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Original poster

...to think that children should look after elderly parents?

999 replies

wheresmymojo · 19/08/2019 12:06

It's not a TAAT but inspired by another thread.

It seems to be a general trend that people feel like they shouldn't have any duty/obligation to care for their elderly parents anymore.

Partly I recognise that this is because societal trends make it harder to do elder care than it used to be - it's quite common to have two full time workers, be living quite far from your parents, still have DC to care for at the same time due to later births, etc.

I find it odd though that anyone wouldn't want to care for their elderly parents and find a way to make it happen.

So for example, we have just moved to live near to DH's parents who are in their 70s as while they don't need any help now, we know they will at some point in the next 10yrs.

My DM is very young (56!) so definitely doesn't need any help. I live 200 miles away but have already had the discussion that when she is elderly I'd like her to come and live with us.

I feel like I'm in the minority though these days?

I realise there are of course exceptions - any parental abuse and there will always be people who have very complex situations that mean it isn't possible (e.g. can't afford to move, already have children of their own with special needs, etc).

But I think it's sad that the average person either (a) thinks of it as an obligation/burden that they don't want to do or (b) thinks they don't have any obligation at all.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 19/08/2019 22:42

When im old i wouldn't want to burden dd...the occasional chat and cuppa would enough for me.

YesQueen · 19/08/2019 22:50

I worked as a carer, and it's bloody hard. Physically as well as emotionally. Some families did a lot, some did nothing but I would never judge them for their choices
One woman had calls 4 times a day so she could be washed, hoisted from bed to chair etc. Family came in and made meals, washed her hair, did the laundry, ordered medication and she was in a really nice sheltered accommodation. That worked because we did the physical/intimate care and they did the other bits
Some people had no family, some didn't want family caring for them (when you're 22 you don't want your catheter changing by your mum!), some family had cared for people but it had broken down due to the strain and they were so relieved to have carers in

cadburyegg · 19/08/2019 23:01

My dad is 86 and has Alzheimer’s. At the moment he physically copes ok, can make himself a sandwich and heat up a meal. My mum is there most of the time and when she isn’t, a carer goes in. My dad has 2 other children, my half siblings. One of them does not live in this country, the other one has no interest at all in providing any sort of help. He wouldn’t even go once a month to sit with dad. I don’t really blame him - dad was abusive and not a good father. However, I do feel an obligation to ensure he is cared for.

However I’m 32, and 2 DC aged 4 and 1 and work part time. I do have a DH, who works full time and some weekends. My life is already a sleep deprived juggling act and so providing any regular care for my dad would be impossible. I once went to see my dad when my mum had gone out for the day and had to take my 2 DC, in the 3 minutes it took for me to take my eldest - who was 3 at the time- to the toilet my dad had picked up the baby and taken him into another room. I have no idea how he managed to lift him, let alone trip up and drop him. I haven’t been there with the DC without my DH since. Dad is also irrational - often flips and loses his temper at the slightest thing. Sometimes the things he says and does are just not appropriate for young DC to witness. My mum wants to visit her family for the weekend later this year (without dad) and I have said that as long as my DH is not working so can look after the DC, I will go and see him. I need to put my DC first.

We don’t have space here for my parents to live with us, and it also wouldn’t be appropriate for the same reasons as above. They live about 30 minutes away and we can’t afford to move closer because their house is a 3 bedroom terrace worth over 600k and our current house (which was at the top of our budget) is a 3 bedroom semi worth 300k.

I know that even my mum will not be able to provide 24/7 nursing care even though she states that she wants to. I don’t think she has any clue what it would involve (I witnessed my DH’s nan deteriorate due to dementia over several years, so i have more of a realistic idea).

To add to the above, my DH is an only child. So the 2 of us are potentially facing the prospect of having 4 elderly parents to arrange care for (or do it ourselves), as well as holding down a job each and taking care of our own children…. Hmm

Popsicle434544 · 19/08/2019 23:02

My childhood memories are being home alone with my brother, caring for ourselves, having random neibours look out for us whilst my mother was out drinking most nights and shagging and bringing home different men, and then after just turning 15 i was thrown out.
For those reasons i wont be taking care of her in her old age.
But if id had a happy normal childhood, without a doubt i would be there, i think thats the right thing to do.

LatteLove · 19/08/2019 23:17

The other thing I've found interesting on this thread is the number of people caring for their in laws. Is that not their in laws children's job, ie their partner? Why do some people take responsibility for this?

My mum’s mum was more of a mother to my dad than his own cunt of a mother ever was.

BongosMingo · 19/08/2019 23:19

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

LatteLove · 19/08/2019 23:26

Where have you gone OP?

Have people posted enough to make you realise that there’s an awful lot more to providing care to people who actually need said care than popping round for a cuppa, digging up a few weeds, and buying a few groceries at Asda?

altiara · 19/08/2019 23:27

I wouldn’t say it’s a general trend. You might think that from reading select threads on mumsnet, but people tend to post when they want to vent about something or get advice, not usually when they want to tell everyone look at me I’m moving near my in-laws and my mum will live with me when she’s old.

MrsBertBibby · 19/08/2019 23:30

You have no bloody idea what caring for an elderly relative means.

Come back and preach when you do.

Twat.

PuzzledObserver · 19/08/2019 23:37

If an elderly person refuses to go into a home, or have carers at home, and they have capacity, then that is their right.

As it is the right of their adult children to refuse to enable this behaviour by picking up the responsibility when it is breaking them.

