When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

Let’s assume you go ahead with your plans OP. You get married overseas without the stepchildren there. You are lucky enough to conceive a honeymoon baby: even better - it’s twins and in 18 months time you are the proud mum of a lovely baby boy and girl. Will you be excluding them from major family occasions? You know your husband will want to but you might disagree when it’s your own babies being sidelined.

If it all goes tits up with your current fiancée and you end up with a new partner when your lovely imaginary twins are 6 years old, will you bugger off overseas to marry without them there? I hope not.

Thanks @Bonjourfreddie!

@Whentotell123 - if you at least gave the children the option "your dad and I are getting married on such and such a day at X registry office before we go on honeymoon - would you like to join us?!" It will certainly give the children (and more specifically the teenager) a choice. They can get excited with you both, and help you with the plans. What children don't want a cheeky day off school? Frankly your excuses (and including their hobbies at the weekend....) are pitiful and weak.

My STBXH was invited along with his siblings (all late 20s / early 30s at the time) to his mum's second wedding - everyone was invited. STBXH went. One sibling went. The others chose not to. In fact, not everyone went (a lot of people disagreed with her choice to remarry) but they were all invited.

My Ex husband recently got married.

Our DC are 18, 19 and 23 so I admit older than those discussed here.

He took them out for a meal and excitedly told them he was getting remarried at Gretna Green and that only her parents were invited.
They were having a party a couple of weeks afterwards for everybody to attend.

My son (19) wasn't bothered but the girls haven't spoken to him since and did not attend the party. They feel it is another sign that he doesn't give a shit about them, despite my encouraging them to have a good relationship with him since the day we split up (he left for OW whom he married in July).

@Bonjourfreddie I get what you're trying to say however in the OP it says that one of the children has been in tears because they think their Dad loves them less.

We don't know if the Mum has been saying things or not however surely this isn't going to help things? They may or may not be bothered about going but the fact that a child has already been in tears says to me that at least one of them will be bothered.

Why would you want to marry a man like this? He wants what he wants eh? No thought about the kids feelings at all and you’re buying every line he feeds you hook line and sinker. Are you normally such a doormat? Does he always get everything he wants? You said he wants to get married abroad so that’s what’s happening. What about what you want? Or are you one of “those” who only ever wants what he wants because you’ve got no balls or personality of your own? You should have thought and stepped up for those kids. You sound immature and selfish and god help you when you finally decide to tell a man like that no. You’ll soon find out why him and his wife are separated. Take your rose tinted spectacles off love and grow a backbone. I’d suggest saying to him that you no longer wish to go abroad to get married. You don’t want to upset the children as it’s important for your future relationship as their stepmom. Say you now want a small ceremony in the uk before the honeymoon that includes the children. How interesting it will be to see what his reaction will he. Will you get what you want or will he throw a tantrum? It’s a very quick way of showing what kind of man he really is.

Classic, sad example of a non resident parent prioritising their new relationship over their DC.

That doesn’t excuse any “parental alienation” attempts by the resident parent.

Either way it's all booked for abroad now so there's not much we can do.

Wow. You can cancel it! Your partner's a real dick of a 'dad' here. And you, you don't want them there. Why not just be honest with them, the pair of you, for once? Tell them you're doing it abroad in adults only, term time holiday because you want it to be just you two.

As for this 'party' after, what a laugh. Cracks me up when we get invitations for crap like this, with a gift list or request for cash.

Poor kids. Not even given the choice of going. But the ex is the baddie here, not their father who purposely excluded them from his wedding .

What a catch he sounds!

whenisnappedandfarted

well yes, whether the mum has been saying it or not, obviously that's what the child now thinks. I have said what I think is the best option personally, but I don't like the whole "the children WILL feel like this" because realistically we are strangers on the internet, we have no idea how the children will feel.

Not read the thread but I will be absolutely clear, getting married just the two of you without the children will probably be the biggest mistake you as a couple will ever make in regards to his children.

You could still go on holiday and skip the marriage part. Do it beforehand, or afterwards.

If you do go through with the plan, tell the DC in advance and don’t guilt trip them or try to “sell” the idea if they express anger, sadness or any other negative emotions.

I’m a stepchild. My dad got married without us kids and it was really hurtful. It’s a great big signal that you’re not part of their life.

I think it safe to say the OP won't listen. Which is a shame for the kids.
Easy to get married at a registry office mid week (and I'm yet to meet a kid that wouldn't take a day off school for almost any reason!), take a nice lunch, the man go off and have your abroad bit if you want....

Would add £300 on to your budget but would be £300 well spent...

You said yourself the wedding comes free with the holiday so it wouldn’t a problem to cancel now would it, hmm?

