...to think that children should look after elderly parents?

[wheresmymojo]

It's not a TAAT but inspired by another thread.

It seems to be a general trend that people feel like they shouldn't have any duty/obligation to care for their elderly parents anymore.

Partly I recognise that this is because societal trends make it harder to do elder care than it used to be - it's quite common to have two full time workers, be living quite far from your parents, still have DC to care for at the same time due to later births, etc.

I find it odd though that anyone wouldn't want to care for their elderly parents and find a way to make it happen.

So for example, we have just moved to live near to DH's parents who are in their 70s as while they don't need any help now, we know they will at some point in the next 10yrs.

My DM is very young (56!) so definitely doesn't need any help. I live 200 miles away but have already had the discussion that when she is elderly I'd like her to come and live with us.

I feel like I'm in the minority though these days?

I realise there are of course exceptions - any parental abuse and there will always be people who have very complex situations that mean it isn't possible (e.g. can't afford to move, already have children of their own with special needs, etc).

But I think it's sad that the average person either (a) thinks of it as an obligation/burden that they don't want to do or (b) thinks they don't have any obligation at all.

I've already said approximately one million times including in my OP that I'm talking about people who don't want to not about people whose circumstances mean they can't

OP you still haven't addressed what you are going to do if one of your ILs has an accident and wets / soils themselves and no carer is due for some time? Are you just going to leave them?

But what about your siblings-would they move?

Well we are all adults with our own families and no one has yet. My younger sister lived abroad for a bit while studying and in her first year of work but then she came back.

All of us chip in. Yes, including my brother!

This is far to complex an issue to wonder why everyone doesn't have the same attitude towards their elderly parent as you do OP, especially as your DM and ILs are still in full health.

I don't want to live with any of my DCs when I'm no longer able to look after myself.

Under no circumstances would I want to put that burden on them and tbh one of them I couldn't live with because she'd drive me mad.

At the moment I've a very healthy 70 year old and live on my own, but if anything went seriously wrong with my health I could live for another 20 plus years as an invalid. Why should my children have to look after me and all my invalid's needs for 20 odd years?

Part of the problem nowadays is that old people live far longer than they used to, and I suspect there are far more very elderly people with far more complex needs than has been the case with previous generations.

At the moment your DM and your ILs may seems people you would be happy to have live with you. In 20/30/40 years you might feel differently.

Don't judge people for not rushing to deal with things like changing their doubly incontinent parents' adult nappies or the violence that can come with dementia.

You have no idea what lies ahead of you.

I'm talking about people who don't want to not about people whose circumstances mean they can't

There is a very blurry line between 'can't' and 'don't want to' though isn't there... one person's can't is another persons d'don't want to'

@Flerkin

Have you RTFT before your response?

I've already posted about my own parents experience of providing 10 years of care until this year so I have as much experience of it as you do.

That is to say, none, but as much knowledge second hand as you do.

Your post has truly pissed me off, OP.

You are naive and unrealistic, and pretty judgemental, too.

Wanting to look after your parents and being able to are different things. Be careful what you promise. Wait until you have used all your annual leave on hospital appointments for them, on taking one to visit the other in hospital, and see what happens when you need enablement or continuous care...but lo and behold the state decides you are there so they won't fund you.

Dementia creeps up slowly: there are years before they need additional care when they are nevertheless exhausting to care for.

I have nearly lost my job due to trying to care for my elderly parents, neglected my teens during exam period and am run ragged. And they don't live with me, and we do have visiting carers.

Come back and post your update in 20 or 25 years time.

People DO want to - but it is often an impossible task. Or they want to or have to and find it is very very testing.

And if you want to but can't, what the hell use is that? Virtue signal pontificating.

whoever played the culture card - one reason my parents moved to the UK was to get away from an appalling culture and to ensure their children never had to grow up in it - particularly awful for women.

I assume that was addressed to me. You really have no idea of what culture I'm referring to but I assume you think it's one where women do all the caregiving and don't go out to work.

It isn't at all. My father cared for his elderly mother, himself, until the day she died. My mother has worked her whole life.

OP "I've already said approximately one million times including in my OP that I'm talking about people who don't want to"

And many of us have said, approximately one million times, that there are many reasons why people don't want to, even if they technically can, and many parents who wouldn't want their DC to give up anything, even a nice cup of tea by the window to do it.

another burden for my poor late father was the amount of time I spent in hospital. He loved us so he couldn't bear to see us going through all that strain. How's that for a blanket statement? He'd say himself, a parent who loves their child will encourage them NOT to do too much.

One of my siblings lived abroad at the time @wheresmymojo. She moved back about a year before mum went into care. Her DH and kids moved back with her. The youngest had a very hard time settling at school. Her eldest was in the middle of his exam year - you can imagine his grades having moved to a different school system. Her DH understood her need to move but didn't want to really and has never settled. They divorced last year. I think the move was the final straw but who knows if they'd have made if but for the move back. I certainly know her DC would have been happier abroad. But that's life.

My other sister worked full time. What was I (a stay at home mum at the time) supposed to say? Give up your job so I can continue being a stay at home mum? Of course not! She would do weekly shops, cover some appointments if she could get time off (which she never argued about) and would take over from me at A&E so I could sleep.

Oh and the bit about personal care. Mum has to be changed in her care home as soon as she's had an accident. Sore skin and poo is awful. If carers aren't due in you will have to get used to doing it.

