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Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

OP posts:
Leighhalfpennysthigh · 19/08/2019 15:10

Surely she would have made conversation if it was innocent, not awkwardly go wait in the car?

Not if someone was shouting at me and the person I was innocently having a pre-meet about.

But guess that we can't deviate from the it must be an affair line, eh?

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 19/08/2019 15:10

OP There is a chance it is innocent. Please keep that in mind. I feel so bad for you.

Do they look compatible as far as age, looks?

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 15:10

I wonder what they talked about on the journey back to work

OP posts:
Josephinebettany · 19/08/2019 15:11

Why is leaving him not an option? Of course it is

whattodowith · 19/08/2019 15:12

Of course they are having an affair, they’re not even hiding it.

AmIThough · 19/08/2019 15:13

I feel like if they were innocently going to run through a document he could have explained it straight away in front of her. She wouldn't have left.

If you want this to work OP he has to end this friendship.
He needs to find a new job and never contact her again.

Patroclus · 19/08/2019 15:13

Bet that killed his stiffy off right enough though.

Sundancer77 · 19/08/2019 15:14

I’m sorry, op, this must be all really awful for you 😢
It all does add up to sounding very strange, my only thought would be..if you were having an affair and went back to your own family home to shag, wouldn’t you just get on with it straightaway? Would you sit down, have a leisurely cup of tea, then shag 🤷‍♀️
Also, if you came in shouting (I’d do the same and some!) that may be why she left as it was an awkward situation?
Just those two points, but everything else sounds not great, bottom line, even if she was only a friend, he can see how much this is upsetting you, you’d end the friendship surely if your partner was this upset 😢

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 15:14

@TumblingTumbleWeeds not at all. She is far too good looking for him and in her 20s. He's good looking for his age but older at 51. When I look at her I second guess myself and wonder what she'd see in him

OP posts:
TumblingTumbleWeeds · 19/08/2019 15:14

You've been betrayed just by him confiding in another woman about you and your relationship.

I agree with you, it's too bad you couldn't have listened to their conversation. I totally understand why you didn't. Hang in there. Life will get better.

Yeahnahmum · 19/08/2019 15:15

Op your husband is gone
Physically he is still there
But his mind and heart and private parts, are elsewhere. . .
You've shared a lot. You've built a lot. You've loved a lot . But it is all past tense

Your marriage as you knew it, is over.
Only downhill from here.

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 19/08/2019 15:16

Reading your update I'm now wondering if it is innocent and he's just got a crush on her. Is he wealthy?

InvernessAdventure · 19/08/2019 15:16

Let's be honest, most woman would not go into another woman's home if she was not there, especially with that woman's husband. Its disrespectful, most of us wouldn't like another woman in our house

I have to say, I wouldn't think twice about it myself, except if that woman's husband had already told me they were having problems, when it would then be insensitive to the point of cruelty. The fact that she's making jokes in texts to him about your supposed possessiveness suggests to me that cruelty to and about you is specifically on her agenda.

All in all, I think this sounds pretty obviously like an affair.

I think I would ask him to move out while you have some counselling and try to work out how you feel and what you want. If he wants to spend that time bending over backwards to prove how much he loves you and wants to make his life with you work, that would obviously be entirely welcome.

You can't really get past an affair until he's ready to admit to it, and I can't see him admitting to it for as long as he's not poised to lose anything by carrying on as he is.

Skittlenommer · 19/08/2019 15:17

And I still don't know if it's all just in my head

It’s not! Im sorry OP but it doesn’t sound good! Sad

Sundancer77 · 19/08/2019 15:18

She’s a cf sending him texts saying is he allowed out to play 😡How disrespectful of her.
Does your partner have money, op? Could that be the attraction for her?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/08/2019 15:18

I want him to just STOP seeing her and to love me the way he used to.

I'm so sorry, but you're way beyond that now. I think you need to let the red mist settle, and start planning your life without him in it.

I can't see how you can ever trust him again. He brought the woman he knows you have issues with into your home; when he thought you were out.

I don't see any logical explanation for this other than they were going to have sex.

I'm so sorry.

Why was she getting a cup out if they'd just popped in to pick something up? Why did she even get out of the car? It makes no sense at all.

Sorry OP. Just your judgment and start thinking about packing a bag either for him or for you.

Everyone is suggesting that I leave but for me that's just not an option

It bloody well should be. If you stay, your self esteem will be in tatters and I worry for your mental health.

Pinkmonkeybird · 19/08/2019 15:18

I really feel for you, OP and can understand how you must be feeling. His loyalty is more to her by the looks of it.

The fact she skulked off awkwardly speaks volumes. She knows what she was damn doing, as well as he. The whole scenario about coming home for stuff with her 'conveniently' dropping him off sounds staged. Cup of tea over a meeting, my arse. I know you will be kicking yourself for not waiting to hear more between them..that's because he has made you question yourself through all of this other gas lighting. I've been there and it is debilitating to your mental health.

Please do not allow him to carry on making you feel like this. He's not going to revert back to being the person he was and love you again. I think you need to accept that and start making plans to get him out of your life. He will just carry on being emotionally abusive whilst you start believing you are the crazy one etc. It is a despicable thing to do do and you don't deserve being treated this way.

Lennon80 · 19/08/2019 15:19

Is he her boss?

Jellybeansincognito · 19/08/2019 15:20

His friendship with her is more important to him that his relationship with you.

That says it all. Stop looking for him to love you, it makes you look desperate and a head case.
Pull yourself up op and keep your head held high!

Mmmmdanone · 19/08/2019 15:20

Sorry you are going through this OP. It does all point to an affair, although I'm a bit confused about why she would be looking to make a cup of tea/coffee as soon as she got in the house if it was an affair. To me that points to it being more likely that they were going to discuss work rather than anything else. Still massively disrespectful after your previous discussion with him though

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 15:20

I didn't realise I was supposed to wait and reply straight away

You DON'T have to OP - & apologies.

0pheIiaBaIIs · 19/08/2019 15:20

Why is leaving him not an option? Of course it is

It's not that straightforward for everyone. Financial reasons, no support, nowhere to go - there are lots of reasons why it might be difficult to leave.

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 19/08/2019 15:21

As someone older and wiser (I hope) now I'd ask to meet with both of them for coffee and tell them your concerns. (Easier said than done). If it looks innocent then try to blow it off as you've been very stressed out lately or something.

Don't blow your marriage/family away without getting to the bottom of it.

Lennon80 · 19/08/2019 15:21

The texts about letting him out to play - makes me so angry. No fucking solidarity to another woman. She’s young now - manipulating your sad act husband - I hope one day when she loses her youth and looks she might consider what a bitch she was.

Nothingcomesforfree · 19/08/2019 15:21

Op could you not ask her? Say you want to leave because you know he’s involved with someone else...is it her.
The advantage of putting it like that is that she will be more inclined to concur it was her and not some other woman. than if you directly accuse her and she gets defensive and denies it.