...to think that children should look after elderly parents?

[wheresmymojo]

It's not a TAAT but inspired by another thread.

It seems to be a general trend that people feel like they shouldn't have any duty/obligation to care for their elderly parents anymore.

Partly I recognise that this is because societal trends make it harder to do elder care than it used to be - it's quite common to have two full time workers, be living quite far from your parents, still have DC to care for at the same time due to later births, etc.

I find it odd though that anyone wouldn't want to care for their elderly parents and find a way to make it happen.

So for example, we have just moved to live near to DH's parents who are in their 70s as while they don't need any help now, we know they will at some point in the next 10yrs.

My DM is very young (56!) so definitely doesn't need any help. I live 200 miles away but have already had the discussion that when she is elderly I'd like her to come and live with us.

I feel like I'm in the minority though these days?

I realise there are of course exceptions - any parental abuse and there will always be people who have very complex situations that mean it isn't possible (e.g. can't afford to move, already have children of their own with special needs, etc).

But I think it's sad that the average person either (a) thinks of it as an obligation/burden that they don't want to do or (b) thinks they don't have any obligation at all.

It's very tiring, desperately tiring mentally, physically and emotionally to care for even the most beloved parent. People are living so long but not happily.

I know a woman in her 70s who has been helping her mum care for her demented, doubly incontinent dad for 10 years now (she moved in). She was crying the other day saying she wished she was dead.

I definitely have mixed emotions about the care I give my "D"M but she gave me very, very little care when I was young.

"Have the men had enough?" by Margaret Forster is a fictional take on this very scenario.

Excellent read (as always by that author).

OP, who do you think would have paid my mortgage while I looked after my DM? She couldn't have lived with me and I certainly couldn't afford to cut my hours as DH works part time for health reasons.

I haven't read the full thread but you are very unreasonable. We've had to make the (heartbreaking) decision today to put my Mum permanently into residential care. She has dementia, doubly incontinent, can't feed herself, has a hospital bed and hoist at home. We've been supporting Mum, Dad as her primary carer along with professional carers, but have concluded with adult social services this isn't enough, she needs 24 hour care, which we can't do.

So you are incredibly unreasonable, walk in the shoes of a family that have been doing this over 2 years and watching her decline more and more. We will continue to support my elderly father in his 80s at home, but can't do this any more for Mum.

You haven't got a clue have you OP. How on earth can you judge when you haven't walked a step in their shoes.

Good luck OP if your parents live to be as old,frail and yet determined to stay in their own home and be 'independent ' as mine.It feels as if my mum has been preparing to die for years.Of course I want her to be safe,comfortable and be a good daughter.I shop,do her washing etc .The practical things are the easiest.The hardest is the emotional toll it's taking on us all.
If I don't go I feel guilty.If I go I get exasperated.
My mum has been retired almost as long as she worked,and her retirement was just that.A rest.No elderly parents to care for.Occasional care of grandchildren if it suited,not out of necessity.Apart from a bit of cleaning me and my siblings haven't outsourced any care -yet.But it's getting close to doing so.And I won't feel guilty for that.

Biscuit eater?

Aurorie you have my sympathy. It truly is Heart breaking. Been there, done that, twice. It's the worst feeling in the world but so much better knowing there is someone on tap to deal with issues there and then. You visiting your mum, with peace of mind, will mean the world to you and your mum, once you have adjusted. Adult social care is the pits!

@Aurorie11 I’m in the same boat with my mum. Sending understanding hugs.

YABU

I was an elderly care nurse and many older people require round the clock care which can involve specialist equipment, continence products, a special diet, endless laundry and cleaning up, regular medication adjustments, pressure area care, safety devices, bathing equipment, wound care, continuous monitoring of their multiple medical problems, admissions to hospital and that's before potential dementia.

Elderly care is not about granny sitting crocheting in the corner whilst fondly smiling at the grandchildren. It's a damned hard slog with no respite which many families are simply unable to provide for countless reasons.

Op says that dementia is a special circumstance that excuses caring for a relative in her opinion. Dementia is actually becoming the new normal, I don’t really know anyone who isn’t affected by it. Years ago people died younger and quicker, there wasn’t the pressure on families that there is now. Sandwich generation here, I couldn’t look after my Dad when he was getting ill because he was shitting on the floor whilst my son was at the crawling phase.
Op you have the complacency of someone who has never witnessed dementia, Parkinson’s, Huntington’s, MND and do we should just live up to your standards. Good luck with caring for you IL’s, and the very easy time they will have getting old.

You don't have to have a diagnosis of dementia to have impaired cognitive functioning, so even non demented elderly parents can be challenging to care for due to this. And that's without anxiety, depression, personality and behavioural issues.

My mum has always implied to me I'd have to look after her. However now it's crunch time she doesn't accept any help and then moans to everyone that I do nothing. When she was ill I offered her to come and live with us for a bit, but she refused multiple times, while all the while playing the 'poor me, No-one there to care for me, my children don't want to know' line.

Grrrrr

@Shinyletsbebadguys spot on

I will tell my nans story so you understand that not all elderly people are sweet compliant old dears who want to be cared for by their children!!

I loved my Nan very much but she got more stubborn & difficult as she aged.
My mum & Nan didn't really get on - they lived together for all of 3 days once!!

But when my Nan became forgetful & neglected her personal hygiene, me & mum offered to help her or get carers many times.

