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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

OP posts:
walkintheparc · 19/08/2019 14:36

Everyone is suggesting that I leave but for me that's just not an option. I want him to just STOP seeing her and to love me the way he used to. We've built so much together. We have so much together. Too much to throw away over whatever the fuck this is

I totally understand why you feel like this.

The harsh truth is that it will never be like that again. You can't force people to change. He would have stopped seeing her by now if he really wanted to after your last chat.
You know you have to leave, of course it's an option. Why would you want to stay with someone who has so little respect and kindness towards you?

Lennon80 · 19/08/2019 14:37

My heart aches for you - don’t let him fob you off - he is cheating with this woman and you nearly caught him in the act. Such a shame you didn’t hide and see if he brought her upstairs. I know you want to believe him and for this not to be happening - i would feel the same. He’s one cheeky fuck though bringing her to your home, so disrespectful.

Mary1935 · 19/08/2019 14:39

Hi OP - why did he not ask her to come over on her way to work to go through the documents. I can understand perfectly why you feel the way you do.
I really would ask the neighbours or get a secret camera in the bedroom. Others may not agree but it will give you peace of mind.

LollyBmummy3 · 19/08/2019 14:39

You don’t need to apologise for not getting back to this thread, you’ve had a pretty stressful morning/week. I don’t want to add to your misery but it does seem to me like there is something going on. I think you should try and relax a little this afternoon and wait until he gets home. Don’t contact him between now and then, to give you both time to cool down. When he gets back tell him again calmly that you think there is something going on and you want the truth. I feel he may know he’s been caught and that squirming out of it this time is not an option. Then you need to talk about it what happens next. Good luck🍀

Heronwatcher · 19/08/2019 14:39

Hi there, firstly sorry to hear this. Don’t feel bad about not updating, it’s up to you when you want to.

Also I am sorry if this is difficult to hear but he is very very obviously having an affair. There are a million holes in his story and this is not normal behaviour. If you take anything from this thread please believe that there is nothing wrong with your instincts. He is a lying cheat who has probably got quite good at both.

You also say you want him to stop seeing her and love you like he used to. To be brutally honest it sounds like that is not likely to happen. I think that you need to start planning a different future for you and the kids, for their sake. Even if it’s not by your hand this situation is going to come to a head, so you need some money behind you and a plan. At the very least in the short term I would consider what him continuing to work with this woman is going to do to your mental heath- if he has any respect at all for you he will end the “friendship” totally for the time being.

Quartz2208 · 19/08/2019 14:39

Because he wants a wife and mistress

Mia184 · 19/08/2019 14:43

The OW knows where you keep the cups in the kitchen? Is it possible that she has been in your house before?

user1471590586 · 19/08/2019 14:43

He is being so disrespectful to you. Even if he isn't having an affair, bringing her into your house is wrong. Especially with your previous concerns about them and making jokes at your expense. Also makes me wonder if she has been there before if she knew where to find the cups and felt so comfortable there. The fact he touched her arm makes it appear that he values his friendship (relationship) with her more than his marriage with you.

100timewforgotten · 19/08/2019 14:46

You need to find some self respect OP and realise you deserve better. There clearly is an affair going on and I don't understand why you can't accept that!

Sleepyhead19 · 19/08/2019 14:47

My partner was really sneaky. He would have the other woman pick him up from the corner of our road and park his car around the corner or even at the local supermarket! He would take stuff out with him, pretend he was seeing a friend or off to work, then I’d see it on the passenger seat of the car. He’d tell me he was out with mates then I’d find out through a Facebook post by the friend that they were working away, out with their gf/bf etc. I also got told by a gym friend of mine she saw them at a new local gym together playing squash and he admitted it. He was meant to be swimming that night. We had an emergency at home and it was the night before holiday. I was trying to pack, clean, get the kids all sorted and when it happened and I rang so many times and so did my panicked kids. His phone was off because he was s**gging her. He tried to deny it all but she text after asking if he was ok and it came up on his watch. So, they can be really sneaky. Although you might be admittedly jealous, I believe you have a good reason to be. My partner called me nuts, jealous and everything else, said I was making things up in my head. When I found all the evidence, he couldn’t deny what he’d been up to.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 19/08/2019 14:47

Let's be honest, most woman would not go into another woman's home if she was not there, especially with that woman's husband. Its disrespectful, most of us wouldn't like another woman in our house

What rot. It's his house as well and he's perfectly entitled to invite anyone into that house - male or female.

Popandhop · 19/08/2019 14:48

Op Flowers as you have stated that leaving is not an option for you I will not tell you to leave, but I do have a question for you: why would he stop seeing her and be loving towards you and you only when he knows that he can both and that you will stay?

LagunaBubbles · 19/08/2019 14:49

So sorry OP, he's having an affair very clear to see. Staying with him knowing this will destroy you.

