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AIBU?

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Original poster

When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

864 replies

Whentotell123 · 21/08/2019 09:20

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 12:27

bloody hell oldbutstillgotit he goes through them doesn't he?!

Owlypants · 21/08/2019 12:29

My dm remarried and i wasn't invited to her wedding, it was a small ceremony. I was 9 and it was explained to me that not everyone does the big white wedding. I didn't feel left out. Maybe explain to your dsc that you're not inviting anyone to the ceremony and give them some duties for the party when you get back, things like choosing some songs, if theres food ask them to bake some cupcakes. Just get them involved in party planning because it's a celebration of your family coming together. I attended a wedding reception where the children gave short speeches, they were 6 & 7 , it was adorable and funny as they announced to the room that their df picks his nose in the car and that dsm dances like a twirly octopus.

Oldbutstillgotit · 21/08/2019 12:30

@Bonjourfreddie. Sadly the DC see him as a bit of a joke as each wife has been younger than the previous one! He is very rich which may have something to do with it.......

ssd · 21/08/2019 12:30

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Trying81 · 21/08/2019 12:32

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Vesperia · 21/08/2019 12:37

I can see why you would do it how your doing it as OH & I want to marry but don't want an event. We very nearly married in Las Vegas this year which would have been perfect but decided it would be a regret to get married without DSS (13) there & i'm actually glad we didn't.

Now we just have to work out how to elope with DSS but not look like it was planned Hmm

ColaFreezePop · 21/08/2019 12:39

@AllieDidNotDeserveBea where you a step-child when you were under 16 though?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/08/2019 12:39

Most children secretly harbour hopes of their parents getting back together and all living happily ever after. Both parents should be making sure that the children understand that this is not a viable option but bith parents love the children very much and that will never change. (Obviously if there is dv then it would be different). Both parents should be ensuring that they show the children they are still as loved and wanted as ever and are now parts of 2 families instead of one. So not inviting them to the official creation of the new family and simultaneously telling them the new family will at some point be having new babies does nothing to reinforce the love and family ties for the existing kids but it very much pushes them down the priority order. I can't believe you would even consider marrying without them there and I certainly would not have a child with a man who didn't want to include his children in a very significant event in his and their lives.

Carthage · 21/08/2019 12:39

I'm not a SM or a SC and I still think you sound vile. But you're so convinced you're right, you won't listen to the 90% of people who disagree with you.

It doesn't matter if 10% wouldn't care one way or another, you're discounting the other 90% who would care, and may include your SC. But saving a few hundred pounds trump other people's feelings, clearly and you're happy to risk longterm family rupture as evidenced on this thread. Nice...

katewhinesalot · 21/08/2019 12:40

Can someone please explain the emma bit?

Soapyb · 21/08/2019 12:42

OP be honest with yourself, if you and dp had a child together would you leave that DC behind or change venue to be closer to home? I would struggle to be so selfish and exclude my children. Your dp is excluding his children and it would be very hurtful to their feelings and the relationship going forward.

ColaFreezePop · 21/08/2019 12:43

@Trying81 they are 6, 10 and 13.

If you know anything about separated parents you would know you do not allow children under 13 to make decisions like that. You make a decision on what you believe would be in their best interests.

On this thread it is clear all those who were step-children felt pissed off when their fathers didn't bother inviting them to his wedding. In many cases this damaged their future relationship with one or both parties.

HappilyHarridan · 21/08/2019 12:43

I’m another one whose dad married without inviting me. It hurt and made me realise that he didn’t really want me or my brother to be part of his new life.

peachgreen · 21/08/2019 12:44

To be honest I'm mostly judging your fiance. I can't imagine wanting to make a lifetime commitment to someone who wouldn't want my children to be a part of that. But I can't imagine wanting to make such a commitment without my children present.

Nicknacky · 21/08/2019 12:47

Reading this thread and I’m so disappointed by how many posters have been in this situation, my H was one of those whose father married without telling him or his sisters, none of them have a good relationship with him.

It doesn’t matter if some posters weren’t bothered or think the kids won’t care, they should be given the choice to attend. They won’t be upset at all by being given the choice but there is a very good chance they will be upset if they aren’t.

Why risk that?

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 21/08/2019 12:48

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PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 21/08/2019 12:49

My teenage DSC’s mother married her boyfriend (who also has children) on holiday without anyone there. They were really upset and don’t like to talk about the fact she is married. It hurt that she excluded them from their special day even though it was just the two of them so by your logic that means they weren’t actually excluded.

And for the record, my DP is often completely unintuitive about what will or won’t bother his children. At the risk of gender stereotyping, it feels like a bit of a man thing. He insists they won’t care about things that everyone would care about.

When your child comes along you can ask yourself if there is any way you would get married after and exclude them, sorry, I mean get married just the two of you without them. You definitely wouldn’t.

Trying81 · 21/08/2019 12:51

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LovePoppy · 21/08/2019 12:54

If you get married without them, all you are doing is cementing in their minds that your partner does in fact love them less. Especially missing time with them.

Own up To not wanting them in your lives or do it differently

Directionless2019 · 21/08/2019 12:54

Imagine for a moment that your marriage doesn't work and you get remarried in 10 years time. Would you do this to your own children? Nope didn't think so.

You seem to be suggesting this is about money. It absolutely isn't. If you can afford the holiday/honeymoon and the party back home then it is NOT about money. Those poor kids deserve a father who cares for them and a step mum who at least doesn't do this sort of thing to them. It's so low I can't even put it into words. Your friends and family might pretend it's all ok but believe me they will be judging your decision. Everybody will be. All for your lovely photos. Little kids feelings for the sake of a set of pretty beach photos. Despicable, disgusting and immoral.

IsobelRae23 · 21/08/2019 12:55

I would be gutted if I was one of his children- holiday and marriage and not including now me.

I would never dream of excluding my own children like this. What a horrible thing to do.

Directionless2019 · 21/08/2019 12:56

And as for your £600 registry office - utter bollocks. You could easily do it in the week. Say about 4pm. Kids could get their afternoon mark at school and leave at 1.30pm ish. Definitely doable. Do not pretend that it isn't.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 21/08/2019 12:58

Do not pretend that it isn't.

Ahh but then she'd have to admit the truth: she doesn't really want the children there Wink

SunnyIn · 21/08/2019 12:59

I would ask the children genuinely how they feel about you getting married and whether they would want to be there.

If they say they don't and would just prefer the party then you stick with your plans. If they do want to come then I think it's important you make that happen.

ElizaPancakes · 21/08/2019 12:59

I’m a step mum.

I think when you have your own children you’ll look back on this and wonder wtf you were thinking, excluding his children on HIS ADVICE. I can give you a pass only because you’re clearly clueless. Your DP...I have no words. There’s no way I could or would have agreed to exclude DSS from our wedding - as it happens, he was proper miffed when we went out for a meal on our own, which was our only ‘honeymoon’!

You know, I was upset at not being invited to my dad’s BBQ - when I found out, he said he knew I couldn’t come because of the distance. Would have been nice to have been thought of, or even just told, so I didn’t have to find out about down the line.