Husband brought a woman into our home

[girlsgonetame]

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

And I agree with LarryGrylls that they are running rings around you.

Probably having a good old laugh about it, and that the word 'everything' means enough hints to hurt you but not enough stark words to bring them face to face with the sordid thing they are doing.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh fwiw I agree with your sensible and balanced points but you'll never win with the LTB squad on here. One of the most depressing things to see on MN is the way vultures pile in on vulnerable upset women and present them with the absolute worst case scenario....just for the drama and so they can project their superiority.

Before the op divulged any updates people were categorically telling her your husband is obviously having an affair. Clearly they have psychic powers or just enjoy stirring the pot.

If i was the op I would have had this pulled ages ages because it's just turned into a mass free for all for the drama queens. I've said it before, her life isn't a soap opera.

OP - please don’t keep this awful situation a secret from your friends and family. I did with my ExH. For years. He was a serial adulterer and when I finally called time on my marriage I have never felt such a sense of relief. No one called me a fool. Everyone was so supportive and most knew a lot more than I realised and called him a lot worse than foolish.

girls have been following feeling sad for you. Hope he will still be looking after your DC so you can have much needed weekend away.

Agree with catspyjamas have a break away from this thread, talk to someone for rl support. Start a thread in relationships when you
need further support from MN.

@catspyjamas27. Thanks. It's good to know I'm not completely alone voice. Let's hope this thread fills up with nonsense today and can then be slowly forgotten while the two people this actually affects sort their situation out together.

Leigh and certain others - I think you are the ones being “creative” here and projecting. Where are you gaining all this additional info from as to the OP’s jealous history; how she has harangued him and apparently driven him to the point of having / trying to have an affair?

And no Leigh, we don’t all fantasise about other people while we’re having sex with our partners. For me, if I was doing that, I wouid know the relationship was doomed.

Even if people do do this, how many of us would be cruel enough to actually tell the other partner? There is no need for that, unless you’re trying to hurt them.

How far do you think the PP should compromise herself? Where is the line for you - is there one? Because you can only go so far before you’re broken and there’s nothing left.

Your perspectives on here are not only very peculiar, but also disturbing.

And no, I have no axe to grind here. I have never been in the OP’s situation. I’m not usually in the “LTB camp” at all on this forum. But you only have to read the OP’s posts to feel her self-doubt and she certainly doesn’t need posters like you to exploit her further..

I am 100% certain that if this was going on with my husband, the trust and respect wouid be gone and that would be the end. I have no doubt of that whstsoever. I wouid say 95% of posters in here know the same. Where are your boundaries - do you have any?

@Leighhalfpennysthigh sensible post. If MN had been around when I had a brief blip in my marriage and listened to others, wouldn't have had 40+ happy years with my late DH.

I agree with Leighhalfpennysthigh.

The Op had suspicions since her DH was being sneaky. The truth is now out. It would seem to be a one sided emotional affair by the DH.

Can the Op cope with her husband being attracted to someone else? He did pick someone unavailable though. Clearly she won’t be going off with him.If he genuinely wanted to shag around he would have found someone he could do that with,

Yes be angry and have your spa days and nights out. But being in or out of a marriage needs considered thought.

@Rethymnon oh you do make me laugh. As Cats said people were making up the story to suit themselves before the OP even returned - then continued in that vein throughout. Surely the worst thing for someone with self confessed jealousy and insecurity issues? Maybe calm reflection and genuine support wit advice to sit down and talk to her husband would have been better?
But no. So much more entertaining for the drama queens of MN to froth hysterically and invent scenarios where they are right.

It's sick.

@Rethymnon this isn't about my boundaries and at no point have I suggested that the op is jealous or in the wrong in any way. If what she's said is true then her husband is clearly a shit.

What I object to is the mass hysteria of people is siting she leave right now, trying to convince her he was having an affair before any meaningful proof was even disclosed.

I've made the mistake of positing about relationship woes before and it's easy to get sucked in by dramatic, unhelpful comments when you're in a vulnerable position. It just makes you feel a million times worse and often the comments are unrealistic and untrue. The op has said she is staying for now yet people are still haranguing her to 'LTB'

How invested others get in the lives of strangers is what is actually disturbing here. I don't condone the husbands behaviour one bit and I post this because unlike some I have sympathy for the ops situation and emotional well-being.

PS @Rethymnon nor do I. But by god it was useful in distracting the thread away from the crap last night

I don't know why women come on here for advice with relationships, it's like a vulture gathering waiting for another weak vulnerable user to come on so they can swarm in and peck away until she submits to their LTB philosophy.

I’m not inventing any scenarios. I’m reading the OP’s posts. They are from a woman who is close to breaking point and doubting her own mind.

I don’t care if he’s shagged her or not. I’ve said this repeatedly.

I do know this - any man who is happy for his wife to be that distraught and up half the night engaging in the phone with some self-obsessed woman from work, is a very unpleasant man. It’s extremely humiliating and most men would simply not put their wives in that position. There is absolutely no need for this. It could have been nipped in the bud way before it got to this point.

