When do we tell DSC we're getting married?

[Whentotell123]

We're recently engaged and we've booked our wedding abroad so it'll just be the two of us. We then plan to have a big party when we return and everyone (including DSC) will be there.

We're unsure when to tell the DSC that we're marrying. The relationship with the kids is great but their Mum can be a little difficult at time. We know she's going to put negative things into their heads about my DP not loving them etc.

I know this because recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. When asked where this has come from she's said Mummy said so. There are multiple examples like this so it's not a one off.

DP will miss two afternoon visits to the DC when we're away. These don't affect overnight arrangements and are simply go out for dinner. DSiL has said she can have the children on those days so it doesn't affect their Mum too much but I still am debating when is the best time to tell her?

We're booked to marry end of April so I was thinking maybe tell in February time. Or we were debating about just going on holiday then surprise them with the party. What's best?

DSC are aged 13, 10 and 6.

Just looked at West Sussex randomly. You can get married in Crawley in the room for max 30 guests at under £300 including the registrar fees.

Don't do this. It's a really stupid idea and the children may never forgive you

but you would still have romantic wedding pictures without them? even if theyre biologically both parents children I don't see the uproar with having romantic wedding pics alone?!

First I knew about my dad getting re-married was when 2 pieces of wedding cake and a generic "best wishes" card came through the post for me and my brother.

I have a great relationship with my dad, but it still stings nearly over 35 years later. Very much felt unwanted and surplus to requirements.

Getting married without them is a seriously stupid thing to do, given that they already suspect that he doesn't love then. DHs mother did this and he still recalls it as an example of the shit things she did when he was a child. The excuse that they can't take a day off school is a poor excuse considering they are primary school age. Either way, even if they don't want to or can't take the day off at least they will know that you wanted them at the wedding which is the main thing. You are being amazingly selfish.

You are not marrying a single guy though but a man who has 3 children. You couldn’t try harder to present yourself as the wicked stepmother, than you already do. If there is Karma, you’ll have kids and your DH dumps you in a few years. Then, you and your children face the same shitty me-me attitude from a man who is a self-centred father without a clue about his children’s feelings and a manipulative and utterly selfish new stepmother. You don’t have to get married on those holidays, despite what you keep saying. It’s a freebee thrown in with a trip, which could still be your honeymoon. You can easily book a simple wedding ceremony before that includes the children. You however want it to just the two of you.

its booked for abroad now
You have hundreds of posts imploring you to think again. Please just have a blessing in its place without the legal binding.

I’m judging your fiancée rather than you. You aren’t the bio parent. But you are the stepmum. And if you want to have a good relationship with these children you will marry with them present even if it means you marry after the honeymoon.

Having another child is fine if your existing children's needs are met, they should always come before a hypothetical future child. As it stands, I don’t think OP’s future husband should be contemplating having another child given how he treats his existing children.

Children are very resilient - wtf would you know about DC OP? You very clearly don't have your own. When your DH leaves you and your DC and disappears off to marry the next one, without including your DC, come back and let us know how resilient your DC are then.

their needs are met, them not being at a wedding is not neglect is it?

you have no idea how he treats the children generally considering this is 1 day out of their entire lives.

I don't think you can say based on this thread that he and op shouldn't have any more children. I think that's incredibly unfair.

VIle. Children should never be put in situations where they have to ‘be resilient’, I say that as someone’s whose parent chose to marry someone else (he’s nothing to do with me, not a ‘stepparent’, just as your boyfriends kids will view you.)
You can absolutely change things, you’re choosing not to. And all registry offices MUST offer the legal part only, which as many posters have told you, is less than £100. Stop embarrassing yourself.

@Bonjourfreddie

I have had this opinion on MN myself. I felt like I was wrong for having a second relationship after my ex-husband and even more wrong for ttc with him. Especially as I'm almost 39 and my boys are now 9 and 12. It would be foolish and unfair on the children! Fiancé has always dreamed of a child of his own.

