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Original poster

When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

864 replies

Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 09:20

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

OP posts:
verystressedmum · 21/08/2019 14:56

The wedding is free as part of the package for staying at the hotel.

What does that mean? I've never booked a holiday in a hotel and they've thrown in a free wedding Confused
You'd have to book a wedding package

justfortoday4367 · 21/08/2019 14:57

I understand for you it is a quiet wedding that you want.
My mum remarried when I was nearly 30 & a mother myself, with 2 younger siblings on my side and 2 very young step siblings on the other side. We all didn’t get an invite to their wedding...some 11 years later it still hurts all 3 adult children - the feeling of not wanted to belong or part of the new family unit being created. We are also not close at all to our step brothers. It affected us all and I can only imagine the hurt & rejection to his much younger children. This is the start of a new union - all the family should be a part of that.

Geminijes · 21/08/2019 15:01

Yes DP has spoken to the kids about the future and they know that marriage and another baby is on the cards.

Children are very resilient and I think adults can often make things worse.

How do you know this when you don't have children? On what evidence are you basing this 'fact' on?

With your attitude I very much hope you don't have a child.

You are showing complete disregard to your partner's children.

Enko · 21/08/2019 15:01

I am a stepchild many times over. I minded hugely when my dad remarried his 2nd wife and didn't invite us children. They went off just the 2 of them too like op suggests.

With his 3rd 4th and 5th wife (yes he has been married 5 times) he told me and invited me. I was not able to attend but I felt included and welcomed as a part of their family unit.

OP if you are stuck on doing the wedding this way
I would not mention the wedding abroad. I would go for a humanist service at the party..have a friend/family member "marry" you and have the step children involved in this part.

I was 7 when my dad remarried the first time and it stung to not be a wanted part of a wedding of one of the people I loved the most. My moyher6 never remarried but remained with the same man for 39 years until she died.

AE18 · 21/08/2019 15:03

@AnAC12UCOinanOCG

I think they might be more bothered about sharing a holiday together than the actual signing, so it is logical to do it there and from what I can gather for free or more cheaply, assuming they'd be going on the holiday either so that expense is a given.

If we can't even prioritise our connection to one another as adults on our own bloody wedding day because we have kids (which MN dictates must be prioritised literally every other second at whatever cost to ourselves) then we are all just being ridiculous martyrs in my opinion. I don't buy into people having to cater their wedding to others whether kids or not, in fairness, so this does colour my view.

And as someone that does not have £600 to throw away to cushion someone else's feelings over something with a very simple, reasonable explanation, I just object to the description of that much money as "measly". Maybe for some, but not for others.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/08/2019 15:04

With your attitude I very much hope you don't have a child.

What an absolutely horrible thing to say. She's hardly the devil incarnate.

crustycrab · 21/08/2019 15:06

@AE18 no, it's not measly to many people. To the OP it is considering they are going abroad to an adults only hotel and then throwing a party on return. And planning a 4th child. Can't be that strapped for cash.

@verystressedmum this is a quote from the OP. She said the wedding is free as part of their holiday booking....

"The wedding is free as part of the package for staying at the hotel. We would be going on honeymoon anyway so this seemed like the perfect fit."

crustycrab · 21/08/2019 15:10

And I've just asked my now adult DSD. She doesn't think her mum would've been a "ridiculous martyr" to include her in her wedding. She says "of all the things that have ever happened in my life, that hurts me most. It makes my heart hurt even after all these years". Sad

It's £600. Sorry that you don't have that to spare but the op clearly does. The SC should be a priority

verystressedmum · 21/08/2019 15:10

The op said it but have you ever booked a holiday and they've said to you you can also get married for free? You'd most likely have to enquire about their wedding packages, which makes me think this is what the op has done. Not just booked a holiday.

crustycrab · 21/08/2019 15:12

Oh no, sorry, thought you were asking what I meant!

No, I've never been offered free nuptials when I've booked a holiday Grin

Gottoloveabagel · 21/08/2019 15:12

But if the wedding abroad is free why not cancel it? Have it as a honeymoon (either before or after) and have a ceremony in a cheaper registry office as they obviously do exist!

Choice4567 · 21/08/2019 15:13

@Whentotell123 I’m a step mum. I’m getting married next year. Even the smallest wedding I though of included all the children. They’d be devastated if they were left out and I wouldn’t them to be. There’s an answer from a step mum for you.

dreichhighlands · 21/08/2019 15:13

I now feel slightly let down that none of my holidays have offered me free wedding, not one !

