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Original poster

When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

864 replies

Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 09:20

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

OP posts:
PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 21/08/2019 15:59

I don’t think you marry the children, you marry the man. I am not married to my step family. I do, however, respect the fact that my partner has children from a previous relationship and is a father.

There is a big difference between the classic MN put your step children above job at all times BS and not inviting them to your wedding. Quite a gulf between those two positions.

SunshineCake · 21/08/2019 16:01

It's interesting you don't think you are doing anything wrong, "kids won't be bothered", yet still say you think kids are resilient.

Everyone, child and adult, can be resilient when shit happens but it doesn't stop them carrying the effects for years, sometimes for ever.

Don't be a dick.

#TypicalNonTypicalMNUser Hmm.

thinkingcapon · 21/08/2019 16:07

@Whentotell123 how long have you 2 been together? I was a SM

whattodowith · 21/08/2019 16:08

You can’t marry a man who has young children and expect them not to be a major part of your life. If you do expect this, you are an arsehole.

LovePoppy · 21/08/2019 16:11

My (step) mum who raised me remarried without any of hers or her husbands kids. Why? Because she knew three of her (adult) kids wouldn’t attend out of protest.
The difference is, she talked to us all beforehand. Explained all the reasons that it wasn’t a slight to us.

I understood, but I was still hurt. Even as an adult with my own kids. I Would never have been able to accept her as my stepmother and then my mother if she and my father had married without us. It was a hard enough road as it was

There WILL be fall out. For anyone to expect otherwise, they are just being naïve.

Workingisntworking · 21/08/2019 16:20

One day when you and him split up and he's marrying someone else how would you feel if your child wasn't invited to his wedding?

I know you don't have bio dc yet but you said you planned to have a baby. The man you are marrying is happy to put his dc needs below yours and hurt them, imagine that is you in the future and your child. Would you be so happy for your dc to be excluded and hurt?

TixieLix · 21/08/2019 16:24

This update stood out to me:

They are used to their parents (both my DP and their Mum) going on holiday without them so this shouldn't have an impact

Why does neither parent take these children on holiday? These kids have a pretty shitty life if neither parent wants to holiday with them.

crustycrab · 21/08/2019 16:25

"I think it is incredibly stifling that parents can't even have one celebration in their life that is about themselves,"

Hold on. Who said that?! Their honeymoon is a celebration. They can celebrate their anniversary alone every year. This is the one opportunity to show these kids that they are a priority, that they are as important in this new family unit as anything else.

When you have kids it can be "stifling". That's life and the choices you make

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 21/08/2019 16:25

Imagine wanting a baby with this man.

How low can your self esteem get

crustycrab · 21/08/2019 16:27

@TixieLix I took that to mean that both parents holiday with and without the kids. Pretty normal in step-families and yes, easy for them to accept that.

This isn't a holiday. It's a wedding that was booked before the children's opinions were even sought

SoLost101 · 21/08/2019 16:28

Your husband to be sounds awful.

Why would you marry a vile man that doesn’t even want his 3 existing kids st his wedding !

And your going to have a kid with him? More fool you.

SandyY2K · 21/08/2019 16:45

Whilst the stepmum to be us getting a lot of flack on here, I believe (as is most often the case) that the father is to blame.

Unless he specifically asked each of his 3 DC about whether they would like to be being at the wedding...he shouldn't have done this.

It was booked in term time, so they were never a consideration in his mind.

If the OP is accused of excluding the DC, it's because he has given her the right to do so in his own actions.

My DM once said to me, that if you disrespect your parent/s in front of your spouse... you send an unspoken message that they can do the same.

The OP is following his lead. If he doesn't care...why should she?

I'm not saying it's the right way to go...but he has set the tone here.

AE18 · 21/08/2019 16:47

@crustycrab

*Hold on. Who said that?! Their honeymoon is a celebration. They can celebrate their anniversary alone every year. This is the one opportunity to show these kids that they are a priority, that they are as important in this new family unit as anything else.

When you have kids it can be "stifling". That's life and the choices you make*

You are saying it? They can show them they are a priority on every other day of their lives that isn't their own special day. An anniversary is literally just celebrating the date you got married, so if that is appropriate to make private then why on Earth isn't the actual wedding?

In my opinion, a wedding is a very private thing. You don't marry a family, if you have kids you are already a family, you are just celebrating and formalising your commitment to that one person you love. Marriage doesn't make any difference to parenthood - if I split with my partner he wouldn't cease to be my daughters dad because we weren't married. Our commitment to our daughter was solidified by us having our daughter, us getting married is us making a commitment to one another.

To some, marriage is about the whole family. This sounds nice on paper, but in reality it just ends up being about compromising what you actually want for your celebration of your love for one person to pander to different people sticking their oar in, expecting certain roles and being offended not to get them, and the constant, never ending judgment on whether you are doing enough to convince your children that what is supposedly a special day to celebrate your relationship is, in fact, all about them, so they never have to deal with their parents having a single day that is about themselves, and just be happy for them.

