...to think that children should look after elderly parents?

[wheresmymojo]

It's not a TAAT but inspired by another thread.

It seems to be a general trend that people feel like they shouldn't have any duty/obligation to care for their elderly parents anymore.

Partly I recognise that this is because societal trends make it harder to do elder care than it used to be - it's quite common to have two full time workers, be living quite far from your parents, still have DC to care for at the same time due to later births, etc.

I find it odd though that anyone wouldn't want to care for their elderly parents and find a way to make it happen.

So for example, we have just moved to live near to DH's parents who are in their 70s as while they don't need any help now, we know they will at some point in the next 10yrs.

My DM is very young (56!) so definitely doesn't need any help. I live 200 miles away but have already had the discussion that when she is elderly I'd like her to come and live with us.

I feel like I'm in the minority though these days?

I realise there are of course exceptions - any parental abuse and there will always be people who have very complex situations that mean it isn't possible (e.g. can't afford to move, already have children of their own with special needs, etc).

But I think it's sad that the average person either (a) thinks of it as an obligation/burden that they don't want to do or (b) thinks they don't have any obligation at all.

I helped to look after my grandmother when I was 9/10 mainly at weekends. my mother made sure she worked part time at weekends and leaving the week free when she could be at home doing whatever she wanted without the misery of any of us being there. I used to take my poor lovely nanna to the toilet etc -she had early onset Parkinson’s in her fifties. -grandad couldn’t have cared less about her / having his own agenda /social life. I had no friends social life and to be honest must have been pretty peculiar! Then grandad suddenly got a brain tumour and died in 6months!!!!
Have just come to the end of looking out for mum after her being widowed for 40yrs and believe me she has been very hard work- can’t start to list the things/life experiences she’s stopped me from having due t to promising Dad I would be there for her when he was dying....
well I’m over 70 now and feeling worn out and knackered! - I must have been mad, so don’t do this to yourselves with an elderly parent! Get on with your own life- they’ve had theirs!!!!

OP was challenged on not having kids. Never said she did.

Both her and her husband work more than full time with a 3 hour commute.

No way they have kids.

If you want women to looks after their elderly parents and inlaws then you need to pay them enough money to live on.

But since you can't be bothered to do that now, I doubt you'll bother to do anything other than attempt a guilt trip online.

I found it hideous seeing my mum's decline (vascular dementia). I work full time and have teenaged children. I'm not in any way trained to deal with a serious mental illness. Unfortunately there was an expectation from social services that I could...and should care for mum. The whole situation was so stressful that I came close to a breakdown. I wouldn't wish our situation on anyone.

YABU - the pressures on people financially these days means giving up work to care for an elderly parent for most people is impossible.

Also, when people choose to have children they should not be expecting anything from them at any point as the child don't choose to be here it was the parents choice to have them.

It would be nice if they offer/can look after but it certainly isn't an obligation.

I wouldn't want my children looking after me and impacting on their lives and happiness I'd much rather they stick me in a home when I'm older.

I'm talking specifically about non-abusive families where there are no complex factors.

🤣 just what do you think the statistics are for this very specific criteria? Must be like the lottery.

When I was eleven I was forced to stay the night at least once a week sometimes twice with my Grandma after Grandad died. I hated doing it - I didn't particularly like her, I just wanted to be home but it was what was decided amongst my Mum and her siblings that all the grandchildren would keep her company - the funny thing was she hated kids - was it the ultimate revenge of her kids?

The logic goes that because your parents cared for you and make sacrifices for you when you were child it falls you have a duty the same for them.
Those who advocate this line of reasoning seem not to appreciate that if your parents were abusive and cruel to you it follows that you should give them the same treatment when they are vulnerable and needy.
It's payback time grandma

I wouldn't want to do it. You want to know why? It's because I cared for my mum and dad and it was one of the hardest things I've had to do and I wouldn't want to go through that again. It's exhausting, emotionally and physically. Have you ever tried to lift an elderly person off the floor? It's a darn site harder than picking a child up. My mother had depression and bipolar disorder which made things even harder. You mention getting things in place in the home. It takes forever, nothing is done quickly and it costs money. The social don't pay for all of it. Doing it around full time work was tough and I admit, I was relieved when mum went into a care home and I didn't have to worry constantly considering she was sucicidal as well.

