...to think that children should look after elderly parents?

[wheresmymojo]

It's not a TAAT but inspired by another thread.

It seems to be a general trend that people feel like they shouldn't have any duty/obligation to care for their elderly parents anymore.

Partly I recognise that this is because societal trends make it harder to do elder care than it used to be - it's quite common to have two full time workers, be living quite far from your parents, still have DC to care for at the same time due to later births, etc.

I find it odd though that anyone wouldn't want to care for their elderly parents and find a way to make it happen.

So for example, we have just moved to live near to DH's parents who are in their 70s as while they don't need any help now, we know they will at some point in the next 10yrs.

My DM is very young (56!) so definitely doesn't need any help. I live 200 miles away but have already had the discussion that when she is elderly I'd like her to come and live with us.

I feel like I'm in the minority though these days?

I realise there are of course exceptions - any parental abuse and there will always be people who have very complex situations that mean it isn't possible (e.g. can't afford to move, already have children of their own with special needs, etc).

But I think it's sad that the average person either (a) thinks of it as an obligation/burden that they don't want to do or (b) thinks they don't have any obligation at all.

Why is your regime better than parents being settled in a home?

How DO you manage these daily visits if there is approximately 250 miles between your 2 sets of parents? I'd love to know.

As someone who is an only child, married to another only child with parents at opposite ends of the country to each other, I have no idea how this will work. I also have 2 elderly aunts who have no children. Am I supposed to support 6 people in their mid 70s by myself?

OP I think you should think carefully about the expectation of inheritance. What will happen if your ILs do need residential care? This can cost around £1k a week. If one or both of them need care for a few years then how long would their money last?

I don't have parents to worry about (thankfully dead) but I would not have cared for them anyway.

I'd have treated them how they treated me, like nothing.

I, however, have a degenerative disease but have already told my grown children that they are not to stop their lives to care for me.

I've seen 'care' and 'duty' destroy too many relationships.

They are to sling me in a home or arrange a trip to Switzerland.

And OP trying out all that with multiple calls at work, or when you finally get home
Then keep having to go back becaus something has happened or they think something is happening. Or must absolutely set up their speed dial.

I remember a woman in tears at work. Her father lived with them. Lovely dad. She adored him. He lived there 10 years and age and illness changed him to the point he was a different person. Her kids loved out as soon as they hit 18, hated living with him. He tried to split her marriage up, all sorts. They moved him to sheltered accommodation.

He called her as the post office wasnt open. It wasnt open because he had gone at 7am, not 8am. She cried because she knew when it opened, he would scream and shout at the staff and be banned again. Leaving her another job to sort for him.

So she had to leave work (4th time in 2 weeks) to go try and convince him he was there too early and get him to go home. That was her life everyday and she did do all the things you think people should.

Imagine that, constantly for 15 years

I think its pretty abhorrent to hang around your parents waiting for them to sell their house to make up your DH's failure to work very hard in life!

This is a bit of a (nasty) leap!

We hope we will inherit their house as they have spoken to us about us moving in to care for them (they brought up the conversation, not us). They have lived in the same house since DH was born and I know that, ideally, he would like to keep it in the family to bring our own DC up their. We are well aware that for any number of reasons this might not work out - PILs could change their mind and downsize, they may need specialist care for longer than we can afford to fund without it being sold. We are not 'hanging around' to inherit the house. We are 'hanging around' because we love them.

DH has worked bloody hard but hasn't had financial success. He was in education until 25 or so.

He lived and worked abroad for a number of years so didn't pay NI contributions in the UK.

He then came back and set up and ran his own business working very long hours but unfortunately it didn't make enough money for him to pay himself a salary of more than the amount required for tax so I suspect his NI contributions would have been minimal. This was before we got together so he didn't have any responsibilities at the time and hoped it would work out.

He now works long hours - leaving the house at 5.20am and gets back at 8pm as a personal trainer in his passion but it doesn't pay very well.

He will be a SAHD because I'm the breadwinner and his salary doesn't cover childcare costs in the South East. I personally don't think being a SAHP is anything to sneer at.

So all in all he wont have made much NI contributions but not because he hasn't worked hard and has hung around for an inheritance

*there not their(!)

Why is your regime better than parents being settled in a home

And why is your regime better than paying for a cleaner and gardener?

I also have 2 elderly aunts who have no children. Am I supposed to support 6 people in their mid 70s by myself

Of course! Good luck splitting yourself into 6!

It's not very common to have school age children at the same time as needing to do elder care. Of course there will be exceptions (like us where children have come late) but most people would have teenagers so no need to help with homework or do a bedtime routine.

I was expecting my DD when my Mil developed leukaemia. My DD was 7 when my FiL was put on life support. My DD is now 17 and my ILs are only 71 and 72. My DD is currently applying for university, has a part-time job and we still like to eat together, give her lifts etc. You are utterly clueless.

But I can't afford to give up work or move house 400 miles thus disrupting my husband and daughter's lives in the process. I've no idea how people manage it. I'm self-employed. If I don't work I don't get paid. And surely there aren't many employers who would put up with people taking loads of time off indefinitely?!
Genuine question, how are people able to afford to do this? Do their elderly parents cover their costs of re-locating, losing their jobs etc etc so they're not out of pocket?

