Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

864 replies

Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 09:20

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

OP posts:
Weezol · 21/08/2019 13:52

It's almost like you want to wreck the children's relationship with their dad, so that you and your potential new baby can have him all to yourselves.

This with bloody big wedding bells on.

FrontBumbly · 21/08/2019 13:54

Just waiting for ex to call and tell me that he's getting married abroad...

JassyRadlett · 21/08/2019 13:55

I’ve just spent a ludicrous amount of time looking at register office civil marriage fees in London boroughs. Lots of options OP - so far I’ve only found one that is even close to £600 for a Saturday.

TheGreatestCape · 21/08/2019 14:02

Is this one of those threads where (almost) everyone says YABU, the Daily Mail picks it up, and the OP gets the whole thing deleted because of 'privacy' concerns?

If so, that would be a real shame, because amidst many very sad stories about exclusion and upset children (of all ages), there are some awesome examples of how to celebrate a new marriage with kindness, consideration and sensitivity towards existing DC.

It's so nice to read about parents and step-parents who've made every effort to include DC in the wedding, in so many different ways, or even just respected the DC's wishes not to attend but made sure they're free to change their minds and know they're welcomed.

Emmas of the world: get it together.

CornishMaid1 · 21/08/2019 14:03

Could you perhaps incorporate almost a 'commitment ceremony' into the party, so have a mini wedding. It would be anything formal as you are already married, but could just 'renew vows' if the kids want to be part of a ceremony.

BowiesJumper · 21/08/2019 14:03

Is your marriage going to be legal here? I know it depends on which country you marry abroad. I think a wedding ceremony with the kids here would be nicer of you both!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/08/2019 14:04

@JassyRadlett the ones close to me are £600+ however they're for 160 guests + there are much cheaper rooms for less than 28 people at around £280 on a Saturday.

There are cheap options all around London. I think it's just an excuse.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 21/08/2019 14:07

We're wasting our time. Emma and Emlyn are clearly convinced his children won't be fussed despite DSD being in tears Hmm

Thehagonthehill · 21/08/2019 14:07

My mum got remarried but didn't tell us for a while(we were young teens still living with her),that hurt.
When my dad got married (we were probably the age of your kid now)we didn't know but there was a hugh party,we were involved with all our relatives getting it ready.Then my dad and step mum arrived straight from the registry office with 2 friends as witnesses.
We weren't upset as we thought this was the way it was and we were amongst all our family and all of hers.It was happy and that contagion of the happiness sticks.
If they had got married and I knew and there was a party a few weeks after that would have stung I think.
The hard bit is thinking of it from their point of view.But you are the ones who have to live with the fall out if you get it wrong.

Purpleartichoke · 21/08/2019 14:10

Not only are you excluding the kids from the wedding, you are missing two custody times to do so? No, no chance at all of kids taking that personally. Hmm

CrocodilesCry · 21/08/2019 14:12

I'm a DSM of 14 years as well as being a stepchild myself (both of my parents remarried when I was a teen - I was at both weddings).

Believe me the children will never forgive either of you if they aren't there.

They are already anxious about the dynamics changing when you marry, when they find out they're excluded from the wedding itself it's not going to be pretty.

You're in the wrong - own it and live with the consequences or change your plans now and show them that their father actually gives a about them.

dreichhighlands · 21/08/2019 14:13

Do you really want to have dc with this man OP?
The way he treats his current dc will be the way he treats your in the future.
You may think it is good enough for someone else's dc but would you really want it for yours?

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2019 14:15

Does it not worry you that he’s so relaxed about excluding his children? If you do have kids with him, do you not worry he could do the same to them?

TriciaH87 · 21/08/2019 14:16

Personally I would tell them now. Whilst they cannot be at the wedding which to me I could never do without my children but that's my choice they can help with it. Even if your not having a wedding dress they can be included in shopping for your wedding day outfit, accessories etc dad's outfit. Include them in the prep for the party like which colour balloons you have and decorations. This will show them they are being included. If you just go off and get married without a word they will feel excluded like mum was right. My eldest father got married without telling or inviting him but then he has been absent for a while. Tell them sooner than later and involve them where you can.

