...to think that children should look after elderly parents?

[wheresmymojo]

It's not a TAAT but inspired by another thread.

It seems to be a general trend that people feel like they shouldn't have any duty/obligation to care for their elderly parents anymore.

Partly I recognise that this is because societal trends make it harder to do elder care than it used to be - it's quite common to have two full time workers, be living quite far from your parents, still have DC to care for at the same time due to later births, etc.

I find it odd though that anyone wouldn't want to care for their elderly parents and find a way to make it happen.

So for example, we have just moved to live near to DH's parents who are in their 70s as while they don't need any help now, we know they will at some point in the next 10yrs.

My DM is very young (56!) so definitely doesn't need any help. I live 200 miles away but have already had the discussion that when she is elderly I'd like her to come and live with us.

I feel like I'm in the minority though these days?

I realise there are of course exceptions - any parental abuse and there will always be people who have very complex situations that mean it isn't possible (e.g. can't afford to move, already have children of their own with special needs, etc).

But I think it's sad that the average person either (a) thinks of it as an obligation/burden that they don't want to do or (b) thinks they don't have any obligation at all.

Because life's fucking hard sometimes op and until you've walked in their shoes you won't know or understand.

My mother told me if she needed looking after when she got old then to put her in a nursing home. She said she saw how difficult it had been for her mother to care for her own and her mother in law. Her mum struggled a lot. My mother died well before this may have been needed. My mil is still alive and 75. She is fit and she does everything, she even gets up on the bannister to pull the lift ladder down! I would help care for her to an extent but if she became too difficult to look after them her children would have to decide what next but I'm hoping she stays as she is.

OP, do you have kids? Right now you might have time to care around a full time job but try doing it with children who you need to prioritise.

I don't think anyone with loving relationships with parents really sits there thinking "I could reasonably provide all their care but I don't want to". For almost everyone its just not practically possible because they have other things in their lives they need to prioritise. Their children, their jobs/financial security.

You have prob not got the whole story where you've come across people who seem not to want to. They are probably the small minority who for whatever reasons have poor relationships with parents who haven't supported them in turn.

But I think it's sad that the average person either (a) thinks of it as an obligation/burden that they don't want to do or (b) thinks they don't have any obligation at all.

On what basis have you formed this impression?

Naive, simplistic op

Come on, you're not 12. There are plenty of people who COULD practically who should have no expectation pushed on them.. abuse, neglect, emotional manipulation, safety concerns for carer and old person.

I think its a cultural issue tbh.

You don't really see elderly asian parents left in old peoples' homes....

Though unfortunately the Home Office will not allow the culture to continue for those Asians who live in the UK but have elderly parents in their home country. The application for the UK elderly dependant visa is unfortunately very difficult with very strict criteria, basically impossible.

Wow. I have a mother with severe vascular dementia. She’s been very ill for 5 years. I also have a 5 year old and an 8 year old, my own business and home etc. I am an only child and my relationship with my mother was strained for many years prior to her first stroke.

I’ve done as much as I can to care for my parents but in my mum’s case we had to recently admit that we couldn’t cope with her at home and she needed specialist dementia care in a home. It was an excruciating decision for my dad and I.

When your parents are young, fit and of sound mind it must be so easy to imagine you’re going to care for them yourself. I just really hope you don’t find yourself in as hellish a situation as we have OP. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Just re-reading posts I think Catquest makes a good point about pensions. DH would be the primary carer and has never paid into a pension as he's usually earned too little and is probably unlikely to do so any time soon as he will be a SAHD.

That is one way in which I am privileged as hopefully the property we inherit will mean it covers the fact that DH has no pension.

That being said, the people I mentioned who don't want to do any elder care don't just mean "I don't want to give up my job to do elder care". I wouldn't judge that at all as we've all got bills to pay. They're talking about not even being willing to call in every day (and they don't have any other complex issues that are stopping them - they just don't want to).

Maybe I just happen to know a few selfish people?

But you always hear of situations where one sibling is running themselves ragged helping our elderly parents and the others (or some of them) just don't do anything.

"There have been many threads recently on pensions - i was reading one last night - and how we all need to be working towards putting more money into our pension pots and not relying on the state pension. Inevitably we need to be working to achieve this and working for longer.

What i struggle to get my head around is if you have a parent who requires significant care (which given my ddads diagnosis 24 hr care is inevitable in his case) how you manage that plus putting enough aside for pensions for my old age etc let alone living expenses for now plus and juggling other family members and children. Something has to give."

How about if one of my reasons for not wanting to is that I think its actually the worst possible option for the elderly person involved? I might be wrong but that is my truly held belief, based on my lengthy experience. Is that ok, OP, or is that selfish?

What about people whose parents are separated OP? I can just imagine the reaction if I had one parent at mine and not the other (obviously impossible to have both due to the relationship between the 2 so fairer to have neither). I've spent my life trying to not upset either side and I'm not willing to get drawn back into all that again. Imagine if both people had separated parents? How do you decide who gets to live with the children? It's really very complicated as I see it.

where one sibling is running themselves ragged helping our elderly parents and the others (or some of them) just don't do anything.

