent children are not invited.

But that's OK, because it's their day 😒

If you fly out on a Saturday, it is not much to go on the Friday afternoon and have a small quick ceremony and meal with the children. A lot of foreign weddings don't you have to do this anyway???

I say this as a step child, a step mother, and someone who's children have a step mother. Don't be an arse. Because my father was, and he doesn't have a relationship with 2/3 of his children because of it.

OP you and you're dp seemed to have booked this on a whim without thinking it through. Regardless of all the reasons you give about them not wanting to miss clubs etc, you should have at least given them the option and made them feel wanted and included. Instead you have excluded them and you have treated them the way your dp's ex already feels they are treated.

I don't think this will end well and I feel sorry for the kids.

@Alsohuman

Christ, this is like pulling teeth. Choosing to get married abroad with no guests isn’t fair enough when one half of the couple has children.

Yep, for me too, because I think it is. Not what I would do necessarily but fair enough in that a couple should be able to have whatever wedding they want as long as they aren't discriminating against one person in particular. If they want to do it alone, it's their marriage, not anybody else's.

How awful for his kids!! I feel really sorry for them! Their parents have split up and now their Dad is marrying someone else and it’s all been organised behind their backs to be cbroad where they’re not invited ☹️ They’ll be so upset and feel even more excluded! Surely you’re trying to build a family here with their Dad and with them central to it? It will look like you’re trying to push them aside and start a new family just with their Dad. Poor children.

Knowing the kids, I don't think they will bat an eyelid. They are used to their parents (both my DP and their Mum) going on holiday without them so this shouldn't have an impact.
You really don’t understand kids, do you?

one is saying you can’t have an actual ceremony wedding alone

Well 99% of posters have actually said as such.

Yes but that’s a response to the Ops attitude to her step children. Her utter intransigence of booking the wedding abroad alone, not being willing to consider a registry service to include them and telling them close to the date as some sort of nasty surprise for them.
Everyone is trying to get the Op to see that it isn’t just about her special day but that the step children are part of

The family -
sorry posted too soon.

"OP's wedding is not about her stepkids, it's about her and her OH"

As a step mum who is getting married next year I can categorically say this is so far from how it should be. I'm making as big a commitment to my dsd as I am to her dad, and it is very much about her and our family.

You need to grow a pair of ovaries and accept that you knew what you were getting into (and I'm the first person to say how much I hate that phrase). He has three children, they are a package, and you are deliberately excluding them, you know damn well you are. They won't care that no one else is there, they will feel rejected.
And as for your "D"P, he is putting his lover before his kids. That's the simple, cold truth, and I don't entirely know a) how you can stand by and let that happen if the relationship is as good as you say and b) want to marry a man who's happy to let his kids take second place.
Whichever PP said the Ex has your measure was wrong only in one respect, I don't think she's just got your measure, I think she's got the measure of both of you.

The OP is going on honeymoon there anyway, and the ceremony is free. So the ceremony being booked already is pretty irrelevant. The OP and her DP could easily legally marry with the DSC present and still have the free ceremony on honeymoon.

It's really low of the DC's father to exclude the kids like this. They will remember this for the rest of their lives, and the long term consequences are likely to be significant and corrosive.