...to think that children should look after elderly parents?

[wheresmymojo]

It's not a TAAT but inspired by another thread.

It seems to be a general trend that people feel like they shouldn't have any duty/obligation to care for their elderly parents anymore.

Partly I recognise that this is because societal trends make it harder to do elder care than it used to be - it's quite common to have two full time workers, be living quite far from your parents, still have DC to care for at the same time due to later births, etc.

I find it odd though that anyone wouldn't want to care for their elderly parents and find a way to make it happen.

So for example, we have just moved to live near to DH's parents who are in their 70s as while they don't need any help now, we know they will at some point in the next 10yrs.

My DM is very young (56!) so definitely doesn't need any help. I live 200 miles away but have already had the discussion that when she is elderly I'd like her to come and live with us.

I feel like I'm in the minority though these days?

I realise there are of course exceptions - any parental abuse and there will always be people who have very complex situations that mean it isn't possible (e.g. can't afford to move, already have children of their own with special needs, etc).

But I think it's sad that the average person either (a) thinks of it as an obligation/burden that they don't want to do or (b) thinks they don't have any obligation at all.

@CallmeAngelina, that’s the perfect way to look after a much loved parent. You really have done your dad proud. I hope that knowledge will make the coming weeks easier for you all. 💐

Thank you, both. x

I’d say less than half of people have great parents they are close to. It’s kind of naive to think this is a reality OP.

I find the residents I care for whose family work but insist on taking an active part in their care are the ones who are neglected. Families are often too blinkered to accept that their loved one is declining and needs more than they're able to offer.

I can't count the number of times I've spent my break sneaking laundry out of a resident's flat because family take care of the laundry but the resident has run out of clean clothes and bedding due to soiling themselves and the family still clings to the routine of doing their washing once a week because they refuse to believe how often the resident is soiling themselves and try to blame carers for not putting on incontinence pads instead of accepting that the residents cognitive impairment is worsening and they can't remember what the pad is and why they're wearing it so they remove it and hide it because they're ashamed and confused. Or the amount of times I've stolen tea bags, milk and biscuits from the staff room because the family haven't had time to go grocery shopping on the designated day or assumed another family member was going that week.

And I've just remembered, I owe a co-worker a frozen pizza because I shared theirs with a resident whose grocery shopping got delayed by a family emergency. I told him it was mine and I'd brought it in for my lunch but decided I didn't fancy it. He refused to eat it unless I shared it with him.

So for example, we have just moved to live near to DH's parents who are in their 70s as while they don't need any help now, we know they will at some point in the next 10yrs.

Those are very noble sentiments, OP, but you don't yet know what their needs will be. Come back when one or both has dementia and you are their sole carer and let us know how you're getting on.

@CallmeAngelina You and your family have done your dad proud.

He sounds like a lovely man

@Frequency You are going above and beyond and should have a higher wage

Why do you think your parents living with you is the best way to care for them? I never understood that assumption. It MAY be the best way to care for them, depending on a lot of different factors about the family situation and the level of care that your parent requires, but more often the parents receive better quality care when they live in assisted living quarters or a care home. Obviously you can still visit them lots and help out with things.

Also a lot of people want their independence from family. It's a matter of pride. My mother has repeatedly told me that she'd be furious with me if I moved her into my own home and made a burden of her. She said she'd rather have her own space, even if that's in a care home. She said she never wants me to wipe her bum for her and would much rather a caring professional did it to save her the embarassment. I think there are plenty of older people who feel this way.

The majority of care workers do the same, Helena. It's not often we get our full designated break or work our usual rota but I enjoy my job for the most part. There are parts of it I don't like but the good outweighs the bad and we'll always figure out a way to fit in lunch and coffee breaks. Often everyone's break is cut short because one carer misses theirs so we all pick up a call each for them to make sure they still have time for a coffee and a sandwich. And we know if we leave our food in the staff room for any length of time it's likely to end up on a resident's plate. That works both ways though. There are residents who'll spare us a cup of milk and a few spoons of coffee when we're desperate and have run dry.

@Frequency - you speak a lot of sense and come across as a brilliant carer. People like you are worth their weight in gold.

I'm thankful that when my elderly parents needed care in their last few years, they were fortunate to have some truly wonderful carers who made life as comfortable and bearable as it could be, considering the toll that old age, mobility issues and dementia took on them. They were independent until their mid 70s, but went downhill in their 80s. For some years I supported them in their own home, I did their shopping and laundry, paid the bills and employed a cleaner to help out. As their needs grew I employed agency carers to visit 4 times each day, and visited most days for a chat and to check things were OK. Often things would crop up between the carers' calls - e.g. sometimes my mother would decline help from the carer to visit the toilet, saying she'd "just been", then I would arrive to find her sat in her own faeces/urine, and would get her showered and dressed in clean clothes, just in time for the next carer to arrive, who then had nothing to do! So, I know all about the reality of filling in the care gaps during those long periods between calls - 4 hours is a long time for anyone to be left in that state, but it can happen so easily.

OP comes across as naive and judgemental, and may find that the reality of being a hands on carer is very different from being one step removed.

@OP - there's a wise expression: the word "should" is best applied only to oneself. Some people are very resiliant and patient, and caring for their elderly parents comes naturally to them, whilst others find it completely intolerable. In between there are all sorts of people just doing what they can to help their elderly parents, while trying to preserve their own health/sanity. It's probably the toughest job in the world, so it's not something to be taken on lightly, and I would never judge someone who feels they are not able to take the job on.

