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AIBU?

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Original poster

..To give my baby my surname?

129 replies

aimray12 · 20/08/2019 22:14

Hi all

I'm having a bit of a personal dilemma here. 16 weeks pregnant, recently broken up with the father - my choice. I broke up with him because he has been a useless boyfriend in terms of commitment and keeping his word. He continually lets me down when he makes plans with me, by either rescheduling or cancelling at the last minute - and then tries to make up for it threefold - which also ends up crumbling down for whatever reason he's got this time. After nearly a year of this I gave up altogether, but I see him every day because we also work together. It was seeing each other outside of work that was the problem - he never had time for me or the baby, his friends always came first.

So, taking all this into account, I want our baby to share my last name. The baby will be living with me, I'll be dropping my hours to part time in order to spend more time at home with the baby, I'll be the primary caregiver at the end of the day and I don't trust him to be a consistently reliable father at this point tbh, judging by the way he's been remorselessly treating me. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, of course. And he's fuming about the name thing. He thinks it should at least be double barrelled. My mum is urging me to stick to my guns on this because for all I know, I could well end up having to do this all on my own, and besides, some of my friends have told me that this'll make it easier paperwork wise aswell for ID and things.

The father thinks my reasons are ridiculous and it's backing down on this. I'm trying to be as diplomatic as I possibly can even though I don't need his permission to do this, but it has me second guessing myself now. Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think so. A couple of my colleagues seem to think so. We're unmarried and he has a LOT to prove, why should I take that chance? I'm right, right?

OP posts:
NamiSwan · 21/08/2019 12:19

I will also add, I didn't take my husband's name on marriage and our children have his name (my choice, for various reasons I didn't want double barreled). It is a pain if you are travelling by yourself with your kids - I have to take my children's birth certificates if I travel without my DH. Personally I don't mind as the choice I made regarding their surname is one I don't regret, but my situation is entirely different, and in your case I would definitely just for my child my own name.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 21/08/2019 12:23

Yes, you are absolutely right! Children’s surnames don’t revert to the patriarchal ‘norm’ by default. Neither, for that matter, do a wife’s.

AngelsSins · 21/08/2019 12:24

There is literally not a single good reason to give the baby his name, it’s all just about his ego, and unfortunately you will find a lot of people (such as your work colleagues) do pander to a man’s ego.

Just remind everyone that traditionally, children have the same name as their mother, not their father.

neverornow · 21/08/2019 12:25

Yes, in a case like yours I think the baby should have your name.

I wouldn't let on that you plan on doing this to your now ex. Just keep quiet about it until he asks/ if he asks. It may not even occur to him

Good luck with everything!

Bbang · 21/08/2019 12:26

Listen to your mum. She knows best, my biggest regret is being too scared to stand up for me and my son and insist on his surname being mine.

As it stands he disappeared after the birth and only came back periodically to bully and abuse me some more, eight years later and he still doesn’t bother with our son and financially abuses him by withholding maintenance etc.

Seriously wish I’d stuck to my guns and given him my surname, now we’re waiting until my son is old enough to change his own name (his idea not mine) give the baby your name you’ll never regret it.

ReturnofSaturn · 21/08/2019 12:31

Eh? You're the one having the baby, you're the one that will be looking after it. Of course it should have your name.

Doesn't even need questioning IMO.

ellendegeneres · 21/08/2019 12:54

Your name.
Ds2 had mine from birth. His dad and I aren’t together and weren’t from pregnancy. When ds was born he tried to convince me to give him his name- I said no. He was named on the bc though, because I knew he’d be involved. He already had a dc who was the centre of his universe.

Roll on two years we did a deed poll for our son and it’s now double barrelled. Was really easy, and cheap so ex says. But I wasn’t going to do it without having proof that he was an involved parent.

MulticolourMophead · 22/08/2019 09:47

Give the child your surname. I regret not insisting.

Don't put him on the BC. If he proves he's a good dad, he can get PR at a later date. Dont leave yourself open to hassle from a feckless dad.

