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Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 19/08/2019 13:32

I thought he was at least having an emotional affair on the last thread.

But, yes, they came home for a shag.

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 19/08/2019 13:33

LTB!

picklejimmy · 19/08/2019 13:33

Let's be honest, most woman would not go into another woman's home if she was not there, especially with that woman's husband. Its disrespectful, most of us wouldn't like another woman in our house.

Kind of agree with this to a point. I've been into a male colleagues house before because he gave me a lift as far as his house (I am a ten minute bus journey from his) and I was absolutely desperate for a wee. But I didn't walk around the place, straight to the loo, quick thank you and I was on my way. If she was walking around I'd have thought she'd been there before.

GirlsBlouse17 · 19/08/2019 13:37

Hi OP could you set something up so you tell him you are away for the day and then see if they come to the house that day and then confront them if they do (or not, if you want to decide later what to do). Or you could ask a friend/private detective to follow him

MrsHound · 19/08/2019 13:37

I have only read this thread, so not sure about previous ones but...

OP reads a bit like half a story, maybe as some say, she is packing his things?
May be she just needs constant reassurance so she doesn't have to tackle him?
Or maybe she still wants to believe he is innocent?
A former friend of mine found (her husbands name) loves (his best friends name)in the steam in the bathroom mirror and believed him when he said they had shared a bed whilst my friend was at mine because the sofa was uncomfortable.
Or maybe its all fantasy.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/08/2019 13:45

Let's be honest, most woman would not go into another woman's home if she was not there, especially with that woman's husband. Its disrespectful, most of us wouldn't like another woman in our house
Say what?? Does this work the other way too? Men shouldn't go to another's man's home unless he's there?
Are you so lacking in self control that you can't be alone with a man anywhere there's a shaggable surface without dropping your knickers and dmenading to be taken vigorously??

Calmingvibrations · 19/08/2019 13:47

My work friend drove me home the other day as I’d forgotten something important. Not only did he wait in the car, he left the car running and barely parked. It doesn’t take 2 mins to rush back in and pick something up.

TanMateix · 19/08/2019 13:49

First of all OP, you have no “issues” it must be very difficult for you to convince there’s nothing more of a friendship when this is definitively NOT the case.

It is said that women leave when they are fed up, while men leave when they find someone else. If he is giving you all that bullshit about wanting to be with you and your family is because he won’t turn his back on you until he is totally sure she won’t turn her back on him.

Personally, I think you need to:

1)stop convincing yourself you this affair is the product of your active imagination.

  1. Convince him you are trying to give the marriage a chance

  2. Prepare your exit and everything you need to sort without his knowledge, while he is busy fucking his “friend”. From bank account details, to his NI number, house valuations, and talking to a solicitor to find where you stand how to your children and yourself financially from the split.

  3. once you are ready with all the evidence, kick him out. Honestly, if you don’t, he will.

MrMeSeeks · 19/08/2019 13:50

Let's be honest, most woman would not go into another woman's home if she was not there, especially with that woman's husband. Its disrespectful, most of us wouldn't like another woman in our house

Completely agree with this, however coupled with the rest of it, it doesn't look good.
Sorry op.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 19/08/2019 13:53

Agree with everyone else. If this was an innocent relationship she would have waited in the car. Even if he invited her in to wait whilst he gathered some stuff together she clearly felt so comfortable in his presence that she felt able to have a wander around.

You just don’t do that in a strangers house, whoever you are.

What did he come back for that she needed to come in.

DotForShort · 19/08/2019 13:54

Some on this thread seem to subscribe to the Mike Pence school of ethics. 🙄

SuperSara · 19/08/2019 13:58

@TanMateix

Absolutely agree OP needs to get everything in place for her own security.

But 'kick him out'?

How exactly? Presumably he has the same rights to the house as OP does so that's not OP's choice.

colourlessgreenidea · 19/08/2019 14:00

Come on people. Unless husband is an absolute idiot, he wouldn't bring a mistress into a house since OP has been on him about her for god knows how long

Yep. OP has been obsessed with this woman ever since she starting working with her DH, she’s harangued him repeatedly, demanded access to his phone, etc., and he’s well aware of her level of jealousy.

There is no way in the world he could be stupid enough to bring this woman into the house for a 9am quickie. No one is that thick.

Takemebacktolondon · 19/08/2019 14:01

Eh? That’s what happens in an affair.

What was she there for then? I’m sure she doesn’t visit when op is there.

Takemebacktolondon · 19/08/2019 14:02

They wanted a shag, op was out and he didn’t think he would get caught.

