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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want them to stay?

235 replies

DumbleDork · 20/08/2019 14:06

Trying to cut a long story short.

I’m 33, DH is 34. We’ve got 2 children aged 11 and 5. This Saturday is our wedding anniversary and we organised a long while ago for my father to have the kids at his house so we can go out for dinner, drinks and generally have the house to ourselves for the weekend. We usually use MIL & FIL for this kind of thing but my dad offered first.

Friday last week I got a message from my MIL to say my DHs brother, his wife and their 2 young kids are down in our home town for the weekend (they live about 5 hours drive each way away from us) and would we like to get together with them (that is MIL, FIL and DHs brother and family). I said yes and that we would probably only meet for a drink or two as we had plans of our own but it’s always good to see them as we don’t get to very much.

Anyway, then this morning MIL text me and said that BIL and family couldn’t book a B&B as the town is full (we live in a seaside resort) so she’d told them we would put them up as the kids are away so their 2 children could have our children’s room and the adults could sleep on an air bed in the living room, which happens to be below our room and not to worry about having to stay home to let them in and out and she will give them our key and they can come and go as they please?!

AIBU to be upset about this? Not to mention the fact they’ve taken over our wedding anniversary weekend, but we can’t have our evening of food, booze and sex we planned as we have 4 people in the house Confused

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 20/08/2019 16:49

Now I need to find a way of saying no without being a dick - you've already said that as they helped you financially, they are entitled to whatever they want - I presume this means they more or less own the house or the biggest share of it, the house you live in? otherwise why in gods name would you be going to a hotel so as to allow them to do whatever they want in your home?

Unless you already are a dick?!

BrunettesDoItBetter · 20/08/2019 16:51

My response to mil would be haha like fuck are they stopping is this a joke? No? Well it's not happening you sort it, nothing to do with us

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/08/2019 16:56

"Sorry mil, it's our anniversary, we've got shut of the kids for once and intend to have a drunken weekend of wild monkey sex throughout the house. Big kisses (you cheeky cow) Dumble"

Jaxhog · 20/08/2019 16:56

O.M.G.! You know why this has happened don't you? Your MiL is trying to ruin your anniversary because she isn't babysitting. You need to say no. No to them staying, no to leaving them in your house alone and no to your MiL making arrangements without your prior agreement.

This is totally, totally unreasonable. (Even more unreasonable than my Dad offering for me pay for my DB's holiday.)

Original poster
DumbleDork · 20/08/2019 16:57

dishingoutdone you’ve hit the nail on the head, they helped with our first deposit when we were in our late teens. Even though we’ve long paid them back it still comes up that they helped us in that way Confused

OP posts:
messolini9 · 20/08/2019 16:59

@DumbleDork - yes, the vid's a stonker innit, Glad you liked it :)

Keep your chin up & your backbone straight. Someone's in your family is being a dick, but I can assure you - it's not you.

Winter2019 · 20/08/2019 17:00

No, that's not OK of your MIL

Whatsnewpussyhat · 20/08/2019 17:03

Bet your DH has already agreed to it.

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 17:05

Even though we’ve long paid them back it still comes up that they helped us in that way Confused

Ye Dogs OP.
Then you owe them nothing. Every time "it comes up" (or more accurately, MiL has a pass-agg dig about it in order to control you) -

"Yes, it was great of you, & we were so happy repay the loan & your generosity as soon as March 1066" [insert actual date]

With a sweet smile, & full eye contact.

Mentioning the date you repaid, every time, reminds her that this is history, & she is being an arse.
Do it. Every. Time.
Or she will keep beating you up with it.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2019 17:05

(Even more unreasonable than my Dad offering for me pay for my DB's holiday.)

What!? That sounds more unreasonable to me

TidyDancer · 20/08/2019 17:07

This would be an absolute no from me even if I actually wanted them there. It's the principle and you need to be clear about it.

SunniDay · 20/08/2019 17:10

Hi,
I know it's awkward but just say "I'm sorry they can't stay that weekend. We are happy to get our diaries out with them and see If We can find a weekend that works
I'll give SIL a ring".

Your MIL must have a thick skin if she is doing this in the first place. If you don't say anything it will bug you for years so you must.

The thing that would particularly bug me in your situation is that they aren't staying with you because they have come to see you. They were going to book a hotel/ they see your children being away as a good thing because of space rather than disappointment that the cousins won't get time together and they need a key as they won't be coming and going with you. They really are just using you for a place to crash - and on this occasion that is ruining a special weekend for you so you have to say no!

Sewrainbow · 20/08/2019 17:11

Say no, this weekend you have plans to stay in your own home alone...

MIL doesn't get to invite people to your house. Why can't she out them up at hers?

PanamaPattie · 20/08/2019 17:14

Don't say sorry. Tell MIL it's not happening and tell BIL and SIL to make other arrangements. Get your key back.

Tighnabruaich · 20/08/2019 17:15

I'm utterly gobsmacked at the sheer affrontery and brass neck of your MIL.
How DARE she just hand your house over to folk without checking.
You really, really, need to stick to your guns here. I would have blown a gasket at this.
Don't roll over!

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 20/08/2019 17:17

Just text your Sil, explain that Mil offered without actually checking with you and you’re really sorry but you just can’t have them this weekend. You don’t need to involve the Mil, it’s nothing to do with her and she can find out elsewhere.

Cherrysoup · 20/08/2019 17:35

you’ve hit the nail on the head, they helped with our first deposit when we were in our late teens. Even though we’ve long paid them back it still comes up that they helped us in that way

But that's ancient history and the payback was made, you returned the money. Just because they did you a favour years and years ago does not entitle them to impose what they want on you. You are worth more and should not let them dictate to you because of it.

WiddlinDiddlin · 20/08/2019 17:42

Once you have checked your DH has not agreed..

Go directly to those she has invited to stay, NOT her..

'Dear x, many apologies, there appears to have been crossed wires and our house is NOT available this weekend as we have plans.

I am sure you can understand that our planned weekend of debauchery, and cavorting naked about the property will not allow for visitors of any kind.

So sorry, love to see you another weekend."

That way THEY are aware they cannot stay, theres no MIL mucking you about saying she cannot uninvite them, it is done! Plus hopefully they will feel really awkward about the whole debauchery thing and wont want to bring it up ever again!

Flower64 · 20/08/2019 17:49

Its really hard when you are a people pleaser. The post above about the exercise with the fiver made me smile as I am like this every time my feckless brother borrows more money off me, I never say no firmly enough and I end up justifying it if I do and then sometimes he bargains for a bit less. I can totally understand how you are in this situ as my ex MIL was a bit like this - just expected us to fall in line with her plans. The other posters are right tho - if your DH hasn't said yes to this (and if he has then kick him) then you need to go direct to the SIL and say its not convenient and you wish the MIL had checked with you first. Then she can tell the MIL for you!

RebootYourEngine · 20/08/2019 17:58

Going directly to your SIL is a good idea instead of doing it through your MIL.

RavenLG · 20/08/2019 18:10

The longer you put off texting anyone “No” the likelyhood that your CF MIL would have told SIL that it’s ok goes up, so you’re making a rod for your own back here.

If she asks why they can’t stay say something like “Well, I’f they’re happy to watch us shagging on the sofa / kitchen bench / other random place in the house, then they’re fine to stay” any mention of sex might stop her in her tracks.

rainbowstardrops · 20/08/2019 18:16

FFS just say no!!!!! It's your home and you can make any decision you want!
I never understand these posts

bridgetreilly · 20/08/2019 18:33

Your BIL and family are NOT in town for the weekend, in fact, since they have nowhere to stay. Shame, but that's what it's like at a bank holiday. Should have planned it earlier.

bridgetreilly · 20/08/2019 18:34

And yes, definitely talk to them directly. Your MIL is not your letting agent.

sackrifice · 20/08/2019 18:37

'Hi MIL. There is a reason we got childcare for the kids and we are planning a WEEKEND ALONE. We cant put anyone up. That's the point of the weekend. So please can you undo your invite.'