When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

If the wedding ceremony is free with a hotel package, is it just the two of you going to be there?

Packages are usually based on x number of rooms being booked in the hotel. If other family were going and the kids were left out that makes things a whole lot worse.

@SarahH12 actually a marriage when there is step children isnt about 2 people. It is about creating a new family with new dynamics and relationships. Bonds that aren't naturally there the way they are if it's two parents getting married who already have children.

I'm a married step parent. We had a child each.

There is zero chance that we would have gotten married with out them there. They played an important part in the wedding and it was a sign that we were becoming a new family.

Children aren't really that resilient. Its usually a line trotted out by adults making decisions that isnt in their best interests to make them selves feel better.

In your case with a already difficult relationship with their mam I would be doing everything possible to show them that your family you are creating is so important to you and their dad.

Or maybe it actually isnt. If so go ahead and get married abroad. I hope it works out for you but I think the chances are it will cause more problems than you expect.

Everyone on this thread is telling you this will damage the relationship with the kids, possibly irrevocably. Why would you risk that? Find a cheap register office somewhere in the country, take the kids there for a weekend or a day away and get married with the kids there. If you marry without the kids there, that sends a massive message to them that they're no longer important.

I am a step mother and my then 13 year old step daughter was bridesmaid at my wedding and helped me make my flowers and came to my hen do (it was sedate as I also invited all my new nieces) and was generally invited to be involvd in everything. It meant a lot to her and although it's not the way I would have done things if children weren't involved, they were, and I wanted them all to feel part of the day. They were officially gaining new parents after all!

ASAP and bring them along ?!

You’re going to be a bloody nightmare when you have your “very own baby”. Those poor step kids are going to be fully forgotten

You are right about one thing though @Whentotell123 adults can often make things worse you’re doing it right now

I'm not the gambling type, however I believe that the odds would be in our favour regards the likelihood of the OP @Whentotell123 returning to this post....

OP: AIBU?
Everyone except 3 posters: YES
OP: that's not what I wanted to hear, so I'll do it my way. It's booked in any case.
OP: flounces
Everyone except 3 posters: 😐

Depending on when your honeymoon is booked for, why couldn't you have the cheaper registry office wedding on a week-day in school holidays or half-term? I see Kensington & Chelsea (surely the poshest and most expensive borough in London?) do week-day options in the Harrington Room at Chelsea Old Town Hall for £230 (£100 booking, £130 attendance). It doesn't have to be in term-time, does it, or the week directly before your holiday? Why don't you ask them and see if they would be interested in attending your wedding and being the only guests there apart from the witnesses, that way you would make them feel very special and it might make for a better relationship all round? If they show no interest in that, then you could just go off on your wedding holiday. As others have said, I'm sure the hotel won't mind an exchange of vows without the legal bits. Also, you could probably get a week-day appointment for after school. (I'm assuming that you and their father won't begrudge taking a day off work, or the extra cost, in order to smooth things over with your future step-children?)

My Dad got married a few years ago in Vegas and only took his now wife's sister and her husband too.
The woman he married was the woman he cheated on with my mum (years before), so in that sense I don't mind that they did it alone. We did go to their party afterwards.
What bothers me more is that he never takes any interest in my 2 DC apart from Christmas, Easter etc. They all go on holiday once a year, my dad, his wife, her son and his gf and their 3 kids.
Me nor my brothers or sister are ever invited, we just get told how great their holiday was.
He tries to get my DC to call her nana, but she never bothers with then, she never asks how they are, never asks to see them so I don't think she deserves to be called nana at all.
Our relationship is strained and will never be the same, and we feel like outsiders and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

You're both just nasty.
Getting them involved in planning a wedding they're not going to just rubs it in their faces. You clearly don't want them there and are doing a good job of alienating them.

Wow, you are the biggest Emma in history,
Would love to see how this would pan out if you’d already had kids, bet you would of insisted they were there wouldn’t you?
Still haven’t answered where the wedding is, still haven’t answered whether it cost more than £600.
Poor kids.