I will look after my parents but I will resent it. My siblings and I were charged board from 12 and kicked out at 16, told in no uncertain terms that they’d raised us and wouldn’t be having anything to do with raising our kids. Which meant no babysitting, ever.
I think every family has its own complications so you can’t really judge those who won’t care for their parents in old age.

High five to all the posters who have had experience of caring and are trying to point out that what may begin as a benevolent and loving set of circumstances can become fraught, financially draining, and detrimental to the well-being of all involved, including the person being cared for.

OP you say both you and your DP are only children - how many parents do you have between you? My DP and I have 6 and are only children. No siblings to pick up the slack.

I do not want to care for any of the other 5 remaining independent at present beyond the sort of basic tasks a loving family does for its members routinely, not because I don't want to, but because I now know I can't, no matter how much hard work or planning or love I infuse into the situation. I will sit by death beds, and go to appointments if asked, I will shop and do household chores, but the rest is above my expertise and paygrade, and would probably be detrimental to their well-being, as well as my own.

Selfish or survival instinct?

I wont be looking after my parents, one is already in a care home (progressive MS) has been there for a while and was only 60 when she went in.
My father is in sheltered housing mostly Ill due to alcoholism, both are and were abusive and I was in care since I was 11.
But even if they were the best parents in the world I still wouldnt be able to look after both of them full time when I have two disabled children already to look after.

Again OP- got kids?

I'm pretty sure by now that you don't.

Many of us can't go straight after work because we have to take the kids to football/give them dinner/help with their homework.

Our weekends are full of responsibilities. Swimming lessons, fitting in shopping/errands/house repairs we don't do because we are at work all week.

Now OP is getting upset because posters are judging her/her DH without knowing all the ins and outs of their particular circumstances...oh the irony

Yes, it will be hard work

Nah. When my mum needs help I will happily pay for a cleaner, gardener and help her do her shopping online when she can't drive anymore. I am sure she'd prefer to go out for a coffee or dinner with me than waste my time on a job that could easily be paid for (anyway, I don't garden, DH does that).

They have lived in the same house since DH was born and I know that, ideally, he would like to keep it in the family to bring our own DC up their. We are well aware that for any number of reasons this might not work out - PILs could change their mind and downsize, they may need specialist care for longer than we can afford to fund without it being sold. We are not 'hanging around' to inherit the house. We are 'hanging around' because we love them.

Very good OP. But you must be aware that your DH's bad luck in employment and lack of pension provision is fairly unusual. Not everyone will be in that position and their jobs may be more important to them than your DH's job is to him.

And would you still have made that move to be close to your parents while they are still in good health if they lived in a rented house?

Didn’t care for either of my parents. Don’t feel guilty. I worked full Tim had a 6 years while my mum was terminally ill (my dad passed 2 years before my mum very quickly). My mum needed hoisting and very personal care carrying out. She didn’t want me to do that, and I am not qualified to do it. She was better with professionals doing that type of thing.

I did visit nearly every day but am fortunate that we lived fairly close. I helped with shopping but she more often than not ordered food herself to be delivered.

My mum was a primary carer for her own mum for a decade while she deteriorated with dementia and my mum categorically didn’t want me to have to do that for her.
Stop criticising others decisions.

• I'm an only child - it is not my job to care for my parents in their dotage. Of course I'll visit, help with the food shop, take them to appointments but only if I am free to do so. I'm not prepared to sacrifice my job, my marriage or my time with my children. I need downtime and free time for my own mental health. I don't care if you think that makes me selfish.

But, if you are happy to do those things, you go right on ahead. Nobody is stopping you. But I think it's fucking rude to come on here and tell people they're shitty and selfish for not doing the same.*

...and that's your choice, but I'm afraid you can't stop people from thinking you're selfish for making those choices.

Obviously you won't know because it's the kind of thing people would post on a forum but might not say to you out loud.

And this is AIBU....it would be a pretty boring forum if people came on and didn't express an opinion that some people might not like.

Oh and of course teenagers often need support with homework? And generally need to actually see their parents in the evening.

You seem to be assuming people should neglect their own children to provide cooking/cleaning help that can easily be outsourced.

It's not very common to have school age children at the same time as needing to do elder care

Bullshit. My youngest will still be in school when my parents are 80.

• Very good OP. But you must be aware that your DH's bad luck in employment and lack of pension provision is fairly unusual. Not everyone will be in that position and their jobs may be more important to them than your DH's job is to him.

And would you still have made that move to be close to your parents while they are still in good health if they lived in a rented house?*

Yes. I think it's a bit weird that you think someone would only want to look after their own parents to inherit money.

If that's what society has come to then it's even worse than I thought...

I did the caring in my family. I am glad I did. I would have felt I had not done enough if I had ignored people the way other family members did.

It eventually came to the day when I stopped being a carer and started as executor. I was going through all the papers and I could not believe how many people had been trying to take financial advantage!

I would not like to have any of those caring for me in my old age. I am not so very old yet but attempts at taking advantage have been going a fair while already.

Once incontinent we would use the money from the spare house being sold to have carers in X times per day for the personal care element.

2 carers for personal care 3 times per day costs £2,200 per month. Add on the gardener, the housekeeper, the cleaner and the lady who does the ironing so that my ILs can continue to live at home. Wasn't your nan lucky to have a spare house which she could sell!