..To give my baby my surname?

[aimray12]

Hi all

I'm having a bit of a personal dilemma here. 16 weeks pregnant, recently broken up with the father - my choice. I broke up with him because he has been a useless boyfriend in terms of commitment and keeping his word. He continually lets me down when he makes plans with me, by either rescheduling or cancelling at the last minute - and then tries to make up for it threefold - which also ends up crumbling down for whatever reason he's got this time. After nearly a year of this I gave up altogether, but I see him every day because we also work together. It was seeing each other outside of work that was the problem - he never had time for me or the baby, his friends always came first.

So, taking all this into account, I want our baby to share my last name. The baby will be living with me, I'll be dropping my hours to part time in order to spend more time at home with the baby, I'll be the primary caregiver at the end of the day and I don't trust him to be a consistently reliable father at this point tbh, judging by the way he's been remorselessly treating me. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, of course. And he's fuming about the name thing. He thinks it should at least be double barrelled. My mum is urging me to stick to my guns on this because for all I know, I could well end up having to do this all on my own, and besides, some of my friends have told me that this'll make it easier paperwork wise aswell for ID and things.

The father thinks my reasons are ridiculous and it's backing down on this. I'm trying to be as diplomatic as I possibly can even though I don't need his permission to do this, but it has me second guessing myself now. Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think so. A couple of my colleagues seem to think so. We're unmarried and he has a LOT to prove, why should I take that chance? I'm right, right?

You are having the baby, and a baby should have its mother's name imho.

You’re right, your mum is right. Give your baby your name.

I personally believe that, unless married and the woman has the husbands name, the children should default to the mother’s surname. It’s ridiculous he thinks he has a right to it, especially given he is apparently useless.

Stick to your guns. Don’t double barrel either!

Names are a tricky one and I’ve been in a similar situation. Originally I gave my dd my surname but we’re talking about greater commitments and marriage is one of them. I’d double barrel my name I think. DP wants our DD to have the double barrel. It’s a bit of a pain getting it changed after you’ve registered the name I’ve heard.

Totally understand why you’d choose yours though.

I’d stop discussing it with others tbh. Nothing to stop you going ahead and registering the birth in his absence, and choosing whatever name you like.

You are right. Some people sadly think tradition trumps everything. If at some point in the future your child wants to add in their fathers name they can, but for now, you are the one with a solid plan to commit to your child - you should share a name.

I agree, who cares what your colleagues think? They're not the ones who'll be changing the baby's bum etc etc.

You are being reasonable, logical and practical. Stay strong and good luck with the baby. Keep the discussion to a minimum, you don't need the stress.

Definitely give baby your name!!

You’d be deeply silly to give the baby his name.

I wasn’t married to my dp I had my dd gave her my last name (he sort of agreed easily because he doesn’t like his) beyond glad I did now because less than a year later he slept with my best friend 😒 give the child your last name you won’t regret it...the annoyance I would have felt every time I had to write won’t his last name on forms would have bugged me.

You risk your health to grow and birth the baby, you'll do the lion share of work for the next 18+ years. He may not even be around in 12 months.

What's he done so far? A couple minutes of average and a whole lotta belly aching at a pregnant woman about selfish, egotistical nonsense.

Give baby your name.

God I wish I had. 🤔

Give that baby your name.

(And consider leaving him off the birth certificate).

You have to give the baby your name! You’re the only committed parent they’ve got.

YANBU. I agree with previous posters that you’re right and your mother is right. It honestly doesn’t sound like you’ll be getting back together so at best you’ll be co-parenting and at worst, he may not be on the scene at all in a few years (of course I hope not, but it pays to think of all eventualities if you’re going to do something like give your child the surname or someone you’re not dating at all). You do not want to saddle yourself with all the inconvenience of having a different surname than your child when it comes to registering them for things or traveling with them, so I would definitely use your own and not double-barrel it.

The baby should ALWAYS have the mother’s surname imo. No compromising.

Traditionally, and very sensibly, if women are unmarried, their children should always be given their surname. If they're married it's a discussion they must have.

I don't understand why so many women give their child their partner's surname. It didn't occur to me to do so.

Your name. I know too many people who made the mistake of caving to tradition who can’t get the “father” to sign for passports, etc. I hate to say this, but if at 16 weeks you are already seeing signs of selfishness, he will probably go all googoo-eyed and romantic when he sees the baby and promise you the world - until reality sets in and it begins to affect his life (probably within the first three months) and he will start forgetting that you and the baby exist when he wants to party again. Just don’t fall for it. Stick to your plans. If you want to compromise, use his name as a middle name. But I wouldn’t bother.

My daughters have my name and funnily enough my husband (not my daughters' dad) has his mum's name!

All of my children have my surname. It is absolutely fine for baby to have your surname in any case but particularly wise in your situation.

This annoys me - Tradition is NOT the fathers name.

Tradition is the mothers name. It’s just that the mother has always in the past been married so has the same name as the father.

When the baby is born in hospital it will be given your name. There is no way I’d give a baby someone else’s surname.
It would have mine!

Yanbu. My daughter's have my name. I have my mum's. I'd stop discussing it with others to be honest because I doubt they'll agree. Just do it once baby is born.

Your surname.

And if you’re counting on him for financial support while you drop your hours, please reconsider. Keep your full wage and your full pension contributions.

Changing your baby's name from yours to the father's should things change will be easy.

Changing it from the father's if he doesn't agree is not possible.

Your name and register baby on your own.

Funny thing is that it's NOT traditional for children to have their fathers' surname at all. Unmarried women always gave them their own surname and married women changed their surnames on marriage.
If you aren't in a relationship with this man you owe him zero consideration of his wishes on this matter. Surnames are a pretty clear choice - one parent or the other, or both. Both is still uncommon enough that you should feel no pressure to consider it and leaving that - why on Earth would you choose his over yours??

Agree the baby should have your name. Worth looking into the legals of registering the birth where you are though, in Scotland if you aren't married I'm pretty sure you have to have both parents there and consenting to the name choice. If not the mum does it alone leaving the dads part blank, which then means he won't be classed as a responsible parent in law so can't claim child maintenance etc. I think it is slightly different in England, Wales and Ireland though.

Might not make a difference to you at this stage but thought it was worth mentioning.