..To give my baby my surname?

[aimray12]

Hi all

I'm having a bit of a personal dilemma here. 16 weeks pregnant, recently broken up with the father - my choice. I broke up with him because he has been a useless boyfriend in terms of commitment and keeping his word. He continually lets me down when he makes plans with me, by either rescheduling or cancelling at the last minute - and then tries to make up for it threefold - which also ends up crumbling down for whatever reason he's got this time. After nearly a year of this I gave up altogether, but I see him every day because we also work together. It was seeing each other outside of work that was the problem - he never had time for me or the baby, his friends always came first.

So, taking all this into account, I want our baby to share my last name. The baby will be living with me, I'll be dropping my hours to part time in order to spend more time at home with the baby, I'll be the primary caregiver at the end of the day and I don't trust him to be a consistently reliable father at this point tbh, judging by the way he's been remorselessly treating me. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, of course. And he's fuming about the name thing. He thinks it should at least be double barrelled. My mum is urging me to stick to my guns on this because for all I know, I could well end up having to do this all on my own, and besides, some of my friends have told me that this'll make it easier paperwork wise aswell for ID and things.

The father thinks my reasons are ridiculous and it's backing down on this. I'm trying to be as diplomatic as I possibly can even though I don't need his permission to do this, but it has me second guessing myself now. Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think so. A couple of my colleagues seem to think so. We're unmarried and he has a LOT to prove, why should I take that chance? I'm right, right?

In your circumstances I’d register the baby in your surname and not put him on the birth certificate.

I know many mums who seriously regret not doing it that way due to all the problems the other way brings.

You’d be incredibly unreasonable NOT to give the baby your name.

You are absolutely right. People have a weird thing about tradition being 'right's at all costs, even when its not practical. Why should he baby have his name, just because hes the man? When he is going to be in the baby's life less than you are?

From your point of view, it is annoying when you have a different name to the baby, things like flights (border control advised me I will need to take birth certificate with me), every single appointment you make for the baby, every single form you fill out, people will call you Mrs. Ex's name. I say this as someone who kept my name when I got married and I dont mind as I am still with the father but it would really grate if we weren't together

From the baby's point of view they might question why they live with you but dont have your name. If i was you instead of double barrelled (unless the names go together very nicely) I would maybe compromise and offer his surname to be a middle name next to yours. It's not often you HAVE to use a middle name but people can if they want so it gives the baby an element of choice when they are older.

Please dont listen to your colleagues though it is completely nothing to do with them

Tradition is the mothers name. It’s just that the mother has always in the past been married so has the same name as the father.

This is absolutely right. Tradition was marriage first, woman changes her name, then children arrive and are given that name. I love how so many men pick and choose bits of “tradition” when it suits them....

No way would my children not have the name I use.....and why on earth do you care what colleagues think? Stick your guns.

Your surname. I hate that my nieces and nephews have different surnames to their mothers.

YANBU, all of my children have my surname and I was married to their Father. I kept my maiden name and wanted them to have it too.

I am married and the children of the marriage have DH’s family name. Traditional set up.

In your situation though, I would definitely give my children my surname. I would actually do this even if the boyfriend was great, I would want my children to have an instantly recognisable familial tie to me. If the father pulls his finger out and turns everything around (which seems sadly unlikely) and you marry, then it is actually quite a straightforward process to change the child’s name at that point, I have a friend who did this.

Don’t discuss this with your work colleagues. It is absolutely none of their business.

I am married and the children of the marriage have DH’s family name. Traditional set up

Meant to say I took DH’s name too.

I don’t understand why you are even giving that waste of space sperm donor the opportunity to voice an opinion. Your baby, your name.

I wouldn’t invite him to register the birth either. If he makes the effort to obtain parental responsibility once the baby arrives then he can choose to get involved. With chancers like him, allowing him to control the baby’s name or registering him on the birth certificate means that he has to expend zero effort to make life for you and your child more difficult.

Totally agree with AmIRightOrAMeringue.

Every one seems to be saying your name. This is so rare for everyone to agree!

@MoreSlidingDoors that's because when you go to passport control with your daughter, your surname is there on her passport as the middle name. It shows some link and indeed many countries would just see that as double barreled as plenty don't hyphenate.