It takes a special someone to become a carer and not everyone is, that's not insulting to anyone, that's just how it is.

You actually do have a very brave view of it and I would suggest that you do much more research into it before committing to it.

Remember, a parent chooses to have children and enter into that commitment, a child doesn't ask to be born so has no obligation to their parents.

It's quite a sweeping statement op.
What if your parents never showed any interest in you or your DC and you feel that they have let you down some way in 'raising you' and haven't been the loving, doting parents that you suggest.
For me, it would be like having strangers in the house.
I'd help to arrange care and all the other arrangements but I don't have any connection with them. I'd be a hypocrite.

No obligation to the parents you know! I feel so sorry for some parents. You gave birth to children who are not obliged to you! Goodness me!

A friends dad has just moved into a home. He was having carers 4 times a day but my friend was trying to pick up the slack while trying to hold down a job. He had a fall in between carer visits, and luckily a neighbour found him. If he pooped himself between visits my friend would either have to try to change him (very difficult for 1 petite person to change a bigger, very immobile adult) or he would have to sit in it for several hours until the next carer shift. Its almost impossible to meet all someones physical and mental needs at that stage.

I don’t actually recognise this picture of people who don’t want to care for their elders. I know many people who are caring for elderly parent(s) - it feels to me like the norm. Many of these people are approaching retirement age themselves. In fact I had lunch today with someone in their 80’s who is still helping to care for her MIL!

Just done 10 years of caring for my DM. What started as little bits of shopping and daily visits (living round the corner) turned into increasing reliance and then pretty much full on panic mode as she kept falling over. I will cut a long story short: by the time anyone accepts they need full on care they have already caused havoc all round them. DM took 5 months to die, which involved numerous hospital admissions, 4 care homes, a huge amount of social and medical intervention, while at the same time DH was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, DD1 having major uni stress, one of DD2's close friends commited suicide, oh and the dog had to be PTS.

Any one of of those things alone is enough to stretch anyone. Put them all together - or, in the case of many posters, add in disabled children, geographical distance, their own ill health etc - and you have the perfect storm waiting to happen.

@ahmadsmom2015 this...
You gave birth to children who are not obliged to you! Goodness me!
is not a rational argument.

Do you have a rational response to this:
Remember, a parent chooses to have children and enter into that commitment, a child doesn't ask to be born so has no obligation to their parents

I watched my Parents marriage have unnecessary battles because my (healthy) maternal grandmother lived with us for a number of years. I also watched Mum being manipulated by her Mother when another sibling found alternative accommodation for Nan away from our home. Would I want to impose this on our Daughter? No way.

My mother now lives in a private hospital as a dementia patient as well as being of a size that is not manageable by one person.

Interestingly there is an Asian Lady on Mum's table! So not all people follow cultural expectations either.

My Father, on the other hand, died 5 years ago in hospital following an operation. He was ''normal'' but he (and Mum when she was still in the home) were not prepared to move closer or purchase an adjoining property when it came up for sale. It was their choice, due to distrust or whatever reason they had going at the time, to miss out on being part of our lives. In later years as I drove Dad to and fro specialist appointments, there was a huge stubbornness and inability to accept someone else's opinion or thoughts, that would not have made a happy home for any of us put together.

In my MIL case, she also did not want to live with us, but eventually moved in with my SIL. That person and her family ensured it was extremely difficult for the rest of us to visit or contact her, to the point if they knew we were coming, they would leave their vicious dog out.

So I think people can have good intentions to want to look after their elderly, but it's not practical or healthy to do so.

For those querying re the elderly putting their assets into a larger family home for a multi-generational home, I'm currently going through a funding application for Mum's care and have disclosed an amount that was provided to the family as a kick start even though Mum's assets including that amount are below the allowable unaffected asset threshold. I have been advised that the amount in question now needs to be paid back in full or ''reasonable interest'' must be paid and it must be declared how much that will be.

