AIBU to not want them to stay?

[DumbleDork]

Trying to cut a long story short.

I’m 33, DH is 34. We’ve got 2 children aged 11 and 5. This Saturday is our wedding anniversary and we organised a long while ago for my father to have the kids at his house so we can go out for dinner, drinks and generally have the house to ourselves for the weekend. We usually use MIL & FIL for this kind of thing but my dad offered first.

Friday last week I got a message from my MIL to say my DHs brother, his wife and their 2 young kids are down in our home town for the weekend (they live about 5 hours drive each way away from us) and would we like to get together with them (that is MIL, FIL and DHs brother and family). I said yes and that we would probably only meet for a drink or two as we had plans of our own but it’s always good to see them as we don’t get to very much.

Anyway, then this morning MIL text me and said that BIL and family couldn’t book a B&B as the town is full (we live in a seaside resort) so she’d told them we would put them up as the kids are away so their 2 children could have our children’s room and the adults could sleep on an air bed in the living room, which happens to be below our room and not to worry about having to stay home to let them in and out and she will give them our key and they can come and go as they please?!

AIBU to be upset about this? Not to mention the fact they’ve taken over our wedding anniversary weekend, but we can’t have our evening of food, booze and sex we planned as we have 4 people in the house

Why are there so many of these threads at the moment? (Why do I click on them?) Is no one capable of of just saying 'no that doesn't work for us, we have other plans, bye'. And why when posters ask what to do, always reject all the advice given and sob about it?

You just say no. It’s not being a dick, and you framing it that way is adding to the problem. You just say nicely that unfortunately that isn’t going to work. If you continue to paint yourself into a corner where saying no makes you a bad person then you are always going to find yourself in situations like this.

You are crazy to even think of booking a hotel so that uninvited guests can have your house. That seems crazy even as I type 😂

“Hi MIL, sorry but we can’t host this weekend. We’ve arranged for my dad to have the kids, as we have made plans for our anniversary. Also we’ve really been looking forward to a relaxed weekend, and a chance to potter around the house on our own with some peace and quiet. Maybe next time”

Seconding the ninnies comment.

Now I need to find a way of saying no without being a dick

You really don't.
You need to find a way of saying no without WORRYING about being a dick.

Just tell the Cheeky Fucker what you told us:
I said yes and that we would probably only meet for a drink or two as we had plans of our own
& follow with "remember I told you we had plans, MiL? You must have forgotten, because WE HAVE PLANS means no you cannot invite yourselves & other people over."

Who plans a weekend in a busy summer seaside resort without checking accommodation first? I wonder if she even bothered to try ... thinking she can just help herself you your house, your weekend, & your anniversary time, & never mind consulting you or considering your wishes?

Be a dick, @DumbleDork. Before they move in permanently.
Cracking username btw :)

Just grow a fucking backbone. Or don’t complain. One or the other. Can’t stand people who moan about things they can say no to.

“No way MIL, you’re having a giraffe. It’s our child free anniversary weekend and we want the house to ourselves. I’m sure I don’t need to spell this out any more”

Op - I resort to hyperbole, not to be cruel, but because this is an extreme situation. You are being one of the flattest, droopiest, doormats in all of history.

Your DH has 2 options

1. call his mother and nip this in the bud
2. call his sibling and let them Know you had a couples weekend planned so this is a bad time.

FFS woman up and tell them the kids are away because you wanted the house to yourselves. You won't though, will you? You'll let them get away with it and act all bewildered when they cross your boundaries again in the future.

Tell her no, you don't need to say why. Nor should you be book ng a bloody hotel and giving you'd in laws your house! Crikey, woman, tell CF mil to puss off and get your key back! You are not a flaming hotel!

Omg sorry OP but get a grip. You’re really going to let another family have full run of your house and your possessions and get the extra expense of a hotel room rather than say no?

Tipsy - years ago I went on an assertiveness course at work. I was there to learn to be more assertive without being aggressive - everyone else was there to learn how to be assertive full stop.
Because of this, the course wasn't much use for me but it was FASCINATING how many of the others on the course just Could Not Say No.