Or you could be like me and my sisters. Both my sisters have, separately, taken mum out for the day when mum was in the first throes of incontinence. Once she wet herself and the other time she poo'd herself...in a cafe...no incontinence pants on as she was incontinent, she just had an accident. Incontinence began properly about a year later when she poo'd herself in her chair at home because she didn't realise it was coming. I've had to clean her up in hospital as I took her to the loo but she poo'd before she got onto it. Of course I pressed the buzzer but I had to help her - you can't leave your mother sitting in sh!t. So you may not WANT to do personal care (I don't know one person who WANTS to do it) but you may well have to - like it or not. Incontinence sneaks up - it doesn't announce it's arrival!

I would and I agree with you.

However, my folks live 200 miles away and won't move. I'm not sure what we will do in another 10 years or so when they're in their 80's as I wouldn't want to move my kids away from their friends/hobbies etc.

So what's the answer? I actually think they SHOULD move. But they won't.

Me: I'm not talking about complex needs that need 24/7 care like later stages of dementia

Next poster: You are stupid - you have no idea how bad dementia can be in the later stages.

Me: I'm not talking about people who can't do it because they can't move house to be nearby or don't have a spare room

Next poster: You are vile - how can you assume that everyone can afford to move house and have a spare room

Me: I'm talking about people who say they don't want to do elder care, not people who can't

Next poster: You are horrible - I would love care for my parents but work 6 days a week and live in Australia

"WhatNoNotYouAgain "

didn't see who it was. Yes, absolutely aware that men do caregiving, I daresay my father would have done if he hadn't moved here. but he and mum were keen to get away from that kind of "family obligation" though I myself don't think of it as culture specific. I tend to hear Peggy Mitchell screaming "FAMBLEE" when I think about it tbh.

We have that problem too coastal - one set of parents is 250 miles away, the other 300 miles away in the opposite direction. Both refuse to move, and both live in places where there are no universities - so DH and I could not move jobs to be near them locally.

I honestly do not know what we are going to do as they age.

OP you still haven't addressed what you are going to do if one of your ILs has an accident and wets / soils themselves and no carer is due for some time? Are you just going to leave them?

She'd probably attempt to do it herself in spite of no training. You'd be amazed at the risks some people take with their own safety and their relative's safety in a bid to be seen as caring and loving relatives who take a hands on approach in the care of their family member. More often than not they get caught out when they end up injuring themselves or their relative and moving equipment ends up being locked away and social services become involved.

oh okay OP have it your way.

I am technically capable of doing 24 hour care for my mother and don't want to.

if you think I'm selfish, it doesn't matter really. I won't wish you have your eyes opened because that would involve some poor soul suffering, but I hope you learn to be more understanding in time.

I've already said approximately one million times including in my OP that I'm talking about people who don't want to not about people whose circumstances mean they can't

And as other people have said, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH NOT WANTING TO HELP.

However, my folks live 200 miles away and won't move. I'm not sure what we will do in another 10 years

I agree that this is a big issue. I have friends where the DH's parents chose to move to Norfolk when they retired (they are in Hampshire).

This was despite not knowing anyone in Norfolk because they liked it there - absolutely fine!

But now they don't want to move, are in their early 80s, live fairly rurally, don't like to drive long distances and refuse to enter in to any discussions about moving back to Hampshire.

He can't move to Norfolk because of work (and in this situation I'd expect if the person that needs help to move not the other way around).

Have no idea what they're going to do once they start to struggle to be independent and neither do they.

I'm sorry op, but you just sound so naive.

You haven't mentioned dc so I'm assuming you haven't been through gruelling sleepless nights or the stresses of raising children whilst juggling work, after school activities, parties, teen doing exams. I truly didn't realise how hard that is in itself, let alone the thought of caring for elderly relatives.

You are being incredibly unfair to judge people that don't want to.

My DM cares for my DGM (her mil), she has said when the time comes she doesn't want us DC to care for her like she has had to for my DGM. It's unlikely I'd be in the position to anyway as I have a disabled child amongst other reasons, but I feel less guilty knowing that DM is not expecting or wanting to live with us.

And as other people have said, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH NOT WANTING TO HELP.

I will re-read again because I don't think I've seen any posts that have said this...as I'd be interested to know why they think it isn't wrong.

I might have missed them while replying to other comments.

I don't want to. Plain and simple. My parents are lovely and I love them both. But I hated life at home and found it very controlling, after I moved out I vowed I would never live with them again. If I didn't work then I would maybe consider it more. I could do it, I'd be run ragged and stressed to hell and tbh I just don't want to put myself through that. My house is three bed and I'd hate to force my daughter's to share a tiny room. I'd never abandon my parents but they know that if it came to it they'd end up in a home and of course i would visit a couple of times a week and call.

I'm talking about people who say they don't want to do elder care, not people who can't

How can you judge people for not wanting to do something you have no experience of doing yourself?

I've already said approximately one million times including in my OP that I'm talking about people whodon't want tonot about people whose circumstances mean theycan't

Totally missing the point. For you it may appear the can. Doesn't make it true.

I've already posted about my own parents experience of providing 10 years of care until this year so I have as much experience of it as you do.

That is to say, none, but as much knowledge second hand as you do.

You didnt read my post. Because I was providing care.

Knowing someone who has done care is nothing like actually doing it.

You dont know the basics of self funded care. Such as, you cant just sell up, put your money in your kids house and live with them for a bit and still get free care.

The fact that you ont even know that, means you know nothing about it. Because on top of actually caring, theres all the legal side, having to speak to 10 different people to find out 1 piece of information. Co ordination trying to get someone to just help.

And looking at all the laws and regulation so you can see what options you can use and what you can not do.