I grew up with always at least one grandparent living with us but they didn't require care. On the other hand we had a great aunt staying with us after she had a stroke, and having symptoms like severe dementia. It very quickly became apparent that there was absolutely no way my mum could look after her, and also given that her behaviour was also upsetting my grandad who already lived with us and was making him ill, the best place for her was in a home where she could receive specialist care.

My parents both lived with us but my dad died earlier this year. In what turned out to be the last ten days of his life he needed round the clock palliative care that was best provided in a home. My mum and I had been looking after him for months after his health took a turn for the worst and he had been in and out of hospital, but it had also really taken a toll on my DM's health, who is nearly 80. He really was in the best place.

So I think there are a lot of conditions and illnesses and situations where professionals can provide better care. And also plenty of people are estranged from their parents, for good reason. I am in a family where we do try and stay close and look after one another, and living in a multi-generational household is normal to me, but we are very lucky that mostly we do get on very well.

On the flip side , DH and I hope we can make provision so that DS does not have to look after us if and when it comes to it. Not always possible I know. But e.g. putting in place LPOA helps as a starting point.

Depends on the family dynamic
No way in hell would i have cared for my father, Id have pulled the plug. The guy who beat me, neglected me all for the pokies and alcohol didnt deserve my care in his final years.

Me and dp are looking at moving state within the next 2 to 5 years, AWAY from his aging parents. We wont stay in a dying state that will just disadvantage us and DD just to be their carers, nor would we move back to the city to be closer cos as it is we and hour and a half away.

My mum is over 80 and healthy, why should she uproot herself to live with us? The same is with my PIL. They wouldn't want to trade independence and their comfortable living to a bedroom and shared bathroom in our house.

I think the OP has a strange view of what modern days pensioners are able to do.

My mum also had to care for my grandmother temporarily when my aunt (main carer) was serious ill. That meant a huge disruption of our family life, my mum had no time for us children, all was dictated by an elderly, very ill and disabled lady.
Very soon after my aunt took over again mum said to us that no one should do this, she would happily go into a home than destroying a family's life.

Unless you know what caring for a permanent ill person means I think no one has the right to judge anyone opting for a care home.

Thanks Op for making me feel guilty. What would you suggest I do? I have a DC with severe physical & learning disabilities, I already care for him including toileting, feeding etc. I have done this for years and will continue to do it until I drop. I also have a full time job which I need as I live in an expensive area (where social care is good).

Do you think I should feel guilty for feeling that I can't take on anyone else's care and that I am neglecting my elderly DPs? Because I can't help but feel it - yet I feel I just can't do any more and my first duty is to my DC. Don't make me feel worse than I already do about that.

Oh and btw when I get old there will be nobody to take care of me. I am resigned to that and what's more would hate it if anyone had their lives turned upside down because of me.

LivjngToTheFull Don’t be made to feel guilty by the smug pontificating of a woman who does not actually do any caring for parents, and hasn’t even had experience of caring for children yet 🤣. She has about a zillionth of your own experience!

I do wonder whether this whole thread was one of the more sophisticated deliberate GF threads.

I help my parents about 4-6 hours a day, I'm desperately behind with work, my house is falling to bits, i have to beg other people to walk my dogs and I miss my YA kids. My sister is currently staying with them for a few days to give me a break. I spent most of yesterday asleep. I love my Dad with all my heart but i don't have more than a few more months in me.

My parents chose to move 6 hours away when they retired. I will not be majorly disrupting my life or my children's life to care for them at that distance in future.
We have broached the subject of have you thought about the future when you might need help, but they said they don't want to come to us and will stay where they are perhaps in a more low maintenance home. The same plan applied in a scenario when one is left alone.
So it seems they don't want me involved although this could well change in future. They are early seventies and health is all good for now.

I've made it clear to my mum that I won't be acting as a carer for either her or my dad.

I'm 26, two children (5uears and 6mnths) and my dad has been ill since I was 13.

He's now at the point where he can't be alone and gets so confused. I tried helping out a couple of weeks ago but it was like having another toddler.

It sounds harsh, but I don't want to waste my children's childhood careing for him.

I take them to visit but I want to spend my weekends and evenings with them, having fun and being their mum.

I think it's unfair to burden care onto children. If someone needs care then they need professional help. (which I've told my mum plenty of times)

I won't expect my children to care for me. I don't want them to do that. I want them to have me as a mum and then go and enjoy their lives. If I need care as an elderly adult I'll have to find a home.

Well bully for you. But mine and DHs parents live 300 miles apart, if we move closer to one set we are further away from the other set.

Neither has suitable employment opportunities for us anywhere near (one v rural one coastal). Our DS is settled in school and we have both got jobs we have been in for over 10 years.

We have never had any help with DS or any other support from them.

In our situation I could ask why our parents won’t move closer to us

@Dandelion1993 absolutely the right decision, I spent my childhood with my mum prioritising her mum over me at every turn. It contributed significantly to mental health issues I experienced later in life. Once you are a parent kids are your priority

I won’t be looking after mine, that’ll fall to their gold child

Unfortunately the OP's ideas that families should do everything they can to support and help their elderly parents ties in nicely with what the government and local authorities actually do (not what they say). Four visits a day is just that when the carers only have time to just change a pad, get someone dressed and put a plain meal in front of them before having to dash off across town to the next client. They may want to do a lot more but there is no time so families will end up doing quite a lot.

Op just do what feels right for you and your family. You’ve not even had to deal with any care aspect yet, so a bit soon to be making statements about what everyone else should be doing when you’ve not done it yet.

You’ve also backtracked into lots of sub-scenarios where your thoughts on this apparently don’t apply (thanks for the oh so generous exemptions, according to your rules ) So surely that proves every family has subtly differing dynamics.

I’m always mystified as to why anyone starts threads like this declaring what others should be doing based on their own life.