...to think that children should look after elderly parents?

[wheresmymojo]

It's not a TAAT but inspired by another thread.

It seems to be a general trend that people feel like they shouldn't have any duty/obligation to care for their elderly parents anymore.

Partly I recognise that this is because societal trends make it harder to do elder care than it used to be - it's quite common to have two full time workers, be living quite far from your parents, still have DC to care for at the same time due to later births, etc.

I find it odd though that anyone wouldn't want to care for their elderly parents and find a way to make it happen.

So for example, we have just moved to live near to DH's parents who are in their 70s as while they don't need any help now, we know they will at some point in the next 10yrs.

My DM is very young (56!) so definitely doesn't need any help. I live 200 miles away but have already had the discussion that when she is elderly I'd like her to come and live with us.

I feel like I'm in the minority though these days?

I realise there are of course exceptions - any parental abuse and there will always be people who have very complex situations that mean it isn't possible (e.g. can't afford to move, already have children of their own with special needs, etc).

But I think it's sad that the average person either (a) thinks of it as an obligation/burden that they don't want to do or (b) thinks they don't have any obligation at all.

I like the principle. But in practice it would mean caring for my son while caring for 4 elderly people in two distant towns/countries at the same time, while working full time. I don’t believe that’s a good use of my one wild and wonderful life.

I would not want my child putting any of his plans on hold to care for me. Visit me, call me - don’t uproot your family and job for me! I am caring for him with the express intention of giving him secure grounding for his own wild and wonderful adventure. Leave me behind - my job is done! On that basis, I don’t feel bad about my reluctance to take on 4 other people. If we all care deeply and selflessly once, that’s surely enough...?

I think this is one of those subjects where you really do need to have walked the walk.

to those that have done, or are doing it.

@Myimaginarycathasfleas, truest words on this thread.

It really is down to distance, as simple as that.

My BiL lives with MiL, he has had to cope with a very ill FiL who died from his illness which meant he was bedbound and incontinent (spinal cancer), now MiL is very feeble and getting worse. She is currently in hospital due to various problems. We try to help when we can but due to distance, and the fact we have our own business, it really is down to my two BiLs. The one that lives with her is an absolute angel and never complains, I would hardly call it living for free, he pays with his time and everything he deals with, some things children should never have to do for their parents.

To be quite honest we could not cope with MiL living with us, we have grandchildren to look after after school too, and she basically can do very little for herself now, although she can cope with being alone n the house for a few hours at a time. She does have a lifeline pendant.

Much as we would love to be wonderful, sometimes it is not practical.

See where you’re coming from... had similar mother who made my childhood a misery and others... I was unfortunately left with being only person to be there for her when lovely father died 40yrs ago. I’m over 70 now and she’s just finally gone but so weird as I seem to have suddenly forgotten the load of misery she caused for all of us- maybe it’s just the release...... I could never forgive her whilst she was alive - not that she ever felt she owed anything etc.

if it wasn't for the inheritance issue, I'd wash my hands of them I think and move abroad. But I can see that at least one would write me out of the will. So I guess I'm stuck here

You aren’t stuck, you’re choosing to put your own desires behind the prospect of inheriting money from them. Your parents could live another 20-odd/30 years, or as someone else has said, the money could be swallowed up by care fees.

Oh the OP hasn’t come back, what a surprise.

I may have missed this, so sorry if I have, but where do your own children feature in all this, OP?
Because I can tell you from personal experience that looking after a parent who is ill, especially if they move in with you, is fucking hard on everyone and if I had known then what I know now I would absolutely not have done it. As it was, it was "only" 10 months from diagnosis to death, but the strain on me and my family has taken us years to get over and tbh we probably never will really. DS1 saw and heard things that a young child should never be faced with.

You are utterly naive and yes, I agree with PP, goady too.

MY DM ended up on antidepressants and BP medication running round after my GM. Children should absolutely not be under any obligation to look after elderly parents. This is what we work and save so for all our lives isn't it? To use non-means tested benefits and savings to buy in carers, cleaners, taxis, gardeners, etc. To expect a younger generation in the prime of their lives often with work and child rearing commitments to do it instead, is utterly utterly selfish.
Many older people's predicaments are of their own making, refusing to face reality and take responsibility to downsize to suitable living Staying in unsafe homes falling about all over the place, refusing care package and expecting family to jump to.
After witnessing this first hand in my own family and after 30 years of nursing, many of them as a district nurse, I am quite happy to say I would not have wanted to be my parents' carer. My own qualify of life and that of my DC comes first. And in reality, many people are living too long. And this is what happens.

My mum is 87 and my dad is 91. Neither of them will let me or other family help them, they are really proud people even though they need some help. It’s not always a simple choice.