And your child will still know who their dad is, as you can tell them when they are old enough, so don't listen to those who insist that you need to add this feckless bloke to the BC just for that.

This man doesn't need to be on the BC for you to claim maintenance.

Sarahisthatyou · 22/08/2019 20:32

Your name spare yourself the hassle of having to carry around a birth cert or a letter of permission every time you travel because you have a different surname! You are far more likely to be questioned if you have a different surname at the airport , ferry terminal, wherever. You’ve spilt up with this bloke, god knows if he’ll stick around long enough to earn the name father.

NotEnoughTime · 22/08/2019 21:00

You are def. not being unreasonable. To be honest I would think it more 'strange' (for want of a better word) if you didn't give your baby your surname!

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Flamingnora123 · 22/08/2019 21:42

So he's been unreliable and let you down consistently. What makes you think he will be different to the baby?

If course the baby should have your name. There is no reason whatsoever the baby should have his name. At a push you could double barrel but I'd stick to your guns.

Is there any part of you that thinks he deserves to share a name with your child, which you care for and sacrifice for, while you have a different name? What will you tell the kid when he/she is older? "well darling, your father was unreliable and let me down all the time. But I thought it was a good idea to name you after him."
No no no. Do not support or validate his misogyny.

june2007 · 22/08/2019 23:23

I would go double barrelled.

100timewforgotten · 22/08/2019 23:30

Definitely give the baby your surname.

Coliebean28 · 23/08/2019 06:53

100% baby should have your name... Both my children have my name and when I got married we double barrelled.

LondonParent411 · 16/11/2019 20:34

I’m new to this site. How do I start a new thread so people can comment on the baby names I’ve chosen? Thanks

YouJustDoYou · 16/11/2019 20:45

A baby doesn't have to have the father's name. Especially as you will have zero matrimonial ties to said father- give the child your name. Never, ever, name a baby with father's surname if you're not married.

ThisMomentIsMyLife · 16/11/2019 20:59

Give the baby your name. My friend’s son used to fret about not having the same name as his mum especially as he rarely saw the dad (dad’s own choice). If you have other children with a new man your child will want the same name as siblings (all kids with your name or other kids with your/baby’s name double barrelled with new man’s name).

Chlosavxox · 16/11/2019 21:16

I think the baby should have your name Smile you're the one who's giving birth to the baby and he/she will be living with you. Plus when you go on holidays etc it'll be a lot easier if you share the same surname

Span1elsRock · 16/11/2019 21:26

So he can't show you one ounce of commitment, but he wants things on his terms?

I wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate or give the baby his name. That's a right he needs to earn....... not one he's entitled to.

And I'd look at changing your job to put some distance between you - he could be a complete PITA if you're going back to work after the baby arrives.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/11/2019 21:37

Give the baby your surname. Your mum is right, stuck to your guns

doleritedinosaur · 16/11/2019 21:45

I’ve been with my OH nearly 6 years, we’re engaged, all 3 of our children have MY name, I was the one pregnant & gave birth, he’s on the birth certificate but I didn’t want what my SIL had when they were at the airport coming home,
Border control asked my niece
“who is that woman next to you?”

So bloody demeaning.

If he kicks off, just register the baby without him then add him to the birth certificate after, he does have a lot to prove, give the baby your name.

fivecupsoftea · 16/11/2019 21:45

I have the opposite view. It will be in your child’s best interests to have their father involved in their life, and have a relationship with him. I would consider double barrelled. You will also need to maintain a good relationship with the father if possible to facilitate his involvement, compromising on this could help that, and therefore the compromise could be in your child’s best interests.

RumpyBall · 16/11/2019 21:55

I double barrelled with my first and it was a big mistake.

My second has my surname only and I made it clear from the beginning that that’s how it would be and stuck to my guns.

dontalltalkatonce · 16/11/2019 22:06

Nope, stick to your guns! Baby has your surname. The end. I wouldn't even put him on the birth certificate.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 16/11/2019 22:09

You're giving birth to them, they should have your name.

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