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Original poster

When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

864 replies

Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 09:20

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

OP posts:
DisgruntledGuineaPig · 21/08/2019 15:28

@AE18 - with no children involved, then I'd agree, the wedding day should primarily focus on the people it is effecting, the two people becoming a married couple. The marriage ceremony is creating a legal partnership, and that should be the focus. However , when one or more of those getting married have children, what this marriage ceremony is also doing is creating a new family, the OP isn't just becoming her DP's wife, she's becoming his children's step-mother (officially, rather than just dad's girlfriend).

As they aren't adults yet, this does have as much as an effect on the children as it does her partner.

They should be involved, or at the very least, be given the opportunity to be involved.

You can't say it doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. She's becoming their step-mum.

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 21/08/2019 15:30

Don’t worry, OP will get it one day... once they get divorced and her soon to be DH marries his third wife who is also keen to white wash his past, he will probably think it’s fine if their child(ren) don’t go to that wedding either. Obviously she won’t mind at all, neither will their children. Cos you know, it’s just about the two people getting married.

whattodowith · 21/08/2019 15:35

@AllieDidNotDeserveBea
I guess that means they don't love anyone or like any of their friends otherwise they'd be invited.

His children should be the most important people in the world to him. They are far more important than his friends.

AE18 · 21/08/2019 15:36

@crustycrab

This wedding ceremony here isn't about their "love for one another". The op admitted they don't see the ceremony bit like that.

Yes I know OP herself wasn't that bothered, but most comments have included some suggestion that it is selfish to view your wedding as about you and your partner which I think is ridiculous.

She could cave and have a registry wedding just because she isn't that bothered either way, but I don't think she should have to. If a couple actively wanted to get married abroad and alone then I don't see anything wrong with that. People have eloped for centuries, a foreign destination could well mean something to the couple in question.

Ladywillpower · 21/08/2019 15:37

My BIL got married abroad & didn't tell his 2 children who were then aged 10 & 8. They were devastated.
2 more children later & the marriage didn't last.
His "excuse" was that the new wife wanted her special day.
His children are adults now & aren't particularly interested in him & he can`t understand why!
The phrase you reap as you sow comes to mind.

whattodowith · 21/08/2019 15:38

You shouldn’t have children with someone who disregards his own children in such a manner. He is telling you who he is, listen.

cheesydoesit · 21/08/2019 15:39

I'm only on page 3 so far but I must interject before RTFT because I'm shocked that you haven't thought this might be a problem. Imagine you and DP have a child, divorce and then you both remarry . I assume you would invite your own child. How would you feel, how do you think your child would feel if they were not invited to their father's wedding?

If your DP truly thinks this is a good idea then he is a terrible father.

vapourtrail · 21/08/2019 15:41

I don't get it, if you are planning on doing a party afterwards that the kids would be involved in, just swap it round and do it before?? You obviously have money in the budget for this, so swap the order round and make the children feel like a priority in your lives. You can still do the wedding again abroad for your photos if that is such a big deal.

OrchidInTheSun · 21/08/2019 15:42

AE18 but he has three children from his previous relationship. So him marrying the OP is massive deal.

She isn't just marrying him. He is a man who already has a family

Nicknacky · 21/08/2019 15:43

chocolate But in all honesty, would you have considered not inviting him to the wedding?

Nodnol · 21/08/2019 15:43

@Purpleartichoke yes but they are “only dinners” so clearly in the Ops view don’t count.

Those poor kids.

AE18 · 21/08/2019 15:45

@DisgruntledGuineaPig

I can see that it has some degree of a bearing on the step kids, though her "officially" being their step mum is unlikely to make much of a difference to their life if she is already acting like one, it's not like she will suddenly have parental responsibility.

In my opinion, a wedding should always be about the two people choosing to marry, whether there are kids or not. I have a daughter and she will be there for my wedding, because I'm choosing to have that kind of celebration, but it will still be "about" me and my partner.

I think it is incredibly stifling that parents can't even have one celebration in their life that is about themselves, even if they choose to do it by not making a fuss at all and just doing it privately, as in this case. It's one day.