I just don’t understand why you wouid think his behaviour is ok in any shape of form.

The OP is no more crazy than you. She is waking up to the fact she’s in an emotionally abusive relationship.

If you can’t see this, I don’t know what to say to you.

The default position for many women who are being hit or physically abused is for them to ask what they’ve done to deserve it. They blame themselves and go to lengths to point out their own faults. It’s the same when your “norm” is living with emotional abuse. Surely you can see this? The last thing you need is women online, colluding with the abuser. Because this man is an abuser - make no mistake. It’s not about what he has or hasn’t done. Its the manipulative and insidious way he has treated his wife throughout.

@Rethymnon this is the point though...the op is close to breaking point, upset, confused, traumatised and people continue to pile in with the drama. There have even been people mocking her.

I have no agenda in defending the husband or telling the op what to do. It's for them to sort out.

My issue is with the careless, full throttle approach from posters here who will undoubtably be making the op feel worse.

I’m not piling in any drama. I’m telling her that it’s ok to have your own boundaries. She doesn’t have to believe or conform to whatever “reality” her DH is spinning. She can find her own reality and step outside of his nonsense. She is not responsible for his actions. She is not crazy. It is not her fault.

Where I disagree with you is that I don’t think she should humiliate herself any further by trying to reason with him. It’s past that point now, unfortunately. No relationship should reduce a person to this state. She is waking up to the fact he’s emotionally abusive and the only way to “work it out” in this scenario is to remove yourself from the dynamic completely.

Come on people, quit it. You've derailed the thread massively.

It doesn't matter whether he's shagged her or not, really. It doesn't matter if he's been thinking about her or if he was pushed off the edge by jealousy.

He has to think very carefully about what's more important. Your marriage and emotional well-being or her

The bit that matters is that he has made his call there. For whatever reason, this relationship appears to be stone cold. OP isn't ready to accept it and is envisioning an empowered life of spending his money and swanning off to spas and nights out to meet other men on his money. He's already left for one night. Right now, it matters not who would have been fantasising about someone else as well or who'd have had his balls for earrings.

@RockinHippy perhaps they read OP other threads where she admitted to being manipulative and controlling throughout their marriage. It was suggested by a few that this was all made up as she usually tells the tale and never returns. Who knows.
All i know is i would rather support her In the hope she listens, but all the other occasions its the same, she will do nothing in the hope everything goes back to normal. I think Leigh and Saucy probably are correct, but nothing wrong with offering support either way.

God what a horrific position to be in.

Op has to realise now the her husband has fallen into the same old fantasy of older man and attractive younger woman. It's such a cliche but true nevertheless. Men do discard older less attractive wives for a younger model, especially when they are good earners in a high powered job.

OP has to accept this and see a solicitor, separate and divorce. No point in stressing over what he did or didn't do. It's over emotionally for him. He wants more excitement and glamour during this mid life crisis and she can't supply it. He's shallow and selfish like so many men.

OP needs to start making plans for a new life. Some counselling may help her move forward.

enjoy your weekend

He’s not a “good earner in a high-powered job”. He’s an average 51 year-old bloke in middle management. .

This is really horrible to read to be honest. I don’t even see where this is chicken and egg either, when he has confessed he thinks this woman is perfect, has feelings for her and has considered leaving his wife if she reciprocated. Just because she didn’t have all this info to begin with Seems pretty obvious to me that OP has reacted to knowing that something wasn’t right, not ‘driving’ him to do this by her behaviour for no reason
It’s classic of someone whose head has been turned to try to make the wronged partner out to be just as guilty as them. It makes them feel better about what they have done. And other people piling in on the DH’s side is really compounding that OP either deserves this or has created it. So unfair

@girlsgonetame

Please ignore the posters who seem to have taken your thread over for their own agendas.

Are you OK?

Please do speak to someone in real life. You have nothing to be embarrassed about and you are certainly not a fool. Your intuition told you something was wrong.

Please do let us know if you are OK. You don't need to tell us anything else.

I think OP should spend some time on herself.

If he has cheated or not doesn’t really matter at the moment, I think you should have time alone and some intensive counselling to work on yourself, what you want, any self esteem/jealousy/controlling issues and to then wade through the marriage and the cheating issues at a later date with your therapist once you are in a better place mentally.

I do think you need space away from your husband to be able to do this and your husband should be supportive in this if he wants to fix the relationship. (Therapy for him is very important too but obviously you can’t force him to help himself if he doesn’t want to)

OP please find yourself a really good therapist before doing anything else.

I really hope OP moves on from this post. She has made it clear how she feels about the situation, she is obviously devastated. Imagine how she's feeling reading all these posters who are saying she must have driven him to it. How it's completely normal for him to have feelings for another woman? In the majority of marriages, that is not ok.
Sure, it's totally normal to find other people attractive and to have a fleeting crush. But this seems more than that.

What works for some doesn't work for others. It's up to OP where she draws her line. She feels the line has been crossed. And that's that.