...to think that children should look after elderly parents?

[wheresmymojo]

It's not a TAAT but inspired by another thread.

It seems to be a general trend that people feel like they shouldn't have any duty/obligation to care for their elderly parents anymore.

Partly I recognise that this is because societal trends make it harder to do elder care than it used to be - it's quite common to have two full time workers, be living quite far from your parents, still have DC to care for at the same time due to later births, etc.

I find it odd though that anyone wouldn't want to care for their elderly parents and find a way to make it happen.

So for example, we have just moved to live near to DH's parents who are in their 70s as while they don't need any help now, we know they will at some point in the next 10yrs.

My DM is very young (56!) so definitely doesn't need any help. I live 200 miles away but have already had the discussion that when she is elderly I'd like her to come and live with us.

I feel like I'm in the minority though these days?

I realise there are of course exceptions - any parental abuse and there will always be people who have very complex situations that mean it isn't possible (e.g. can't afford to move, already have children of their own with special needs, etc).

But I think it's sad that the average person either (a) thinks of it as an obligation/burden that they don't want to do or (b) thinks they don't have any obligation at all.

This is work for skilled professionals

Very true but community elderly care is on its knees.

My DD is doing it right now as a summer job before going back to Uni, unbelievably hard, 30mins visits, complex care needs, constantly asked to cover shifts/do extra visits and if any visits/travel over run, its all unpaid.
The really weird thing is that she loves it!

OP "It's a good question...I guess it depends whose name the property is in. If in the kids name then presumably the NHS would fund?"

no. Deprivation of assets. FFS you really don't have a clue. this on top of your "sectioning" idea.

that said, it's good for this thread to be here really because anyone else who has these kinds of crazy ideas and judgemental attitudes will see it and think again I hope.

PP saying about DNR - yes, the day my father agreed DNR in hospital, I went home and wept with relief. My mum got one sorted a while before, luckily.

I don't understand how we got here, culturally speaking. My memories of childhood and teenage years were that someone dropping dead from a heart attack was seen as terrible. Why is that? Perhaps when "three score and ten" was considered a good age, people were less familiar with the awfulness of long life?

As other posters have mentioned, not everyone has loving parents who have provided them with a good childhood. I would be there to care for my DM when she’s older but I wouldn’t want her to move in with me or anything. And my Dad wouldn’t want me wiping his arse or running around after him. He’s already said he wants to go to Switzerland if things got bad! Most parents wouldn’t want their kids to give up their lives to care for them.

DH’s parents already act old and they’re only in their early sixties. Likewise I wouldn’t want them to live with us (can’t imagine anything worse).

My mother is a narcissistic arsehole and I'd float her out into the middle of the North Sea before I'd let her move in with me. She'd better hope my dad's still around to care for her if her health takes a nosedive.

Do you not realise that an elderly person's schedule may not fit in with a younger couple? They need a level of peace and no late nights etc. They can also spend all night coughing, needing to spit etc. Struggle with the stairs, or want to dominate the television, so you feel like a guest in your own home.

Yes, of course. I'd expect some of these things.

In terms of dominating the TV, well there would have to be compromises made (either its family voting and/or they have a TV in their own room when they want to watch specific things).

In terms of stairs then room would either need to be made for a bedroom downstairs, you help them upstairs as needed (mainly works if you had a downstairs loo at least) or you have to find the money for a stairlift.

Again - I realise not everyone is in the position to buy a stairlift but the people I know are.

I'm not suggesting living in a multi-generational household is easy. I realise it isn't and that's why a lot of my peers don't want to do it but I think that's selfish TBH.

I wouldn't want my children to give up on their hopes and dreams to look after me though. If they want to emigrate, then I want them to do that, if they want to move to the other end of the country then that is fine, Why should they drop their lives to look after me? I chose to have children so I melded my life around them, they didn't chose to have me so I don't expect them to look after me in my dotage.

I do think the middle ground here is to be able to help them to find suitable accommodation where they can be adequately cared for so that you as the child can in fact maintain the parent child relationship as you won’t be becoming a carer.

But how is that supposed to happen in reality? Not all elderly parents want to move house, for starters, and you can't force people out of their homes against their wishes.

I think you are looking at it very simplistically. There can be many reasons why people are unable to look after elderly parents. Many have been mentioned but they include poor relationships, finances, house size, distance, other caring responsibilities, the fact that by the time many elderly parents need care the “children” are themselves pensioners.

You do you and leave other people to do them.

I would have loved to have looked after my parents & did help them out where needed. They were both active, healthy & independent until they were in their late 80s. Had DM survived her broken hip she would have been unable to walk & would have needed 2 people & a hoist to move her around. DF spent his last months double incontinent, unable to walk (hoist etc) and needing 24 hour care. That's not something he would have wanted me to do & I couldn't with a job & 3 children.
DH's family were abusive to him as a child. Why would he look after them?

My mother did it and it nearly broke her. My grandmother was nearly 100 when she died. My mum is in her mid 70s. Her older brother is 80. Neither of them were young enough to care for grandma but mum did it out of duty. Her younger siblings didn't raise a hand to help. It broke her and broke her family

MIL didn't help care for her parents, nor did she ever help with child care yet now she wants DH to drop everything and run around after her. She is more than capable of going out with her friends, has a gardener and cleaner but feels we owe every spare hour to her. We still have school aged DC and I'm ill. I resent the guilt trips she puts on DH every week. Why should we give up our lives for her? My DP are no longer alive but they would never have wanted this. She is selfish and entitled and obsessed with the fact it's DH's duty to do this care, despite her never feeling the same duty to anyone else. She refuses any attempt to get other outside help but the reality is she doesn't need it. She simply wants DH there all the time to fill the space of his DF.