CatonNZ · 19/08/2019 14:53

Hi Girlgonetame,
I am so sorry - you must be devastated. He is cheating and here's why:
1)he stored her name under a male on his phone
2)he came home unexpectedly with her
3)she didn't care to be introduced to you, nor did he offer, she just removed herself from the 'situation'
4) you said 'like she owns the place' it means she was comfortable in your home and has been there before

there have been many comments about you posting and running - I think I might do that too - because when you think your life is falling apart, you feel like a fool, and you are SHIT SCARED, I think most people would have a tendency to RUN - flight or fight syndrome - I know I would - plus the humiliation of being treated so badly.

This seems to be a good place to post about personal issues and most people from what I see are kind and supportive.

Get some help - go to a women's centre - get some one on one counselling - and get a good lawyer.

Sending you love and strength XX

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/08/2019 14:54

OP it's not going to go back to how it was. He may be shagging her. He may just be trying to.

But he knows you have an issue with her. Whether that's in your head or because there is something going on, we dont know.

Even if it's in your head though he is making this worse. He should be either finishing with you if he cant live like that, or supporting you with counselling. Saving women in his phone under fake names is ridiculous. But even if they are just friends, bringing someone into your home who he knows you would never want there, shows a complete lack of respect. He doesnt care. I'm sorry. Once the respect has gone I think its difficult to get it back

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 19/08/2019 14:57

The OW knows where you keep the cups in the kitchen? Is it possible that she has been in your house before?

Or he could have told her? It sounds plausible because it is.

If I was the man however I would definitely be thinking if I wanted this marriage to continue and not because I wanted to shag someone else.

StarlightIntheNight · 19/08/2019 14:58

This reads total affair....

Maybe2020 · 19/08/2019 15:00

Yeah by reading your posts op up until you said the ow excused herself, I actually could justify a few of the other things.
Why would she act so weird if nothing was going on? And she’s odviously been in your house before no one just walks in and grabs a cup in a house they’ve never been in or a colleagues I think that’s a sign she’s comfortable doing that in your home.
That’s weird. If it was innocent and nothing was going on she would of ntroduced herself at least. Unless she’s just rude.
Really sorry your going through this. X

Babooshkar · 19/08/2019 15:01

Even if nothing was going on, why would be bring this women into your home when he knows the extent of drama it would cause if you found out? He’s either incredibly thick, or doesn’t really give a shit about how you feel... I think you already know the answers, you’re just in denial.

Sorry OP, very shit situation, but you don’t have to put up with it, at all. You have choices.

CallMeRachel · 19/08/2019 15:01

Speak to your neighbours and try and find out if them popping back for pre meeting chats is a regular occurrence.

Where do they work? I'm sure bosses wouldn't be happy at the pair of them skiving like this.

I'm sorry, I know it's horrible and impossible to believe he's been lying but it does seem likely he's been cheating.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but you know enough already.

Derbee · 19/08/2019 15:03

My DP has a friendship with a woman that I have never been comfortable with. She’s not an ex, but I think she’s always fancied him. He never stopped her flirting with him, but it used to really piss me off. He met up with her once and didn’t tell me. I was furious, and said that I would not have that. When I sat down and talked to him about it, he came to the realisation that he couldn’t have a friendship with her and a relationship with me. I mattered more, and he cut his friendship with her off.

I don’t agree that your DP should continue a friendship with this woman when you aren’t happy with it. If he won’t choose you, I would get rid of him.

Whilst I don’t think it’s right to dictate who your partner can be friends with, every now and again I believe there are friendships that threaten relationships, and they should be avoided. I would absolutely drop a friendship that upset my DP, without it meaning that they can pick and choose your friends.

Basically, if he won’t cut her out, it’s because she means more to him than you. And in that case, you’re better off out of it

ChrisPrattsFace · 19/08/2019 15:04

Surely she would have made conversation if it was innocent, not awkwardly go wait in the car?
I’ve said it on your other threads too but I just don’t think you two should be together.

walkintheparc · 19/08/2019 15:04

she didn't care to be introduced to you, nor did he offer, she just removed herself from the 'situation'

I think this is the clincher - any normal person would go "oh hii you must be Barbara, I'm Susan from work!" Then the fact he reassured her and touched her arm on her way out.

Patroclus · 19/08/2019 15:06

Even if they havnt rattled yet, whats the point anymore? release yourself. you will have a bit of pain for a bit then be 100% happier, I promise.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 15:09

I don't know why she didn't speak to me but I was clearly very angry and upset. If that was me I would try to reassure the other person. I know he's told her about me, I've read texts where she made a joke about me, asking whether I was going to let DH out to play - because he has obviously told her I am jealous and controlling and now I am a joke to her. Why is she doing this to me?

OP posts: