...to think that children should look after elderly parents?

[wheresmymojo]

It's not a TAAT but inspired by another thread.

It seems to be a general trend that people feel like they shouldn't have any duty/obligation to care for their elderly parents anymore.

Partly I recognise that this is because societal trends make it harder to do elder care than it used to be - it's quite common to have two full time workers, be living quite far from your parents, still have DC to care for at the same time due to later births, etc.

I find it odd though that anyone wouldn't want to care for their elderly parents and find a way to make it happen.

So for example, we have just moved to live near to DH's parents who are in their 70s as while they don't need any help now, we know they will at some point in the next 10yrs.

My DM is very young (56!) so definitely doesn't need any help. I live 200 miles away but have already had the discussion that when she is elderly I'd like her to come and live with us.

I feel like I'm in the minority though these days?

I realise there are of course exceptions - any parental abuse and there will always be people who have very complex situations that mean it isn't possible (e.g. can't afford to move, already have children of their own with special needs, etc).

But I think it's sad that the average person either (a) thinks of it as an obligation/burden that they don't want to do or (b) thinks they don't have any obligation at all.

I said in the first place I was basing it on MN posts. Do you have anything relevant to say? Or are you just going to continue hijacking the thread to have a pop at some random stranger on the Internet?

Who is hijacking? You're the one being sanctimonious. Have you heard any of the reams of posters who have written at length about their very real and difficult experiences on this thread?

Yet you still insist on calling anyone who isn't martyring themselves selfish.

You’re mistaking me for someone else. I looked after my parents for five years. It was bloody hard work and I wouldn’t ever call anyone selfish for not doing it. I might question their reasons but that’s a different thing. Incidentally, very few of us who have done it would consider themselves martyrs. I’d be very angry if anyone implied I was.

Not mistaken

YANBU, and I've already had my first taste of it - my mum is a recovering alcoholic and I've had to look after her a couple of times and get her to eat and shower. I'm in my thirties, she's in her sixties.

I might question their reasons but that’s a different thing.

Why? Who are you to question what someone else does.

This is a new level of arrogance. I can not be the only person, when told something like 'I wont be caring for my parent' , just takes it at face value and assumes they have their reasons for that stance.

Wouldnt even enter my head to 'question it'

Come back when you're at breaking point.

I think you're also confusing me with someone else. I am not arguing against you; if you RTFT properly you'd see I'm not advocating people getting anywhere near breaking point by attempting to provide 24/7 care to someone with severe medical/social needs. Or even milder ones.

And I will ignore the personal aspect of your jibe - we are already at breaking point in a different sense as my father has only a few days to live and is in a terrible state at the moment. so fuck off.

Apologies Angelina I may have got the wrong end of the stick.

I told someone else to fuck off earlier so I can take it on the chin

Thanks brass.

I always thought I wouldn't have anything to do with the care of my mother as during my life she has done some truly truly vile and unforgivable things to me so I felt under no obligation to do anything for give her any more care and consideration than she ever gave me in life.
Then she got Alzheimer's at 70 (I'm 40), her personality changed (to a much nicer fragile and quite sad version of her) and I felt I needed to be a good example to my kids and show that sometimes you can choose to take a better path than others but I don't in anyway feel obligated to do that although I often get the 'but she's your mum' - she was never the kind of mum other people think of.
So although she ruined many periods in my life, gave me no empathy, support or affection for my all my life I now feel extremely sorry for her - dementia is a vile condition and hers has been rapid in her deterioration.
I struggle to support her, I don't physically care for her but I manage her finances, utilities, banks etc speak to her every day (really difficult for me), manage her care packages/social worker/ daily activities/travel arrangements etc
I also give her love and support because she is a different person now - she's forgotten everything in the past, some of it never registered with her anyway as she never really understood normal social interaction but I haven't so it's really really hard, but slightly eased that she's nicer to interact with these days.
add to that the fact that I have my own family, job and disability and oh I've lived at the other end of the country for 20+yrs
So no I don't feel obligated and would understand that others may feel the same but sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you can't really say what you would do until those circumstances arise

My dm looked after my father with PD for 14 years while he gradually declined but 6 months before he died he went into a wonderful nursing home as he could no longer be cared for at home. I am sure that shortened my mother's life as she was the youngest of 3 children and died at 85 while her two siblings are now in their 90s.

