Husband brought a woman into our home

[girlsgonetame]

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

Leigh and Saucy have a point though to be fair. I don't think their point of view is completely ridiculous. No proof was actually found by OP. It's very easy for a partner that is being constantly accused to say something just to hurt them and shut them up. Everyone seems to be sweeping over the fact that OP doesn't want to leave him over this. She is more than happy to stay with him because of the lifestyle he finances for her as one of the reasons for staying. If he really is trying to or has already gotten into this woman's knickers and gaslighting OP about it then of course it's wrong. No one is saying that it isn't.

From the husband's point of view...what if the post was a woman saying her DH is constantly accusing her of cheating. She isn't even allowed to have male colleagues phone numbers in her phone without him accusing her so feels she has to hide the male names. The arguments and accusations are too stressful and upsetting to have to face on a daily basis. She can't not have access to these phone numbers because they are her colleagues. She has a stressful job but is well paid. She has to pay for everything and fund a luxury lifestyle for him as he won't work. He starts an argument every time she goes out after work with her colleagues and doesn't like her to go especially if there are other men there. She came home on the way to a meeting with a male colleague to go over some paperwork that she had forgotten to take into work. She didn't think it was a problem because the house is on the way to the meeting. Her DH was home and shouted at her colleague causing a huge amount of embarrassment. The male colleague tried to explain but her DH couldn't see past his own jealousy. She snapped because she was so fed up of being accused and it was the final straw to be embarrassed in front of an employee and she said some hurtful things to him.

How many people would be on 'her' side in that scenario? How many would say LTB? How many would say he was jealous and controlling? I think people need to remember that there is always 2 sides to every story and you're only getting what the OP wants you to read so you will wholeheartedly agree with OP. All you can do is take the comments at face value. Be kind to others. Not everyone will agree and it's ok to have differing opinions.

The inflammatory comments started from the beginning of this thread. I feel sorry for some of your partners I really do.

And yes I do sometimes think about having sex with someone else and yes sometimes that happens to be when I'm having sex with my partner. So shoot me. My partner is great in bed and I love him completely. Doesn't mean I'll never find another man attractive though. But that's not the point really is it.

Supporting the OP is one thing. Manipulating her and twisting the story to suit yourselves and project your own feelings onto a situation you know nothing about is completely different. And that is what is happening in this thread.

@MicCheck I'm more grilled halloumi actually

OP - I really do think this woman is doing it to climb the career ladder, she won't leave her husband for a dirty old man. However, your husband has feelings for her but he won't divorce you unless he got someone already on his plate.

I think I would do the same, let him fund your current life style and put away plenty of money into your own account, look into what you can get from divorce, generally prepare yourself financially just in case a divorce does happen.

Try turn yourself off emotionally will help you get through the hard times.

Feel free to check but this is the first time I've commented on this post.

Again, the OP commented for support from people as she wasn't able to get any in RL, she's had a variety of opinions including yours.

Personally if I was wanting support in a difficult time on a thread, the last thing I'd want is for it to descend into a bun fight.

Would you spend half the night exchanging messages with your boss’s wife because he was infatuated with you? You would either ignore or merely state that he was your boss and his feelings were not your responsibility. You would probably then go straight to HR.

This with bells on. It seems very likely they’ve slept together and this is the story they’ve cooked up so that:

• you won’t think of telling her husband
• you’ll find your husband pitiful, even if you’re angry at him (so the anger will fade and the pity will be left)
• you’ll stop thinking about what they’re doing now

More importantly, @girlsgonetame and this is VERY important, for women over about 35ish as you probably were too old to get the HPV vaccine, do you have unprotected sex with your husband? Because if you were HPV-free before all this (it’s possible, especially if you’ve been monogamous for a long period), you had a much lower chance of several types of cancer. If he’s managed to pick up HPV from her (he wouldn’t know as men are often carriers without symptoms and she might not even know if she has it as many women are asymptomatic), he could have spread it to you and now your chance of cervical, mouth, and throat cancer are much higher. It can be picked up from oral, vaginal, or anal sex. So tell him he needs to be honest with you RIGHT NOW about whether he had an affair, because you really need to be tested. Your health could be very much at stake (mouth cancers in particular, due to HPV, are rising for those over 40). Side note for you: she’s young enough to have had the HPV vaccine, so hopefully she has had, but HE doesn’t need to know that when you confront him, and you don’t want him asking her if she’s had it, her saying yes, and then him lying to you about the affair because he feels confident it’s safe.

8ilikethisusernamethemost Tue 20-Aug-19 23:14:25
Leigh and Saucy have a point though to be fair. I don't think their point of view is completely ridiculous. No proof was actually found by OP.*

Oh come on, you'd need to be an utter fool to not join the dots with this - he's hidden her name on his phone, admitted while he's shagging OP he's fantasising about her, finds her beautiful, fun blah - he's a middle aged dickhead punching well above his weight - No proof? Get away ffs

Can any woman on here honestly say that they haven't ever met another person since being in a relationship that they fancy.