ASundayWellSpent · 21/08/2019 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

crustycrab · 21/08/2019 14:26

The wedding is free as part of the holiday. So it'll cost nothing to cancel the ceremony but still have the holiday.

Take the kids to a registry office and marry with them there, then go on holiday as planned.

My DSDs mother got married and didn't tell or invite her. Things were never the same again....as they weren't for the other pps this has happened to.

Don't do it OP and don't let your DP. You want a baby with a man who is happy to risk hurting his kids forever over 600 measly quid Sad

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 21/08/2019 14:27

OP - if you don't care about the ceremony and think it's a waste of money to do it in the UK rather than abroad when it'll be cheaper - can I make a suggestion - you'd be the perfect family for CBBC's Marrying Mum and Dad programme!

The children plan the whole big day, they get to be on CBBC and met the presenters, you get married for free. The whole day is completely child-focussed.

(My favourites were the kids who arranged a James Bond themed wedding, and then the ones where they put their Mum in a full white wedding dress, hair and make up done beautifully, then she was put in a zorb ball and made to roll to the venue. Her hair looked "interesting" by the time they got there...)

Anyway, there's a lot to be said for completely involving the DSC if you really don't care about the ceremony. Let them go wild, they will really feel part of the marriage.

Remember if you are marrying someone who already had children, you aren't just creating a new married couple, but also creating a new family. This marriage should be as much about you becoming legally their Step-Mum as you becoming legally your DP's wife. If you want it to be just about you and your DH2B, then you really need to think carefully if you should be marrying a man with children.

ferretface · 21/08/2019 14:29

I reckon:
OP has not been married before and therefore wants all the fuss of a perfect wedding with lovely photos, a sort of 'clean slate'
A registry office does not fit with the OPs vision
Having the DPs kids there does not fit with the OPs vision

Therefore OP is going to lengths to convince herself that kids won't mind and it's fine to elope somewhere hot and photogenic and pretend that the relationship doesn't come with baggage in the form of the kids.

OP is only concerned with her relationship with the DP, not his or her relationship with the kids. The DP is also behaving badly.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 21/08/2019 14:31

Marrying Mum and Dad - it's wonderful TV ! Watch a few episodes. Try to think about what your DSC would come up with...

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/08/2019 14:33

FUCKING HELL people let the OP have her quiet wedding if that's what they both want. Waaaaaay too many opinionated people on here. The fact that you're having a big party at home means that the kids are included. But I do think you should tell them sooner rather than later. Otherwise the may find out by accident and that wouldn't be good.

AE18 · 21/08/2019 14:41

Seems I'm in the minority but I don't see anything wrong with your wedding plans. I absolutely hate that people seem to think weddings should be about pleasing other people - if what suits you is an intimate moment between the two of you, conveniently wrapped up with a holiday abroad having an experience together as a couple and saving the expense of a separate wedding and honeymoon at the same time, then that's what you should do. If you don't fancy paying for the bland experience of standing in a registry office so that other people get to say they were officially there for your totally unromantic document signing, then you shouldn't have to.

The point of the party is obviously to celebrate with your loved ones after having the wedding you want together. Perfectly within your rights to do things this way.

I definitely wouldn't wait until the last minute to tell them though. Plenty of time between now and then to get them used to the fact that not everyone has a big wedding or wants to make a big fuss and it's not a personal slight that you're doing it on your own for practical reasons. Not telling them will just make it seem more like you kept it a secret to exclude them.

AE18 · 21/08/2019 14:46

@crustycrab

There's nothing measly about 600 quid to a lot of people. I can't remember the last time I had that to spare, and I would like to think my children would be able to appreciate that that's way more money than it's worth for them to watch me sign a document.

TwoPencePenny · 21/08/2019 14:46

Sorry but I don’t think Weddings are Just about two people when you have step children.

Anyone who thinks this is ok has clearly never been the stepchild in this scenario. Things like this hurt for a long long time.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 21/08/2019 14:52

AE18 And you think the wedding abroad is costing them less than £600?

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/08/2019 14:52

Step-children should not get to call the shots just because they've been through their parents divorce.

For what it's worth, I remarried last year and the stepkids (and my daughter) were there. But we did consider doing it abroad. I don't think the kids would've cared, as long as we'd had a celebration when we got home.

Swipe left for the next trending thread