Where people haven't done this, and there is no correlation between the names at all, it can be and often is a problem. I have several female friends who have been asked for additional proof the child is theirs if they have completely different names and the father isn't there.

Yep you will get called mrs “exes surname” I get it with my eldest, she has both mine and exes name but not double barrelled. Places started just dropping my surname and only referring to her under his so something to think about if you do considering double barrelling. Most places just totally got rid of mine and would only refer to dd under exes names, and I was constantly getting called his name aswell which is horrible when you don’t even see the person! Since dd started school I asked them to have her under my name and now everywhere uses that thankfully. So just give yours double barrelling is too much of a faff

Definitely your name.

I have 3 children with 3 different surnames, only my eldest has my surname. I now wish this were different but it's far too late. At the times I used to think 'it's just a name', I didn't think of the ramifications. At least we never go abroad - I'd need a suitcase just for all the paperwork/birth certificates!

Seriously though, my main issue has been other people's reactions - one most notable occasion was other children's reactions, which I'd never banked on. A few years ago there was an issue with some children at my youngest twos' primary school (there is a big age gap between my first DC and my youngest DCS).
Some children had said to my youngest 2 "You're not even real brother and sister, you're not even related, you don't have the same name!" 😡 This really upset and confused my youngest DD, my son was older and a bit more 'so what' about it. I spoke to school about it and they were brilliant and spoke to the children concerned. I spoke to my DCS and said "We're FAMILY. Of course you're brother and sister. We live in the same house, we love and care for each other, we're happy. That's what makes a family, not a name."

You never know what's going to happen in the future. Please give the baby your name.

Give your baby your name. I have had trouble getting into some countries because my son has the absent fathers last name. My son also hates the fact his name is different than mine as he feels we are not a family.

YANBU give the baby your surname! Why should it be his name? Tradition isn't reason enough alone

Give the baby whatever surname you want, but stop discussing it with the father. He might not even be on the scene by the time the baby is registered, and your decision might be a lot clearer by then.

Speaking as someone who had a separate surname to my baby for a short time...
Absolutely stick to your guns!
It is a nightmare having a different name!

If you're going by tradition, the baby gets the mom's surname if the mom isn't married. (The dad cannot traditionally "give" you - or the baby - his surname if he isn't married to you.) Personally, I think your baby should definitely have your surname - for many reasons. Felicitations on your pregnancy; I wish you a wonderful future with your child. x

Definitely your surname. I've never understood why mothers who aren't married would give their baby the fathers surname. People were shocked I didn't (I was 16 when I had my son) which is insane to me.

I'm still with my DD's dad, but I really wish I'd given her my surname. I actually really regret giving her his, even though we're together. I blame post-pregnancy hormones for preventing me from thinking clearly when we were registering her.

Absolutely you should give your child your name. I think the idea that wives and children should take on the man's surname is so outdated and sexist in even normal circumstances let alone the one you find yourself in. Let him fume.

Why is this even being questioned? I hate the automatic assumption that babies should have the father’s last name!

Fuck that! Your name and your name only!

PS - DON’T put him on the birth certificate!!!

Give the baby your own name.

A friend recently had a baby with what I would consider a fuck buddy. He only sees her when it suits him. When the baby was a week old he went away with his mates to the UK (we are in Ireland) and didn't contact to see how his baby was. It was two days after he was due back that she heard from him.

Her biggest regret is giving the baby the fathers name.

Plus, I know mothers who have problems traveling with their own kids who have a different second name to them. Stopped from flying etc. He's not worth the hassle. Put his name on the birthcert if he wants but do not give the baby his second name.

Best of luck with your pregnancy OP.

Another one here saying give the baby your name. If you're not married, he can't actually register the birth without you there, whereas you can register the birth by yourself. So if I were you when baby is here I would just book the registration appointment, go by yourself and give baby your name.

@Mumsymumphy the children questioning them clearly heard it from (nasty) adults.

I don't have the same last name as some of my siblings. Never questioned about it at primary school and at secondary school it wasn't a rare.

As an adult I've got weird looks but I know some people have led sheltered existences and wind them up so hopefully they don't repeat their stupidity to children.