Whosorrynow · 19/08/2019 23:56

Exactly, the price of having the care of elderly people done in the home by the extended family is that women don't get to have fulfilling lives with careers of their choosing, instead they have to just be unpaid drudges, doing the work that everyone thinks should be done by the family as long as it's the women in the family 🙄

CallmeAngelina · 19/08/2019 23:59

@PinkBuffalo, Flowers for you. xx

ThighThighOfthigh · 20/08/2019 00:04

The very elderly get to a place of bottomless need. It's very sad for them and a harrowing time if you try to provide the level of care they require. For years and years.

Namenic · 20/08/2019 00:06

@Whosorrynow - whilst that does seem to be the case in the main, I have known men who do a lot too. Hopefully this will increase. The other thing to bear in mind is that often carers are women too - and not paid very much money. Both childcare and elderly care is not very well paid. Society has failed to recognise the value of the work they do.

PickAChew · 20/08/2019 00:13

We live near to where DH's lnow ate parents lived. over 100 miles from mine (younger). Meanwhile, our children are established in special schools funded by LEA, which can't be funded by my parents' LEA, because no such provision exists there, for one of them (and LEA probably wouldn't fund the very specific provision of the other). DH wouldn't find work there, either.

They had a window to move nearer to us, but buggered if we're fucking up the kids' education to move nearer to them.

Glasscrab · 20/08/2019 00:16

So, you’re pontificating about something you

(a) haven’t done yet and
(b) won’t actually have to do because your husband is going to bear the brunt of it when he’s not
(c) looking after the children you don’t have yet

But you still think other people are really, really selfish for not making all the sacrifices you are.

HelenaDove · 20/08/2019 00:16

We may have people in their early 70s working in nursing homes instead/as well as residing there.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/08/2019 00:23

It's a very involved subject, and while my own parents are dead now my view was always that the key is supporting family, which may or may not involve helping in the way OP means

Putting it very broadly, helping could be doing every last thing for them, whereas supporting is more about making sure it's done (and not necessarily in person). Or to put it another way it's the age old boundaries thing - something we all get wrong at times, but which is necessary for everyone's sake

JMoore · 20/08/2019 00:25

My father is 85 and still relatively fit, lives alone in his own house. We live over 300 km away from him. He would never move here, and we cannot move near him because of work.

DH's parents are both over 80 and live in a different country, around 800 km away from us. They would never move nearer to us (They don't speak the language where we live), and we cannot move nearer to them either.

As nice as the sentiment is, that children should take care of their parents in old age, in modern society, where people often have to move far away from their families to be able to find decent work, it's not always possible.

CallmeAngelina · 20/08/2019 00:29

I never thought I'd feel lucky to be in the situation we are in with my dear, sweet and lovely old dad, but reading this thread has made me realise I am.

We looked after him as best we could, up until just under a year ago. When my mum died, after over 60 years of happy marriage, he made a really good stab at living alone. Fortunately, my sister (who doesn't go out to work) was a few minutes away, but my brother (to an extent) and I did as much as we could (both with demanding careers) each of us living over 2 hours away (not helped by the fact that Dad lives in a tourist area, so travel times are invariably lengthened by holiday traffic). Dad was sweetly grateful for absolutely everything. He is (fortunately) comfortably off, and could therefore pay for cleaning, gardening and ironing to be done. Sweet bil did any handy/DIY jobs for him. Meals were delivered from a cordon bleu company, and we would either cook for him at weekends or invote him to ours/take him out for trips/meals. Old family friends, grandchildren and cousins all visited often, because they respected and loved him. We made sure the house was fitted with all the support aids he needed as his mobility declined. When, finally, the Occ Health people came to assess him, every single suggestion on their list, we had already sorted independently.
My sister was on-hand to help transport to medical appointments, even though he could drive at that point.
Then, quite suddenly last summer, he went into a rapid decline. He started collapsing in the house (and was very good about always wearing his alarm), and also to lose cognitive function. He would start trying to change TV channels with his mobile phone. My sister was being called up to 5 times a day for help - he couldn't manage toiletting anymore - and the twice-daily carers who came, weren't sufficient.
The biggest thing we have to be grateful for, was HIS decision that he no longer wanted to live alone and he asked us to find a residential home for him. I heard him tell numerous people subsequently that this was his decision alone (although unbeknownst to him, my sister and I had begun researching local places already, as she was in despair at the amount of support she was giving by then).
He is very happy there, and it came just at the right time, as his cancer then resurfaced quite aggressively.

And here we are now, with him confined to bed, doubly incontinent, muddled and confused, but with pain relief managed well. The care home staff are wonderful - possibly helped by the fact that he is so nice to them too - always says please and thank you and chats to them. They seem genuinely fond of him - lots of them pop in to see him when they're not even due, and if he is asleep they gently stroke his hair and smile at him. One of the managers even popped in when she was on leave to check on him.

He is now very close to death - maybe a few more days with him, if we are lucky. I cannot bear to think of what's coming, but I do know, OP, that even though we could not care for him at home any longer, we 3 "children" have done him (and my mum) proud. Do we pass your judgemental "test?" not that I give a fuck

EmeraldShamrock · 20/08/2019 00:31

@PinkBuffalo Flowers
OP has no idea what she is talking about, it is one of those things you can only understand from experience, OP is imaging her future. Hmm
I hope things get better for you, I don't doubt they will, ignore ignorant comments so many young DC are forgotten carers, each one of them very special.

Davros · 20/08/2019 00:33

It isn't usually "children" who look after elderly parents, it generally falls to women. All the great family elderly care in other countries is largely because women take it on

EmeraldShamrock · 20/08/2019 00:34

@CallmeAngelina Your post made me well up. Flowers

DimplesToadfoot · 20/08/2019 00:42

My parents both abandoned me to be bought up in a children's home, I can't for one minute think why I would want to care for them in their old age.

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