...to think that children should look after elderly parents?

[wheresmymojo]

It's not a TAAT but inspired by another thread.

It seems to be a general trend that people feel like they shouldn't have any duty/obligation to care for their elderly parents anymore.

Partly I recognise that this is because societal trends make it harder to do elder care than it used to be - it's quite common to have two full time workers, be living quite far from your parents, still have DC to care for at the same time due to later births, etc.

I find it odd though that anyone wouldn't want to care for their elderly parents and find a way to make it happen.

So for example, we have just moved to live near to DH's parents who are in their 70s as while they don't need any help now, we know they will at some point in the next 10yrs.

My DM is very young (56!) so definitely doesn't need any help. I live 200 miles away but have already had the discussion that when she is elderly I'd like her to come and live with us.

I feel like I'm in the minority though these days?

I realise there are of course exceptions - any parental abuse and there will always be people who have very complex situations that mean it isn't possible (e.g. can't afford to move, already have children of their own with special needs, etc).

But I think it's sad that the average person either (a) thinks of it as an obligation/burden that they don't want to do or (b) thinks they don't have any obligation at all.

I'm astonished (well actually I'm not as the clueless-ness of the OP goes from strength to strength) that the OP can blithely state:
but most people would have teenagers so no need to help with homework or do a bedtime routine.

Teenagers still need their parents of an evening and weekend, if only to ferry them to various activities and make them some food while they plough through hours of homework. And maybe they might actually like to see their parents after school to talk to!

Instead of which, in the OP's scenario, the parents will be spending most evenings looking after ailing parents after work and coming home at heaven only knows what time while teenagers have been left to fend for themselves.

OP until you have experienced it fir a few years I dont think you have any idea about what is involved.
Sometime people in their 50's are looking after elderly parents, when they are missing out of their own DC and DGC.
You should not have DC with the expectation they'll look after you, they'll resent you eventually.
I adore my DM but it is hard work not getting to enjoy my own life.

I think we should be obligated to take responsibility for them but that doesn't mean hands on caring necessarily. If you live a distance it could be managing their affairs, helping find more suitable housing, dealing with carers and visiting as often as you can. There's always exceptions I grant you but where I work lots of older people come and most are ignored, abandoned you could say by their next of kin but come the will those same people are like vultures, contesting the £500 or whatever they left to us who have provided all the support their family failed to deal with - still remember the lady who was found by police because we noticed she hadn't been for a week, family didn't bother attending the funeral but the nephew tried to get the will overturned leaving her very modest estate to us, I had been driving her to appointments for 5 years with no a penny for petrol. Bitter, yes I am, people are horrible to their own relatives

I suspect one day all this is going to bite you on the arse hard.

And even if people are “selfish” so fucking what? Why are people expected to put themselves and their wellbeing at the bottom of the pile all the time?

• Oh and of course teenagers often need support with homework? And generally need to actually see their parents in the evening.

You seem to be assuming people should neglect their own children to provide cooking/cleaning help that can easily be outsourced.*

I'm probably a bit biased because I never had help with homework as a teenager and in the absence of any special needs would have the expectation that a teenager gets on with it themselves, otherwise they aren't really demonstrating what their level of capability is without being spoon fed. IMO this sets them up better by being independent.

Of course, if people can afford to you can outsource the cooking and cleaning. As with all things, money makes everything easier and elder care is no different. Clearly someone who has enough money to pay for a cleaner, gardener and meals on wheels would have an easier time while they are still mobile enough to live alone than someone who doesn't have the money to do that.

If someone has the money to pay a cleaner and gardener I'm not suggesting they should still do it themselves while whipping themselves with a cat-o-nine tails.

...and that's your choice, but I'm afraid you can't stop people from thinking you're selfish for making those choices.

Obviously you won't know because it's the kind of thing people would post on a forum but might not say to you out loud.

Funnily enough, I'm probably older than you, as are my friends, and our parents are also older than yours. Some have already died and some have needed care. Some are in care right now.
We talk about our experiences, complain and support each other. I've never heard anyone say about anyone else that they were selfish for making any particular choices. Most people do their best according to their resources and availability.

There are some exceptions, of course. But I do think they are rare.

As I pointed out earlier, if you hear the stories from the point of view of the "abandoned" parent, they tend to be worse than the reality.