Agree it's one thing having a parent move in where they have some issues, to look after them, but completely another when their issues need round the clock care or medical care only a nurse and doctor can provide.

I feel YABU to understand why, I'm a carer and for those caring for relatives full time before they come to a home it's a really difficult job. Unless the elderly person is fully mobile, no health conditions, fully continent (in which case why would they need care) it's exhausting. They can wake several times a night, needing assistance, confused, just general messed up body clock. They sometimes needs constant reassurance or watching. The reasons just go on and on.

I have no intention of looking after my parents - I live too far away and they'd be a bloody nightmare to live with - 3 days is my limit, they weren't particularly great parents, as neglectful as many were in the 70s and the 80s...would consider MIL but according to SIL she's a bloody nightmare too but at least she'd be grateful.
Dh and I have our retirement well funded we won't be relying on our dcs for care - mind you they won't be receiving a big inheritance as a result - but they know that already!

I was aged 10 + when I had to feed,clean and change my incontinenant gran every night because my mother worked permanent nights.When she died bless her it was a huge relief on our family.
When my mum had cancer aged 65 was bedridden I again nursed her at home with a baby and 2 teens at home.I'm glad I did it for my mum but it was horrific.....I have made all my children promise me that if I develope dementia they refuse to look after me and put me in a home,this is something thst I feel strongly about after my young caring days..They can visit check all is well and I'm cared for properly! No family should be put through what we went through,putting a parent in a caring home is sometimes the better option.

I care for my 89 year nan who is in early stages of Alzheimers. My Uncle lives abroad so not really involved easily, and my mum doesnt want to give up her life for the next however many years caring for her mum when she doesnt particularly like her anyway.

Its not easy. I have 3 primary school age children & a shift working husband. I've been sat in hospitals all night, only to have to get my kids up & to school, to then have to return to hospital. I've had call outs multiple times a night by the care alarm company, mostly its nan accidentally setting it off.

I've been bitched and moaned about. She refuses to do anything that could help ease my burden. A simple trip to tescos takes the best part of 3 hours because she refuses to use a wheelchair but can barely walk. We have her round here consistently & take her out but she tells everyone she sees no one and has no help.

I've had to help her in the toilet after she broke an arm (not envy).

I have 3 siblings who wont help. My mum says when she is old she wants to just go and live alone & die alone as she doesnt want us to care for her and she hates that i have to care for Nan. She thinks nan should do more to help herself & move into a home.

@wheresmymojo you simply have this unrealistic view of what caring for the elderly actually entails because you havent done it yet, therefore you are wholly unqualified to say what you said.

Thank you for branding my beloved parents utterly selfish @cptartapp. I can assure you nothing could be further from the truth.

People should look after their parents IF they want to and are able to. If you don't want to look after an elderly parent and feel forced to you will all be miserable. And if you can't, you can't. Parents have obligations to children because they brought them into the world. It's not the same the other way round. You sound like you are very keen to parent your PIL and someday your mother, OP. Why is that? If your PIL are only 70 they will probably not need you "in the next ten years" and would probably be offended at the suggestion.

She didn’t say that, Also. She said the expectation was selfish.

I may have missed this, so sorry if I have, but where do your own children feature in all this, OP?

Oh, she’s not got any. But she’s not let it stop her trying to tell the rest of us how we should be raising theirs.

*ours

I can see both sides.

My parents sold their house and moved into my grandparents house so my father could be the carer for my gps because my granny was extremely frail.

My dad is strung out, we lost my granny last year and now it’s just my grandad he is caring for. My grandad is almost 90, still going very strong with slight signs of mild dementia. I feel sorry for my parents because although I know they love my grandad I can see how much this is stressing him and my mum out.

On the flip side me and my DH have said to his mum if she ever needs to move in with us there would have to be conditions, help to buy a bigger house to accommodate her and if It came to it then she would have to have carers in because neither he nor I could face doing the toiling if that what was needed to be done.

My parents have always said, since me and my brother were young to let them retire somewhere by the sea and stick them in a care home. They saw various family members be worn down by caring for elderly and ailing relatives and are now experiencing it. They don’t want to put me and my DB through it.

I helped my maternal grandfather care for my other granny after she had 2 strokes, it was bloody hard work. Worth it but very hard work for 2 years.

I can see the motivation for caring for your parents, I’m a huge family person. But I know and can see how hard it is on all involved.

for everyone.
"And maybe we need to think more carefully about endless interventions for the very elderly." A pp said this. Absolutely agree. What do others think?

Would you fill in a form like in the link? compassionindying.org.uk/library/advance-decision-pack/

There has to be a way to stop
this endless suffering? A checklist for the elderly, where if quality of life is diminished below a certain level, antibiotics are withheld. Is it nasty of me to think this?

No, @Charley50, you’re not nasty. You’re right.