She refused & got nasty with us.
'I'm not stupid' she would say.
Her bathroom was smeared with faeces & her kitchen was dirty but when my mum tried to clean it she got yelled at.
She fell many times & we had to get the paramedics to lift her as we both have bad backs.

Then Nan started seeing 'other people' in her flat. She was vicious to mum because Mum was honest enough to say that the 'others' didn't exist.
But it was A YEAR before the doctor sectioned her for Psychosis.

It turned out she had dementia too.
By then she was a tortured soul. A danger to herself by threatening suicide & wandering outside.
It took the nurses at the emi unit 2 weeks to covertly medicate her with anti psychotics. They recommended a dementia home & were going to fund it but she sadly died from aspiration pneumonia aged 91 while still sectioned.

Could i have cared for her at my home if she'd survived the pneumonia??

Hmm. I'm a trained HCA but she didn't want family to do personal care. Nor did she like carers.
The anti psychotics had to be given covertly - if she missed a dose she became very agitated again & it was scary.
She was also a sundowner - awake from the early hours every night.

I have MH illness myself & work too so I wouldn't have coped. If she'd gone to the home I could have visited regularly & she would have enjoyed seeing me. If I'd ended up caring for her she'd have hated me trying to get her to do things. So it wouldn't have worked out.

I can't read all in case I explode. .
I had children because I wanted them, not for them to look after me . As it happens I do need care and help , but am coping the best I can with minimal help. When the time comes I will get carers or get a one way ticket.
Dh had a relative who was old ,wealthy single and horrid. He is deceased now,but for years had us at his beck and call several times a day and night. He always complained and never said thanks. And was angry if dh was ill .
The whole thing put a severe strain on our marriage, to the extent that I am not sure we can recover.
I am ill and my dh will not give me a 10th of the care he did his relative.
I best say no more.

We are going through all this with my mum. She's been declining for years, and now has dementia, incontinence, can't walk, can't stand up, doesn't eat, can't read or hear. In and out of hospital, she gets worse every time. Her quality of life is now shit, she has no autonomy and no dignity. Endless problems. It's taking over me and my siblings life. My teen DS is missing out on me. I was berated by my sibling for saying it would have kinder if she had died when she had pneumonia last year, but I feel that more and more.

For everyone saying they don't want this to be their life, or for their kids life as carers, they need to do something about it. They need to write down their refusal to accept treatment, now, not when they hit 75.
Just refusing antibiotics after a certain stage can avoid years of illness, stress and indignity.

Cryalot

OP YABVVU. Also sanctimonious, clueless and utterly lacking in empathy.

I don’t want my DS ever to have to provide me with the care I provided to my DM before she moved into residential care. I also don’t want him to experience the guilt and exhaustion that I now experience.

To be fair to OP, I have worked in health sector and there is a wide variety of responsiveness of families. Sometimes it is sad that there is no next of kin. It is amazing what a few non-related people do: there are neighbours/friends who come in a few times a week to see people.

Some people - often (but not always) ethnic minorities - have crowds of people visiting. It does seem nice that they have a close knit family and I would like my family to be caring like this. It is worth thinking about what allows for this - is it some demographic factors (eg more children per generation, or some stay at home relatives who have time or location in UK or types of jobs which do not involve travel/relocation)? Is it cultural?

My parents have moved to another country. Since then have, as with age, developed health conditions. Myself and brother both work. We won't be able to drop everything and go and help them. I have pointed this out. They say they'll be fine.
Stubborn is not the word. I am of the view (right now) they are burying their heads in the sand and will leave it to late before making any decisions. I'm angry now and say I won't go to help.
In my heart I feel it is my duty to care for them so don't know what will happen😕

Man plans, God laughs.

Good luck on your journey to the sunlit uplands of your imaginary future OP and enjoy the view when you get there. Here's hoping that the recipients of your largesse (well, mostly your husband's largesse) are suitably grateful. And also have the decency to decline gently and gracefully according to the schedule you have planned, preferably one at a time to avoid any clash of care needs, without developing any conditions like depression or dementia that would be a bit of a downer and don't suit the plan. Hopefully they will need and want you mostly to do the quite-nice bits like tending to their nice garden and putting away shopping, instead of the more yukky or emotionally unpleasant stuff. And then, when things start to get a bit, you know, intense and horrible and depressing for everyone they will pop off quickly and you can inherit. Result!

To everyone struggling through the bog carrying as much weight of various kinds as they can without being broken in body or spirit; to everyone crying in the privacy of their car and then getting on with it- strength to you. Oldqueen1969's post nailed it.

To Frequency, Shiny and everyone else doing the care that we can't or don't want to do- you are bloody champions.

To the tabloids who only ever mention care home workers in relation to "NURSING HOME ABUSE SCANDAL SHOCKER" and ignore the patient, kind holding of millions of hands, and hoisting and wiping of millions of arses 24/7 all across the land- just fuck off.

If an elderly person ‘refuses to go into a home’ and they have capacity to make that decision, then that is their absolute right and good on them. They might be more prepared to take risks than their own children; that is their right.

Yabu

It's comments like this about how we should look after our parents that destroy me.
My mum became severely disabled when I was 11. I did 24 hr care with my dad for over 20 years.
It's broken me.
She is now in her 50s in a nursing home. Not happy, but I don't know what else to do. I visit 6-7 days a week on my way home from work.
The people who have never had to do the care I don't think understand how bad it is.
My health is ruined and I'm only in my 30s. I have no family of my own.
And yet people that have never been in this position feel they can judge me