Well both my mothers parents had dementia, couldn't even go to the toilet themselves. My other grand parents lived an hour away from them and one died a very long time ago so one waseft on her own. My parents were both self employed and couldnt afford a house big enough for everyone, also I'm not sure how they would have managed to take care of them while working full time jobs. A dementia sufferer needs A LOT of care. It broke my mums heart to put both her parents into care homes. Attitudes like yours made it much harder.
Also by the time my grandad was in the later stages of his dementia but a good year and a half before he died, he had taken to smearing shit all over the walls of his room and the toilet if he managed to get himself there. Not sure that would have been great for my mum to deal with while she was childminding from the same house.
You sound naive.

I tried to help my father after my mother died, but he didn't want me to! He was an old curmudgeon though, and stubborn with it. It's very difficult trying to help some people. I used to make sure he had meals because he couldn't cook, but he didn't want any other help and made me feel like an intruder. He was 86. Sadly he died accidentally 6 months after my mother (he fell in the street and died of head injuries).
My h is 65 and cares for his father, who has altzheimers and is 92. If my h wasn't retired there is no way he could do what he does, as it takes him hours each week, plus of course driving his dad to hospital appointments, social things etc. His dad also has carers and lives nearby. Just saying that to counter all those saying it is women who do all the caring. My only input is providing some meals and social visits.
I don't think any child should feel obliged to look after parents, and parents shouldn't have that expectation of their children.

My children's generation, having witnessed my generation run themselves ragged trying to care for frail elderly people, will probably start lobbying the government for euthanasia

Having watched my colleague struggle with caring for her elderly mother (with dementia) as well as parenting her own children whilst ALSO holding down a full time job, I don't agree that children should feel or be obliged to look after their parents. It's damn near broken her.

I’m sure everyone wants their parents to have the best care possible and most will provide what they can.

What I notice is that there is a huge expectation on women to provide elderly care and hardly any on the men in the family.

OP, that’s an outrageous statement. During the time I cared for my parents, being able to return to my own home saved my sanity. My five years caring would have lasted five months if they’d lived with us. And my marriage would have gone down the pan. How dare you call anyone selfish when you have no clue what it’s like?

I don’t see my mum because she was abusive. I never knew my father. In the circumstances, I feel I obligation towards either.

My in laws didn’t raise me and they’ve shown no interest in my children. We’ve struggled along without any interest or help from grandparents. It’s been tough.

Would it be fair if the burden for looking after my in laws fell to me and they came to live with me?

There's no single answer.

If the parents need full time help, then the children are probably working or too old to manage care on their own (baths, etc).

It depends on if it involves moving a long distance by either party.

My own mother has always said that she'd move to assisted housing when older, but she lost her husband 3 years ago and I doubt she'll want to leave her home. She's finding older age difficult with loss of independence. She should have forced my dad to stop driving but I suspect she found it convenient, even though he was slow and dangerous and we kept saying he should stop.
She refuses to get involved in activities with people her age or thereabouts.
In her mind, it's our obligation. But I know it will be hard when she actually needs help and I'm trying to ensure I get on with my life before that.

it’s not safe for a start, she’s a foot taller and weighs twice as much as me and is strong so I’ve no hope if she ever really turns
Care for your parents because they cared for you, it sounds so simple and noble but it's nothing like caring for a child is it ....it's more like trying to control ravenous zombie hordes, the walking dead trying to destroy you

General conversations with friends where they are clear they wouldn't consider having their parents living with them and see it as a burden

Well it would be a burden! I don't have suitable accommodation for a frail person and I don't especially want to live with an aging parent.

I love my parents but I don't see having them live with me in either of our futures.

I would be more than happy to help them move into a flat close to me, where I could keep an eye on them and pop in ever couple of days. Sort out their food shipping, cleaner and keep an eye on care.

But live with me? No.

You have a responsibility to make adequate provision for yourself as you get older and more frail. And that includes forward planning and taking steps before you absolutely have to such as moving into suitable accommodation such as a eval-access flat. supported block. It means accepting outside carers.

I would look after my parents in the future. I probably wouldn’t give up my job if forced to choose, but I’d consider reducing my hours and doing as much as I can in my spare time. Also agree with OP, that if there are complex medical needs, my care might not be sufficient and a nursing/residential home might be a safer place. My dad wasn’t great when I was little, but he did his best with limited knowledge. My amazing mum has passed away already. I’d look after my step-mum as if she were my mum - she’s lovely.

My DM is very young (56!) so definitely doesn't need any help. I live 200 miles away but have already had the discussion that when she is elderly I'd like her to come and live with us.

Also, this is SUCH a self centered thing to say. As if your mum will want to uproot her life and her friends and familiar surroundings to come and live with you, 200 miles away!

My mother did it and it nearly broke her. My grandmother was nearly 100 when she died. My mum is in her mid 70s. Her older brother is 80. Neither of them were young enough to care for grandma but mum did it out of duty. Her younger siblings didn't raise a hand to help. It broke her and broke her family

I don’t think you can generalise in the way you have in your OP. As has been pointed out, so many variables apply as life goes along and it’s simply not possible to predict what a person’s care needs might be

We moved to be near my parents 3 years ago. We were going to support dad with mum’s dementia but he rapidly went into crisis himself and it got super tough very quickly. I reduced my hours at work. DD1 put her degree at risk. All very tough. We supported them through numerous emergencies and we’ve been left with some trauma as a consequence. That’s all part of life and it is ok.

Best advice I got was from a friend who said cross each bridge as you reach it. You can’t plan ahead with this stuff.