...to think that children should look after elderly parents?

[wheresmymojo]

It's not a TAAT but inspired by another thread.

It seems to be a general trend that people feel like they shouldn't have any duty/obligation to care for their elderly parents anymore.

Partly I recognise that this is because societal trends make it harder to do elder care than it used to be - it's quite common to have two full time workers, be living quite far from your parents, still have DC to care for at the same time due to later births, etc.

I find it odd though that anyone wouldn't want to care for their elderly parents and find a way to make it happen.

So for example, we have just moved to live near to DH's parents who are in their 70s as while they don't need any help now, we know they will at some point in the next 10yrs.

My DM is very young (56!) so definitely doesn't need any help. I live 200 miles away but have already had the discussion that when she is elderly I'd like her to come and live with us.

I feel like I'm in the minority though these days?

I realise there are of course exceptions - any parental abuse and there will always be people who have very complex situations that mean it isn't possible (e.g. can't afford to move, already have children of their own with special needs, etc).

But I think it's sad that the average person either (a) thinks of it as an obligation/burden that they don't want to do or (b) thinks they don't have any obligation at all.

YABU my DM has dementia and secondary cancer. The dementia causes us the most stress and she has had this for a few years now. It impacts hugely on me and my family. I moved back to my home city a decade ago, primarily for work, but just in time for my DF to be diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My DF suffered but not for long. Dementia is relentless, you never know what you are going face each time you go in. We have carers 4x daily, a cleaner 3x weekly, a gardener and myself who goes in numerous times. If we go away I have to organise overnight care as there is no-one else for the night alarm and nursing homes in our area are full and no longer take in respite. I work full-time in a stressful job and try to juggle this to keep DM in her own home for as long as possible as I can, however, realistically if her condition deteriorates further then this will no longer be possible. I will never judge anyone for the decisions they make regarding care for their parents. You have to walk in their shoes

I meant to say I go in numerous times daily not weekly

I can see both side of the decision to look after elderly parents or not. I’m retired now but was a trained nurse as is my daughter. I my mother had me quite young (25) and I had my daughter even younger ( 20). When mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer my dd and I were both able to nurse her at home so that she didn’t have to go into a hospice. We both worked full time but because of our shifts we could be there for her.
We also had help from the district nurses at the very end.
Not everyone can do this because of the reasons mentioned by OP.
My kids were fully grown and DD had not yet started a family. I had also previously promised my DM that I would never coerce her to go in a home , unless she had a diagnosis of dementia. Looking after someone with dementia is very hard work and once they need 24 hour care many have to give up because not even the strongest person can be on duty 24/7, you have to sleep sometimes.
I also cared for my uncle in the same way because he wanted to die in his own bed , though his son wanted to ship him off to a hospice
It’s not always black and white and when I worked in a hospital there were definitely some families who could have cared for there loved ones but just didn’t want to.

Mil said to Sil when she got pregnant that her kids were her choice and not to be expecting her to look after them and she was true to her word - she never helped - but now she expects Sil to help her...we don't live close by so we haven't had help and aren't expected to help but I'd be pissed off if I was sil - but she's a bloody saint! And MIL could do so much more to lift the burden but she doesn't want to - it's a tad selfish of her but she gets away with it.

The expectation is selfish Also and there's plenty of that from some of the older generation. Why on earth would you be happy to let your DC run round after you? I'd think my parenting had gone sadly wrong. I hope for much more for my DC with their lives when I'vee had the best of mine.

I did it because I WANTED to. Because I loved them @cptartapp. Odd though that concept is on MN.

It is a lovely thought but in practice can have a detrimental impact on others in the house hold.
My paternal grandmother lived with my parents for 10 years. We were all extremely close and my mum called her mum they had such a bond. What my parents didnt realise was the huge impact having a third person (no matter the relation) living within the home would have upon their marriage.
Although my gran kept her marbles, physically she became more and more dependent on my mum especially.
Her last 18 months were spent in a nursing home when my parents could no longer give her the care she needed but by then it was too late for the marriage. They separated although they did eventually get back together my gran died thinking she was responsible for splitting them up. This was devastating for all my family for both of those reasons. She died heartbroken and my parents didnt have each other for the comfort they needed at such a difficult time.

As i said my parents did eventually get back together but my mum has made it clear they will not be leaving their home during old age. They have made modifications to the house so they can stay their as long as possible (they are only in mid 60's). She has also begged us not to take in our inlaws should such a need arise.
This is just my story and im sure that many many families have parents living with them and everything works out perfectly.
Its important to look at so many different factors before making a decision that has such a huge impact, good or bad on the whole family

God no. DH and I are busy working and enjoying our young family (exhausted too, lol). In no way will we be caring for elderly parents.

We get very nearly zero help from them. They’re busy enjoying themselves and long may that continue. We will follow their lead and pop over every month or so for a meal out, maybe a nice walk and maybe buy some flowers/cake etc as a treat.

We’re not expecting any inheritance, as they will need to use it for carers etc. My DF and FIL are both well off (and both still working in their late 60’s in their own businesses). MIL on the other hand very indulgently retired in her late 50’s with bugger all in her pension pot. She’s a long time divorced from FIL and will be a bit up shit creek other than her house which she would need to sell. She’s been dropping hints about living in an annex. Not going to happen!

OP I think you are being completely unreasonable!!!

After my DM passed away when I was 14 I largely brought myself up due to my DF being all consumed in grief. Don’t get me wrong he loved me and probably still does but there is no chance I’ll be looking after him as he ages.

He remarried and decided to move 5 hours away from where we lived. Has never once babysat for his grandchild and rarely contacts me from one month to the next to see how any of us are doing so why the hell should I have to make sacrifices when he is older to care for him when he won’t make any sacrifices to be involved in my life!

I did it because I WANTED to. Because I loved them@cptartapp. Odd though that concept is on MN.

The implication being that others dont want to and dont live their parents?

It's not that simple.

love

I know it’s not that simple. Plenty of people have said they don’t want to and won’t do it. Not can’t, won’t.

And branding people who children do care for them as utterly selfish is absolutely crass.

Just to give you a snapshot of what personal care can entail OP.....in the context of my DC who has severe learning difficulties and wheelchair-bound, but it may be relatable for anyone caring for a person with profound needs:

DH had one of his meltdowns this evening - deliberately destroyed one of his prized possessions and demanded we replace it, got angry when we said we couldn't. Lashed out as he does, shouting, hitting, swearing - I am a 'fucking bitch' apparently. I am nursing a cut finger now - not the worst injury I have had through caring, not by a long chalk.

Managed to calm him down and get him ready for bed, ie usual routine of toileting, washing and putting his pyjamas on. Ever tried to put a pair of pyjama bottoms onto a full grown adult who can't stand Op? It is really hard on your back, tugging them on horizontally.

I do this gladly because it is my DS and I am devoted to him, but I know that I just can't do this for anyone else. I feel I am at my limit already and will just have to suck up the guilt you try to make me feel.

I am constantly running for mine, I know I'll be the one to do it at the end, unless they get extreme dementia, DM is very forgetful and sick already, hopefully not on death's door for awhile.

OP I don't think you have a clue - come back after you've done all the things you've promised to do and share your thoughts and they might just be useful to others...at the moment you don't have a clue what you are capable of but you are doing a good job of being very judgemental - I doubt you'll feel the same way when you actually have some knowledge about what you are speaking about.

And branding people who children do care for them as utterly selfish is absolutely crass.

No more than you claiming you love your parents 'Odd though that concept is on MN'.

How is what you said any better? As though the rest of us couldnt love our parents if we arent prepared to do it.

I am not prepared to do it. Because my disabled mum and aunties needed help with my grandfather. Already done it for years while my, now 15 year old, was young. I also have an 8 year old and I am not prepared to miss out on them like I did before. Along with putting my mental health at risk and my career.

So no, I love my parents but I wont put my family through it again.

Dont really get how you think what you said is better

I didn’t say it was better. I didn’t imply what you inferred.

OP certainly does have children as she says it will be her DH who gives up his job to care for his elderly parents :
He will be a SAHD because I'm the breadwinner and his salary doesn't cover childcare costs in the South East.

Can you clear up whether you have DC please OP? Because if you do, moving away and doing a 3 hour commute every day each must surely impact them too?

I think it’s disgusting when people don’t value their parents. Remember karma. Even if you can’t do it personally, help with the arrangements or bring your parents closer to home. If you don’t do it for your parents, don’t expect it from your kids. Harsh but true. Thankfully I’m from a culture where we all look out for one another. I have my parents living with me and I’m happy about it. Can’t deny it is difficult with privacy and responsibilities but my parents made sacrifices I don’t know about. Whatever I do will never be enough. My children have such a loving bond with their grandparents. ❤️❤️ Look after your family. It’s the biggest blessing. So sad to hear many colleagues say they love their parents because they are far from them. I’m shocked. Understand that they love you. It’s not interference but love. But these days.... I’m actually making plans to leave this country in the future. The environment is not one I want for my kids. Country life is better.

I think it’s disgusting when people don’t value their parents. Remember karma. Even if you can’t do it personally, help with the arrangements or bring your parents closer to home. If you don’t do it for your parents, don’t expect it from your kids.

I think it's disgusting when people insist on judging others despite the fact they know nothing about those people's lives. My DM requires specialist care and flatly refused to move closer - so what exactly would you have me do? Load her in the car against her will?

I didn’t say it was better. I didn’t imply what you inferred.

You did. You said wanting to do it and living your parents was unheard on on mn.

@ahmadsmom2015 yet someone from your culture did move here?

If you move away what if you parents cant or wont? Or your kids, if they are older cant or wont? And if they are too young to make the decision, but not want to leave?

It might be difficult to believe but lots if kids have amazing bonds with grandparents without having to live with them.

Your irony detector isn’t working @Fierkin.

My family home was on the outskirts of London. My parents split up after I’d moved in with a friend. My mum met a new man and moved to Somerset. I got a job 150 miles away from family home in a different direction to my my mum. She rarely contacted me and had little interest in her grandchildren. Mostly because her new man didn’t like children.
Roll on 15 years and her new man died. She became friendly again until she met a new chap and moved to the south coast. Again...I hardly heard from her. Then the next chap died earlier this year.
Now my mum wants to see more of us. She can’t put us up. She can’t very easily stay here as she’s very overweight and can’t do stairs. She refuses to move up here, we are about 150 miles apart. I really feel for her as she’s near enough house bound and doesn’t know many people where she’s moved to, her cleaner does take her out once a week to the supermarket. She is only 72 but her weight is a serious problem.
I dread her getting older and needing help. I’ve never got on particularly well with her, but I still would rather she came nearer. But she won’t move.
I have children at school and a husband who has always lived where we are now, so I am definitely not going to move nearer her. So what can I do?
I think in a ideal world we should help with elderly parents. But it isn’t always possible.
We did look after the in laws in old age and it’s very hard work. They didn’t want to go into care homes, they got their wish. But it was hard.

Ah @TheKitchenWitch I took the comments about how he “will be” a SAHD as meaning she didn’t have any. I don’t think she has clarified though

@Alsohuman yeah ok. Of course when its pointed out that your comments arent better than the people you are annoyed at, you claim irony.

I believe you, honest.