First exercise - in pairs, ask your partner to lend you £5. They're supposed to refuse. YOu give reasons - they're supposed to refuse and continue to refuse. You wheedle - they should refuse.

Half the class caved on the first request, most of the rest on the second (with reasons) and the last lot gave up on wheedling.

Real insight into how some people are absolutely conditioned to put others first and not themselves. I'm guessing the OP is in category 1 or 2 (of my class reactions)

I share the frustration:-
OP - AIBU about [unreasonable cheeky fuckery]?
Everybody - YANBU! Say no.
OP - Oh but I’m too niiiiiiiiiice, and DH won’t do anything....
Everybody: 🥴

"Actually MIL I've had a think and it's not convenient for BIL to stay at ours that weekend. It doesn't work for us"

Repeat repeat repeat

It isn't your problem that they've no accommodation. It's not your circus and certainly not your monkeys.

Just say no. I get the rage at the amount of people on Mumsnet who would rather put themselves out and be a wet blanket than offend a cheeky fucker who just doesn't give a shit.

One thing to hint/ask, another thing entirely to invite someone to stay in your home on your behalf without checking with you first.

I'd say no. As PP said, remind her that you've already told her you have plans-- that you'd specifically arranged for childcare so that you and your husband could have a private, relaxing weekend.

If she's gross enough to make "dirty weekend" comments, I think I'd just have to let her (and also let her see my rolling eyes). So what? She knows you've had sex, what with the grandchildren and all-- and it's not that strange for married couples to celebrate their anniversary in a romantic fashion.

The in-laws can sleep in their main room on airbeds. It might be a bit of a crush, but they'll manage. Next time, they need to book a room earlier!

You simply just have to say, no can do, and the BIL and family should respect this. If they are switched on enough,they should understand why.

Maybe they can all sleep on the beach,or under the pier if you have one,the children might like that. !

No. Don't back down.
If you find a hotel in a neighbouring town, pass those details on to MiL saying "Look, I've been able to find BiL, SiL and kids a room in X hotel for Y price. We can't put them up this time so this is the best that can be done. They will need to book and contact the hotel themselves directly as we can't be getting involved from here on. Oh, and by the way MiL, you really should ask us before offering our home out to any one, family included. Got to run, bye"

What kind of cheeky fuckers decide they're coming somewhere 5 hours drive away WITHOUT making fucking arrangements for somewhere to stay?

They were EXPECTING you to have to put them up. They should have bloody well made proper preparations for somewhere to stay BEFORE deciding to come.

This was my thought as soon as I read the op.

OP, if you want to avoid this happening again and again, you need to be firm NOW.

Tell MIL/BIL that staying at your home is not possible, and make sure you get the key back. I wouldn't be completely comfortable that MIL doesn't just give BIL the key anyway, regardless.

Tell them they can't stay as you have plans for getting down and dirty in every room in your house and you don't want an audience.

Nope!

I haven’t replied as I wanted to check with DH when he gets home incase he’s involved in this too (as in told him mum it’s ok).

My sister in law is much more approachable to I’ll go with that tactic to be honest and tell her the kids are away because it’s our anniversary.

And yes, I know it’s bloody frustrating im struggling to say no but sticking up for myself hasn’t ever been easy, and to my in laws who have helped us massively in the past financially etc I always feel saying no is a big F you to all the help they’ve given us

"I already told you we have plans for this weekend so can only meet up with you all for a drink or two. We can't accommodate BIL and his family."

Then when she says "But why can't you" or "They won't be a nuisance, they'll have my key to let themselves in and out..." go all PMQ: "I refer the honourable MIL to the answer I gave earlier."

🙄

Just say no, it's your wedding anniversary. Kids are away so you can enjoy some alone time together.

Perhaps you and DH can book a hotel? Have BIL pay for that instead of B&B so he can stay at your house. Think romantic night, room service, maybe a hotel with a spa.

Yanbu at all. That's unbelievable of her to suggest it. Say no for certain.