MarionberryJam · 21/08/2019 15:14

I'll be the outlier here, OP... do it. Do it exactly as you want, as selfish and hurtful as it is, and let the chips fall where they may. Your STBDSC deserve to know the truth about exactly who and what their dad and new stepmom are. Much better for the children to know sooner rather than later. Show them yourselves, so that their DM can help them work through their pain and betrayal without being unjustly blamed for it all. Just do it. Loud and proud.

And then remember this when you are on the receiving end of his callous indifference... because one day you will be.

AE18 · 21/08/2019 15:16

@crustycrab

Obviously a different perspective, but I believe OP and her partner should be the priority on their own wedding day. That is my point about being martyrs. To me, a wedding is about two people's love for one another, not how involved other people feel they should be in someone else's celebration. We spend our whole lives as parents putting other people first, our wedding should be what we want it to be. If they want to marry abroad, they should be able to. As long as the children aren't being excluded whilst others are being included, they're not doing anything unreasonable.

£600 is a lot of money to throw away to not get married in the way you wanted to so you can pander to other people.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/08/2019 15:17

Fucking hell. Some of you lot are mental and just plain nasty. Do you get off on making people feel shit about themselves?

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 21/08/2019 15:17

Its a destination wedding, OP was not getting the response she wanted at that point so said it was a holiday with a free wedding. Which I have never heard of. What next- Complimentary baptism with your dinner?

AE18 · 21/08/2019 15:20

@MarionberryJam

Oh my god dramatic enough? Is everyone that elopes a monster in your eyes? 😂

Yes, the children need to learn "what kind of people" their dad and step mum are for not having a traditional ceremony for an event that is literally just a legal binding of the two of them and absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. They are absolute scum for not having a conventional ceremony to do so.

The scandal 😱

simplekindoflife · 21/08/2019 15:23

Could you do all the wedding party thing before the wedding/honeymoon? So you do that before you go on your honeymoon.

What about getting a celebrant to do a 'wedding' ceremony that the kids can go to? You could do that before or even at your party? It could help make them feel more involved and you don't need to tell anyone how and when it'll be official. They can have wedding roles then too.

My friends went to the registry office two days on their own before their humanist ceremony wedding with everyone else. Worked really well, you could do this in reverse.

Bibidy · 21/08/2019 15:23

Obviously a different perspective, but I believe OP and her partner should be the priority on their own wedding day....To me, a wedding is about two people's love for one another, not how involved other people feel they should be in someone else's celebration. We spend our whole lives as parents putting other people first, our wedding should be what we want it to be. If they want to marry abroad, they should be able to. As long as the children aren't being excluded whilst others are being included, they're not doing anything unreasonable.

Completely agree.

OP's wedding is not about her stepkids, it's about her and her OH. The children will be included in the actual main celebration with everyone else.

OP I'd tell them sooner rather than later, emphasise that the party is the celebration and let them know the legalities will be done when you're away.

Bibidy · 21/08/2019 15:24

I'll be the outlier here, OP... do it. Do it exactly as you want, as selfish and hurtful as it is, and let the chips fall where they may. Your STBDSC deserve to know the truth about exactly who and what their dad and new stepmom are. Much better for the children to know sooner rather than later. Show them yourselves, so that their DM can help them work through their pain and betrayal without being unjustly blamed for it all. Just do it. Loud and proud.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL actually laughing at this. Wow.

crustycrab · 21/08/2019 15:24

This wedding ceremony here isn't about their "love for one another". The op admitted they don't see the ceremony bit like that.

In step families where relationships are already strained like this one, then yes, children are a priority when making decisions as big as this (big in their eyes).

I don't think she's evil, I think she's making a mistake though. And can't believe her DP wouldn't want his kids there

NotAgainKen · 21/08/2019 15:26

I'm a stepmum, and all three of my DSC were involved in our wedding party - not only did it feel right to include them but their happiness at being involved felt as much of a blessing as anything in the ceremony. OP, I urge you to rethink this. You're missing a wonderful - and pretty rare - chance to show these children just how much you consider them your family, and how important they are to you.

They might say no, they might not want to take a day off school. But they'll remember you cared enough to ask. One of my fortysomething friends was hurt as recently as a few years ago when her dad airily informed her he'd married to his long term partner in Vegas without telling anyone - it's not so much the being there, as feeling ranked in terms of importance.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/08/2019 15:27

Can I also just say, my youngest stepson (11 at the time) fucked off to his room to play computer games the minute the ceremony and food was all done as he was bored shitless. So yeah, mucho thrilled to be included.

LadyGAgain · 21/08/2019 15:28

Get married on a weekday registry with you him and the kids. Nice outfits etc. February half term. Then do your honeymoon and party after. For the sake of your long term relationship with the kids and for them to feel special and involved.