"I wanted opinions on when to tell the kids and it seems sooner is better so we will do just that."

lol. No one even really commented on the "tell them sooner or later" thing because there were more screamingly obvious problems with your plans.

This is what you wrote:

"recently we've had DSD in tears asking why DP loves them less now he is getting married. "

I think given that you told us this, it's understandable people replying, "maybe you should include your step kids in your plans".

• Our local registry office charges £600. It's in London so perhaps that's why it's more expensive.

Either way it's all booked for abroad now so there's not much we can do. I think we will tell them sooner and explain to them the reasons why we're just doing the wedding whilst on holiday.

I will get them involved with the planning of the party and they'll get wedding outfits and help choose the entertainment etc so they will feel involved.

I'd be interested to know from the responses how many are SM? I have a feeling some responses may be the typical MN users.*

Honestly can't believe you're considering jacking in your and their father's relationship with a 13 (prob 14 by then), 10 (11) and 6 (7) yr old by being so selfish.

If the marriage is just a formality / piece of paper to you and your DP, then a cheaper registry office wedding on a week day, and a party prior to going on your honeymoon / having your wedding wherever you're going would be a totally acceptable way of managing this far better and in the interests of your DSC. You say your DP and their mum were never married?? All the more reason to include them. You're asking when to tell them so you can absolve your guilt at not including them. Do the right thing and compromise - the relationship you and your DP have with their mum will only get worse if you fuck this up.

I also think its unfair to proclaim that the children WILL BE hurt, and WILL hate op and their dad.

Not all children would feel like this. Some would, sure, but we as strangers cannot say for definite HOW they will feel.

I for one couldn't have cared less if my mum invited me to her wedding or not, I love her and my step dad but it was about them, not me!

It's almost like you want to wreck the children's relationship with their dad, so that you and your potential new baby can have him all to yourselves

This

I really think you should look at all the responses from adult children who are still hurt from this behaviour OP.

Then look at your 'D'P and realise that he's happy to put what you two want to do ahead of the children's feelings.

Then realise that if you have a child with him you will always be fighting to get him to put that child first because you know deep down that if he has a choice, he wont.

Or maybe you're daft enough to believe it will be different because this will be with you.

But hey, you've booked it and all you're interested in is this destination wedding going the way you envisioned it. Your excuses re. school/hobbies and everything are woeful.

@Bonjourfreddie - and how old were you when your mum and step dad married?

Ffs crack on with it OP but don't try and moan when DCS mum says something or if the relationship with the children suffers because of it. You've made your bed, lie in it.

I was a teenager!

(She actually was married to another "step dad" previously who I wasn't a massive fan of, and I was about 8? then I think and I wouldn't have been bothered then either!)

You are a total fucking Emma has become my insult of the day.

Which I realise missed the point by some distance, but since there’s no point answering the OP’s question at least I’ve got something out of the thread.

Children are very resilient and I think adults can often make things worse.

Said the non-parent adult who is actively making things worse.

Wow.

Poor kids.

What everyone said - you and your boyfriend are being cruel OP.

This is appalling. You and your DP are utterly selfish and I thinking about the children’s feelings.

I’m a SM and I would NEVER exclude them from such a big life event. You’ve booked it and it’s too late to do anything about it, but it’s an awful, hurtful and selfish way to handle yourselves.

Those poor children

You're a right fucking Emma, OP.

I agree with pps. I wouldn’t want to marry and have a baby with a man who is so cavalier with his existing children’s feelings. Yes children , like all of us, can be resilient, but why would you want them to have to use their resilience ? Your fiancé should be putting his children first, not you, not both your desires for a wedding abroad, not your ridiculous notion that children can’t take one day off school FOR THEIR FATHER’S WEDDING. I think their mother is right, their father is more absorbed by you than his own children. You reap what you sow op.