Honestly, is it any wonder people find eloping appealing.

Alsohuman · 21/08/2019 17:00

@AE18, our wedding was enhanced by including our children and making them happy. It wasn’t just about the two of us, it was about all of us. I couldn’t have enjoyed my day if any of our kids had been unhappy.

Knittingnanny · 21/08/2019 17:01

I nearly did this. Been together 15 years, in our mid 60’s with children in their 30’s
We didn’t want a wedding just a legal status and had intended to just do it £200 Monday lunchtime and tell them after.
After asking a close friend what she thought and then joining a similar thread on Mumsnet to read opinions. , changed our minds and told them the week before.
So very glad we did, they were shocked to think we had considered not telling them till after! Just took the two local adult children ( others live overseas) with us for witnesses and a meal after
I think like others, the children will feel left out.

AE18 · 21/08/2019 17:01

"Your husband to be sounds awful.
*
Why would you marry a vile man that doesn’t even want his 3 existing kids st his wedding !

And your going to have a kid with him? More fool you.*"

"Imagine wanting a baby with this man.
*
How low can your self esteem get"

What's with all the nasty comments like this all of a sudden? It's nothing to do with specifically not wanting his kids there, he just didn't feel the need to have anybody there at all, get a grip.

I can see the argument about how they might perceive it, but him not being bothered about his kids being there doesn't make him some kind of monster. I don't feel a burning need for my daughter to be watching every time I have a romantic moment with my partner, funnily enough, but I still love her.

covetingthepreciousthings · 21/08/2019 17:02

It's adults only and during school time so the kids couldn't come.

This makes it sound like there's other adults going to be there? Or is it just you & your soon to be dh?

JudgeRindersMinder · 21/08/2019 17:05

I’m just waiting for the drip feed that OP already has a baby with this man and said baby will be going to the wedding

NeverSayFreelance · 21/08/2019 17:06

Oh please tell them soon OP. My dad sprung his wedding on me days before he left the country to get married (without me there - right in the middle of exam week) and I'm still hurt by it. Obviously we've all moved on but the memory still makes me sad. Don't do that to them.

AE18 · 21/08/2019 17:07

@Alsohuman

That's nice for you, but not really my point. Obviously some will actively want that kind of day and that's fine, but I don't think there's anything wrong with others viewing it as a more private thing than that and not centring it around their kids, and I certainly don't think it's right for the self righteous folk on here to jump on anyone who does to tell them they are selfish, awful people for daring to think about themselves on their own wedding day because it SHOULD be all about other people.

And unless you have been singled out to be excluded in which case it is obviously personal, I think it's self absorbed to take someone else's day and make it all about how upset you are it wasn't more about you.

undertheoldoaktree · 21/08/2019 17:07

They'll be going to Sandals (adults only, does actually include a free tacky wedding). You can also get the same package at Beaches where kids are allowed (and where there are numerous kids clubs and free watersports so lots of chances to be alone as a couple and together as a family) but obviously the kids aren't wanted there.

I'd have done the latter and spent the money from the present grabbing party on taking the kids too if I wanted to marry abroad. Or waited and saved longer to do so.

I wasn't invited to my mother's civil partnership when I was a teenager and living with her. Needless to say, when me and DH had a lovely tiny registry office wedding with just us, DD (DH's DSD) and 2 witnesses, she wasn't invited. Oh how she cried and made such a fuss about us leaving her out!! She reacted with much surprise that nobody gave her any sympathy, and that even her close friends responded with a "well its only the same as you did". My DB is having a huge wedding next year, and he still hasn't decided whether she's coming.

DD would never have been excluded!

undertheoldoaktree · 21/08/2019 17:11

www.sandals.co.uk/weddings/free/

^^ free wedding with holiday for those who doubt that aspect. But again, it makes no difference to OPs DP being a huge dick.

Alsohuman · 21/08/2019 17:12

Children under 13 are allowed to be “self absorbed” @AE18. You’re talking about them as if they’re adults. And please don’t patronise me.

crustycrab · 21/08/2019 17:17

The difference here is that they are step children. So a new family is being created....and should op and dp ever divorce she won't still be their parent or stepmother.

The kids will feel excluded, maybe it won't affect all 3 of them. After all, everyone is different. But I wouldn't risk my relationship with my kids or my stepkids for the sake of a quick ceremony in a registry office that included them.

PositiveVibez · 21/08/2019 17:18

Possible scenario in 10 years time:

You have had a child with the man who didn't want his own children at his wedding.

Couple of years later due to the untenable relationship with the stepchildren and the realisation you married a twat, you split up.

A few years after that, you meet someone who wants to marry you.

You book the wedding abroad and decide not to tell your child and send them to stay with their dad.

You get married abroad and tell you child when you get back.

You can bet your bottom dollar ^ this would never happen with the OP's very own child.