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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

OP posts:
Motoko · 20/08/2019 18:04

OP can't change the locks! The house is a marital asset, and he has just as much right, in law, to live there, unless they divorce, and then it will be sorted out by the courts.

Rethymnon · 20/08/2019 18:09

Her husband definitely deserves to know what he’s married to. Chances are he suspects something anyway. At the very least, I would want to know, for sure, if my DH had spent half the night explaining his intentions to another married couple. Not exactly normal, is it?

wheresmymojo · 20/08/2019 18:11

I think you should see a solicitor and, if appropriate, Citizens advice re: benefits.

You say you can't afford to leave. You wouldn't have to necessarily and he would need to pay a certain amount of maintenance.

At least have a consultation so you have an idea where you would stand financially and have all of the facts.

Alfiemoon1 · 20/08/2019 18:15

I don’t think they have shagged but I do think her husband need to know about the flirting I would be tempted to sent copies of their messages

womenspeakout · 20/08/2019 18:18

Regarding her husband, he doesn't appear to be on social media. No idea how I would contact him or what I would even say

Is she even really married? Could be another lie.

supersop60 · 20/08/2019 18:20

OP - be careful. Everyone says 'get your ducks in a row' in this kind of situation, and I totally understand your unwillingness to let anything change your family set-up. After all, YOU have done nothing wrong.
However - your DH is untrustworthy, and for all you know, he may be getting HIS ducks in a row. Please talk to someone IRL and get advice.

slithytove · 20/08/2019 18:21

GreenFingers I don’t know, I lost the thread sadly so don’t know if she made it out. I hope so

Croquembou · 20/08/2019 19:09

She did tell me she enjoyed his attention, he'd told her how jealous I am and how unhappy I make him, how he's not sure he wants to be with me. She knew he liked her but played dumb to him and pretended she had no idea, wanted to carry on a "friendship" for her own benefits but didn't want it to go too far, stroked his ego but not enough for him to get the wrong idea about her intentions!!

Hmm Call me a cynic but...really? Does this conversation actually ring true with anyone?

31RueCambon · 20/08/2019 19:11

I was once wrongly accused of having an affair with an older man and i laughed, told her "not a chance". When she didnt believe me I was extremely indignant and had zero patience for continuing the conversation. I shut her r8ght down and as good as threatened her that she'd regret saying that about me. I think the all night texting implies a lot of involvement.

CSIblonde · 20/08/2019 19:16

Huge red flags re the previous phone stuff. She came in as they thought you'd be out. You wait in the car if the one casging a lift wants to grab something they forgot. Sorry OP.

Kplpandd · 20/08/2019 19:24

@croquembou nope!

KitschBitch · 20/08/2019 19:55

OP, be kind to yourself. Get legal advice, ask him to leave, he will have to pay you maintenance. Have you discussed this with anyone who knows you both, a good friend or family member perhaps? It might help you to gauge the situation better, although I feel it is obvious he is cheating.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 20/08/2019 20:08

I've upset him tonight so he's left anyway

OP posts:
DaWeasleyWae · 20/08/2019 20:11

You've upset HIM? So he's left?
Fucking priceless! What an absolute cockwomble he is.
If he's left, at least you still have the house :)

YouJustDoYou · 20/08/2019 20:13

He doesn't have any desire to work on the marriage, then. Op, have you got someone you can talk to tonight? He's such a disgusting old bastard.

31RueCambon · 20/08/2019 20:20

Wow. He is priceless.

I'd take control of the situation and divorce him now. He clearly wants to do whatever he wants to do, and your relationship is over, the marriage needs to be dissolved in a way that doesn't suckerpunch you when you've been ground down even more. If he's 50 I am going to assume you're a bit younger (because that is average).

In a year's time you could be starting afresh in a new smaller place and it could feel so exciting, a blank canvas to make your own.

Don't stay with him for financial comfort or ''routine'' as you said!

Be a bit braver. It's worth it!

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 20/08/2019 20:22

Go and get legal advice NOW

ohfourfoxache · 20/08/2019 20:31

There is a section on here about what to include in your safety packing list- it lists all the important documents that you need to gather up and keep safe (you could even give these to a friend for safekeeping)

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

Here is a link to see what you’re entitled to

www.entitledto.co.uk

You have got a tough time ahead of you, whatever path you choose. I’m so sorry, but you’re going to need to be strong for a while.

I promise you, there are so many wonderful people on here who have been through the same and there is so much advice and support on offer. I promise you’re not on your own x

MyKingdomForACaramel · 20/08/2019 20:32

Bless you, I know you must really be hurting - he’s pulled the rug from under you with all of this. But honestly - you need to find your strength here. Don’t be passive, actively start planning for your life going forward. Think about what you want.

Motoko · 20/08/2019 20:35

OP, you've been asked a few times if you have anyone in RL to talk to, and if you have spoken to anyone, but you've not answered.

So, he's left. What's your plan now? Can you ring around some solicitors tomorrow for an appointment? That should be your next step.

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 20:38

I'm guessing he's "left" for the evening, not for good.

Either way - OP, who do you have to turn to in real life, & how are you going to tackle appointing a very sharp solicitor?

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 20/08/2019 20:40

Not discussed with anyone in real life. I am not ready to admit to my family and friends what a fool I am just yet

OP posts:
SteadyAreYouReady · 20/08/2019 20:42

You’re not a fool, he manipulated you into thinking it was you that had the issues

YouJustDoYou · 20/08/2019 20:43

Not discussed with anyone in real life. I am not ready to admit to my family and friends what a fool I am just yet

DON'T say that about yourself. You are NOT a "fool" - you're just an ordinary, decent human being who wanted to believe the best of someone, but who was given cause time and again to doubt yourself. Do NOT start calling yourself things like that. HE"S the dipshit, HE'S the fool. Not you.

hellenbackagen · 20/08/2019 20:47

You've upset him? Really diddums

Wait till he see how muc divorce costs .

Come on op you can do this .

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