Haven't RTFT, but my honest opinion is that, if you treat your kids like family for life, you'll get the whole family for life. If you treat them as a task and turf them out/insist on charging for everything/look for things you can get away NOT having to do for them, like childcare the moment they turn 18, well, can you blame if you end up in a care home with a visit twice annually at most?

Family is a complex and enduring structure that demands investment and compromises throughout the life. Yes, it's absolutely bloody difficult and at times impossible. But cut ties at any point and we end up with threads like these.

Disclaimer, I don't maintain my natal family relationships for a reason. I am definitely part of the problem and far be it from me to take the moral high ground. This is my observation/musing only.

OP. Bookmark this thread.

You've referred to plans for your OP to be a SAHD so assume you envisage kids in future.

Come back in a few years & reread this with a bit of perspective. You clearly think most people are just a bit selfish and prioritise anything but their elderly relatives. Try and stand in other people's shoes, or if you can't, then maybe just stop worrying about how or why other families manage things differently to yours & burn your judgy pants.

that's your choice, but I'm afraid you can't stop people from thinking you're selfish for making those choices.

And I'm afraid you can't stop people from thinking you're ignorant and sanctimonious for casting judgement on others choice not to provide care for elderly relatives when you have absolutely no experience of doing so yourself.

I don't have children

but even I'm aware of the term "sandwich generation". I wonder where the OP thinks that came from!!

if OP has kids, they will need to emigrate ASAP with all these FAMBLEE expectations loaded on to them.

Caring for a teenager is much more than helping with homework. It's a difficult time for most and they do need their parents around, if not so much for practical help.

Oh and now we’re getting advice on parenting our own children!

OP why can’t you back down and accept you’re wrong?

And even if people are “selfish” so fucking what? Why are people expected to put themselves and their wellbeing at the bottom of the pile all the time?

This is the opposite to what I see - which is basically that people's own well-being is so much the top priority now that the idea of any kind of family duty is abhorrent to some people.

That having down time is more important than taking care of people you love. I think society has swung too far in the 'I only need to care about myself and my nuclear family' and do the bare minimum elsewhere.

OP - surely after all the posts on here you have to acknowledge that the ‘day to day’ care you envisage is just not feasible or practical for the majority who both work full time, have their own family’s and marriages to nurture and live anything other than locally to their elderly relatives?

I may have missed this somewhere up thread. You mentioned that your DH is a personal trainer. What do you do?

LOL, so you have no experience of caring for elderly parents, no experience of caring for teenagers, let alone the two combined but you really do think you have all the answers don't you?

You're the kind of person I really enjoy watching experience the situations they've been theorising all the answers to, lecturing and judging those poor devils actually trying to deal with the real situation.

Oh and now we’re getting advice on parenting our own children!

I'm entitled to have an opinion about raising my own children and to express that opinion.

I wasn't giving anyone advice.

Bollocks.

I’ve ended up mentally ill due to the stresses with putting everything and everyone first all the time. Maybe if your own life is very easy and stress free you don’t get it. But life changes and I’m sure one day you will.

I may have missed this somewhere up thread. You mentioned that your DH is a personal trainer. What do you do?

I'm a management consultant but not sure why that would be relevant (hence why I haven't mentioned).

Maybe if your own life is very easy and stress free you don’t get it

Actually I have bipolar disorder and have been in a psychiatric hospital twice so that's a bit of an unfounded assumption .

OP you are just being goady arent you?

You have never had kids, nor cared for a parent.

But seem to have so much knowledge of how it will be. And how much help and support teenagers needs.

If you arent being goady you are being ridiculous. One day you will remember this thread and be embarrassed.

Oh and one of my best friends is a personal trainer. Doing those hours, he should be earning well.

I'm entitled to have an opinion about raising my own children and to express that opinion.

Hahahahahaha

You don’t have a clue. I think you must seriously be at the wind up.

@wheresmymojo you havent stated why you think your version of care is better, as I asked you before (fair enough, theres no obligation and that...)

But tell me this. When you are running around, fetching shopping, gardening and all that jazz, who is going to be spending quality memorable time with your parent?

Actually I have bipolar disorder and have been in a psychiatric hospital twice so that's a bit of an unfounded assumption

In which case trying to juggle work, life, kids and sick parents could be detrimental to your own well being. Very high risk.

If you moved in with his parents and they have to sell their house for care? Where will you live?