So I can imagine those looking at adding thousands of pounds to the purchase price of a multigenerational home, are going to have to pay interest on that should the elderly member require external care at some point... if this is potentially unaffordable, then you need to consider why you would put the rest of your family in this position of having to sell up down the track anyhow?

I really, really don’t want my kids looking after me. I don’t want to be a burden on their lives.

My parents haven’t exactly been great parents to me and my siblings.
My mum is a difficult person at the best of times.

I think it’s selfish to not make provisions for care and expect your kids to do it.

Although if you have a good relationship with your parents I can see why you’d want to care for them

No obligation to the parents you know! I feel so sorry for some parents. You gave birth to children who are not obliged to you! Goodness me!

But you would feel obliged. Not because they had you or your spouse, but because they are also helping look after your kids.

Caring for an elderly parent is not an o obligation because they had you. Having children is a choice and that child doesnt get any decision making on it. I can see why, if you parents help out with your kids you feel obligated to help them out when they are older.

I dont see my mum and dad anywhere helping me out. I am a single parent, not through choice. They dont help me at all. It's me. You, seemingly, have parents, dh all pitching in. When you are a single parent with no help from your wider family, the come preach to me about having obligation to your parents. When you are a single parent working full time, the come back a preach about all chipping in

But you talk about moving abroad yourself. Despite your family being here. So you will wait until your and your DHS parents die? By which point your kids may be to old to enforce a move on them?

You said you are moving, so in your holier than thou statements, seem to have forgotten that you would be leaving family behind. Just like the colleagues you judge.

50 years ago my mum looked after my nan. My mum had 7 brothers and sisters, all married with their own homes. They never did a thing. It wore my mother out. There is no easy answer to this.

I love my 20 month old son so so much. When he has his own family I imagine I'll be in my 70s, if not older (what with the fact he'll be having children later as I'd the trend) He might not want to live in the UK and if he does I hope he will gsve the time to come and see his mum from time to time or I visit there. But i would want him to enjoy his time with his child(ren) and family.

As someone else said, don't be too quick to judge. Unless you are in the situation yourself, you have no idea how stressful it can be looking after an elderly parent.

I do wonder whether this whole thread was one of the more sophisticated deliberate GF threads.

Oh, it is. I'm not going to justify my own caring for a parent story but I feel for those sharing theirs. OP is patently here to do wide eyed 'but why would anyone not want to' goadiness, given her obvious lack of knowledge about the whole thing.

I confidently predict that OP's husband, who, she's said 'would have emigrated' without ever feeling this duty she describes to care for his parents, will, when the time comes for him to take on their care as OP has proudly stated he intends to do, present a careful argument about how it's really much better if he doesn't.

I think it’s disgusting when people don’t value their parents. Remember karma. Even if you can’t do it personally, help with the arrangements or bring your parents closer to home. If you don’t do it for your parents, don’t expect it from your kids. Harsh but true. Thankfully I’m from a culture where we all look out for one another. I have my parents living with me and I’m happy about it. Can’t deny it is difficult with privacy and responsibilities but my parents made sacrifices I don’t know about. Whatever I do will never be enough. My children have such a loving bond with their grandparents. ❤️❤️ Look after your family. It’s the biggest blessing. So sad to hear many colleagues say they love their parents because they are far from them. I’m shocked. Understand that they love you. It’s not interference but love. But these days.... I’m actually making plans to leave this country in the future. The environment is not one I want for my kids. Country life is better.

Why would some of us value them? They neglected and abused us.

In my life there was no love when the last dollar was spent on the pokies, there was no love when i was hungry sitting in the dark cos yet again, he didnt pay the bills. There was no interference dressed up as love, just plain old neglect.
My father made me homeless at 15, why in the hell should i have been expected to give him a home and comfy life?

Dp parents left the town we live in, they wont move back, nor will we move to the city, hell we thinking of leaving the state and its our needs we factoring in. Not who may need care in 5 or 10 years
Im not so selfish as to demand or expect that my child give up her life to be my carer

Everybody needs to make sure they provide for themselves to go into assisted living when the time comes. I am surprised it's not being sold like life insurance is. I wouldn't want to burden my children. I chose to have them, not the other way round so they owe me nothing.