Put another way, someone wants to play the martyr and wont take any other options into account.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

“don't think anyone with loving relationships with parents really sits there thinking "I could reasonably provide all their care but I don't want to"”

Um, I think a lot of us say that. Maybe you think that means I don’t really love them, I don’t know. Or are you having a very strange idea of what “care” means?

DH would be the primary carer and has never paid into a pension as he's usually earned too little and is probably unlikely to do so any time soon as he will be a SAHD.

That is one way in which I am privileged as hopefully the property we inherit will mean it covers the fact that DH has no pension.

Ah yes.

OP “That is one way in which I am privileged as hopefully the property we inherit will mean it covers the fact that DH has no pension”

If the property doesn’t go to the million other care costs it could go on.

You’re not privileged, you’re just ridiculously unrealistic. I’m now wondering if you are very young, I could just about get this from a 20 year old. Just....

IThat is one way in which I am privileged as hopefully the property we inherit will mean it covers the fact that DH has no pension.*

Some people might think that you were only caring for your parents so you don’t need to spend your future inheritance on care rather than out of any sense of love or duty. How Gould you respond to that?

Apologies Rosa

I think I don't mean ALL care. I mean the sort of care OP is clearly describing. I would hope few people with an elderly parent they get on well with, living very close by (and no other demands on their time) would not want to visit regularly, pop in for a cup of tea or drop off a bit of shopping occasionally. Unless said elderly relative has very very complex needs or is bloody hard work etc.

The point is we all have so many demands on our time. There are other things we want to do more.

Well I absolutely do not want my adult DC to be running themselves ragged looking after me if I need care, even if it is just them having to check in on me every day. It would be very limiting for them to have to live close enough to have to do this and be emotionally and physically draining.

I would rather slip off into the final sleep.

YABVU. You seem unable or unwilling to understand the complexity that most posters have tried to tell you about; you seem to think that there are simple stages in care that happen on a nice gradient and care (by either family or professionals) can be personalised immediately at the point of need. You are wrong: well done for trying to plan but honestly, you can plan all you like (that is my primary way of dealing with things) but elderly care is an art not a science. You are seeing it as a black or white issue when it is anything but, and making the error of infantilising old people: you may love the idea of being so caring (though I agree with others that you are totally unrealistic) but it can be very hard to provide the level of care that a person actually wants rather than what you want to provide. Many old people don't want any care and certainly not from their children. It is a matter of pride and the fact that many old people have a real issue with medical care and doctors. Sometimes you not only have to provide some care but you have to do it through an exhausting tissue of lies - organising the new "cleaner" who is actually a carer; the new "neighbours" who are actually Age Concern volunteers; the "I got all confused and made far too much food; please help me eat it" lie; or "I'm doing a part-time gardening course so can I come and work on your garden" etc etc.) Here a few other thoughts: 1.people live longer with far poorer health; 2.parents are older on average when they have children, so many of us have children and an elderly parent at the same time. Where a choice has to be made, a parent's primary duty should be to their child not their parent. 3. Many old people don't want to move out of their home; do not want their adult children and GC coming to live with them (I wouldn't want anyone other than DC and DH to live in our house so why would mum be any different?!); have (far far more than the number with a dementia diagnosis) cognitive impairments which makes caring a very skilled job - just as i wouldn't presume to treat a heart condition, I wouldn't presume that I know the best ways of dealing with cognitive impairment. It is very clear that you have seen some elderly care second hand but have absolutely no idea what it's like being the one who's responsible for it. I personally am not as angry as some people on the thread but I really feel their pain - your posts are quite thoughtless and ignorant.

So do you work OP? Are you willing to give up your career to care for your elderly relatives? Can you afford to do this? Would the burden of care for your ILs fall to you or your DH? How would you feel about helping your MIL or FIL to dress and get to the toilet? How would this impact your family life and relationship?

With elderly people things can deteriorate rapidly following a fall or sudden illness and they go from just needing a bit of shopping to being totally dependent on you 24/7. I think you have taken rather a simplistic view things OP and really should not judge others until you have walked in their shoes.

I'm not looking after mine. I was badly abused and neglected for the majority of my childhood. Card works two ways.

*care

Oh yes the inheritance.

I don't think that children have a duty to look after their parents in old age although many people choose to do so. Many people may argue that the parents looked after the child when it was younger and now its only fair for the child to do the same for the parents but when deciding to have a child the parents are very much aware of their obligations towards the child and know that they will need to look after it and it is a conscious decision they make but no child comes in to this 2world knowing that they will be expected to look after their parents and they aren't able to decide whether or not that they are willing to care for elderly parents. I don't think that children should have a duty to look after their parents simply because tgey are the ones that brought the child in to this world and looked after it when it was young.

I think you underestimate the sheer frequency of shit parenting and extenuating circumstances.

In our family the only parent who wasn’t horrible was my father. MIL and FIL have become even less tolerable with old age. My mother is dead. But we can’t move to he near my father and he can’t move to be near us.

From what I have seen of other people these kinds of situations are more common than children with good parents who are easily able to care for them.