My dm got a chest infection and was given 48 hours to live but they treated her with antibiotics and after 6 weeks in hospital she went into intermediate care which she hated as of the 24 people in the home she was one of only 3 without dementia. While she was in the home she played a game of bridge with three other county standard friends so we know that her brain was still working hard.

She came home after 10 days and I went to visit a week later and while I was there she had a heart attack and by then she had a dna so when the paramedics came all they did was make her comfortable as she was certain that she didn't want to go on.

This has made me realise at 67 that I need to make it clear to my dc that when the time comes I will be quite happy to go into a care home (mainly because I will no longer have to do housework) because I do not want them to have to physically care for me. I will want them to visit but I will want to enjoy my last years with my dc without them being worn into the ground.

I'm really not being flippant when I tell you that I would seriously love to go into the care home my dad is in!

But all the homes we looked at when choosing with my dad had separate wings/floors for dementia patients.

@Reversiblesequinsforadults
My situation was almost exactly the same as yours (no steps but doorway(s) too narrow for wheelchair access). My DM also below waist paralysis. Being immobile for almost a year (in hospital), meant she'd gained a lot of weight (I am 7st), so even pushing her chair from the ward to the dayroom was difficult for me. She didn't suffer from dementia but professional care was the only answer - which she not only agreed to but asked for. I won't say she was exactly happy (in hospital or the home - who would be), but she received better care than I could have given by kind and respectful people who met her every need.

@Charley50 yes, my FIL had set up PoA (though not an actual Advance Directive) and the hospital ignored the views of his next of kin too. The basic thrust of it was "we know better than you, he's not able to express his wishes and the pneumonia's classed as treatable - so we're going to treat it"

Sadly, he died in pain anyway as they forgot to administer a vital drug which he did need. This was admitted and apologised for verbally at the time, but couldn't be taken further as the records had mysteriously disappeared

My mother looked after my Grandfather. She was retired (semi ran some properties) in her 60's. He was in his early 90's.

He would not move from his house, and didn't want carers. My mother didn't want to move in with him and he didn't want that either. Until the end (which was thankfully fairly sudden) he was capable of making himself a snack and drinks etc. So she would visit daily, and do all the other things - washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, managing the house, finances. She drove 40 mins each way.

She admitted to me afterwards that one day she considered just driving the car into a wall. Just for some respite. Just for everything to stop. It drove her to the edge and she's the strongest woman I know.

She's been very clear to my sisters and I that she fully expends to fund care and that is what she wants. She doesn't want any one of us doing that.

@wonkylegs from what you say I wonder if caring for your mother has given you some kind of closure?
(though not suggesting this is necessarily a way forward for others with 'problematic' parents)

Shame you didn’t realise you had the wrong end of the stick with me @brassbrass, because you were mistaken. You can comb this thread from end to end and won’t find me calling anyone selfish.

Pissed off tonight as ive had my point (upthread) proven.

Yet again i got asked whether i have a job, by the same person who always asks the same bloody question EVERY TIME. Someone who i used to work with years ago. Who used to insinuate that DH was a malingerer (not long before his heart attack) Not working then?

No DH is disabled with health conditions.
My elderly mum is not in good health either.

So then she mentions But your mum comes in here.

And i say "Well shes not supposed to" She tends to go out without telling anybody.

What this shit for brains doesnt see is DM struggling precariously up the stairs.

My mum hearing is nearly totally gone.

Why does this person ask the same shit question every time when they know the answer.

My advice DONT be a full time carer. Let the fucking state do it. Because the general benefit bashing public wont give a damn................oh wait until something goes wrong then its "oh how can the adult child/spouse (delete as appropriate) be so callous and neglectful.

A lot of the public are fucking arseholes who want it both ways.

General benefit bashing public ......................Are you not working then?

NHS.............we are discharging your relative at ridiculous o clock.

FUCK SAKE.

@HelenaDove
Maybe this ex colleague now has memory issues. Perhaps if you thought about it like that or said something to that effect to her you’d feel less pissed off. Right now your anger is going nowhere and she has has the satisfaction of pissing you off if that was her aim.

Not really - if HelenaDove tells everybody she comes across not to be a full time carer (as would I); and several people take it on board; then that could end up costing the state way more than this person thought they might save by pissing her off!

@HelenaDove I agree a lot of the public are arseholes

Good point Mummy