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AIBU?

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Original poster

..To give my baby my surname?

129 replies

aimray12 · 20/08/2019 22:14

Hi all

I'm having a bit of a personal dilemma here. 16 weeks pregnant, recently broken up with the father - my choice. I broke up with him because he has been a useless boyfriend in terms of commitment and keeping his word. He continually lets me down when he makes plans with me, by either rescheduling or cancelling at the last minute - and then tries to make up for it threefold - which also ends up crumbling down for whatever reason he's got this time. After nearly a year of this I gave up altogether, but I see him every day because we also work together. It was seeing each other outside of work that was the problem - he never had time for me or the baby, his friends always came first.

So, taking all this into account, I want our baby to share my last name. The baby will be living with me, I'll be dropping my hours to part time in order to spend more time at home with the baby, I'll be the primary caregiver at the end of the day and I don't trust him to be a consistently reliable father at this point tbh, judging by the way he's been remorselessly treating me. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, of course. And he's fuming about the name thing. He thinks it should at least be double barrelled. My mum is urging me to stick to my guns on this because for all I know, I could well end up having to do this all on my own, and besides, some of my friends have told me that this'll make it easier paperwork wise aswell for ID and things.

The father thinks my reasons are ridiculous and it's backing down on this. I'm trying to be as diplomatic as I possibly can even though I don't need his permission to do this, but it has me second guessing myself now. Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think so. A couple of my colleagues seem to think so. We're unmarried and he has a LOT to prove, why should I take that chance? I'm right, right?

OP posts:
cheesydoesit · 20/08/2019 22:44

Drives me mad too Sl33py, no way would I give my baby its fathers name if it were different to mine.

I agree with PP, give the baby your name, no need to discuss it with anyone else and as you aren't married the baby cannot be registered without you there. If you need support then go and register the baby with your mum. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

HermioneKipper · 20/08/2019 22:45

Yep absolutely your surname. You’ll likely be doing the lions share of everything by the sounds of it so should be your name

Mummyshark2018 · 20/08/2019 22:48

Unless married and you take another name baby should have your name imho. No way would I want a different surname to my child.

Brainfogmcfogface · 20/08/2019 22:50

Give the baby your name. I’m a single mum and my kids have my name, it’s so much easier logistically as well as mentally. Almost all the mothers I know who gave the child/ren the dads name when they weren’t married have regretted it.

lossie1993 · 20/08/2019 22:52

The baby should have your surname but by all means the father on the birth certificate, I can't stand these women that deny their child their fathers name on their certificate because "we aren't together" or "he's a sperm doner" I'm not saying that's what you're saying but yeh...

Brainfogmcfogface · 20/08/2019 22:54

KT2019
In England the father doesn’t have to be on the BC to claim maintenance. If the father denies paternity they have to take a paternity test.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 20/08/2019 22:56

It’s traditional for a baby to have its mother’s name but traditionally most the mother also has the father’s name too. So tradition is on your side here.

NemosPoorlyFinn · 20/08/2019 22:56

100% give the baby your surname
It's exactly what I did and Iv never regretted it

Sexy90 · 20/08/2019 22:58

I’d double-barrel. You don’t know if he’ll be a good father or not. To be so forceful about something as big as a surname isn’t going to start your parenting relationship on the best footing and at least if you use both names then it’s fair

HeyThereSummerRain · 20/08/2019 22:59

Definitely your name.

Far too many times on here there are issues with the child having the father's surname when they are not married to the mother.

teddylovescustard · 20/08/2019 22:59

I fully agree with everyone that the baby should have your name, more so because if it were me and he treated my dc and I like crap I'd be raging at seeing his name all the time. You are absolutely right to not trust him, given his behaviour so far.

But can someone please explain why? I've never fully understood why it's so important? Can the father literally stop you from getting your dc a passport without their consent?

Genuinely interested to know.

justbeingadad · 20/08/2019 23:03

Without a doubt, your child should have your family name. You could potentially give your child his family name as a middle name. I know a number of children with this and while is it somewhat unusual, it has no impact to their day to day life but also goes a long way to showing compromise and also giving your child a part of their father. He may be useless and everything else, but your child might appreciate it in 20/30/40 years time.

