..To give my baby my surname?

[aimray12]

Hi all

I'm having a bit of a personal dilemma here. 16 weeks pregnant, recently broken up with the father - my choice. I broke up with him because he has been a useless boyfriend in terms of commitment and keeping his word. He continually lets me down when he makes plans with me, by either rescheduling or cancelling at the last minute - and then tries to make up for it threefold - which also ends up crumbling down for whatever reason he's got this time. After nearly a year of this I gave up altogether, but I see him every day because we also work together. It was seeing each other outside of work that was the problem - he never had time for me or the baby, his friends always came first.

So, taking all this into account, I want our baby to share my last name. The baby will be living with me, I'll be dropping my hours to part time in order to spend more time at home with the baby, I'll be the primary caregiver at the end of the day and I don't trust him to be a consistently reliable father at this point tbh, judging by the way he's been remorselessly treating me. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, of course. And he's fuming about the name thing. He thinks it should at least be double barrelled. My mum is urging me to stick to my guns on this because for all I know, I could well end up having to do this all on my own, and besides, some of my friends have told me that this'll make it easier paperwork wise aswell for ID and things.

The father thinks my reasons are ridiculous and it's backing down on this. I'm trying to be as diplomatic as I possibly can even though I don't need his permission to do this, but it has me second guessing myself now. Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think so. A couple of my colleagues seem to think so. We're unmarried and he has a LOT to prove, why should I take that chance? I'm right, right?

DH and i were happily married when dd arrived. She has my surname. No reason she shouldn’t. We personally decide to leave it to chance, but if we weren’t married, it would have been my name without question.

All my children have my surname. Happily married to DH who kept his name but there is no reason in the world why my children should not have my surname!

First of all, nobody gives a shit if your other colleagues think this is fair or not. It's laughable that they think their opinion matters in the slightest because it doesn't. It's really none of their business - don't give them the impression that they have a say in anything! I wouldn't discuss anything personal with them, it could get messy and stressful. Tell them all to butt out.

Secondly, YANBU at all. This guy sounds flakey and immature. Yes, he may step up once the baby arrives, but in the meantime you need to continue as you are and keep making decisions that are best for you and the baby, and plan for him to not be involved. Why on earth shouldn't the baby have your surname? Unless you are married to the dad I think it's pretty standard for the baby to have the mother's surname.

If he so desperately wanted an equal say in everything and wanted to be so involved then I don't think you would have ended it. He would have already shown you how much he cares. He has failed to do that. His choice, not yours. Good for you for not taking his shit and stepping out on your own. You're going to be a great mother x

I put my eldest in my name as we had split. Best thing I ever did. I did put him on bc which means he has rights but he has been absent for over half dcs life. Tell him it's not up for discussion and if he keeps harassing you then he won't be on it at all. By having your name if you travel abroad its much easier as its the same if has his then you will need birth certificate for you and dc to prove your the mother alongside passport. My youngest has mine and partners name but only because we are a couple and not had an issue travelling but then we all travel together. Don't be bullied into it. Your baby will live with you and I personally feel unless your married or plan to be married use your name. If things later work out and you marry him you can change babies name if not think about if you have future children. This baby will feel the odd one out.

I would 100% always give a baby my name.

All of mine have my name EXDP and family didn't like it as DSS had EXDP surname.

For first child I didn't take him to registration, I got him to swear at a sols office instead as I didn't want him pressuring me.

Maybe take your mum with you to register.

I didn't want to take children with a different surname to school every day.

YANBU. Your child can add in the father's name later if they want to. It makes things much simpler if you share a surname with your child.

I'd never give my baby a surname I don't share.

He's been a crap boyfriend and you worry he may be a crap father, so there is literally no reason to give the baby his name. But even if he were brilliant it'd still be your choice and there is no way I'd be going for his name.

Stick to your guns, baby should absolutely have your name. I know someone who had a baby with someone and double barrelled and relationship broke down (to be fair he isn't now actually a terrible dad and part of child life) but she learned and her next child (different father) was given her name only.

It's much easier for you both - you know you will be the constant in your baby's life.

You are completely reasonable.

If I had my time back I would have given my dc's my name.
Partner and I are still together and had planned to get married (life seems to have passed us by and this is yet to happen).
Every single form, doctors, school, they have that name and I just wished it was the same name as mine.

My ex was useless whilst i was pregnant, we split up when LO was 3 weeks old. Has my surname and it was the best decision. Makes life so much easier.

Of course you give the baby your surname. Why would you ever dream of not doing so??

Definitely give baby your surname. I would have if we weren't married.

My sister gave her DD her boyfriends surname who has now left them and moved abroad, doesn't pay child support and hardly ever his DD. She's been stopped at airports every time she's tried to leave the EU and had to show DD's birth certificate. They wouldn't let her go to Dubai even with her DD's birth certificate, they said they needed a signed letter from her ex. Ex refuses to let DS change the name.

Yoi don’t live together, You have (rightly) dumped him, you are planning single motherhood.

So many single mothers are on MN regretting not having given their baby their name.

Give the baby the Dad’s name as an extra middle name if he looks like staying around enough to be even a little present in the baby’s life but stop discussing it now, don’t tell him you are considering it . All you will do is tell him how to temporarily adjust his behaviour to get his way.

100% give your surname. Do not double barrel. I gave my DD my name even though I was 'happily' with DP, who is now exP, pays no maintenance, I'm glad she has my name. Much easier all round.

Definitely your surname

My DD has my surname and we're still together (although not married), why would you even consider giving your baby this useless man's name? I'd use yours and don't put him on the birth certificate. Will make life easier if he disappears but can be altered if he steps up to be a good father

You don't have to give the baby either of your surnames.

People don't seem to realise this. When a new human enters the world you can give it whatever names you like, there is no law (in the UK) to say anything about it at all. A friend have her daughter a completely new (and lovely) surname because she didn't like her own and she wouldn't have given her the father's.

So stop consulting your workmates about your big life decisions, resist the patriarchy and don't stamp your child with the name of this loser.

Ds has my surname. I am with my partner but we aren't married, and even if we were to marry I wouldn't change my name. I like my name!

Absolutely give the baby your surname!! It's the most sensible option

I wish I'd given my children my surname.

Agree with PPs--your own name.
I'd strongly recommend leaving him off the birth certificate. The reasons are if you want to get passports and travel abroad with your child, you have to get his permission (and signature). If he really wants parental responsibility, he'd have to take you court if not on BC. Very few men do this. And if he did, it would show commitment to his baby.
He already is a flake, do you really think he'll change for the baby? Unlikely. He'll just end up letting your child down.

Been here, use your surname. Double-barrel was pointless, fortunately in my case it was long enough ago that I was able to change it to just my surname. Child is now adult and has kept my surname & wouldn't change it.

Oh course the baby should have your surname. Your baby, your name. If you happened to have married him AND changed your name to his then the baby would presumably have that name, but it sounds like that's very unlikely to happen.

A baby should always have the mother's name.