Joining in with the chorus of ‘you’re a right Emma’ 😂

Why would you want to marry a man like this

I think OP and her'D'H are cut from the same cloth - selfish and resentful of his children.

I find it quite weird that everyone thinks the children should be there. Nobody else is there, it's just them... I guess that means they don't love anyone or like any of their friends otherwise they'd be invited.

Tbh as a step child I wouldn't want to see my father get married to another woman.

I've booked in on the advice of my DP. He clearly didn't think the kids would be bothered.

You're in a partnership though. He might think that, but there's plenty of evidence on this thread that he could be horrendously wrong. Surely part of being in a relationship is calling your partner on something that they might have got wrong especially when it's important. TBF the kids might not think it will bother them, right now, but who knows how they will feel once it's a done deal.

You're betting all of £600 (let's call it that, though, like others, I can see it's easy enough to reduce that cost) on the fact that he's right. If he's right and you 'lose' that £600 because it turns out that the kids weren't that fussed after all, well, shucks. I assume £600 isn't life changing to you if you can book and pay for a destination wedding. Heck, bung it on a 0% credit card and pay it back over a year.

If he's wrong, and you spend £600 getting married before you go, then you've invested £600 in maintaining your DP's relationship with his kids. They will be happier, more secure and included. That seems like a huge win to me.

I don't want to pile on you, I was a step-mum very young and I made a lot of mistakes early doors. It's easy to do, but this one is avoidable and it seems so obvious to me that the potential cost of not changing your plans here is far worse than the cost of changing them.

The other thing is that if the kids' mum is not likely to be on board with supporting your choice and reassuring the kids, and I don't think she's obliged to do that at all, then I think thinking the kids will be ok with it, because of the attitudes of everyone around them, is severely flawed. Maybe you think that's on her, but again I'd say, it doesn't matter to the kids. They will just feel bad.

TBH, I struggle to believe two competent adults with any empathy can't see that the potential negatives to a plan like this far outweigh any minor cost/inconvenience that an adjustment in plans would cause.

Actually I would be upset that I didn't see my father remarry/marry his new girlfriend, because if he'd invited me I could have made it a shit day!

I'm also a stepchild. I lived with my father and stepmother, and they went off and got married without any of us three children. I was 10.

As a child, it upset me, quite a lot, but as an adult what I realise about it was that it was part of a much bigger pattern of behaviour which was them prioritising their relationship over their existing children.

Children aren't stupid; at the age your DH's are, they are more than able to read between the lines, particularly the 13 year old. It's not their mother who is telling them what to think and feel, they will be feeling things for themselves, and drawing their own conclusions.

Also, if you invite them to a registry office wedding and then they choose not to come, that's a very different state of affairs to not being invited to your father's wedding in the first place.

By all means do what you like, but do understand the message that it - very clearly - sends.

I have a sneaky suspicion that the poster who thought it was Emma was right especially when she said the dsc was a MNr I have to say I love the comment you're a right fucking Emma. You sound so cold. I wouldn't have excluded my dc and ex wouldn't have excluded ds in his wedding either.

But AllieDidNot the children are the only people whose needs and wants really need to be considered here - for both emotional and practical reasons.

This is definitely because you want to go away just the two of you without the kids. The wedding being thrown in is just a bonus for you, and you get to pretend it's just the two of you forever and always. Kids don't equal a romantic honeymoon, so you're going to great lengths to justify why they wouldn't want to be at their own father's first ever wedding. He didn't marry their mother but he's going to marry you - and you think that won't mean something to them? Or hurt them deeply that they're not involved? It's like one big "my old life was great and all, but this is my shiny new, legally committed one! And you're part of the old one so you're not invited!!!"

This thread gets worse. Poor poor kids.

This is one of the most pointless AIBU's ever given you are ignorning the majority of the advice and even if you weren't its pretty much all booked and in place anyway....

Yy to a a PP who said it's OK if DSC choose not to come. My DB didn't come to DM's wedding when we were late teens (DSis and I did). It was fine because we had a choice.

To add: I mean in addition to the Emma bride and groom obviously. Friends and other family members are irrelevant in comparison unless they’re dependents of the OP and her DH-to-be.

My ex had been married ( and divorced ) 3 times since we divorced . He didn’t invite our DC to his second or third wedding and they were both upset especially DD who wanted to be a BM. The fourth time they were invited to the evening do only ! They declined . He is getting married again early next year but DC aren’t going even if they are invited as the bride is younger than them !!
When DH and I got married all our DC were there ; wouldn’t have done it any other way. Sorry OP you are making a huge mistake . Plans can be changed and you should do so .