I don't think I could marry a man who considered getting married without his children present.

As a child (of any age) I am not sure I could ever forgive a parent who excluded me from their wedding.

I think this could destroy, or seriously damage, relationships.

How could you do this to children?

@Henrysnoopy I'm another one who also suspects the OP is actually Emma!

You sound selfish OP, both of you. If the children are already feeling set aside by their father for you, this is going to send them the message that they absolutely aren't wanted.

You've clearly already made up your mind and it doesn't sound like you actually care how they feel. Not sure why you even posted tbh if you weren't going to take any of the advice given

Why not give the kids the choice?

Tell them you’re getting married, you’re not really fussed about the ceremony and had planned to do something very short just the two of you on holiday, but if they wanted to be at the actual ceremony you could look at doing something simple nearer home. (My London borough is £245 on weekdays and £340 on weekends. You don’t have to get married at your own register office.)

My uncle and his wife did this. They didn’t think their kids (his or hers) would really be bothered. Took a bit of time to rebuild the previous brilliant relationships on both sides.

Talk to the kids. Don’t assume you know what they think, treat them with respect and ask them.

My ex did this, swanned off to get married in New York, kids not invited.
It was years ago and they still haven’t forgiven him.
You are making a massive mistake.

I've booked in on the advice of my DP. He clearly didn't think the kids would be bothered.

I cannot believe you both planned the wedding and obviously at no point even discussed the kids between the two of you. That is ice cold.
I often think that MN gives step parents a hard time, but in this case they're right. You're the kind who gives them a bad time. But your DH sounds just as uncaring. You deserve each other but it's the kids I feel horribly sorry for.

You tell them now and invite them to the wedding.

In the parlance of this thread, OP, I'm afraid you do present as a total Emma.

Commentary seems futile; I agree with the majority of the past posters. However, I express my wish that karma treats you kinder than you deserve. Do tell your stepchildren promptly; the additional passage of time may be helpful to them. GL with your future family dynamics.

To do it without your sc is a big kick in the face to them.

You're bit just marrying your partner. It's their dad and their life and you essentially marry them too.

It's quite a horrid thing to do

Is the op going to come back.....

Your step children will resent you for doing this.

The children will be so incredibly hurt by their own father re-marrying without them.

Both of you will be damaging the children.

My ex-husbands father got remarried when he was an adult. He didn't invite him or his sister. They were never able to forgive him or their father's wife. And they were adults who could possibly understand.

These are children. And even if they say they don't mind - they bloody well will.

I would not marry a man who would not go out of his way to have his own children at his own wedding.

You can organise a registry office wedding before your holiday so that his children can be part of it. your holiday really can then become your honeymoon that the two of you go on alone. As the wedding is included for free you will not have lost money.

I have never heard of such selfishness.

If I were a man I wouldn't marry a woman who did not want my children at our wedding, who did not do everything to make those kids feel included.

You are both as bad as each other.

Those poor kids deserve better from you both.

Even to have a simple registry office wedding in the UK, its looking at £600 just for the ceremony. Plus everything else afterwards, even if it's small.

But you are going abroad AND having the party and everything after, so it's not about the money.

Go ahead with your plans op, then when the kids fuck you both off they'll be better off without you two selfish fuckers in their lives.

My ex just got engaged again, and one of the first people they told was our ds. I don’t know if it’s maybe because she also has dc that she’s a bit more clued up? But I know he’s excited about being in his Dad’s wedding (think he’s hoping for a role as best man!) and would definitely be hurt to be excluded. I really think you and your fiancé should think again.

I feel like "being an Emma" is going to enter MN parlance in the same way as "she's a Wendy" has and the ever tedious "CF".

OP I don't think it's that big of a deal and I don't think my children would either. As long as they were kept informed and it wasn't dropped on them afterwards as "a surprise!" and they got to be a big part of the party celebration I don't think they'd care. None of the teens and older children I know seem to care much about weddings.