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Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

OP posts:
4legsandawaggytail · 20/08/2019 20:47

OMG! lying cheating ratbag. Once a cheat, always a cheat. Thinks he can talk his way out of it. He would be a goner for sure. No one deserves this.

FrenchBoule · 20/08/2019 20:48

OP, nobody will take you for a fool. You’ll get the support that you need now.

Your H is an arsehole of the highest order and took advantage of your good nature.

RockinHippy · 20/08/2019 20:50

You are absolutely NOT the fool OP. It's your DH that is the sad old fool who is kidding himself he an relive his youth with this very dubious sounding "friend" of his.

Find you fire, get angry as they are both taking the pee out of you. HE has plenty to be ashamed of. You do not!,,

Rethymnon · 20/08/2019 20:50

You are no fool OP - just a normal, decent woman who has been badly let down.

What do you mean, you have upset him? Wtf!

What planet is he actually on? That is utterly bizarre.,

WizardOfAus · 20/08/2019 20:51

All the best OP. Flowers

Takemebacktolondon · 20/08/2019 20:55

Where has he gone op?

Rethymnon · 20/08/2019 20:57

And by the way, of course you can change the locks. Yes it may still be legally partly his house, but you can still change the locks. It’s up to him how much of a scene he wants to make. Or he might just take this hint and bugger off. Let’s hope so.

If it were me all his stuff wouid have been in a skip outside this morning. If he tells the police, so what? They won’t bother with him. They have more deserving people to help.

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 21:01

Not discussed with anyone in real life. I am not ready to admit to my family and friends what a fool I am just yet

FFS OP - you're not a fool.
It's not your fault you are dealing with a deceitful tosser who is showing zero respect for you, his children, or his marriage.

And that is ALL you would really need to tell them.
If you have any divorced chums, they might be a good bet for lawer. recommendations.
Not to pressure you ... but just to remind you that your business-minded H is likely to have thought ahead, as pp stated way upthread.
At the very least, get your document copies lodged somewhere safe.
A lawyer's office would be a good place for that, if you find one you rate.

I think it's Thursday you've set aside for doing the Depressing But Necessary Admin, isn't it? So that you're then ready for any next step you might choose, & free to go on your spa weekend?

Just keep thinking about protecting your & the DC's interests.
Make that your priority, & if it makes you angry - good.
Channel it. Angry people act. Sad people get trampled on.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 20/08/2019 21:03

Yes it may still be legally partly his house, but you can still change the locks

No. No you can't. Fucks sake. I do hope,the OP does get some proper advice rather than the crap that continues to be handed on on here.

nespressowoo · 20/08/2019 21:10

Start getting cash back everyday and put it away. Leave him when you can.

Rethymnon · 20/08/2019 21:10

She shouldn’t even need to change the locks Leigh! What kind of man would actually think it’s ok to come home after all this? At least have the decency to piss off to a hotel. There are kids in this home. He needs to stop inflicting this situation that HE has created onto everyone and at least have the integrity not to presume to waltz in. He has broken the family. HE needs to take the consequences of that.

If she did change the locks, he could call the police, sure. She could then tell them she doesn’t want him in the house because he’s emotionally abusive and she is protecting herself and the children from his further abuse. What are they going to do?

NeverSayFreelance · 20/08/2019 21:11

No you definitely cannot change the locks.

Whatsername7 · 20/08/2019 21:14

OP, you are going to find a strength within yourself that you never knew existed. You will be ok. Good luck to ypu x

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 20/08/2019 21:16

What kind of man would actually think it’s ok to come home after all this

One who's only crime was to admit to having feelings for someone else? Not affair. Not shagging. Must developed feelings for someone. Which, as we all know, is entirely possible for both sexes to do. I'd be pretty pissed off too if ,y partner made my life difficult at work as the OP did yesterday. I'd probably be so pissed off id admit to having feelings for another person and leave said partner to go elsewhere.

But no. He's a man so he must be wrong and gaslighting. Oh and I must be a man too checks double D's and thinks boy I've got a mob problem because I can see another side to this dramatic, over emotional and totally irrational story.

Oh don't worry. I'm done with this thread. Carry on with your embellishments and tales of evil men.

Rethymnon · 20/08/2019 21:18

When my friend’s husband did a similar thing, she got all her family round and some friends and their husbands and they stuffed most of his stuff into his car. The rest was in boxes in the front garden. They changed the locks and was that. He never lived there again. He moved in with the OW. Then she dumped him. He has a breakdown. Now he’s abroad.