It also gives the child the option to informally double-barrel their name in the future.

MrsWalkz · 20/08/2019 23:05

Not with the majority on this but more down to the point of people advising you to register baby without him on the birth certificate bi think that's more out of order than the surname thing......a shitty boyfriend to you doesn't mean he's gonna be a shitty dad. He may well be but then if he's been shitty to you it's even more likely that anything he does that you don't like or agree with will make him "a shitty dad" in your eyes.

Those saying 'I wouldn't want to be looking at his surname every time if I gave it to my kids etc' 🙄 and I suppose it wouldn't matter too much to you if your child was his/her dads double lol. Sorry but just see that as a bit childish.

jelly79 · 20/08/2019 23:06

Definitely your name x

user1488622199 · 20/08/2019 23:06

Ffs, I didn’t know it was traditional for children to have their mothers name. I’m married but have kept my maiden name. My husband and I argued endlessly about it and it seemed tradition was at the heart of it and the children have ended up with his stupid surname. He was prepared to double barrel to be fair (I didn’t want to).

Have massively digressed there op, sorry. Completely agree with everyone else on this thread - give the baby your name. I gave my children my maiden name as a middle name, you could compromise that way?

EL8888 · 20/08/2019 23:09

Your surname. It’s no one else’s business plus he sounds flaky already which doesn’t bode well. Plus you are the one doing all of the hard work

LatteLove · 20/08/2019 23:13

Babies should have the mother’s surname IMO. I’ve never got why if both parents have different surnames that it’s much more often the father’s name given to the baby.

In hospital the baby will be “baby your surname”

LightDrizzle · 20/08/2019 23:13

Your name. There are no good reasons to do otherwise.
I'd just stop discussing it, there's no point, then register the baby with your name.

WhoLettheCatOut · 20/08/2019 23:14

My babies have my name and I'm married and still with their dad. It's your choice. People think it's weird but in your circumstances I suspect it will make life a lot easier so do what you think is best!

PicsInRed · 20/08/2019 23:17

Unmarried father inclusion on birth certificate confers parental responsibility. If he then fucks off ne'er to be seen or heard from again, it creates a massive 18 year long administrative headache for the mother (and child).

If he wants PR, he can apply to family court and it will be granted except in the most exceptional circumstances. Having to take that step weeds out the truly feckless.*

*This one already seems truly feckless.

MoreSlidingDoors · 20/08/2019 23:21

You do not want to saddle yourself with all the inconvenience of having a different surname than your child when it comes to registering them for things or traveling with them,

DD is almost 9. I’m yet to experience this inconvenience and we’ve travelled around the world since she was tiny.

DH and I both kept our names on marriage and DD shares his surname with mine as a middle name. It’s no hassle at all.

quizqueen · 20/08/2019 23:22

Why do women keep having babies by useless men when decent contraceptives are so readily available!.

PanamaPattie · 20/08/2019 23:30

After nearly a year of him letting you down, you still slept with him and now you are 16 weeks pregnant. Have I read that correctly?

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 20/08/2019 23:32

Under no circumstances give your baby his name. Your name only. I would go so far as to not name him on the BC either. If he’s serious about having PR he will pursue it

TheCraicDealer · 20/08/2019 23:36

He continually lets me down when he makes plans with me, by either rescheduling or cancelling at the last minute - and then tries to make up for it threefold - which also ends up crumbling down for whatever reason he's got this time.

he never had time for me or the baby, his friends always came first.

The writing is on the wall here. Yes he may well see the light when baby is here, realise he's a grownup and a father and start acting accordingly. But let's face it, based on his past behaviour that's unlikely. And he won't just be letting you down, he'll be letting his child down.

Passing on his surname is a privilege, not a right. He hasn't shown you any reason why he should be afforded that privilege over the woman who is carrying and will actually be raising the child- that's you! Tell him they're getting your name, and you'll think about double barrelling when they hit nursery age if he's still bothered- if he surprises you and sticks around then you might have something to talk about.

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