I can.

When you fantasized about another man, did you tell your husband "Oh, I was thinking about John from the office while we had sex. He's really hot!" Did you bring that man into your home when you believed your husband was at work? Did you put his name in your phone as "Joanna"? Did you lie to your husband about seeing him when your husband asked?

I didn't need to. My husband and I weren't jealous or insecure in our relationship. We didn't try and control each other and were accepting of each others weaknesses. That's called marriage.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh why are you talking in past tense? Are you and your husband not together anymore?

@Leighhalfpennysthigh you are definitely the exception than the rule btw, most girlfriends of mine would hit the roof if they were going through what the OP was experiencing.
So I don't think your comments are particularly helpful. If it works for you, then great. OP obviously doesn't feel the same. And neither would I.

My husband and I weren't jealous or insecure in our relationship. We didn't try and control each other and were accepting of each others weaknesses. That's called marriage.

Not what I asked.

I'm equally glad we don't move in each others circles Mia.

Yes. Past tense. I have a good grasp of English.

I also have a similar relationship with my now partner. We love each other deeply but we also have respect.

Isn't this the chicken and egg argument?

Did OP harass DH about cheating from the start of their relationship, due to her innate jealous controlling nature...

Or

Did DHs philandering (successful or not) mark the beginning of OPs paranoia?

Only OP knows for sure, but if OP has always been this way, without due cause, why did he marry her and have children?

A lot of the time the paranoia starts when the instinct that something isn't right kicks in. Then the woman becomes "mad"

There are 2 things that stand out in respect of the OW text conversation...

Where was her OH (if he exists) during this?

And

If OPDH is her boss, her job was probably on the line, so she isn't going to tell the truth, is she?

I think you fail to credit OP with any intelligence if you think that she will blindly follow what a bunch of strangers say.

Either way, the relationship is toxic, whether OP is a harridan or OPDH is a cad. It is not good for the DC either way, is it?

So what exactly is the argument about?

@Leighhalfpennysthigh I'm glad we don't move in the same circles too 👍 you sound odd.
My OH would be incredibly hurt if I told him I was picturing another man whilst shagging. It's just downright disrespectful.
But if it works for you then crack on. But like I say, you're not helping the OP.

But if it works for you then crack on.

It can't have worked too spectacularly, given she is no longer married to that particular husband.

@MicCheck as do you to me dear.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh 🙄🙄🙄 how tedious.

@Winterlife no. That I'd because he's dead. It's a bit difficult to continue a relationship through the medium of a ouija board.

@MicCheck yes. Wouldn't it be dreadful if this thread filled up with unhelpful and boast posts.

Oh wait.....

Goady

OP, I do hope you're taking no notice of these posters who are trying to minimise your feelings. What your husband is doing is not normal in a healthy happy relationship, and you have every right to feel as hurt as you do.
Many women would feel the same.

I don't think many posters are defending the OP's DH in terms of his recent actions. He is clearly infatuated with this woman- though I am not convinced he has actually had an emotional or physical relationship with her (he may have but I am not certain) but I do think if she had been up for it, he would have had an affair with her.

He has also been unkind to OP and lied to her repeatedly. He was cruel to tell her he had been fantasising about this woman whilst having sec with her- this is not information he needed to share, even if it is truthful. This behaviour on his part is never ok- if he was unhappy he should have told OP and either ended their marriage or tried to work on their relationship with her.

However, I do think some PP's who have wondered if it was chicken or egg have a point- was OP suspicious/ jealous because she sensed something wasn't right, or has jealousy etc been longstanding and her husband has put up with some questionable behaviour from OP for a while, which has damaged their relationship? Because that context does matter, in terms of mitigating circumstances (though not an excuse).

Either way, I think staying for his money shows complete lack of self-respect personally. Also, for all OP knows he may be "getting his ducks in a row" and then where will she be?

OP- I think if you despise him that much, you should have the self-respect to leave him and make a better life for yourself. You deserve to be happy. Being with this man is not making you happy, and staying will simply keep rubbing it into the wounds, making you more bitter and angry. So leave him- make sure you get a good solicitor and every penny you are entitled to- and move on. Otherwise, you simply descended to his level. Two wrongs do not make a right.

I've upset him tonight so he's left anyway

I wonder where he could possibly have gone...

Step right away from contact with this woman. Stop speculating about her, about her husband, about how to contact him. There has been enough drama already. You have to break free of it and start looking to the future.

Cancel your plans to spend money on spa days and fripperies.

You need to pull on your big girl knickers and start living as if you have some self respect.

You cannot put your children through the frozen hell of a home life that you are contemplating for the next year.

Set up a personal account. Siphon off money for it. Use it to hire a solicitor.