It's like nothing short of totally giving up any sense of self or private connection is enough from a parent on this forum.

EverdeRose · 21/08/2019 15:45

A honeymoon is a honwymoon, not a qedding.

You can get married for less than 100 pound, 600 is ridiculous. Take your step children and two witnesses to the register office and get married and take all of you for a nice meal after.

Reading between the lines, you don't seem to like these children very much if before the wedding you've already decided they shouldn't be part of important life events.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/08/2019 15:46

@Nicknacky yes, if we'd decided that what we both wanted was a wedding abroad. As it happens we didn't want that. But it was our choice.

AE18 · 21/08/2019 15:47

*@OrchidInTheSun
*
*AE18 but he has three children from his previous relationship. So him marrying the OP is massive deal.

She isn't just marrying him. He is a man who already has a family*

I am not married to my child, I (will be) married to my partner.

I clearly just have a different view of marriage to a lot of people on here, I don't think marriage is what makes a family.

We would be our daughters parents whether we were married or not, our decision to marry is entirely about us.

Nicknacky · 21/08/2019 15:48

chocolate I kinda thought you would say something like that. I’m astounded a parent would leave a child out of their wedding.

whattodowith · 21/08/2019 15:48

In my opinion, if you marry someone who already has children you are essentially marrying their children too. You can’t separate the two, they come as a package deal. If you can’t accept their children, don’t marry them. Choose someone who is child free and start a family with them.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/08/2019 15:48

It's like nothing short of totally giving up any sense of self or private connection is enough from a parent on this forum.

Yes - exactly this.

RUOKHUN · 21/08/2019 15:48

I’m a step-child and you are going to be a terrible step-mother. HTH.

Howdidido · 21/08/2019 15:50

1000 responses saying "you need to invite the DSC"
OP- "nope it's all planned. Can't change it. They're not worth £600 (or whatever actual cost of registry office wedding is)"

OP listen. You asked the question. There's a unanimous response. Don't exclude them or your and DH's relationship with the kids may never recover. People are giving examples.
Have the registry office wedding just you and kids. Have you overseas celebration too. Have the party when you get back. Dont exclude them.

Isthisit22 · 21/08/2019 15:54

OP you will regret this if you go ahead. Listen to everyone here.
Have a small service in UK with the kids Before you go abroad and then they will feel included and special. It will cost you virtually nothing extra then you can still have the romantic, pretend you have no kids ceremony abroad that you've already planned

NotAgainKen · 21/08/2019 15:57

While I don't disagree with posters who say that the actual marriage ceremony is about two people, and whoever they're making their vows before, in this case the chance to do something really positive for their future family relationships - or, more to the point, the chance to avoid planting a giant perennial fuck-up tree at the heart of it - is surely more important?

SunnyIn · 21/08/2019 15:58

I don't think becoming an 'official' step mother has the same amount of impact on children as it does the couple getting married.

My DP has two children and we get married next month (they are coming, I absolutely agree that OP should invite them). My relationship with the kids will not change at all. We get on so well and we will continue to in the exact same way we did before. Me becoming their 'official' step mother won't change anything. I don't suddenly have parental responsibility etc...

It's important for them to know that me and their father want them there on our day not because I think us being married is going to have any dramatic change on their lives, we already live together and it won't make a difference to their day to day lives, but because I want them to know we want them there on the occasions that matter to us.

Ladywillpower · 21/08/2019 15:58

I can`t really imagine wanting to have a child with a man who wanted to exclude his own children from his wedding. But each to their own.
I have a strong suspicion where this will end.

EverdeRose · 21/08/2019 15:58

Just read that you've told the step children a wedding and a new baby is on the cards.

These kids are feeling, unloved and unwanted, they see you as a threat. Instead of fixing this, showering them with love and showing them they'll never be replaced and how positive it is that your all going to be a family together, you've shit all over it and proved their mother and their worst fears right.

Carry on with your plans OP, once the new baby's here they'll be forgotten about anyway. Might as well show them now how little they mean to you both and how easily replaced they are.

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