BlueEyedBengal · 19/08/2019 14:03

I feel enraged for you op, this will go on if you let it. You have to face facts he has 0 respect for you and ultimate portrayal is taking a women into your home when he thought you were out of the way at work. If you weren't there you know they would have ended up in bed. You need to get advice of a solicitor urgently as your marriage is at an end and you need to get out as they will carry on forever protect your money and property and keep any evidence. As a neighbour has the car been at your home in the past, I think this will be confirmed. Sorry you have to deal with this opThanks

carly2803 · 19/08/2019 14:05

jesus chuck him out. they came home for a shag.

hes a liar anda cheat

catspyjamas27 · 19/08/2019 14:10

Don't really think jokey comments or demands that the op comes back to update us are really appropriate at this point. This is someone's life and relationship not a soap opera.

KUGA · 19/08/2019 14:11

Ffs.
What is it with these slutty women and shit heads of a husband.
I would have thumped her.
Find out if the bitch is married and if so go tell her husband.
The fact she was in your husbands phone in a mans name speaks volumes.
Get rid and if possible ask neighbours if she`s been there before.

ScrambledSmegs · 19/08/2019 14:17

OP has a cheating husband who's messed with her head so much that she believes she's got 'trust issues'.

He'd probably manage to convince her she was hallucinating if she had walked in on him up to his nuts in 'Steve'.

HouseholdPlantMurderer · 19/08/2019 14:25

There are 2 possibilities here

  1. Husband is really cheating with a young 20 smth year old who started at his work fairly recently. Saved her as Steve to hide it, because his wife always knows (like with the previous women, which OP admitted to). OP stalks girl on SM to see what's up with her. Husband is pretending it's her issue, gets tracker on a phone to calm her down and then he is just ENORMOUSLY dumb and brings the co worker/mistress home... "Steve" doesn't even speak with OP, because why would she as the OW. Husband obviously thinks OP wouldn't see there was someone there, considering husband is apparently staying with his family for a while to let this cool down.

Or 2) OP does indeed have a jealousy issues, already admitted previous instances of it, clocks onto new "really pretty" girl at work, starts asking. Husband knows what's coming, hides the contact. Op finds out, flips, gets husband get a tracker on his phone and then stalks the girl on SM. They both agree some time apart is needed to sort this out. He then needs to come home for something, "Steve" is there but doesn't engage with OP, because op flipped and well. "Steve" knows what OP thinks about her.

Now both of these are possible. Very much so. But we don't know which is it, do we.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 14:27

I don't know where to begin with a reply. Please bear with me as this could be long and jumbled. I didn't mean to post and not update, I didn't realise I was supposed to wait and reply straight away. I have updated my other threads though so I don't understand why people don't think I have. I've never not eventually updated a thread

When I checked back in on this thread there were a lot of replies very quickly and I felt a bit overwhelmed by it all. I've been trying to gather my thoughts and piece it all together. Trying to remember it exactly is weirdly difficult. I think the shock and adrenaline...

I will try to answer the questions that a lot of you have asked, sorry if I miss anything

He didn't know I would be at home. I was upstairs making the bed (ironically) when I heard the car door outside so I looked out of the window and there they were. Then it all becomes quite "red mist"

I went to downstairs, they were in the kitchen. She was getting a cup out of the cupboard. I'm kicking myself. Why didn't I wait and see what happened next or listen to their conversation? I'm stupid and angry and I can't believe myself. I wasn't thinking though. I was totally shocked, absolutely raging. When I walked in they looked surprised/guilty/nervous. I asked what the hell was going on. H started explaining that he'd forgotten something. I shouted at him. How dare he bring her into my house after everything that had happened last week? She looked at him and that's when she said she'd perhaps be better off waiting outside. I know he's told her about me. He's told her about our problems. He touched her arm (which I keep seeing in my head again and again. I fucking hated that) and said he'd be out soon. He told me he'd forgotten something and she had driven him to get it because he'd cycled and they were going to go through it together with a cup of tea at ours before heading to the meeting. He did collect something from his office before he left

Perfectly reasonable explanation. Every. Fucking. Time! Why doesn't he just leave me? If I am so jealous, why doesn't he leave me? If he's fucking her why doesn't he fuck off with her? I just want things to go back to the way they were before. They weren't perfect but I am making myself poorly at this point and I don't know how to move on

Everyone is suggesting that I leave but for me that's just not an option. I want him to just STOP seeing her and to love me the way he used to. We've built so much together. We have so much together. Too much to throw away over whatever the fuck this is

And I still don't know if it's all just in my head and it's nothing more than friendship, because I was too stupid to stand quietly and see what happened next and I am so so so angry with myself for that

OP posts:
FrangipaniBlue · 19/08/2019 14:31

I want him to just STOP seeing her and to love me the way he used to.

Aw OP there are few things on MN that upset me but I could cry for you, it's an awful place to be where you are now and I can't really offer you any advice other than a very un-mumsnetty hug 🤗

Kplpandd · 19/08/2019 14:35

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Wouldn't it be amazing if you'd have walked in and said hi to them both. But when that red mist comes down all sense of normality goes out of the window. Sending hugs xxx

TheQueef · 19/08/2019 14:36

Don't let the thread make things worse.
Things are moving fast.