Winterlife · 20/08/2019 21:27

@Leighhalfpennysthigh but it's beyond feelings. He has an inappropriate relationship with this woman, a woman decades younger over whom he has employment control, as well.

Euromillsplz · 20/08/2019 21:34

OP, I've been through similar with the relentless gaslighting (although I was naive enough to think there were never affairs or anything but looking back at the compulsive lying about EVERYTHING..but I digress).
What I want to say is believe me, I've been there- for far too long- with those feelings of missing him, and wishing and hoping..., in spite of the overwhelming catalogue of vile bellendery from him. DON'T DO IT TO YOURSELF.

Once you get strong- once you've remembered who you STILL ARE (just a little bit older, wiser and stronger)-this will start to feel good. Actually good. I promise you that. You have a choice now to free yourself of the mind games, the inferiority complex brought on by that tragically disappointing (to both you and her) deluded little boy in a big man's suit.

Get strong because you ARE strong. Your independence will feel good. And let's not forget about the beautiful karma that is coming his way, all for you to sit back and bask in.

You will feel sorry for him at some point. I hope you don't let that cloud your decisions though. Never forget how he deceived and mocked you. Surely any respect.you had for him has now gone.

On another note- I've been there, once upon a time, in the shoes of a young temptress (ha ha). To some men, any female roughly half their age is a goal. Just because if they can achieve the unachievable, it's proof they've still got it. To the young girls, it IS flattering (esp for those with father issues and.i think there are a lot of us, sorry) but it's the fantasy, not the reality that does it for them. The reality of a bereft 51 year old on her doorstep with impending solicitor issues and nowhere to go.. not so hot all of a sudden.
Still, that's irrelevant. He's debased himself and once you find your anger (as many have said) you'll be repulsed by him. You'll be so busy disentangling yourself from this sad old cliché of a man that before you know it, you won't know why you ever put yourself through his shit.
He will look a TIT to anyone and everyone you both know. I'm assuming a 25 year age gap. Not cool.

ThatCurlyGirl · 20/08/2019 21:35

You're not a fool OP, you've been told something is all in your head then had someone openly admit it wasn't after all.

The silver lining (which I know is almost impossible to see at the moment) is the glorious moment when you've moved on and he realises he tried to have his cake and eat it too. And then he'll realise he's alone and just hungry because they lost both.

Wasn't invested enough in the marriage to stay in a healthy way, wasn't confident enough of someone else that he risked leaving. Pathetic of him.

Really hope you're feeling a little brighter soon OP - get some advice legally IRL so you at least know what your options are.

There's no rush to get everything sorted this week - do what you feel able to cope with but use angry days to get shit done so that on sad days you can feel less under pressure.

Thinking of you Thanks

ThatCurlyGirl · 20/08/2019 21:36

Sorry that was meant to say:

The silver lining (which I know is almost impossible to see at the moment) is the glorious moment when you've moved on and he realises he tried to have his cake and eat it too. And then he'll realise he's alone and just hungry because he lost both.

Saucy99 · 20/08/2019 21:37

I'm sorry I've read the whole thread and I think it's frankly disgusting what most posters are writing, like a baying mob shouting from the sidelines, demanding you to divorce. It's utter madness. The guy says he saved her under another name because of your jealously (from what I've read he's being pretty reasonsble). They come to your house and have s cup of tea at 9:30 on a Monday morning and your go mental at her and he leaves. All perfectly understandable from his point of view. You've behaved like s mad person. She's 20 something and married and he's 50 something and married and her boss. Your read all of their messages and what you discover? That she once said 'is wifey not letting you out to play?' no affectionate pet names? No sex talk? You've got the wrong end of the stick and, if you carry on like this, he'll be gone permanently.

picklejimmy · 20/08/2019 21:41

Saucy99 , the OPs husband has admitted he has feelings for the other woman.

31RueCambon · 20/08/2019 21:41

Yeh that'd be terrible @saucy99 . She should hang on to him Hmm disrespect and disconnection better than peace and growth. Hang in to "the routine" because therein happiness lies ....?
Wow.

WingBingo · 20/08/2019 21:43

@Saucy99 wtf???

Redshoeblueshoe · 20/08/2019 21:45

Saucy he said he was thinking of the other woman whilst they had sex.

Euromillsplz · 20/08/2019 21:46

You've read the whole thread @Saucy99? I mean I really have, because clearly I have no life (and I'm compelled because it takes me back a dark times..)
He told his wife he thinks of said married 20 year old during sex with said wife. What a reasonable man indeed he is.